Asterin came in after a while, her face still weary from everything, but her concern was clear. "Lior... or should I say Aelin?" she said, glancing at my dirt-covered clothes, then at Orpheus. "You should go clean yourself and get some rest. Change into something warmer, these clothes are barely holding up. I'll stay with him for now."
I looked down at myself, realizing how the thin white fabric I had been wearing was now more blood and dirt than cloth. She was right. I couldn't keep going like this, not with Orpheus depending on me.
"Alright, thank you, Asterin," I said, trusting her to keep watch over him. I gave Orpheus one last glance before I left, hoping the next time I saw him, he'd be conscious.
I went to wash away the grime, each splash of water feeling like it was rinsing away more than just dirt—wiping away the stress, the battles, and the heavy responsibility hanging over me. Afterward, I found some warmer clothes and dressed, feeling a strange sense of relief in the warmth and comfort they provided.
It was a brief moment of peace before I had to return to the chaos, but it was enough to recharge me for what was ahead.
After I cleaned up, I decided to meditate, hoping it would calm my nerves and help me process everything that had happened. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing, trying to empty my mind. But instead, a random thought crossed my mind—something I hadn't fully processed yet: my gender-changing ability didn't just alter my body, it seemed to affect my personality too.
It was becoming clearer now. I decided I'd start using "Lior" for my male form and "Aelin" for my female form, because they felt like different people in many ways. Aelin was stricter, more serious, and definitely more ruthless. Whenever I shifted into her, I could barely control my anger, especially if I saw injustice, like someone harassing a girl. I'd jump in, no hesitation. As Lior, though, I was more laid-back, carefree, even a bit lazy. Things didn't bother me as much, and I definitely cracked more jokes.
And then there was the matter of attraction. As Lior, I was attracted to girls—it was simple. But as Aelin, it flipped, and I found myself drawn to guys instead. The thought was strange and unsettling, but it explained why my reactions had been so different depending on the form I was in.
The more I thought about it, the clearer it became: Aelin had more rizz, confidence oozing out of her without much effort, while Lior leaned into humor and charm. It was like two sides of the same coin—both me, yet distinct in how they moved through the world.
This realization left me feeling even more unsettled than before. It wasn't just the shifting between genders that was throwing me off, but the way it changed who I was, how I thought, and how I felt.
As soon as I left Orpheus's room, I was back to being Lior—a guy, just like that. But the moment I stepped back into his room, boom, I shifted again into Aelin. It was happening automatically now, like my body was adjusting based on proximity to him. I sighed, trying to stay calm despite the weirdness of it all.
Asterin was sitting beside Orpheus, watching over him. I walked up to her and said, "You should go rest, Asterin. You've been through enough. Send some liquid meal for him, and I'll take care of feeding him."
At first, she refused, shaking her head and insisting she could handle it. "I'm fine," she said, though her exhaustion was evident. But after a moment, she relented. "Alright, I'll send some food. But make sure he's okay," she said, giving me a tired but trusting look before leaving the room.
I could tell she was exhausted from everything that had happened. She'd been strong, holding it together through all this chaos, but she needed to take a break. Now it was my turn to make sure Orpheus was taken care of.
It was now night, and the room was dimly lit by a flickering candle on the bedside table. I was still sitting beside him on my chair, the weight of exhaustion pressing down on me like a boulder. Asterin had come in multiple times, urging me to rest, but how could I? I couldn't leave him like this. Not now.
I moved my chair closer to the bed, feeling the need to be near him. My hands, trembling slightly, reached out to grasp his. His hand was cold, too still, and the flood of emotions I had kept bottled up for so long finally broke free. For the first time in my life, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"I blame myself," I whispered, my voice shaky and low. "I'm so... angry, and sad. Honestly, I tried to keep my cool through everything—when I was suddenly reincarnated as Lior, ripped from my world. I missed my parents, my friends, all the people I left behind. But I had to let them go, you know? Even though life as Lior was good, I still missed them. I tried to stay strong, even then."
