On his bed, on a summer night where he was the happiest he ever was, he began writing and writing countless pages, on a fictional character named Alexandre. This character was not so fictional, in truth, it represented his mind the most perfectly. Before beginning his writings, he wrote the first sentence, the most important one of them all :
Who could have believed that after all this tragedy, what was waiting for me was an endless happiness, life hurt me times and times again, but for a kind heart only bliss awaits his soul.
"This snowflake."
"It symbolizes you, our memories."
"I love you, from the first time i saw you."
"Until this very day."
"And until our death."
"And even beyond that."
"Because i can't forget..."
"I can't forget these days."
"And the day you saved me."
"The only one who cared about me."
"Who truly understood me."
"..."
"How could I forget."
"This day of Winter."
"In january,"
"When you looked at me for the first time."
"I never want to forget these days."
"I love you."
"..."
"When we played in the snow, just the both of us."
"When you saved me from bullying."
"You showed me what it felt like to truly be alive."
"I want to be by your side forever."
"I want to play with you in the snow forever."
"I want to see you smile forever."
"I want you to be the happiest you can ever be."
"Even if it means crushing me, even if it means that i'll be unhappy."
"Because I would choose you over me."
"Because I am alive because of you."
"You truly are my savior."
"I know you don't like when I talk bad about myself."
"I was only thinking about depressing stuff before knowing You, I was in a never ending nightmare."
"That's truly how depressive it was."
"But you showed me that..."
"You showed me that someone could care about me."
"That humanity was not just bad."
"You proved me wrong."
"In your kind actions, i lost myself, i didn't understand how it was possible."
"For someone to be as kind as you."
"I thought 'What an angel' everytime I saw you."
"That's also why i believe in angels."
"Because I saw one on Earth and truly, there's no need to go to Heaven."
"There's already one angel near me, that's the only thing that matters."
"..."
"That's why I dedicate this story,"
"My story,"
"To You, Irene."
"I sigh."
"If only it wasn't a dream."
"Maybe this life is a dream and my dream was the real deal."
"Anyway, it doesn't fucking make a difference."
"When you suffer, it doesn't matter if it's in a dream or not."
"I often laugh at myself, for how dumb I was, the decisions i made."
"Half of them were decisions I actually didn't make on my own."
"Always following someone's advice, someone that thought knew what was best for me."
"They actually didn't know shit."
"I wouldn't wake up laying down here in the afternoon in my bathroom, when I passed out because of some illicit stuff."
"Imagine being 23 and still thinking about your first girlfriend from ages ago."
"Actually, i keep thinking about her."
"And i know exactly why,"
"Being with her was the only decision i made on my own."
"I need to wash away all my filth, but actually it would never go away, as much as i tried to wipe my body,"
"The filth was inside me, in my heart, the source of sin was here."
"I left her, why did I leave her to be here."
"The big city, the opportunities, the women and glory."
"I had luck, my dad knew someone from a big company, i was going to work there."
"Irene couldn't go with me. She stayed in my hometown, or maybe she moved abroad."
"I began to work in that company, trying my best to please everyone."
"If 2 words could describe my life it would be 'People Pleaser'"
"A smile, always smiling, truly, what is a smile?"
"Lately I don't really like digging in philosophic subjects like this, an idea of mine is that Philosophy is utterly useless, as all thoughts."
"Anyway, I had my chances, but how do I fucking work when I know I'll never see Irene again."
"I couldn't work."
"I couldn't sleep."
"I couldn't do anything, I knew I rejected the only person who accepted me. The only person I loved, the only person like me."
"As intelligent as me, having the same brown eyes as me and curious gaze, the same aura."
"She was truly an angel, too blinding for me."
"A girl telling to a guy to share a meal together could have dramatic consequences."
"I'm the type of guy that cried when the one I loved said this to me."
"How can she be so kind?"
"She was so stupid, being kind with everyone, it's so stupid in our society, people will definitely take advantage of this and put you on the ground until
they sucked every happiness they could from seeing you hurt. That's how the majority of people are."
"But that's precisely why I loved her. She was naturally kind, it didn't make any sense."
"Why... Why being kind?"
"And falling in love with me?"
"She was an angel, and I rejected her, and for what ? Being here in the big city."
"Truly disgusting."
"'Living itself is a source of sin' Osamu Dazai must have thought about the same things... The same ugliness."
"But that's all in the past, Irene is the ideal girl."
"What a dumb idea it was."
"I said to her we wouldn't be able to see each other as often, that we would be unhappy."
