By the age of 12, Alex's life took a darker turn, marked by experimentation with substances and risky behavior. "12 years old, vaping, partying, girls, beef with elders, and weed," they listed matter-of-factly. "I was fucked up. I was a local weed/vape scammer. I would trade weed for vapes = money. I would always be the one to be like, 'Let's have a party on some roof or some crazy shit like that.'"Their teenage years were characterized by a relentless search for thrills and escape. "My life also took a change," Alex reflected, their voice carrying a weight of resignation. "Running away all the time. I think I've run away over 100 times in the time period from 10 to 12."Their bond with a friend at the foster home provided a temporary refuge amidst the chaos. "Me and a friend at my foster home smoked weed together, drank, and so on," they recounted, a hint of camaraderie in their voice. "When the workers found out, we always ran away. They wouldn't let us be together for a long time until we started playing Minecraft factions. Bro, shit was the best thing ever."Their escapades often crossed legal boundaries, reflecting a deep-seated defiance towards authority. "One day, we got sick of it and started assaulting the workers and ran away in the middle of the night," Alex admitted, their tone serious. "We were gone for almost 2 days. We had to walk, steal bikes, and sleep in parks, train stations. We basically walked all around CPH."
Their adolescence was a whirlwind of rebellion and survival, marked by moments of defiance and fleeting camaraderie. "Fast forward to my last year in CPH," Alex continued, their voice steeped in the memories of a tumultuous past. "So me and another friend started breaking into big constructions and stealing a bunch of shit there and selling it. If we found expensive machinery, a member of Satudarah would be interested, so we did it more until it got boring and spent cash quicker than Hitler could invade France."Amidst the chaos, Alex found moments of introspection and inspiration in unexpected places. "I remember playing a game called Life is Strange," they recounted, their voice softening with reflection. "You play as this girl named Chloe, and I could relate to all of her problems. It inspired me a lot to style differently and not care what others would think."Their departure from Copenhagen marked a tumultuous end to a chapter filled with defiance and recklessness. "My last day in CPH,"Alex recalled, their voice tinged with the echoes of a violent altercation. "I had beef with some other dude from another part of Hvidovre. He was in a wheelchair, so it didn't bother me that much until he texted me in the evening, 'Come outside, let's fight. Meet me at this school.'"The altercation escalated quickly, reflecting the volatility of their environment. "I took a plate carrier vest under my jacket, so I stood in front of him, punched him in the head," Alex recounted, their voice matter-of-fact. "Then I heard at least 20 people running at me. One hit me with a taser, and I got hit with bats. Someone tried to stab me, but I think the vest saved me there."Their escape from the violent confrontation showcased their resilience amidst chaos. "So I got up like 10 seconds after, running around the building, which is like 60 meters, while my life is on play," Alex described, their voice tinged with adrenaline. "So I got inside, but then they ran in, tased a worker, as i ran upstairs and locked the fire doors and called the police. The next day, they saw the camera and counted 30 people."The aftermath of the altercation left a lasting impact on Alex's life in Copenhagen. "So I got sent home and never came back," they concluded, their voice carrying the weight of unfinished business. "I'm still being hunted all over, so I took a gun with me until the next time I was going to go there. And yeah, that's a story for another time."Their reflections on Hvidovre offered a mix of fondness and bitterness, colored by the complexities of their relationships and experiences. "I liked Hvidovre a lot, ngl," Alex admitted, their voice softening momentarily. "I remember flirting with one of the girls who lived at the foster home, and she cheated, kinda, so of course, I got mad."Their transient life brought a mix of challenges and unexpected connections. "Yeah, I've met a lot of friends just by moving around, tbh," Alex reflected, their voice trailing off. "It's not that bad. My life is a rollercoaster."Alex's candid reflections continued to unravel the complexities of their inner world, a tumultuous journey marked by profound struggles and fleeting moments of solace."I was 9 years old when it all started. We all have our problems; what about mine?" Alex's voice echoed with a mix of resignation and defiance. "Well, when I was 9, I had suicidal thoughts and anger problems, and I guess my mom couldn't handle that, so she sent me away. I still don't know why she did it 100 percent yet."Their move to Hvidborg offered a glimmer of hope amidst the upheaval. "At that time, I lost my friends and everything," they continued, their tone tinged with bitterness. "But that was about to change when I moved to the new place, Hvidborg. I made a lot of friends there until I was 13."Yet, even amidst newfound connections, their life took a darker turn. "I got involved in gangs; well, I was already into it as an 11-year-old," Alex admitted, their voice reflecting the weight of their experiences. "But yeah, living the life on the run, being a rebel, is not that easy."Their thoughts often drifted towards the abyss of despair. "I've tried suicidal attempts 10 times," Alex confessed, their voice hauntingly matter-of-fact. "Every day, I have the same thought about just standing in front of a train going 170 km/h; that should be good, I guess, but there is still something holding me back from doing that."Despite the darkness that surrounded them, Alex found moments of light in their relationship. "I don't have friends, or I have some that I never see," they reflected, a hint of vulnerability creeping into their words. "I have a girlfriend that I love, and I won't lose her, so there is that."Their aspirations for a future tinged with