I squeezed his hand tighter, my vision blurring with tears I refused to let fall. "When my parents in this world loved me, I felt good. I thought... maybe, just maybe, things would be alright. And then this dual life started—living as you, Orpheus. I acted like it didn't affect me, like I could handle it. But, honestly? I was so damn angry. Being stuck in your first life, it felt like a curse. But I didn't let myself be sad. I told myself it would be fine."
My voice cracked, and I finally let out a soft sob, tears streaming down my face. "Then I lost you. It was horrible, Orpheus—so horrible—and then I got you back, only to lose you again... and again. And now here we are. I'm... I'm helpless, sitting here, unable to save you. It's like the universe is punishing me."
I wiped at my tears with the back of my hand, my head hung low. My dark blue hair fell in front of my face, hiding my tear-streaked cheeks. I couldn't even bear to look up at him. "I know I'm the cause of all of this. If I had never existed, none of this would've happened. You wouldn't have these short, tragic lives. I'm the reason you've suffered."
My words were barely a whisper now, thick with guilt and sorrow. "I'm sorry, Orpheus. I'm so sorry..."
The room was still, the silence pressing in on me, broken only by the soft sound of my ragged breaths. It was just me and him—alone, in this fragile, heartbreaking moment.
Slow tears streamed down my face, spilling over and soaking my cheeks. It felt like the weight of the world had crashed down on me, and I couldn't hold back any longer. Suddenly, a warm hand gently grasped my chin, lifting my face to meet his gaze.
When I looked up, it was Orpheus. His eyes met mine, filled with a sad expression that broke my heart all over again. Without thinking, I scrambled onto his bed and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly. He hesitated for a moment, and then, to my relief, he hugged me back, warmth radiating from him like a safe haven.
With a teasing smile that barely masked the sadness, he said, "I don't like crying, Lior."
The lightness of his words was a stark contrast to the heaviness in my heart. Maybe he was trying to lift my spirits, but I was too overwhelmed. "Why did you do it?" I choked out between sobs. "Why did you use forbidden magic just for my sake? You endangered your life! You should not have done it!"
I felt the tremors in my voice, my emotions spilling out like a torrent. "I was okay! I was fine inside, even without you risking everything! I don't want to lose you, Orphie!"
My words tumbled out in a rush, trembling with the fear of losing him again. I buried my face in his shoulder, tears soaking into his clothes as I clung to him like he was my lifeline. The thought of his absence was unbearable, and the fear of facing a future without him gnawed at me relentlessly.
"Please, just stay," I whispered, my voice muffled against him. "I can't go through this again. I can't lose you."
"You shouldn't have done it! Why was I so important for you to endanger your life?" I said, frustration mixing with my tears.
"I think you know the reason," he replied, a soft smile tugging at his lips.
"No, I don't," I insisted, my brows furrowing in confusion.
He gently lifted my chin with his hand, looking straight into my eyes. "Because I love you, idiot."
"Love me?" I blinked in disbelief. "I thought you just had a crush on me! I mean, I figured it out from your unofficial confession, but you love me?"
He chuckled lightly, shaking his head. "Well, it was more than a crush, Lior. You're everything to me. I've lived countless lives, and you're the one constant I cherish. You mean the world to me, and I'd do anything to protect that."
My heart raced, and I could barely process what he was saying. "But why risk everything for me? I'm just—"
"Just what? Just a kid?" he interrupted, his expression turning serious. "You're so much more than that. You're brave, kind, and you bring light into my life, even in the darkest times. I couldn't stand by and watch you suffer. You deserve to be happy, and if that means risking my life, then so be it."
Before I could respond, Asterin walked in, her eyes wide as she took in the scene. "Oh, sorry, sorry! Continue what you were doing!" she exclaimed, turning to leave.
"No, no, you misunderstood!" I called after her, scrambling off the bed and following her into the hallway. "It's not what it looks like! We were just talking!"
Asterin paused, turning around with an amused expression. "Sure, just talking. You two looked pretty cozy in there. I didn't mean to interrupt your little moment."
