"What the fuck are you three doing here?"
Why can't I get a break? Why is it that everything goes wrong? Why does nothing ever go as planned for me? Anko Mitarashi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka have caught me.
Fuck you Fate, Life, Karma, or whoever the hell is messing with me!
Why can't I have a normal mission? I'm supposed to be on a vacation! This is supposed to be stress free not spiral out of control in the most chaotic way possible! I just wanted to unwind for a bit! Just go to the Land of Snow, get a specific metal, then do whatever the fuck I want to for the rest of my two weeks!
But no I don't get to have nice things in life! That would be too easy!
"Shikamaru don't let him go." Ino says to her teammate. Good news, she's finally picked an emotion to channel. Bad news, it's anger. She's pissed, with good reason too. I've done a lot of shit recently. "He's going to answer some questions I have. He has this nasty habit of always slipping through my fingers. No more! He's caught and has nowhere to go."
"Hello to you too." I sarcastically retort. "And what makes you think I'm going to answer any of them?"
A senbon lodges itself into my left shoulder.
"I've got my own questions for you." Anko was the one who threw it at me. "Where's Orochimaru?"
"I'm sorry, was that supposed to hurt?" I channel my inner lunatic - which is much easier than I thought it would be - and let out a crazed cackle. "You'll have to do way better than that if you want me to bat an eyelash."
"With pleasure." Anko pulls out a kunai. This one is different from most, one of the sides is like a normal kunai. It's sharp and smooth. The other is what is different. It's broken and jagged. It's a serrated blade, one meant to cause damage and pain not death. It's a torture tool.
"Anko no!" Ino steps between us but it's not her trying to stop Anko that surprises me. It's how she's standing. She's staring Anko down, daring the older kunoichi to try to touch me one more time and her back is facing me.
She's turned her back on me. She's leaving herself wide open for me to attack her, to do anything and everything I possibly can think of. A quick jutsu or maybe a kunai to the base of the skull, my options are limitless. But she trusts me enough to show her unprotected back to me. She truly thinks that I won't do anything to hurt her. In the shinobi world you only willingly show your back to those you implicitly trust above all else.
"Ino move or I will move you." Anko threatens her student. "This is my chance. He has to know where Orochimaru is at."
"You will do nothing! He is not some random Oto shinobi for you to torture! He is not some stranger that we don't care about! He is not some worthless statistic of Orochimaru's! He is my friend!" Ino gets right in Anko's face and shout so loudly that spittle flies out of her mouth. "Don't think for an instant that your questions are more important than mine! I don't care if he knows where Orochimaru is at! That doesn't matter! I want to know what happened to my friend! I will not stand by and do nothing as you make him suffer more! He's been through more than you can possibly imagine and you want to add to his pain and suffering? I will not allow it! You have no idea who he even is! He is one of Konoha's most loy-"
"As amusing as this is." I cut in before Ino can reveal the truth about me. That was too damn close, way too damn close. Yet it was also heartwarming. Even after all the stuff I've put Ino through it's nice to know she still feels that way about me. That she doesn't think I've become a monster. "Shikamaru has to be almost at his limit."
"He's not wrong." Shikamaru strains out under great pressure. "He keeps periodically stress testing my jutsu. Every couple of seconds he flares his strength to try and break it. He's coming closer and closer each time."
"You can feel that?" That's interesting, I never knew the Shadow Possession jutsu was that detailed.
"I'll poison him." Anko sheaths her serrated kunai with a huff. She's backed off for now but by no means has she given up on asking me where Orochimaru is at. "One of my snakes should be enough."
Works for me, poison won't do jack shit to me.
"That won't work." Ino denys Anko's idea. "Poison doesn't work on him. He made that very clear during the Chunin Exams we just went to."
Well shit. There goes that idea.
"Chakra suppression tags?" Shikamaru offers with his strained voice. "I'm close to my limit."
"We don't have any." Anko points out. Then she turns to Ino. "Why don't you just hop inside his head? You can get your questions answered and then he won't be able to go anywhere."
"That's a bad idea." Ino hesitantly shoots me, or rather the Jiongu, a fearful look over her shoulder. She still has her back to me. "His mind is unique. The best way to describe it is like he has a built in defense."
"Not to mention that it's not the prettiest place." I chime in with a mocking tone. "Seriously you would not believe the things I have bouncing around in there. It got dark, really dark."
"Oh quit it with the act! We all know you're still a good person! You're not scaring us away that easily!" Ino reprimands me before turning back to her teammates. "Why don't we just tie him up? Why go through all of these complex ideas when the basics work?"
"I'm not acting. Pop on inside if you want to see for yourself." I attempt to shrug in indifference but someone still has me caught in a jutsu. Wait a moment, why the hell am I still here? I can get out of this anytime I want to. "And I vote for tying me up. That's the best one I've heard all day, especially since I have this little thing called chakra at my disposal."
"That is a good point." Anko points out. "There's no point in tying him up if he can use a jutsu to cut the bonds."
