37
January 2021:
I came back home.
I was depressed and didn't talk much with my parents. A part of me knew that they were worried about me but they still decided to give me space. They were very understanding.
I on the other hand just holed up in my room. The absence of Irena hit me hard. I didn't know what to do next. As I laid down on my bed, I heard a knock on the door.
'It should be mom,' I thought.
'Mom I am sleeping, don't disturb me,' I said.
And there was a response. A response in a voice that I never heard before.
I opened the door and there he was standing right in front of me. My younger brother in this new timeline.
I looked at him in surprise and he stared back.
'What happened big brother? Did you hit your head?' he asked.
'Big brother? I have a sibling? I couldn't believe it.'
But my brain knew him. Rather knew him quite well. I had abundant memories of him which I felt were very new but at the same time, my mind had known him for a long time.
'Alex! What the hell are you doing here?' my voice automatically asked him with me still in disbelief.
'What type of question is this? It's also my home so I am here. Did you not get proper sleep? You seem to be daydreaming now?'
'Leave that. So tell me what do you want?' I asked him.
'What happened to you after you came back from college? You went to RIT just a month ago after the winter break and you are back again. Is everything okay? Mom and dad are worried big brother,' he asked in a worried tone.
'It's alright. I am fine. I just needed some time off from college and that's all. Aren't your exams near? Go and study,' I told him.
'Okay. If you say so then I'll believe it.'
And he left.
This was my younger brother Alexander. He is four years younger than me and had started his 11th. The next 2 years were very crucial for him as he was also aiming to get into RIT.
I felt shocked and happy at the same time. I now had a younger brother who was not there in my previous timeline.
I immediately went through the old picture albums from my childhood. I remembered that they were mostly made after I was 5 years old but now that had changed completely.
I saw pictures from my birth and they proved that we have been living in Arcvale forever. There were plenty of pictures of Alex as well as I again relived his childhood.
Zest had vanished from the face of the earth. There was no trace of it anywhere. History had changed. Everything had changed.
I then saw pictures of Irena on her social media account and it was quite visible that she lived a happy life in Rille with both of her parents.
Her mother who was dead previously was alive now and she had quite a lot of pictures with her. Her mother's case seemed similar to the case of the appearance of my younger brother. I felt happy for her. Her mother's presence was something that she really wished for in her previous life. I was glad that she was able to experience this happiness now.
But in this time, I didn't exist for her. All the memories that we made together were now only my memories.
This pain was unbearable. But I had no choice. I had to accept it and move on.
But still, I sent her a friend request in hopes that maybe I might be able to meet this time's Irena.
I decided to be strong. I did not know what was going to happen next. After experiencing the time reversal, again and again, I had now become scared of the future.
I became fearful of sleeping as I felt that after a good sleep, the world may again turn into something else.
So my sleep cycle decreased with each passing day. This made me tired. My health worsened and the break I took for a week slowly turned to a month.
My friends also became worried.
Depression was never thought of as a disease but lately, it had slowly crept into society. Young and bright people were committing suicide due to mental depression.
The boys started visiting my place more often.
They tried to ask me again and again about what exactly the problem was but I didn't tell them anything.
'What could I have told them? That I fell in love with a girl in a dream and now it was all over. I would have become a joke. They would consider me to be a degenerate.'
But our friendship was strong. Even without me saying anything they understood my plight. They could read my eyes which said that even if I did tell them what was on my mind, they still won't be able to do a thing for me.
Charlie then gave me an amulet which was a charm for good health. I accepted it in the hope that my depression may get better.
38
I eventually started getting a good sleep.
I was now not afraid of the world reversing in time when I woke up. It was all due to the dreams that I was having recently.
Whenever I slept I dreamt of Irena.
I could feel that she was still mine and I was reliving my old life. The life I wanted so badly. The sleep that was my nightmare now became my only place of comfort.
I regained my sleeping hours and my health improved. After the month's break, I was back on the campus.
My eyes were always searching for Irena but I knew that she was not here. She also didn't accept my friend request that I had sent a month back. But I was still hopeful that she might accept it and then maybe my time will come back.
