Man!
Look at that date!
Almost a month between entries!?
I must have really been going through it!
The wild part?
I don't remember some of this period...
I know why.
I don't think I will say just yet.
But man...
Sometimes it can be easier to see things from the outside looking in, you know?
I am sure that many of you know by now what I mean, and what I am alluding to.
I remember taking the bus across town to go see her.
The trip -one way- was just under two hours, as she lived in a whole separate county from me, and if you know public transportation, you know public transportation.
She had a car, yes, but she also had a small gaggle of offspring lol.
I didn't mind making the trip to her, on the bus or even on the back of my -top of my?- skateboard.
But alas!
I know what you are here for and as always,
I won't keep you.
I hope that you all have been well, yeah?
Enjoy.
-----
August 8th, 2012.
Journal #047.
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So i sit here annoyed...
Something I'm used to by now.
It seems like I'm trying with all that I can, but she isn't.
She doesn't love me how I love her because I am not adequate.
In her mind, I never compare to her past life.
I'm just a physical amusement.
A toy to be played with and sat aside till needed...that's what I feel like.
A puppet that gives and gives and gives but receives nothing.
But how am I supposed to feel?
How is my heart supposed to feel right now?
Someone tell me because I have no idea...
No real concept.
It's all "perceptions and comparisons"
But I don't have either!
I'm just a fucking enigmatic knight...
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
That's me...
Relinquished.
-----
-Man...
I remember this...
I was so young.
I was too young to see, and she knew it.
She was still talking to her ex, and she made that clear.
I was so in love, that I just dealt with it.
In my defense, I thought that he was just sending her money for her rent and bills simply because he was the father of at least two of her children.
I can't definitively say that something was going on between them, but something was going on for sure.
Something that was pushing the two of us apart...
-I also was nearly 14 years younger than she. At first, it had been -or seemed- so cool and romantic, but I had slowly begun to see the vast difference in our lives and lifestyles.
She was a parent, worked for a college, paid all of her own bills, had a nice convertible, all while I was still yet only a college drop-out with nothing to my name but a part-time job at the local Boy's and Girl's Club, and a rented room from a high school friend.
I was super outclassed, and she was quickly growing tired and bemused of her newest source of sex, intimacy, and nearly unlimited simp platitudes.
I could tell that the end was drawing near by this point.
What a ride it had been.
What more of a ride it would become.
Another story for another time.
I remember her trying to convince me that I only loved her so much in comparison to others that I had once loved and that this was not fair.
She also so liked to blame how I felt about her on "perception."
Like, what? lol
That was weird, and not true in the least. And even young me could see that it was just bull shit.
She was looking for an out, and I was begging to be let in.
Never realizing -in my ignorance, inexperience, and longing- that I had probably not been more than just a summer fling in her eyes, lbvs.
She may have really cared for me in a way, but she didn't love me like she played it out to seem.
That falseness is what bothered me most.
I was just too young and untested to know how to recognize that feeling and mental state.
There are many more layers here folks, I assure you.
just you wait.
I will see you all back here soon enough, yeah?
Have a safe and well-earned weekend!
Safe travels!
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.