"Wow that was a lot of points there." I cheekily sass her. "Oh, Shikamaru. This is just a friendly warning, but if I were you I'd dodge."
"Dodge what?" He smartly asks. "I've still got you caught, you're not free yet."
"True, but did you think you're the only one who plans ahead?" I ask him. "Remember those monsters I used to save you way back during the invasion?"
His eyes go wide and he throws himself to his left. Just in the nick of time too, my water minion finally dropped from the ceiling to land right where he was.
"What the fuck is that thing!?" Anko roars as my water monster leaps down the hallway to stand by my side. It also has the added effect of causing both Ino and Anko to retreat towards Shikamaru so we're on opposite ends of the hallway.
And I'm on the side with the exit. How convenient.
With a sickening squelch I pull my loyal minion back into me. Every other person down here turns pale at the grotesque noise and action. It's not everyday something this bizarre happens, even if two of them have seen it before. It takes time to get used to the strangeness of it.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find another way to get to the Land of Snow." I calmly open the door to the exit. "Oh, by the way there's a large scroll full of the ship's cargo. Could one of you unseal it all when you reach your destination? I promised the Captain I'd do that. Thanks!"
I sprint out of the door and start weaving my way through the ship to make it to the deck so I can leave this cluster fuck behind me. Seriously this is supposed to be a vacation for me! So much for that!
"After him!" Ino shouts and she sprints after me. Right behind her are Anko and Shikamaru. "We can't let him get away again!"
Seriously though. First Kakuzu popped up out of nowhere. Though looking back on it, it does sort of make sense? He's a Hunter himself so why wouldn't he frequently visit bounty stations?
"I've got a plan." Shikamaru tells his team. "We just need to corner him for thirty seconds. We don't even have to catch him, all I need to do is talk to him."
Now I'm running away from Konoha shinobi? Konoha shinobi that I personally know? I swear there's no way this could get worse! Well at least it's not like Kakashi or Naruto will pop up randomly. Then the world really is out to get me.
I finally fling open one final door to reveal the deck of the ship. I'm free!
"Rasengan!" An orange blur darts at me from the opposite side of the deck.
"DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO!" I roar as Naruto fucking Uzumaki is charging at me with his signature attack fully powered up.
Naruto's eyes widen as he recognizes my voice but he doesn't slow down his charge. If anything he pours on more speed, he's intent on ramming the Rasengan into my chest.
That's unexpected. Maybe he took Sasuke and me leaving harder than I anticipated?
Like hell I'm letting that happen. When his attack is barely half a meter away I snap my arm out and grab his wrist. Then using his own momentum against him I spin both him and myself around and throw him overboard.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" I shout as a geyser of water taller than the mast of the boat sprays up from where he landed in the ocean. "Don't use jutsu around things you don't want destroyed! Don't you need this damn ship to get to Snow?"
"Alvarcus?" A new voice calls out to me. But it's not a new voice to me, it's just one I haven't heard in awhile.
"Kakashi-sensei?" No fucking way. Kakashi is standing in shock over by what looks like a camera crew and actors. They're all staring at me with mixed emotions. Some of the crew feel fear, obviously their shinobi and I don't get along since Naruto didn't hesitate to attack me. Others feel surprise, like they've never seen shinobi in action before. But it's the last one who worries me, if I had to hazard a guess I'd say this person is the director. He's impressed and planning, thinking of ways to incorporate me into his work.
"This! Is! BULLSHIT!" I roar at my sensei. "I'm supposed to be on vacation! Vacation! You know, the thing people go on to get away from stress and their problems! But no! Let's just pile more shit onto my plate! Because why the fuck not! It's not like I care at all!"
A firm hand falls onto my shoulder from behind me.
"Will you come quietly or do I have to use force?" Kakashi himself says. I've forgotten just how fast and crafty my sensei is, he must have switched with a clone while I was yelling. "You're good, very good, but I'm better. I know your strengths. I know your weaknesses. I know how you think. I simply know you. You don't have a chance of beating me and I'll die before I let you take anyone else hostage again."
"Why is nothing ever easy for me!" I whine to myself. "Okay. Kakashi-sensei -"
"I'm not your sensei any longer." He growls out to me.
"Whatever. Like I was saying, Kakashi-sensei, you're not the only one who knows the other." I reach into my coat as Kakashi's hand crushes my shoulder. It would be useless if I didn't have the Jiongu to fix it for me. "I know you very well too. I know one of your biggest weaknesses."
"Great!" Anko says as she busts out onto the deck with Ino and Shikamaru. "Kakashi got him."
I whip out a dull green book and instantly the hold on my shoulder is released and Kakashi's entire demeanor has changed. He's no longer Kakashi of the Sharingan, he's Kakashi the pervert and I'm dangling something very… perverted right in front of him.
"I present The Great Outdoors." I show him the book's cover. "One of Jiraiya's rarest works. There's only two hundred in the world."
"Oh you've gotta be shitting me." Shikamaru groans in defeat.
"How did you find that?" Kakashi whispers out as he reaches for it slowly. "Can I…"
"Now I know that's not quite enough to guarantee you're harmless to me. So let me add on something else to it." I open the front cover of the book and show him the inside. "It's a signed copy."