But reality had other plans. Plans that I was not a part of. Plans that were about to ruin my entire life.
* * *
February 2021:
A few days had passed when I came back to the campus.
I stalked Irena's social media account on a daily basis and she still didn't accept my request.
I thought that maybe once college is over, I should go to the country where she was. I had the money to support myself. Maybe my efforts might pay off.
But somehow miraculously, whenever I slept I still dreamt of Irena.
Human beings have a plethora of dreams in their lifetime. Dreams which they quickly forget the very next day.
But I was reliving the same dreams day after day and never once forgot them. Since they were dreams of happiness unlike my pathetic reality, I didn't try to question them. Ignorance was bliss.
But this gradually ruined my lifestyle.
On a normal day, I started sleeping a lot. I slept for more than 10 hours a day. And my sleep cycle only showed signs of increasing.
I got so immersed in my dream world that I started to lose touch with reality. Previously, I made plans with my friends. I was the one who suggested to go on trips, movies etc. But now not only I didn't take any lead but I was also not a part of them anymore. I even began playing sick in front of them so that they would not bother me. I started missing meals, started skipping classes and I became firmly enclosed in the arms of sloth. Within a few days, I lost weight, my nails and hair grew, I never shaved. Day by day I was getting thinner and thinner. My bones and joints also started having pains due to just lying on the bed most of the time.
But what could I have done? I hated my reality.
It's been months and Irena still didn't accept my request. The love of my life didn't exist in the real world. But in the dream world, everything was perfect. Exactly the way I wanted it to be.
Until that fated day.
39
It was night time around midnight.
I had woken up an hour back. As usual, after skipping dinner in the hostel mess, I went to the canteen to eat some junk.
I then came back and went through my daily routine of checking Irena's account. She still didn't accept my request but there was something else that caught my attention.
It was the new picture that she had uploaded today. A picture that commenced my doom.
She had posted a pic with another guy from her college and updated her status. It showed in a relationship with Patrick.
My heart sank. My mind became blank. I couldn't believe what was happening. Even though she had not accepted my request, I still felt that eventually she will come back to our country and I will win her over.
But now everything was finished. She had a guy who was not me.
My world came crashing down. I didn't know how to respond.
It's an emotion that I never felt before to this degree. I was full of envy. I felt betrayed. Betrayed by life, betrayed by Irena.
Tears started flowing from my eyes. Even though my body was alive but my heart was dead. My mind was dead.
In rage, I punched the wall a few times. I then sat down on the bed and just kept on crying.
My life had hit a new low tonight.
Firstly, the girl whom I loved the most vanished from my life and now she was somebody else's woman. I had never felt so helpless in life. How could I see her with somebody else? It was a nightmare. A bloody nightmare.
I stalked Patrick for a good time but there was nothing wrong with the guy. He was just a normal guy who studied along with Irena. They belonged to the same department so who knows how long they have been dating. Minute by minute my mind started crumbling.
My reality was now worse. I only had one way to escape this nightmare. My dream world. I immediately tried to get back to sleep but my dream world had also changed like my reality. From a pleasant dream, it had now become a frightful nightmare.
In my dreams, I always saw the times when I and Irena had started dating and dad was still alive.
But now the dreams changed to the timeline when dad was dead and mom was wailing all the time.
The next scene flashed in front of my eyes was when both me and Irena fell from the hilltop. Last time we hugged each other and died together but this time the scene was entirely different. I stood with Irena on the hill and she pushed me into the ravine.
Only I fell from the hilltop. And as I was falling down I could see Patrick coming out of nowhere and Irena and Patrick were hugging. Watching them from a distance I hit my head on the ground and that's when I woke up from this nightmare.
My only place of comfort was now gone.
My reality was harsh and my dreams were harsher. My life truly became miserable. Now there was no means of escape.
* * *
March 2021:
Days passed by. My condition became worse.
Irena posted photos with Patrick regularly and I saw them all. My jealousy kept growing day by day.
I now avoided sleep almost all the time and I slept unwillingly for not more than 2-3 hours a day. But in that time as well I experienced the same nightmare again and again.
