Sitting on fence
After I sang my heart out with the Mamoha theme song, something changed in the atmosphere - the way others looked at me, the way they talked to me and the way I felt about myself. I was relatively timid and didn't talk much up to that point so I was almost like just a pretty flower among the group. Nice to look at, but nothing much to interact with. I also got the feeling that other girls didn't take much liking of me, probably because I was hogging the attention of all the other boys bar Jiho.
Once I let myself out though, suddenly I was a 'cool girl' who liked cult classic animes. A dedicated fan who knew all the words to the song. Not a wannabe, but a real fan. This otaku-like image didn't fit with Jenn at all so I think it made me look like a really quirky girl and the other girls seemed to have let their guards down after that too.
Overall, my first social outing with everyone was a big success. Thankfully there wasn't any serious attempt from any boy to hit on me. It was all harmlessly casual and Jihee suggested we open a group chat and everyone joined, which was my first group chat ever in high school.
The following Monday when I was back at school, I was in a cheerful mood and greeted everyone I saw as I walked to my seat in the classroom. I was just getting ready for the first class and getting the books out of my bag when Ajin came over holding a sheet of paper in her hand.
"Good morning, Jenn"
"Good morning!"
"You look very cheerful today"
"Yeah, thanks. I feel great"
"Anything good happened over the weekend?"
"Aye, I made some new friends and had a lot of fun hanging out together"
"That's good to hear"
"So what's up? You got some kind of a form for me to fill in?"
"Oh yeah, this-", Ajin then handed over the piece of paper she was holding.
"If you want to join any after-school clubs you need to submit the application form by the end of this week"
"Ah ok. I'm still not sure which one I'd like to join though"
"How about track and field club? Captain Lee seemed very keen on you"
"I don't think I will. It looks like I'd be doing tons of training and stuff if I joined track and field club"
"I see. That's good"
I actually had something else on my mind, and that was joining the manga club. It was given that I would be accepted the moment I applied. Chin and his clubmates would love to have me there. Letting my inner geek out over the weekend emboldened me a bit and I felt like I could just be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted.
At the same time though, I was a bit afraid as Jenn - a girl. Ever since I started to come to school as Jenn I realized just how much attention a girl can draw from guys. Of course, I was a guy myself before and I also couldn't help but admire a pretty girl when I saw one. But back then I didn't think the girl I was looking at would realize unless our eyes actually met. Oh, how wrong I was. As Jenn, I could literally feel the boys' eyes on me even without eye contact. When I walked past a crowd of boys it almost felt like they were extending invisible hands to try to touch me. It was creepy and intimidating.
If I joined the manga club, it would be full of incels and I just knew it would not be comfortable for me to be there sitting at the center with all those horn dogs around me. I would be naive if I thought that I could 'just be myself' if I joined the manga club. Welp, that was unfortunate.
"Anyways, Jenn, give it some thought and let me know by Friday. I think you are spoilt with choices since every club wants you, heh"
"Right, thank you"
I took the form and put it inside the desk drawer.
***
The next morning I was going to look at the club application form again from my desk drawer but found a closed envelope that I had not put in myself.
What is this?
I looked around the classroom but couldn't find any clue since I arrived a little bit late today so the classroom was already full of students. This could have been from anyone here and there were just too many suspects.
I opened the envelope and there was a simple note inside that read "Please come to the big pine tree on the way to the South Gate during lunchtime. I will wait for you".
Is this a prank? I turned around to look at Hechan, the most likely person to do this sort of thing, but his seat was empty as he had not come to the class yet. I then looked over to where Soojin was sitting and she seemed busy chatting with her friends. These were the usual suspects who might try to set me up with something - were they seriously gonna try to start bullying 'me' again? Me? Jenn?
I was getting paranoid about the whole thing throughout the morning classes and I couldn't decide whether I should go meet this person during lunchtime or not. I could just ignore it and not turn up, but I wasn't sure if that was the best way to deal with it either.
Well, I should maybe seek some advice from friends now that I have them.
"Jihee, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Jenn"
"I got a note from someone asking me to come to 'the big pine tree on the way to the South Gate'. I don't know if I should go, and I don't really know the way either"
It was both true as I always used the North Gate of school even as my previous self.
"Oh really?!"
"What kind of a prank could this be? Should I just ignore it?"
"No, Jenn! Someone's gonna confess to you!"
