Two Days Later
At the Royal Palace in the Land of Snow
Koyuki Kazahana, the newest Leader of the country, is sitting at a large desk. Said desk is covered with paperwork, heaping mounds of it take up so much space that barely any of the beautiful wooden tabletop can be seen.
She's been working on the piles for hours already, the worst part is this is only her learning how everything is set up. Doto changed a lot in the decade she was gone and what little she remembers about the government is long gone.
"I have half a mind to just revamp the entire thing." Koyuki growls to herself. "Almost none of this is salvageable. I don't know if I'll even keep the Research and Development department the same."
"That sounds really annoying." I pleasantly say while leaning on the doorframe to her office. "Hey Koyuki, how's things?"
"Alvarcus?" Koyuki looks up from her paperwork in surprise. "I thought you would have returned to whatever vile hole you crawled out of by now. What are you still doing here?"
"I didn't really have anything better to do?" I offer up a helpless shrug. "Plus the Konoha shinobi are still here, someone has to make sure they don't fuck up all the hard work I've invested in you."
"The person at most risk for ruining your hard work is you." Koyuki blandly points out.
"Sadly that's very accurate." I agree with her. "But it's time I leave, I came to say goodbye."
"Really? You came to say goodbye?" Koyuki sounds pleasantly surprised by that.
"Well it's also to let you know that I'm not around here any longer. That means you can't come crying to me when shit hits the fan again. I've also come to give you some advice, if you're willing to accept it."
"Of course. It's the least I can do for the Savior of Snow." She graciously dips her head in acknowledgement.
"Please say that's not what everyone is calling me." I groan out. "I have enough shitty titles the way it is."
"No, it's just what I call you." Koyuki grins playfully at me. "I need something to get under your skin. Consider it petty revenge for all the things you subjected me to."
"Fine. Just don't make it an official title. I have enough the way it is."
"No promises." She smirks at me. "So Alvarcus the Savior of Snow, what's your advice?"
"Cheeky bitch." I chuckle at her antics, it's good to see her acting like a person. Even if it is at my expense. "In the coming years of your rule one day you may find that you need assistance from another village. Do not pick Otogakure. Do not make the mistake of thinking that everyone in Oto will end up like me. Do not make the mistake of thinking that Oto's offers are the right ones to pick. No matter how tempting do not accept. The Land of Snow was just redeemed, I do not want to see it condemned again."
"You do not want me to pick your own village?" Koyuki masks her emotions, the playful air we had about us moments before is gone. Now it's two very powerful people discussing the future of a country. One is the country's leader, the other is one of the most influential people in Otogakure. After all I am one of the select few people Orochimaru will listen to.
"Correct. Do not pick Oto. Do not pick Orochimaru. Do not pick me." I am being deadly serious. "Otogakure is not a good place. In the long run it will only hurt your home. Trust me, I've seen the corruption that Oto and Orochimaru are capable of first hand. I've experienced it myself, hell you saw me when we first met. You want nothing to do with us. Avoid us at all costs."
"Consider it done. The Land of Snow shall not work with the Land of Sound." Koyuki regally says, then her face softens. "But you are always welcome here. I owe you too much to bar you from here forever. My people owe you too much. You may come and go as you please."
"Cool!" I merrily chirp out dropping my own seriousness and replacing it with my usual chipper self. "I'll be going then. Bye Koyuki, may we never meet again."
"Goodbye Alvarcus, I hope to see you soon."
"No you don't, trouble follows me everywhere I go."
"Okay, part of me wants to see you again."
"That's better." I step out of the room and close the door.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and start whistling as I'm walking out of the Royal Palace, drawing a lot of attention to myself with the horrible tune. Seriously I can't whistle for shit.
But I'm doing that on purpose. I want to be publicly seen as being slightly incompetent by the masses. It will make them not blame me later.
Because in my pocket I'm holding the Hexagonal Crystal.
Thirty Minutes Later
"You're leaving." A delicate voice accuses me from my temporary lodging doorway. "You weren't even going to say goodbye?"
It's Ino, she looks very displeased with me.
"Uh… yeah I'm leaving. Tomorrow." I bluntly tell her. "I'm just packing so I don't have to do it in the morning. Did you think I was going to run off without saying bye?"
"Duh. Look at your track record, it's what you always do." She sags in minute relief at hearing me say I'm not leaving yet. "So. This is your last night here. With us. Before you leave again."
"Yep that pretty much sums it up." I toss a final scroll on top of the rest, I'll stuff the scrolls into various pockets in my coat when I leave tomorrow morning. Fuinjutsu makes traveling so much easier. I put a suit of armor and an armchair in a pocket. Fucking brilliant! "Oh yeah that reminds me I have something for you. Summoning Jutsu!"