"Is this actually going to work?" Ino asks Anko and Shikamaru. "Like… really?"
I've been holding onto this baby for this exact situation. Ever since I saw it at the War Games I knew I had to keep it. Kakashi is the only one who could possibly appreciate this enough and I know that if we ever did meet I'd need a way to best him. I know that I can't fight evenly with him yet so this was my solution. I just didn't think it would be this soon.
"Have I ever mentioned that you're my favorite student?" Kakashi gives me his sweetest eye smile. "Because you are."
"I know I am." I snap the book shut and tantalizingly dangle it in front of him. "The book is yours as long as you promise to not try and capture me."
"Done!" He's practically frothing at the mouth. Mask? Whatever. "Gimmie!"
"Of course it worked." Anko heaves out a sigh. "Seriously Kakashi it's shit like this that makes people not take you seriously."
"Catch." I toss my sensei the book. I've missed him and his antics. "Now if you'll excuse me, I was running away from-"
"Shadow Possession complete." Shikamaru smirks. "Again."
"-them. Fucking dammit." I attempt to hang my head in shame but someone doesn't let me! This jutsu is annoying! "We're doing this again? Do you really expect it to end any differently from before?"
"Not really." Shikamaru admits as he walks both himself and me closer together. "I just need to make you listen for a bit."
"Oh?" I calmly say despite not being in control of my body. I'm tired of this bullshit being caught by shadows. I'm going to see just how good it really is. "You think you can convince me to return to Konoha with words alone?"
I launch a whole bunch of chakra strings out of my back and connect them to various parts of the ship. My plan is simple, I'm going to use them to pull me out of the jutsu since just brute force isn't working. Both of them together should do the trick, and if not then I'll just wait until he runs out of stamina again and knock him out. Like I said I'm tired of being caught.
"Nah I'm not that optimistic." Shikamaru waves off my words and I mimic him. Wow this is super annoying. "I'm just going to convince you to stay with us for this mission. We're here to protect the actress Yukie Fujikaze and you're going to help us."
"Why the hell would I do that?" I ask in genuine confusion. I even halt my plan of escaping just to figure out what he's talking about. "I don't remember hitting you on the head. Did you trip and fall while chasing me? You're not making any sense at all."
"It's very simple, you owe me an easy paycheck. I'm cashing in on that favor." Shikamaru darkly smiles in victory. "Or are you not a man of your word?"
That fucker. He's cashing in on the one favor I owe him. Back when I was still in Konoha, mere days before Sasuke and I left for Orochimaru and Sound, there was a very fun mock battle between the Rookie Nine and some ANBU. Cat was supposed to stop me from finding Tora and I was supposed to get Tora back to Tsunade. I recruited Shikamaru to help me fight against the overwhelming number of ANBU that Cat rounded up by saying I'd go on a mission with him and let him slack off as much as he wants to.
"You, Shikamaru Nara, are an asshole." I growl out in anger and resignation. "Fine. I'll help keep the actress alive. That's it. I'm not going to fight any battles for you. I'm not going to do the entire mission alone. All I'm going to do is make sure she doesn't die. If someone throws a kunai at her I'll make sure it misses but it's up to the rest of you to kill the one who threw it. That's the best you're getting out of me. I'm here for my own reasons too, so if I do something you don't approve of or understand why I did it just shut up about it. And I'm not starting until tomorrow morning, I've got a couple things to do."
"Welcome to the team." Shikamaru drops his hold over me. "Good to have you back."
"You're going to help us on our mission?" Ino asks excitedly. "You're not going to run away this time?"
"Not right now at least." I'm going to regret this. I'm going to massively regret this. "Looks like you're stuck with me until the mission is over."
"Good!" Ino loops her arm around mine. "You've got some explaining to do and I will get my answers."
"Uh… how about no?" I slide my arm out of hers and walk back towards the interior of the ship. "I don't even know where I'm sleeping tonight. I've got stuff to do still. Not to mention seal away whatever other cargo the Captain brings. This wouldn't be an issue but some people just had to interrupt my work!"
"I'm not sorry!" Ino calls to me as I step inside the ship once more. "And I will get those answers whether I have to pry them from your head or not!"
"Sure you will." I let the door close behind me. The second it closes I lean my back on it. "Why does this shit always happen to me? I just wanted a normal mission. Just one. Apparently that's asking too much."
"This is perfect." Ino sinisterly says to herself and I hear her through the door. I can just picture her in my head with an evil grin on her face as she rubs her hands together with malicious intent. There's even a backdrop behind her, one of scary monsters and eldritch horrors. I can even picture her coat flapping in the wind to add to the image.
Hold on, she's wearing a coat?
I push myself off the door and crack it back open and poke my head out. Either I'm crazy or she's dressing like Anko, I have to check. I do a quick once over of Ino - okay so it might have been a very long and drawn out look - fully taking in her new look. "By the way, I like the coat."
The last thing I see before I shut the door again is Ino's flushed face.