Hiraeth
"Excuse me, Is it Javi's office, the CEO of The Gideon?"
The security guards, two middle-aged men looked at me as if they had seen a ghost, I was wearing a thick and large shawl, and under it was a white embroidered gown, my hair tied loosely behind and some long strands were so loose to tuck it so I left it like this
I stepped on for 9 months, and the kicks have increased, my sleep has lessened, and the weight makes my whole body ache. I feel so nauseous every day, and I feel so exhausted every moment, being a mother is just the strength of breaking bones. It shackled my whole body, the baby grew well inside, and there were no complications by the grace of the Almighty.
I have left Tristan, we filed for divorce last month. We both couldn't handle the pain of the broken marriage, we gave each other time as we stayed under the same roof, talked, and talked until our throats dried. I finally got the courage to leave Tristan's house. We understood each other, the complications and the misunderstandings, and apologies. We both did wrong staying in marriage. We both failed the marriage and we couldn't let the broken marriage part harm our child's mentality. Tristan said, the custody will be with me for the first 2 years and then with him, and after she is 7 years old, she will decide with whom she can stay, she can stay with whomever she wants and the other parent will try to make time whenever she needs. Parent-teacher meetings, pre-school tournaments, playground walks, and amusement park visits. We need to take part in every important event of her life and make the best of it. I trust Tristan.
I didn't fall out of love, I love the father of my child. I love the guardian he will be for our daughter.
I fell in love with Javi as a lover. I want to fulfill my life with happiness and joy. I need Javi for myself. I need him for me to live a little more, I want to live individually and happily with all the freedom. And only Javi can give me that.
Tristan is the father of my child, not my lover. And I love him so much. I will always
But Javi is mine to keep, this feeling is mine to feel, we share a bond of lovers and I want to do that. I want to feel loved and taken care of. I want to make him feel loved as well. We both need a lover at this point
I chose Javi because of my self-improvement. He makes me breathe a little easier and makes me smile more than expected, makes me blush all the time, and takes care of me as if I were his queen. I don't know how he will react when he sees me. He might reject me now, but I want to try it. I need to be selfish. Javi made me learn to live for myself.
They were still looking at me, even some of the office employees too stood frozen on the doorstep while entering, looking at me as if they saw something unexpected.
"Um can I get an appointment to talk to Mr. Javi"
They nodded in the rhythm. I got so confused. I frowned.
They said,
"Hiraeth Ma'am, of course, sure come inside"
I widened my eyes thinking how they knew me. This is Milan, so far away from Seoul. My heart started racing in anticipation, maybe excitement, maybe nervousness, maybe happiness, or the taste of freedom, the taste of being a rebel in society. I went against everyone and came for Javi, just him. For me, for myself only
I nodded automatically as they escorted me, I saw the number of people gathering around me, behind me, and beside me. They were looking at me with shock wide eyes. Why are they surprised, do they know me?
I felt my cheeks getting warm and a blush creeping against them. I nodded as they started taking me to the receptionist. The lady looked at me as she got up stumbling, bowing me up and down. I hurriedly said
"It's alright. Nice to meet you, can I meet Javi today, I can sit if he is in a meeting"
She shook her head, as if getting her tongue checked before saying something wrong as if she said something would get her consequences, why are they scared of me
"uhm do you know me?"
"yes yes Ms. Hiraeth..oh oh ma'am"
I nodded in hesitancy, still frowning
"uhm, ma'am? How do you know me? I have never been here"
The receptionist with pretty blue eyes looked at me still in surprise said
"We all know you ma'am"
Her blue satin short dress swayed as she walked towards me, I am not pretty like her. These girls are pretty here. I felt a little insecure. I am fat with a child, looking as pale as ever, exhaustion smeared in my face.
"Hiraeth"
I heard another lady's voice, her voice thin and delicate, her voice was so beautiful. I turned and saw a lady with short black hair, eyes jet black, and doe, just like Javi's. She was beautiful, and attractive in the short red sequin dress, it was so tight, that I barely imagine her breathing.
"that's me"
I said as she smiled gently and shook my hand saying
"I am Lucy"
I widened my eyes as I nodded, smiling ear to ear. I was happy to see her, she helped Javi a lot. And Javi somehow made sure they weren't anything other than employees and bosses. I feel a blush spreading through my cheeks as I remember how Javi said he was not with anyone at that moment.
I feel so special and my enthusiasm is on the seventh sky.
"Uhm how do you guys know me?"
I said looking at these two pretty girls and a load of employees following my vision
Looking at me with wide surprised eyes
Lucy held my shoulder and turned me vertically as I held my breath and it stopped for a while, my heartbeats stopped.
A wall with a huge portrait of mine, the vast canvas smeared with acrylic oil paint, it seemed as if finger painted, fingers signed and made each detail flourish, my toothy smile was showing as my hair was red, and the colors were so much mingled with each other as breaths while kissing, my hair was swirling as if a breeze just passed by, my eyes were finger painted instead of brushes, it was dark brown, the picture had a white dress embroidered and lacy worn to me, a platinum ring on my ring finger glowing with the silvery shine. It was hand-painted, a portrait, and might have taken 100 nights to finish. it was the picture plastered on the whole wall, the expanse was so big. My mouth opened and widened as a dollop of tears fell. I wiped it. It's a painter named Kwang from Korea, who painted me. His signature was on the very right bottom corner.
My heart was wild and it was in love, the love was so much that I couldn't express it. They say one love is writable and one love isn't. My love can't be written and I won't try either. I love the secret hidden passion I have for this man, the desirable love, the softness, and the peace I feel by loving him.