"Sup Al?" Shirokumo says from on top of my head.
"Gah how did you get up there I touched the ground!?" I shout at him.
"I'm just that good." I can feel the pride wafting off of him.
"Fine fine. I'll just ignore that." I really shouldn't be surprised by that, the little guy loves using my head as a perch. "Shirokumo it's time. I need the Package."
"The Package?" He asks in a very serious tone. "Are you aware of the full ramifications of what that entitles?"
"Yes. I am very aware. I need it regardless."
"Summon me back here in ten seconds." Shirokumo vanishes in a cloud of smoke that blinds me for an instant.
"What was all that about?" Ino asks in curiosity. "What's the Package?"
"You'll see." I fly through the hand signs once more and touch the ground. "Best step back a bit, I'm not sure how big it's going to be."
Ino quickly steps back to give me more room.
"Summoning Jutsu!" With a huge cloud of smoke that fills up half of the room Shirokumo reappears before us but this time he's perched on a gigantic brown sack instead of on my head.
Now when I say gigantic I don't mean the size of a beach ball or an oversized backpack. You could fit six fully grown adult male bodybuilders in this sack. It's probably going to be impossible to move this out of the room because of its sheer size.
"I present the Package." Shirokumo bows elegantly from on top of the oversized sack. "And now I'm going to run away from the aftermath."
The cowardly spider vanishes once more into smoke. I really wish I could do that right now, it would be amazing.
"Well. There ya go." I say to Ino as I point at the sack. "The Weavers finally finished. Have fun."
"You mean… it's my clothes?" Ino squeaks out with wide hopeful eyes. "They're all done? All of them?"
"I did have to tell the Weavers to stop. They would have kept going forever if I let them but I think that is enough." Six fully grown adult male bodybuilders. It's fucking massive. I lean a large scroll on the bulging sack. "Here. It's the scroll that I used to bring over the cargo on the ship. You can seal away the clothes into that so you can get them all back to Konoha. Cuz there's no way in hell you're picking all of that up. There's a good twenty or so large storage seals on it so you can pack them away however you want to."
"Squee!" Ino leaps at me and envelops me in a crushing hug. "Thank you Alvarcus! Thank you so much! This is amazing!"
"Yeah yeah." I smile to myself at her excitement and pat her on the back while she tries to crush me via hugging. "Just… let's not make this an ongoing thing yeah? The Weavers get so fiesty when they get open orders like that."
"You mean you could get me more?" Ino squeezes me even tighter. I didn't think it was possible. "Could you?"
"Well technically it's possible-"
"YES!" Ino breaks the hug in favor of firmly grasping my shoulders and forcing me to look her in the eyes. "I'm going to come to you if I need anything. A new dress for an elegant ballroom dance, a swimsuit to make the girls jealous and the boys drool, a nice pair of silk pajamas to curl up and read a sappy book in."
"Pretty sure all of that is already in there?" I weakly gesture to the gigantic sack again. "And how do you plan on contacting me? I'll be in Oto, you'll be in Konoha. They're not exactly neighbors or even on speaking terms."
"You were in contact with Tsunade." She points out. "Surely it'll be much easier to get in contact with me. I'm not the one under constant guard. How did you do that anyways?"
"Trade secret." I mildly laugh as she pouts without releasing my shoulders. "Sure I could do it but I don't feel right about using my spy network for something so… small." I wanted to say unimportant but I think that would get me yelled at.
"Wait you have a spy network?" Ino asks in surprise, the clothes are momentarily forgotten. "Really?"
"Yep! How else would I possibly know the things I do? I knew that Koyuki wasn't Yukie the night we met. It's a damn good network."
"Wow. You're always doing such cool things." Then her face darkens. "Alvarcus Mar have you been spying on me?"
"Yes." I easily admit. "I have been keeping tabs on all my friends back in Konoha. I prefer to say keeping tabs, spying sounds wrong."
"Perfect!" She finally lets go of me and skips over to the sac of clothes. "Then you'll know if I want more clothes, I'll leave a note on my desk for you."
"Shit. I walked right into that one." I sigh as I accept my defeat.
"Yes! These are amazing!" Ino has opened the sack as is rummaging through its contents with glee.
"Uh… Ino?" I call out to her.
"It's so pretty!" She holds up a top of some kind then tosses it onto the bed. She's completely ignoring me. "Oh this one is just gorgeous! And such a lovely material too!"
"Right." I turn and walk out of the room. "I'm just going to go now."
Minutes Later
"Anko I need your help." I sorrowfully ask the kunoichi. It's just her and I, I tracked her down and cornered her.
"This is new, you need my help?" Anko looks very interested all of a sudden. "With what exactly?"
"It's Ino." I admit as my head droops a little and my shoulders slump. "I don't know what to do."