"I said to her to 'be happy' without me."
"Happiness, I am now convinced, comes from the lack of intelligence."
"I can blame it all on my intelligence, i felt kind of relieved."
"How can you be happy without a lover at your side,"
"How could you be happy without money,"
"How could you be happy without friends,"
"How could you be happy without everything you always wanted all at once?"
"To be happy is to reduce your desires but still having ambition, you have to contradict yourself."
"You need to lie to yourself, you need to tell yourself 'I don't need this girl, I can live without her.'"
"And you'll find yourself thinking about her while getting intimate with your new girlfriend."
"Such is the male's way, a truly tragic one."
"I read somewhere that a male is composed of 50 percents of kindness and 50 percents of lust."
"I never read something so true."
"From my obsession with Irene, people told me it'll pass,"
"No, it'll never pass, things such as passing feelings don't exist with Irene."
"You don't forget the one who saved you, instead you dedicate your life to this Angel."
"Why didn't I realize it sooner..."
"I am only alive because of my memories with Irene, she's the single soul keeping me to this world."
"Give her back, God."
"Irene... I could have been everything you wanted..."
"We could have been so much more..."
"If only I wasn't myself"
"If only I erased myself"
"Did she..."
"Did"
"Did she exist?"
"No, she existed"
"She exists."
"Let's forget about that."
"I go out of the shower, wipe my body."
"Such a weak body, but it's mine for life."
"Would I have it any other way? Who knows."
"I grab my new clothes and enter my bedroom."
"My only room truly."
"I don't let much light go into my room,"
"A modern vampire."
"I laugh at how edgy it sounds."
"It's where i stay most of the time."
"My universe is this room."
"All opportunities reside in this very room."
"No plotwists."
"A Wonderful Everyday, without any problems."
"No happy or unhappy things could happen in this room."
"Just an empty state, forever."
"Truly a Wonderful Everyday."
"And i don't want to spice things up, I'm good here."
"At least it's what I tell myself."
"I'm gaslighting myself, how bold."
"First thing I do usually after waking up is going on my computer."
"This is my computer, my fortress."
"I do everything here, my whole life is here."
"My dad financed everything in my room, you could actually call me a rich boy."
"I felt so bad whenever he gave me money."
"Money for what? Money to spend on stupid stuff."
"Stupid games that elevated my conciousness, but for what purpose exactly?"
"I love fiction, It's what keeps me alive, but I never thought about inspiring me from it."
"Why wouldn't I become like my favorite fictional character?"
"Or, for that, why wouldn't I become the object of my desire?"
"Why wouldn't I become what I seek?"
"Is what I seek not just myself?"
"Do I love myself?"
"..."
"Anime girls pops up on my screen. I lie, it's just me that went on my favorite site to see anime girls."
"Not just to see them... I long for them."
"I love women."
"They're so beautiful."
"Looking at them is all I do,"
"Who wouldn't want to look at someone beautiful?"
"Why would I resist."
"That's why I love it."
"I felt great touching myself on various fake characters."
"It proves I'm awful."
"It proves mankind is awful."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Amazing..."
"What am I doing..."
"It seems my lifestyle contradicts my love for Irene."
"See the irony?"
"Why am I this weak, why do my body react to these girls?"
"Is it a sin to lust for other women?"
"Who do I like best?"
"Anime girls or my first love?"
"Why was I getting horny on anime characters, was I really in love?"
"I felt tears going down my face, I tasted them."
"My member was still erected as I cried."
"50 percents lust, 50 percents kindness."
"..."
"I know myself, so I know the weaknesses of my kind :"
"I know that whatever a guy do for a girl, he has a really evil part in himself."
"That is really human, no one can do anything about it."
"Ultimately driving me to mediocrity, to lies."
"To tell someone you love only her, that you don't enjoy anyone's body anymore. It's the most sad joke."
"You can't lust for only one person but your heart can be exclusive."
"As long as your mind, your heart is only mine, I can keep going."
"The mortal shell doesn't matter."
"It never mattered, because it's your words that saved me, not your flesh."
"Angel."
"I'm pitiful."
"A lustful child."
"You are eternal, you were too perfect."
"Irene."
"I tried to ran to my shower, I didn't even know why."
"It's not like I'll find help there."
"Suddenly, I heard someone's laugh."
"It looks like he just appeared all of a sudden."
"I knew exactly who it was."
"He was..."
"He was me."
"He started talking to me."
"Hyacinthe" "That's not the life you wanted, this is the life people chose for you."