"Not like that!" I insisted, my face burning with embarrassment. "We were having a serious conversation about life and… and feelings!"
Orpheus smirked from the doorway, clearly enjoying my flustered state. "You can't blame her, Lior. I mean, we were just getting to the good part."
I shot him a glare, trying to regain my composure. "You're supposed to be the one in the hospital bed, not making jokes!"
Asterin giggled, clearly entertained by our banter. "Alright, alright. I'll let you two have your serious talk, but just remember—if you need a moment, I'm right outside."
As she walked away, I turned back to Orpheus, shaking my head with a smile. "See what you did? You're making me look like a fool."
He chuckled, a warmth spreading between us. "But you're my fool, and I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Stop being a flirt, you dumbass! I didn't accept your feelings!" I shot back, pouting as I turned away from Orpheus. My heart was racing, but there was no way I was going to let him see that. He just confessed that he loved me, and now I was stuck with the whirlwind of emotions that came with it.
"Now sulk here all you can!" I added over my shoulder, trying to make a dramatic exit, but his smirk only made me more flustered.
As I stomped out of the room, I caught Asterin waiting nearby. "Come on, let's go find your good-for-nothing brother!" I called to her, desperate for some distraction. Anything to keep me from spiraling after Orpheus dropped that bombshell.
Asterin gave me a curious look but followed without asking questions. Meanwhile, Orpheus was left sitting there, probably smug as hell, and I couldn't stand it. I need air, and I need to not think about how complicated everything's gotten.
After I stormed out of the room, leaving Orpheus to his sulking, I felt a bit creeped out. I mean, it's weird enough that your friend suddenly confesses they have feelings for you. But when you're literally two people, and he confessed to one version of you, then bam—you switch to the other? Yeah, that's a whole new level of awkward. I was back in my boy form as Lior, and it just felt... weird.
But as I walked further, it hit me—when I was Aelin, it didn't seem that strange. It was like the whole situation settled in better, the confusion melting away. Suddenly, the feelings made more sense. Is this what dual life mess does to you? I wondered, shaking my head. It was like flicking a switch between "uncomfortable" and "not-so-bad."
Leaving that weirdness behind for a second, I headed down the corridor while Asterin slipped into Orpheus' room to check on him. I didn't even bother glancing back. Let them have their talk. I wasn't ready to deal with the mushy stuff just yet.
Meanwhile, back in the room, Asterin sat beside Orpheus, giving him that look only she could pull off—half serious, half teasing. "So, how are you holding up, Mr. Confession?" she asked, a smirk tugging at her lips.
Orpheus sighed, leaning back on the bed. "Not exactly how I imagined that going," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "But hey, it's progress, right?"
Asterin chuckled. "Sure, if by progress, you mean getting called a dumbass and left to sulk. But don't worry, she'll—he'll—come around. Lior—Aelin, whoever—cares about you. It's just... complicated."
Orpheus nodded, a small smile on his face. "Yeah, I know. It's complicated for both of us."
Asterin's expression softened. "You should also know that Aelin—Lior—didn't leave your side for two days. She didn't even sleep. Took care of everything—your wounds, the creatures, the whole mess. She's been using her Noor to heal you the entire time."
Orpheus raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised. "Really?"
Asterin nodded. "Yeah, and not even a word of complaint. She—he—was devastated. Just... don't screw this up, okay?"
Orpheus let out a breath, a mix of guilt and warmth filling his chest. "I won't."
While they continued talking, I—Lior, for now—was walking around the grounds, trying to clear my head. Thinking about how everything had changed, how my feelings seemed to flip depending on which version of myself I was living. This whole situation was a mess, but somehow, it didn't feel entirely wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I'd figure it all out.
"Maybe I should just bang my head against the wall and come back to my senses," I thought, feeling the weight of the situation crashing over me. "I don't have those feelings for him... or anyone, really. What even is love? I don't get it."
It was true—I couldn't understand what love was supposed to feel like, not after living so many lives. Everything was so complicated, especially now with Orpheus. His feelings were clear, but mine? A total void. And even if I could understand love, I thought, I'm leaving him forever soon. There's no point in accepting his feelings.
