"Uncle Tan, do you think I have changed since the accident?"
I asked while trying to catch Uncle Tan's eyes from the rearview mirror, but he replied without looking back as he drove me back from school after what felt like a very long day.
"Miss, you do act and speak somewhat differently, so yes, it is true that you have changed a little"
"Do you think it's for better or worse?"
"That's a trick question, isn't it? If I said for better, it means you were not good before. If I said for worse, it means, well, now you are not as good as before"
"Makes sense. But I wasn't asking it to trick you. I'm just honestly curious"
"It's already been quite some time since the accident. Why ask this question all of a sudden?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm starting at a new school now. I am more conscious of… how people see me. They do not know Jenn I was before"
"The Jenn I knew wouldn't have cared, so yes, you did change quite a lot in this respect"
"Was I that bad?"
"I will just quote your father, that you were somewhat 'arrogant'. But if I may say so, I thought you were just confident"
"I see you are more diplomatic than my father"
:Chuckle:
I tried to think over why Jenn wouldn't have cared. Was it because she was arrogant and would have seen the kids in this new school as plebs that were beneath her? Or is it because she was confident enough to not worry about how others see her?
"Uncle"
"Yes?"
"Could we stop by at the hospital for the boy?"
"Well, we were just talking that you wouldn't have cared before. But on the other hand, you have been awfully considerate and caring for this boy"
"I feel… sorry for him", I spoke after a pause.
"That is very kind of you. Then let's make a short detour and stop by the hospital"
"Thank you"
About 15 minutes later, I was standing next to MY body lying limp on the hospital bed. I looked at myself and something was pulling my heartstrings.
How would I have loved to have a 'normal' day at school like I did today... Why couldn't I do this before, but why is it possible now? Is there anything I could have done differently as my previous self that would have made my school life any better? Was it the pure differences in looks and abilities between me and Jenn that made our social life so different? Or was it just that - the lack of confidence?
Or even worse - was it just destiny?
That would have been the cruelest reason of them all, that I, previously, was destined to be trampled on every day - that I, previously, should not have been born. It meant that destiny released me from my suffering only after I stopped being myself.
Then all of a sudden, I felt the pity turn into hatred, and I screamed inside my head while looking at my lying body.
'It was because of YOU that I suffered. If I wasn't YOU, I would have lived happily. It was all YOUR fault after all"
After the sudden outburst of anger, I felt like all my energy dissipated and a drop of tear rolled down my cheek.
'I'm sorry. I really am sorry.'
I turned my back and left the room.
Maybe I shouldn't come here again.
***
That night, I sat in a bathtub soaking in hot water. I really needed it after a long and stressful first day back to school.
I was already stressed enough when I found out some time ago that I was to 'return' to this school, but the fact that I ended up in the same class and in my old seat was horrifying. I held my head high during school hours and even managed to impress in sports class, stood my ground against the old bullies Hechan and Soojin, spent time talking to Ajin the class rep, and was even offered to join the manga club that I wanted previously but couldn't because I was too much of a low life creep to hang out with even for the geeks there.
I brought my hands out of the water and looked at them. They were getting swollen and soggy as I sat in the bath for quite a long time. Apparently, I did not use to take long baths before according to Mom. Something about pores getting bigger if I spent too much time in the hot steamy bathroom. Well, I never cared about looks because there wasn't much to care for, but now I should take good care of this body.
I got out of the water and stood in front of the full-size bathroom mirror, looking at myself naked. It still felt weirdly erotic, guilty, and disgusting at the same time as I ran my hands over my body while admiring the view. This body was attractive, and I was/am a teenage boy after all. But it is ME who was inside this, and I hated myself. Enjoying the objective beauty and the sexiness of this body required separating myself from the body it was encapsulated in, and that was easier said than done. It was as if I was turned on and put off at the same time. I was turned on looking at myself, and I got put off getting turned on by myself. I got turned on touching Jenn's body, but being touched by myself disgusted me - or was it Jenn's body autonomously reacting? I did things today that "I" was definitely not capable of doing before. So this body, which includes the brain, seemed to operate as Jenn to some extent, free from my control.
I wrapped myself around in a big bath towel and stared into the mirror again, looking into my eyes. Nobody would ever understand how this felt. I guessed the closest that came to it was if you were wearing color lenses, but this was something much more than that. Normally, even if you are wearing a mask or dressed up for Halloween or whatever, you look into the mirror and it is your eyes that you see. You are seeing yourself through your eyes. But here I wasn't. I was seeing myself through someone else's eyes, while being inside my own body, kind of like an out-of-body experience but without leaving the body.
I sighed and wondered when I'd ever get used to this, but going to school today firmly grounded my so far dream-like experience as Jenn to the cold reality that I was used to.
The past still haunted me in my mind, but that past couldn't catch up with me now.
Should I just let go of everything, try to forget about everything I was before, all my (mostly bad) memories, and live a new and happy life? I hated who I was and I would never ever go back to being old me again, but why did I keep visiting 'myself' at the hospital?
As all these thoughts were messing with me in my head, I unplugged the bath and watched the water slowly drain.