uncertainty and longing reflected a yearning for normalcy. "To be honest, I want to see my future, but I'm just so lost right now," they admitted, their voice trailing off. "I just want to have a normal life like everyone else. I guess I'm never going to get that."The absence of paternal presence cast a long shadow over Alex's reflections. "I just want to be able to say, 'Hey, dad, let's go do that or spend some time,'" they lamented, their voice tinged with sorrow. "That will never happen."Amidst the turmoil, Alex's thoughts turned towards parenthood, a desire rooted in their longing for a different upbringing. "Sometimes I think of my future; one thing is for sure, I want to raise a child like I wanted to be raised instead of this shit," they asserted, their voice tinged with determination. "But I guess that won't happen if I am still alive."Their conflicted emotions toward life and death painted a poignant picture of internal struggle. "Maybe I make it this year as well; I should have been dead ages ago," Alex mused, their voice heavy with the weight of their thoughts. "I guess it's not that easy to die. Let's see how this year is going to go, but there is a chance that I die, hopefully."Despite their tumultuous emotions, Alex acknowledged the anchor that kept them grounded. "I'm sorry I can't leave the one that I love the most," they admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "I may be far away from her, but that doesn't stop me. I love her with all my heart."Their thoughts meandered through moments of intimacy and uncertainty. "It's just hard because sometimes when we are together, it's like she doesn't notice me," Alex confessed, a hint of insecurity creeping into their voice. "I'm sometimes just thinking of making her look at my face close, tell her to close her eyes, tell her that I love her, and kiss her."Their fear of rejection colored their interactions, a poignant reflection of their internal struggles. "But I'm just scared that she'll back away or something like that," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with uncertainty. "I'm just so scared that I'm going to do something wrong. Maybe I'm not good enough."Amidst their longing for closeness, Alex found solace in the moments they shared. "I just want to hug her, tell her that I love her, and that I'm happy she's here," they revealed, their voice softening with tenderness. "I want to cuddle her, be with her when everything is tough."Their thoughts wandered through the complexities of relationships and the fear of loss. "I guess it won't happen; I don't know," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with a mixture of hope and doubt. "I'm also just scared that she might find someone else, and that I move to Vejle, and she doesn't have time."The intensity of their emotions contrasted with moments of fleeting happiness. "I'm just glad every second I can spend with her or listen to her voice," Alex confessed, their voice laced with sincerity. "When I can feel her smooth skin, she really does make me happy. I haven't been that happy for a long time."Their defense of their partner's beauty underscored their appreciation for authenticity. "Whenever someone asks how does your girlfriend look like and I show a picture, and they just talk shit because there are standards," Alex recalled with a hint of frustration. "Yes, I like girls without makeup. I love girls that are just themselves. I like girls with long legs. I think you're beautiful the way you are."Yet, amidst their devotion, Alex grappled with insecurities and fears of inadequacy. "But I'm also afraid that I might lose her or that she doesn't love me," they admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "I gotta stop being so afraid."Their reflections on their relationship and inner turmoil painted a poignant picture of a soul seeking solace amidst chaos. "Next time I'm going to kiss her, I want to kiss her for more than 1 second so I can feel her soft lips and feel her," Alex expressed, their longing palpable in their words.As their thoughts drifted, Alex found solace in their writing, a tether to reality amidst the tumult of their emotions. "Why do I write?" they pondered aloud, their voice carrying a hint of introspection. "I go through at least millions of thoughts every day, and I'm full of thoughts I can't contain myself from thinking and sinking into it, almost like another reality."Their pursuit of clarity amidst the chaos of their thoughts reflected a profound yearning for understanding. "I guess I'm trying to say that I'm writing to stay in touch with what's real and what's not," Alex reflected, their voice tinged with uncertainty. "I don't know, honestly."Their metaphorical reference to a shining star captured their aspiration for something beyond their reach yet within sight. "Anyway, there is this shining star," they acknowledged, their voice filled with a mix of yearning and frustration. "I couldn't see it from the first day, but lately, I've been getting closer to that star, and I want to feel that star, I really do."Despite their longing for connection, Alex acknowledged their struggle with emotional intimacy. "But there's just so much force pulling me away from the shiny star," they confessed, their voice heavy with resignation. "I don't know how to get rid of the barrier, or I do, but it would take light years. And we can't have that."Their emotional confusion extended to their understanding of love and relationships, a vulnerability they often sought to avoid. "But at the same time, it's like I'm misunderstanding that star," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with self-awareness. "I don't know how to handle love and feelings; that's a weak area I'm trying to avoid because I would never truly understand how that works, and I can't even express myself in words, only through my actions."Their battle with self-harm and emotional turmoil laid bare their internal strife. "I was so emotionally confused yesterday; I wanted to slice again, but I ended up not doing it," Alex revealed, their voice tinged with relief. "Do I love that star? I don't know, but I want to be with a star like that forever. A bright star forming a path."