Alex's inner turmoil continued to manifest in fragmented thoughts and emotional struggles, revealing deeper layers of their ongoing battle with self-perception and social interaction."Fucking been awake for the whole night," Alex began, their voice tinged with exhaustion and frustration. "I'm really like a totally different person."Their avoidance of people underscored their discomfort in social settings. "I avoid people as much as I can, and I'm easily irritated," they admitted, their tone reflecting a sense of vulnerability. "I feel like I'm about to boil."The emotional weight of their experiences became palpable as Alex described their conflicted state. "But for the past 2 hours, I've felt like I want to cry," they confessed, their voice trembling with emotion. "My eyes have been tearing up, and I feel confused and frustrated."Their withdrawal from social interactions further deepened their sense of isolation. "I've kept conversations to a minimum and tried my best to avoid everybody," Alex continued, their voice subdued. "I can't come back; I feel like it's going to be weird and awkward when I'm back, and I can't stand that."Reflecting on their feelings about a particular incident with a friend, Alex's discomfort was evident. "Also, this fat guy, we're cool and all, but we always mess around, whether it's fighting or whatever," they recounted, their voice strained. "But he, as a joke, forced himself on me. And since then, I just haven't spoken a word to him."Their struggle to control their emotions revealed a complex inner conflict. "I was angry, but I'm not in control of my anger, so I try as hard as I can to remain quiet," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with frustration. "I don't know what I would do if I were to lose it. Fucking hell."As their thoughts drifted, Alex's solitude and boredom weighed heavily on their mind. "It's awfully quiet," they observed, their voice tinged with resignation. "I've managed to waste a lot of time, but it's still utterly boring."
Their reliance on substances to alleviate boredom underscored their struggle for distraction. "I smoked my last weed, and I told myself I wouldn't smoke this month, but I have nothing to do, and I'm bored shitless," Alex lamented, their voice carrying a hint of resignation. "I got alcohol, a whole bottle in the fridge, but I don't want to drink either."
Their sense of ennui was compounded by the monotony of their days. "This day is going to pass in my room as usual," they predicted, their voice tinged with a mix of apathy and frustration. "My weekends have been decent, actually quite fun. I just need a break; people can be too much."Despite their desire for change, Alex found themselves trapped in a repetitive cycle. "Fuck, I keep realizing that I'm still in a loop," they acknowledged, their voice betraying a sense of hopelessness. "New month, same shit. I stayed home from school just like last Monday. Same shit."Their skepticism toward seeking help reflected a deeper mistrust of conventional solutions. "Didn't I seek help from those fuckers?" Alex pondered, their voice tinged with cynicism. "I haven't heard back, and I'm still very skeptical about it. I feel like it's, 'Take the meds they're gonna give you and live off a false image,' or 'Continue like I am and live in reality.' Our reality is fucked up, or it's boring."Their longing for escape manifested in thoughts of leaving everything behind. "Sometimes I've thought about boarding cargo trains and just traveling," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with a mix of fantasy and resignation. "Why am I just sitting here then? Do it. Fuck, I don't know. My existence is a mistake."As their introspection deepened, Alex's struggle with relationships and self-acceptance came into sharper focus. "Here again. Alone," they noted, their voice carrying a sense of resignation. "I've been seeing one of my friends a lot, but I can't figure her out. Or I start to think. I actually left earlier than planned because I felt like I was being a nuisance."Their frustration with seeking help was evident in their tone. "I'm done seeking help," Alex declared, their voice tinged with bitterness. "The second time I tried, and I just get rejected like some object that isn't needed enough. What the heck! I really went out of my skin to try to get someone to talk to."Their struggle with dissociation and discomfort with their own thoughts continued to haunt them. "This weird uneasiness that creeps up on my shoulder whenever I'm alone," they reflected, their voice distant yet introspective. "Like I'm grabbed out of my body and I can't move. I'm spaced out but aware. I wanna laugh but I won't. When I'm at that point, I'll just sit quiet and stare at something."Their thoughts turned briefly to their desires for intimacy and connection. "About girls," Alex mused, their voice softening momentarily. "Myself. Feelings. A bit of everything."Their frustration with societal expectations of masculinity surfaced in a plea for comfort. "Also, why the fuck is it so hard to get a girl to cuddle you? Is like is the man's job to do," they lamented, their voice tinged with a mix of vulnerability and defiance. "Damn, miss me with that beta shit. Cuddle me. Just for the comfort, nothing deep."As they signed off their thoughts, Alex's sense of identity and resilience shone through. "I is changing," they asserted, their voice carrying a hint of determination amidst the chaos of their emotions and thoughts.Alex's journey through these fragmented reflections painted a raw and candid portrait of a soul grappling with existential questions, social expectations, and the relentless pursuit of inner peace amidst external chaos.FIN New chapters 20/09/24 As a kid, I used writing as a way to feel like I was talking to someone. The story of Little Alex is about that kid. We're in the same boat, we've swum in the same river, and we breathe the same air—we just have different names. Writing this short story was a fun experience. I have a diary, but turning it into a full story would be too long and complicated, so I took small parts of my diary and created this. I hope you enjoyed it. ©©This license enables reusers to distribute, remix, adapt, and build upon the material in any medium or format, so long as attribution is given to the creator. The license allows for commercial use. CC Mail-freddykrug2015gmail.com