The thought stung. As much as I tried to keep things light, there was something heavy about knowing I couldn't stay. "I just can't deal with this. Not now, not ever," I told myself, feeling the confusion turn into frustration.
Why does everything have to be this complicated?
I didn't go back to him the entire day, and I could tell he was struggling without me there. It was painful to watch, knowing that I was the one keeping him alive. But I was stubborn; I refused to face him after everything that happened.
As night fell, the house was quiet, and I knew he would be asleep. That was my chance. I crept toward his room, heart racing and mind swirling with a mix of guilt and determination. I had to continue his treatment; it was the least I could do after all he'd done for me.
"Just sneak in, do your thing, and get out," I whispered to myself, hoping the universe wouldn't throw any more curveballs my way. But as I quietly opened the door, I froze.
There he was—Orpheus—resting peacefully, but the moment I stepped inside, a floorboard creaked under my foot. My heart dropped. Crap!
I held my breath, trying to slip inside without waking him. But the tension in the air was thick, and I could feel my pulse quickening. Just when I thought I could get away with it, I saw his eyes flutter open.
"Lior?" he murmured, confusion and fatigue etched on his face.
"Uh... hey, I was just checking on you," I stammered, feigning nonchalance, even as my stomach twisted in knots.
He tried to sit up, but a wince of pain crossed his features. "You should have come earlier," he said, voice hoarse.
I stepped closer, guilt washing over me. "I didn't want to crowd you. You needed rest," I replied, trying to sound casual, but the concern in my voice betrayed me.
"Rest? I've been waiting for you," he said softly, a hint of a smile on his lips despite the weakness in his body. "You have no idea how hard it was to be without my healer."
Feeling a mix of warmth and frustration, I rolled my eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Orpheus. I'm just here to do my job."
"Right," he said, chuckling softly. "Your job. Well, I appreciate it, even if you are being stubborn."
I shook my head, trying to hide the smile creeping onto my face. "Fine, just lay back. I'm going to help you. No more arguing."
As I settled next to him, ready to channel my Noor into him, the air between us felt charged, heavy with unspoken words and lingering emotions. This was going to be complicated, but for now, I pushed everything else aside. He needed me, and I was going to make sure he was okay.
"If you feel any sort of pain, just tell me, okay?" I said, trying to sound serious as I sat beside him.
"Yeah, I do feel something," Orpheus replied with a smirk.
"Where?" I asked, panic creeping into my voice.
"In my heart," he said dramatically, clutching his chest. "Without you, I feel like I'm going to lose my sanity!"
"Wh—what?!" I sputtered, my cheeks flushing. "That's not funny! You can't just joke about things like that!"
I punched his arm—not too hard, but enough to make my point. "You doofus! Just sleep already! I'm going to go get some rest before I lose my sanity too! And trust me, nobody wants that."
He chuckled, clearly enjoying himself. "If you lose your sanity, who will keep me entertained? I'd be left with nothing but my terrible thoughts!"
"Trust me, your thoughts aren't the problem here. I think I'd rather deal with a horde of rabid salamanders than listen to your self-pitying monologues," I shot back, shaking my head.
Orpheus feigned a hurt expression. "Ouch! You wound me, Aelin. How could you say that? I thought we had a bond!"
"A bond? More like a comedy routine gone horribly wrong," I quipped, folding my arms. "You really need to work on your delivery."
"Maybe I'll hire a professional to help me with my jokes," he said with a wink. "But for now, I'll just keep practicing on you."
I rolled my eyes, unable to suppress a smile. "You're lucky I'm too tired to argue. Just get some sleep before I change my mind and go find a proper healer."
"Goodnight, Aelin or lior Just remember, I'll always be here to make you laugh—whether you like it or not," he replied, his voice lightening.
"Great, just what I need—a lifetime supply of your bad jokes," I said, shaking my head as I settled in for the night, the warmth of his presence easing my worries just a bit.