Something clicked in my heart after that night's conversation with Danbi. She left my room shortly after our little talk, but I stayed up for a long time thinking things through. I was touched by her kindness, and the fact that she cared and felt guilty enough to visit 'me' at the hospital, although that was too late and didn't do any good.
As my previous self, I was so socially awkward and it was extra bad because I was getting bullied every day. Even if I was left alone I would have found it hard to approach people and start chatting. Being at the bottom of the food chain turned it from 'hard' to 'impossible'. Constant bullying had it drilled into my head that I was some form of a low-life compared to others around me. That wasn't just how others saw me, but that was how I saw myself too, so it was never gonna work for me to take any initiative to connect with people in the class.
But Danbi's outgoing nature rubbed off on me even just over one day and a night. It made me feel like I too want to be proactive and try to get to know people around me. Everybody around me was either bad or scary to my previous self, but as Jenn, everyone should be approachable.
Nevertheless, it took me great courage and resolve to make my first move to start talking to someone I'd never talked to before. I already had a target in my mind though - the bookworm girl.
She was a bit of a loner like myself although she never got bothered by other people. She just sat on her seat and read books every chance she got. I knew she wasn't just checking out some news because she always read them on her tablet and I did glance over what she was reading when I walked past her. It was always something full of text.
I was always curious about what she was reading, and I always envied how she could just be by herself and not be bothered by others. I used to feel like if I could connect with anyone in the class it would be her, maybe as a fellow loner.
I'm Jenn now though, I told myself. I took a deep breath and walked over to her during the morning recess.
"Hi"
The bookworm girl was startled when I greeted her. I think she was so engrossed in what she was reading that she didn't even notice me there till I spoke.
"Oh, hi"
She looked puzzled. I could so read in her face that she was thinking 'Why is this girl even talking to me?'
"I'm Jenn, I think we've never spoken before"
"I know you are Jenn… did you need something from me?"
"No, just saying hi"
"OK. Hi there too"
And she switched her attention to her tablet again to keep reading. I was happy that I managed to approach her and say something first, but this girl had no interest in talking.
"So… you like reading a lot I suppose?"
"Yeah", she answered without even looking up.
"What are you reading?"
"You wouldn't know"
"I might. I also like reading"
Then she looked up at me with a face that said "Yeah right as if a girl like you would be into reading anything other than magazines". Well, I guess I got better at reading people since I became Jenn.
"It's true. I do like reading. That's not weird is it?"
"No. I just find it unexpected"
Yup. She was thinking what I thought she was thinking.
"So… are you gonna tell me what you are reading?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Maybe I also know that book?"
"So what if you do"
Man, do I just walk away here or should I persist?
"Er… I guess it's cool to meet people who share interests?"
"I don't think you and I share anything"
"Hey, how would you know?"
":Sigh: well, here it goes then. I tell you the title and you leave me alone, ok?"
"Ok, deal. BUT if I know the book, we will have lunch together today. How about that?"
"How is that even related?"
"Deal or no deal?"
"Fine, I accept"
"Right… so here it goes, shoot"
"I'm reading a book called 'The Maiden of The Roseland Against All Odds', now you can leave me alone"
BINGO! I always had a feeling she was into similar stuff that I was into. It was kind of a loner's intuition about other loners. Now is the time to show that we do share something.
"As in the story of Anna La Rose and Rene?"
"Wha…what? How do you…?"
"Slinky the donkey and Lilly the mare. Is that proof enough?"
She just sat there silently, looking surprised and confused.
I guess I give her some peace now, but a promise is a promise, she will have to accept my invitation to have lunch together.
"Right, see you during lunchtime!", I gave her a quick smile and turned to return to my seat.
"Hey-"
Hm? She's calling me?
I turned back to face her from a few steps away.
"Miran. My name is Miran…"
So I finally got to talk to and find out the bookworm's name. Well done, me.
"Yes, nice to meet you, Miran"
"Me… me too. See you later"
"See ya!"
As I walked back to my seat I almost felt like I wanted to be skipping like a child because my feet felt so light.
I have unloaded at least one burden that had been in my heart for a long time.