"Huh? Wha-, what?!"
"You wouldn't know because you are new here but that's the classic spot where people normally confess to the one they like. Jiho asked me out there as well"
What the hell? I didn't know this.
"Erm, so I guess that means I don't go then", I really did not want to be confessed to by a boy…
"You should, Jenn! You can turn him down, but come on, the guy has worked up the courage to do this and the least you can do is reject him in person. And who knows? Maybe you like him once you see him"
"That simply isn't gonna happen, I can assure you. It's really weird though. I have been here only for like two weeks. Nobody would know enough about me to like me or whatever"
"Maybe love at first sight?"
":Sigh: I guess I will go. It's not gonna amount up to anything but since you say so…"
But on second thought, I still couldn't completely rule out the possibility that this could be some sort of a prank. I was just that suspicious of people after having suffered as my previous self. Well, just a little prank would be harmless, but what I was really worried about was this could be some sort of a setup by people like Hechan and Soojin, a trap that I did not understand yet.
"Can you do me a favor, Jihee?"
"Sure. What is it?"
"I'm sorry for asking, but can you come with me, please? I don't know where this is and to be honest… well, I don't feel too safe going somewhere to meet someone I don't know…"
"Ah, ok. I will bring you there but I'll stay away and watch you from afar so I don't disturb you guys. I got your back, don't worry, Jenn. If it turns out to be some creepy weirdo I'll call Jiho for help"
"Thank you. I really appreciate it"
Then lunchtime came and after having my baguette with pâté, Jihee led me to the big pine tree. It was a really big tree standing by itself so it was easy to find. There was a wooden bench just underneath the tree and I could see a boy sitting on it. I was still a bit too far out to recognize the face though.
"There's your guy. Good luck, Jenn. If anything goes weird call for help", Jihee gave me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder and stopped following me.
I walked over to the tree by myself, and the boy who was sitting there noticed me and stood up. As I got closer I could see his face more clearly and it was... Donsu? What the fuck?
"Uh, Hi", I greeted him first awkwardly.
Shit. Am I really gonna get confessed to by Donsu? My first ever experience of confession, both as a boy and a girl, is this idiot?
"Hi... Thank you for coming"
Donsu responded but he looked like he was trying to avoid eye contact.
"So... what's up?"
Donsu took a deep breath and started to kinda mumble.
"I wanted to apologize about the other day. Hechan made me report you to the teacher... I didn't mean to..."
Ah, okay. This isn't too bad.
"No worries. I suspected that's how it was anyway"
"I'm sorry, again"
"So... that's it? Can I go now?"
"There's... there's one more thing"
"Ok"
"I - "
Then there was a long pause.
"I like you"
"Thanks, I guess?", I really didn't know how to respond to such things.
"I'm not asking you out or anything... but I just wanted to say this"
"Ok"
"What you said on that day made me think a lot"
"I'm sorry I called you a pig too. There isn't much to think about it. Let's just leave it at that"
"No, that's not it. You were right. I let those guys treat me like a pig... then it looked like you were gonna step in, then you said what you said and just left"
"Look, don't think about it too much"
"No-, please, please hear me out"
:Sigh:
"I think what you meant was that nobody can help me if I didn't stand up for myself... right?"
Oh. So he did get it after all. Donsu's much smarter than I thought.
"Something like that, yes"
"I said I li-, like you but I wasn't asking you out... I just wanted to say sorry and also thank you"
"Thank me for what?"
"I don't want to be treated or act like that again. Not in front of everyone. Not in front of you"
"So what are you gonna do?"
"Watch me... I will stand up against those bastards... just watch me. That's good enough. You gave me the courage I needed"
This was totally unexpected, but as far as I was concerned, Donsu was also a bully - to me at least, just because he was not at rock bottom like I was. I never managed to make a stand against those bullies because I was always completely weak and wallowed in self-pity and defeatism, but when I thought about it, Donsu was someone who used to hold at least some power over an idiot like me. As much as I hated to admit it, it was true that Donsu knew how to bite in a way that I never could.
"I'm glad to hear that, I hope things work out better for you"
"Thank you"
"I will get going then"
With that, I turned around and walked away from him but a flash of thought came to my head so I turned back to face him again standing a few steps away.
"Donsu-"
"Yeah?"
"Don't do anything stupid"
I had a really bad feeling about this.