I hope you all have been well!
Life has been a bit...bumpy for me as of late, but nothing I can't handle.
Just a bit more time.
That seems to always be the best and only answer for many of the things that stress me.
A bit more time.
I keep thinking that "things will get easier when I am older."
I am 35 years old lol.
I can't get much older before I am just old.
Like these old journals of mine.
I look at them and wonder how I even managed to keep hold of them for so long, especially Volume 1...
My life back then was full of a series of rather jarring ups and downs, you know?
But at least I wrote some of it down, and have somehow managed to keep up with it long enough for it to end up right here where it is now lol.
With that being said, I will leave you all to it!
Enjoy!
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August 14th, 2012.
Journal #048.
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So it ends...last night myself and XXXXX decided to go our separate ways...
This is life...
As much as I lover her, she pushed me away until I hit my breaking point...
And now she kicks herself for it.
Wants me back.
"needs me."
I think it's a classic example of not wanting something until it's gone.
Until you can't have it...
Why else would she try to talk me out of being with her?
She said it was for my own good...
But I can't help but think that it was a selfish act...
That she had some reason to be rid of me...
I tried to think as positive as I could but alas in the end I found the same conclusion...
She wasn't happy.
And if she was, she didn't show it very well.
Half hugs.
Light kisses...
Half smiles.
Avoided eye contact...
One word text...
It was down hill till she realized that I really meant to leave...
That I was serious, that I meant every word I said to her.
If only she would have listened and we could have just went on happy like it never happened...
But no.
She had to push.
Push.
Push.
Now our grand relationship has crashed to an abrupt end...
Amongst that wreckage there is a light...
XXXXX
A new beginning...
That's what's needed...
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Sheesh.
AND lort, have merrbies.
-For the record, SHE broke up with me.
Lbvs.
-Looking back now, I know that I really should have just walked away as soon as I felt her pulling away from me like she did, but I was so madly in love with that woman that I really would have done just about anything within my power for her.
-This was all so confusing at the time, you know?
She was so distant and weird with me for a couple of weeks, and those were some of the most agonizing weeks of my entire existence.
Before this it had all been -seemingly- going so well, and I would have never believed that one day she would just cut me off and toss me aside with such abandon.
-A part of me did believe that she was looking for a reason to be done with me, as maybe I had managed to serve my purpose in her life. I just didn't want to see or believe it.
I was right, you know?
And the reason...well.
-I wish I could remember what I said to her that last time that I had saw her. I really do.
I don't recall either, what had happened between us that I was so willing to look past with her, but again, I wish I did.
-The crazy part about the next young lady who would wonder BACK into my life, is that she was my first fiancé.
My High school Sweetheart mind you.
She would just so happen to pop up just as myself and the women I was with were coming to a rather dreary end.
The timing seemed to me at the time like just what I needed: another distraction.
That was not fair to her at all.
I had always wanted a second go with her, a chance to right my past wrongs with her from our youth, you know?
That was not meant to be lbvs.
She went on to marry her mom's ex husband...
If that ain't a bit strange, then I don't know what is.
I guess I dodged the proverbial bullet huh?
Can you imagine those family reunions!? lmao!
-Oh! before I forget!
What might have made her push me away and subsequently toss me aside you ask?
Yeah...she was sleeping with my God brother.
My "BEST FRIEND."
The very same "BEST FRIEND" who I had gone to and cried my fucking eyes out over the breakup.
The "BEST FRIEND." who I had introduced to her just weeks before we started suddenly drifting apart.
Life is wild, yeah?
You think you know people so well.
What's crazier?
I had no idea, and he would have taken it to the grave had I not figured it out and pressed him on it.
What's crazier still?
I forgave him...
Why?
I have no idea, honestly.
But alas, he would strike again.
As in "form a healthy habit of fucking my exes."
Yeah...
The crazier crazy part!?
HE always was afraid to introduce women to me because he was of the mind that I would either try to take them, or they would like me more than him...
It looks like that was just a deflection huh?
A means to cover up his own pursuit of my exes, and in this case, th every woman that I was with.
That shit is wild.
What a twist, huh?
I will see you all back here soon enough folks.
Till then?
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
OH! and make sure that your bestie isn't fucking the love of your life behind your back, yeah?
-Redd.