Now I had become fearful of sleeping but waking up in this cruel reality was also not helping me at all. I had lost all means of escape and I felt that I was drowning. My life was slowly perishing.
Eventually, I took solace in the worst possible medium. Alcohol.
I started drinking a lot. My friends tried to stop me all the time but that was of no use. I began drinking more and started smoking a lot. Also got in a big fight with Charlie and the others when they tried to stop and prevent me from usage of these drugs.
My life was hitting a new low every other day and I was drowning. I had now become a shadow of the person I was just a year ago. I became a full-time shut-in. Drank and smoked all the time. I even hit my friends when they tried to get rid of my cigarettes. That ended my friendship with them. Most of the time I was not in my right senses. Alcohol prevented me from facing my reality.
And finally, now I was all alone. An alcoholic and a smoking addict. I didn't sleep more than an hour a day and in that, too the same nightmare kept following me. My life was in tatters.
40
April 2021:
As usual, I stalked Irena's account.
But tonight she had posted something even more outrageous than her normal pics with Patrick.
The two of them got engaged.
She had posted many pics of a family function where one could see relatives clicking pics with the two of them.
I lost all hope.
If there was any chance that the two of them might break up and I might get Irena back, it was totally lost. She was going to marry this guy. My mind broke.
I thought of every reason possible that I could think of as to why they are getting engaged at just 21 or 22. Nobody does that. They are still so young. They are practically kids. People stay in relationships for quite some time before getting married.
The only reason my small brain could think of was that Irena might have become pregnant.
It is correctly said that an empty mind is the devil's workshop. My imagination was running wild with envy.
I cursed Irena.
When we were in a relationship, she never once agreed to kiss. I thought that she was just too pure and decided to wait for her. I respected her wishes. But now here she got herself pregnant by this retard.
I punched my room wall endless times. My knuckles started bleeding from the bruises but I didn't care at all. My blood was now imprinted on the wall and the plaster started to come out.
I then saw a bottle of Vodka near me and left for the lakeside, my only place of comfort in this miserable life.
***
The lakeside was a very popular spot on our campus. People from all the departments came here to soak themselves in the positivity and beauty of nature.
It had become my special place.
The only place where I could comfortably get drowned in my misery accompanied by my favorite bottles of alcohol.
Tonight was no different.
I was sad. Sadder than usual.
The girl I loved was now becoming someone else's bride. They might have kissed. They even might have done a lot more. My jealousy knew no bounds. I was sobbing.
All of my friends were gone.
My ladylove was gone and gone forever.
I have become a drunkard. I was also a smoking addict. I have developed insomnia.
My life was miserable in all possible ways.
I looked at the lake in front of me.
It was quite deep.
Suddenly an unthinkable thought struck my drunk mind.
A thought that had come to me quite often lately whenever I sat here but I seemed to have dismissed it all the time.
But now I couldn't ignore it. There was nothing left in the mortal world that could bind me.
I decided to end this miserable life.
I didn't think much. I went with my gut feeling.
Ending this life seemed the only possible way where I could finally put an end to all of my nightmares. Leave behind all of my miseries.
I stood near the lake. Looked up and closed my eyes.
I remembered all the loved ones I had. I felt sorry for mom and dad that they were going to find that their son was dead. I felt a bit relieved that Alex was now here and someone would be there around to support them.
I wished I had spent more time with him. I was so happy when I finally met him but all the time spent with him was just there in my brain. It did not feel that it was me who was there with him.
I recalled my friends and wished to mend things with them and I wanted to ask for their forgiveness.
And lastly, the happy face of Irena from my last life came in front of me. A part of me wished that I never met her but another part inside of me wished for her to come back into my life.
It was all pointless now. She had already gone too far. There was nothing that I could ever do to bring her back. I had decided to leave this world and I was about to do so.
I then jumped off.
I didn't struggle and just drowned.
Within minutes, water completely entered my body
My lungs were choked.
I started gasping for breath but it was all in vain.
A deep darkness covered my eyes and I finally gave up struggling.
I had died once again.