"I want to see him, Lucy"
She was still holding my shoulder; she nodded smiling as she took me to the elevator
"Boss is a little bit irritated from the early morning, we don't know why he has been yelling at everyone trying to get inside his office, he hasn't had anything since the morning. It's almost evening and he hasn't answered any phone calls, the work I was supposed to do, he is doing that, the paperwork, he doesn't do paperwork himself. He hadn't attended our client's call as well. We are much tensed ma'am"
She said as we reached Javi's floor. I told her to leave us alone and not come upstairs unless it was an emergency.
I nodded as she left smiling at me.
I knocked on the door and he replied with an icy cold tone.
"WHO IS IT?"
I shivered. God how am I gonna handle the CEO of The Gideon and not my princess?
I took a deep breath and pushed open the door without answering his question. He didn't look at the door, he was sitting in his rocking chair as he was engrossed in his maybe million files of papers. His forehead was sweaty, tattoos showing as his white shirt was tucked in, after so many months, Javi's hair grew back again, as he has medium-long hair, the hairs aren't jelled today, and his muscles are popping and moving as if building tension in his body greatly. I feel greatly tense somehow
"I TOLD YOU LUCY TO NOT FUCKING ENTER IN MY OFFICE UNLESS I CALL YOU"
He screamed as I flinched, gasping my way from my mouth.
He looked at me startled. His eyes were dark, emotionless. I looked at him as our eyes met directly to the point. We paused and drenched each other. and again started breathing and then again we paused as he got up sucking his breath
"Hiraeth, wh- how- what are you doing here? Are you alright? Do you need me for anything? you should have called me, I would have taken the next flight, why come alone in this state"
He said his huge palm was guiding against my body, my waist, and my stomach checking if I was hurt or not. His touches made me feel wanting for more. I never felt this way for anyone. I have loved two people in my life and two are completely different.
"I came to you Javi, I left everything. I left everything behind"
I said as he looked at me with an unreadable expression
"you are a dream right, just go..just vanish..just go.."
I cupped his cheeks getting closer to him, attaching my forehead to him. We were silent. For a moment, we made each other take our breaths, as we started to live.
"I am very much real, the whole Hiraeth, broken and scarred, and currently very much ugly. I have left everything behind, every other bond, I have come for you, for me. make me live a little, Javi."
His eyes widened as he noticed my freckles, my moles, and my imperfections. his big giant palm cupped my face with one hand
"you are beautiful Love"
I embraced him bursting into tears, splattering myself in him, falling apart in his arms. his big muscular tattooed arms wrapped against my waist and hugged me tight as ever.
"You always find me beautiful huh"
He pulled out looking at my lips and my eyes asking so many things
"you are always beautiful"
I giggled in between my tears
"Hiraeth, are you sure? I can-"
I stopped him by my finger on his lips
"You can't. and I won't let you. Let me stay with you. All my life I have lived for others. Let me live for myself for once. I left every rule and regulation behind, I left a marriage and a husband just because I needed to live per my wish, per my dreams, per my wishes. My dream is to be with you. I haven't told you ever Javi, you make me live a lot more than a little, you make me feel good about myself. I am in love with you, I am damn in love with you, all of you, all fucking you. you had asked me why my love isn't like yours. It is now. I love you with everything in between, every scar and every wound of ours, with every pain of ours, with every cut of ours. With every worry of mine and with every I love you of yours. I am in love with you, and I am so destroyed being in love with you, you made me feel like an individual and my own, my very own, and by being with you, I am my own. Tristan doesn't love me better, I just didn't let him see things that you saw and told me still I was beautiful. I will always love Tristan because we share our kid, but I will always love you because we share each other's living system, we make us both live. You wanted to hear it right? HIRAETH IS IN LOVE WITH Javi TILL DEATH DO US APART"
He smashed his lips as he smiled against my lips, I drank his smile. He kissed me sternly and precisely, discovering and exploring. He kissed me as his mind wanted and heart desired. I kissed him back, no sun was rising, no sun was setting. It was the color of the sky and it was the sky itself. Blue-hued, just like my love
I pulled out as he captured my lips again as if he couldn't get enough of it.
"I have always been in love with you Javi, this time as a lover. you are my whole sky Javi, my vast pretty hearted doe-eyed innocent man, my lover, I love you Javi, I will say it until you believe it, I will wait for you if you want to take a break from all these things, I will wait till the end. I will return to my sky only. you had asked if I didn't feel anything. I did. I felt so many things. I learned to enjoy loneliness knowing you were there behind me watching me, I learned to say no to things, I learned to be happy with myself, and I learned to live because of you. I am in love with you. I am so much in love with you"
I said smiling as he smashed his lips with mine, his words weren't there today. his silence said everything to me. he accepted me, he will always
I kissed him back as he pushed me against a door, I gasped for air but he wasn't leaving me. he smiled against me, his heart was so wildly beating, I think he was scared
"Javi, I won't leave you love. look at me"
He broke the kiss and looked at me with fear in his eyes
What did I do my man
"I will never leave, I promise…my sky is you. I love you"
"I love you many many more"
I chuckled as he hugged me hiding his innocent eyes, all the time his eyes were blank, but just now when he said I love you, his eyes became normal and softer. I make him live just the way he makes me. I love him
"You will not leave me right?"
"I will never"
I wiped his silent tears which screamed loudly
"Will you hold me?"
He giggled against my cheeks, kissing my cheeks multiple times as I giggled, I might be a red tomato by now.
"I will hold you forever, even if you say no I will still keep holding you"
I nodded trying my best to not cry, but this is Javi. I don't have to pretend to be sober. I can be drunk in his love
"I sky you"
He kissed my lips, this time softly, his breaths were warm, skin was warm, like a cocoon, amalgamating with mine as I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around him.
" I sky you"
He said and I could feel his red-tinted warm cheeks creating freckles the mole wasn't daunting anymore, it slept.