"Huh." Anko looks me up and down, evaluating me. "Really? You don't know what to do?"
"I have absolutely no fucking clue." I shamelessly admit. "I've never done this before. I'm in dangerous waters and I don't want to leave a bad impression."
"And you came to me?" Anko asks for clarification. "Not Kakashi? He's your sensei, surely he'd be more than willing to help you out. Probably provide better advice too, he's gone through what you are. Not really sure how much I can relate."
"Pfft you think Kakashi would be a better source of advice?" I snort out in amusement. "Anko I'm dealing with Ino. She's a girl. You're a girl. You'd give me way better advice than he would."
"That's actually a good point." Anko taps her chin in thought. "Okay. Here's what you do. Ino is just as nervous about this as you are so you need to man up and take charge. I'm not talking about shoving her against a wall and having your way with her - unless she's into that. I could see it - I'm talking about being confident. Don't second guess yourself, even if you don't know what you're doing act like you do. It will make her feel better and once you get it in instinct will take over. Watch her, don't just stare at her as you two fuck I mean really watch her. Look and see what she likes, watch for little twitches of her face and if she moans out loudly as you hit a certain spot. Take your time with her, don't rush things. Enjoy it and do everything you can to make sure she enjoys it too. After the first time she'll be ready to do more, it's just getting over that initial hump. Hehe, literally in this case."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" I shout at the crazy lady before me.
"What?" She looks at me in confusion. "Didn't you need advice about sex?"
"No! Not at all! I know what I'm doing!"
"You're not a virgin?" Anko reassess her opinion of me. "Damn, who was the lucky lady?"
"Why the fuck would I share something private like that with you? That's not what we're talking about! Why the hell did you assume I meant sex?"
"Hello! Open your damn eyes! She likes you!" Anko says in mild anger. "How the hell have you not seen it? And you like her back! Don't attempt to deny it, I know what I see."
"I know." I change from outraged shock to depressed. "I know she likes me. I've known for a couple days now."
"Then why haven't you done anything! You two are so cute together! Seriously sometimes it makes me want to gag."
"Anko she lives in Konoha. I'm in Otogakure. There's no hope for a relationship to form. None at all. That's assuming that I even want to change our friendship into something more. I value that friendship, I don't want to lose it."
"Hey you can fuck and still be friends. Ever heard of friends with benefits? It's a thing." She continues to push the idea.
"Anko stop." I order her. "It's not going to happen. Even if she wants it to. Even if I want it to. I'm not going to allow it to happen. Now I came here with an actual goal. Ino is gushing over a new mountain of clothes in my room. I need someone to get her out of it so I came to get the only other female I know to do it because I'm way out of my comfort zone and you're probably the only one here that can relate to her and know what to say to get her out."
"Why the hell won't you?" Anko asks me in anger. "She's hot! She's willing! You like her! It's perfect!"
"ANKO!" I roar at her. "I have my reasons. Drop it."
"Did your kinjutsu make your dick not work anymore?" She glances down at my crotch. "Talk about a waste of potential. Unlimited stamina."
"I am fully functional." I growl out at her. Though I might shoot blanks. Not really sure about that one.
~I am capable of replicating the functions of every organ I devoured. That does include all parts of the male reproductive system. That means you can 'shoot blanks,' as you so elegantly put it, if you want to.~
"Then prove it you limp dick pansy." Anko attempts to goad me.
"That's not going to work." I brush off her attempt to rile me up. "Now leave it alone and get Ino out of my room so I have somewhere to sleep tonight."
"You are the most unreasonably stubborn person I have ever met." Anko narrows her eyes at me as if she's rising up to a challenge. Great. "Fine, I'll get Ino out of your room."
"Thank you." I turn around and walk away from the scheming kunoichi.
"This isn't over." She softly promises herself. "It's not over."
"Ino!" Anko calls out in a singsong voice as she bursts into Alvarcus's room. "A little birdy told me-"
She immediately cuts herself off from talking. The gears in her head are whirling as fast as they possibly can at the sight before her. She's planning and plotting, using this surprising new information to enhance what she already had. It's going to be perfect.
"Anko!" Ino quickly wads up the clothing she was holding up to admire and embarrassingly hides it behind her back. "Uh… hi? You didn't see anything."
"Oh Honey, I saw it all." Anko plops down next to her protege. "There's no need to be embarrassed about owning sexy underwear, even if a boy gave them to you."
"I - but he - never - it's -" Ino flounders like a fish out of water to make an excuse.
"Save it, I know that Alvarcus got you them. He recruited me to get you out of his room since someone got carried away."
"You know?" Ino tentatively asks.
"Yep! He wants his room back. Just one question though, why the hell was it spider web themed?"