"Hyacinthe" "Your life was to kill yourself in Irene's arms."
"Hyacinthe" "To write a book named 'Hyacinthe - Ce monde est cruel'"
"Hyacinthe" "A book that wouldn't make any sense but to you."
"Hyacinthe" "You finally understood that beauty isn't one bit appearance."
"Hyacinthe" "You are weird and you were since your first breath."
"Hyacinthe" "How people laugh when you talk, you know why they do that?"
"Hyacinthe" "Because you are peculiar, the movement in your eyes indicate true disorder."
"Hyacinthe" "People fear you for your beautiful ugliness and weird behavior."
"Hyacinthe" "I am you and you are me, so I know what I talk about."
"Hyacinthe" "Leave this stupid masquerade and go die in a pit."
"He's right, I am right... Irene, I wanted to die in your arms that day."
"It's better than to live without her."
"She's the one who made me live and who's absence made me die."
"The one who gave me a hole who nobody could fill,"
"Not even any pleasure you could imagine."
"Alexandre" "You really find me pitiful, huh?"
"Alexandre" "Look at you for once,"
"Alexandre" "You died without protecting Irene."
"Alexandre" "I barely have memories of you, you who were already a young adult when me and Irene were young."
"Alexandre" "Where were you?"
"Alexandre" "Why did you abandon us?"
"Alexandre" "I had fun, truly had fun playing with you,"
"Alexandre" "I saw you as my own brother, you who shared her blood."
"Alexandre" "How could this be such a waste."
"Alexandre" "I'll never forgive you for dying, for letting us alone."
"Hyacinthe" "Ahaha."
"Hyacinthe" "And do you think you're better? You abandoned her just like me."
"Hyacinthe" "But it's worse for you, you're still alive, you still have a chance to protect her."
"Alexandre" "If i knew you actually didn't care about Irene,"
"Alexandre" "I wouldn't..."
"Alexandre" "I wouldn't be so mad..."
"Alexandre" "You..."
"Alexandre" "..."
"Alexandre" "It's not your fault."
"Hyacinthe stopped grinning."
"Hyacinthe" "Hmm, it's not like you."
"Hyacinthe" "When you talk about Irene you seem more calm, more composed."
"Alexandre" "You cared so much about her when you lived,"
"Alexandre" "It was so nice seeing her happy with you."
"Hyacinthe's expression seemed more and more saddened."
"Hyacinthe" "You know it already but, I saw you as a little brother."
"Hyacinthe" "The way you always wanted Irene to smile, it made me genuinely happy."
"Hyacinthe" "I wish we spent all these days forever together."
"Hyacinthe" "My sadness makes me want to hurt anyone I see now."
"Hyacinthe" "You, you turned exactly just like me..."
"Alexandre" "..."
"Hyacinthe" "Blinded by love."
"Hyacinthe" "I understand you."
"Hyacinthe" "But don't go in that path, as much as I love Irene."
"Hyacinthe" "You have to move on, Irene will be fine."
"Alexandre" "How could you say that..."
"Hyacinthe" "I say that because I know it's the wrong path for you."
"Something in Alexandre changed at this sentence."
"He will choose something for me. Had enough."
"If he understood me, he would understand my obsession for Irene."
"He would tell me to find Irene."
"Even her own brother is against me."
"I hate him."
"Alexandre" "You call yourself her brother. Pitiful."
"Alexandre" "I'm more qualified than you as a brother for her."
"Hyacinthe" "..."
"Alexandre" "Like you said, I am you, and you are me."
"Hyacinthe looked more and more like Alexandre, he was truly shocked."
"Alexandre" "So."
"Alexandre's vision of Hyacinthe seemed to vanish."
"Alexandre" "I am you, I am Hyacinthe. Disappear."
"Just before completely vanishing, Hyacinthe said something to Alexandre."
"Hyacinthe" "I wanted you to live a good life. Go on this path and you'll never find happiness. I warned you not as an enemy but as your last friend."
"Alexandre was never a decisive person, he never knew if his decisions were actually right. He find himself wanting Hyacinthe to reappear."
"Alexandre" "I am Hyacinthe, I always was, I'll become anything Irene needs."
"..."
"That's just how it had to be."
"At some point i was going to accept that, ruining myself for others."
"Anyway, more importantly I need to eat with my sister."
"At the park."
"It has been months I didn't do that with her."
"It'll be fun."
"I need to do a decision."
"Will I stay here in this apartment or chase my last girlfriend."
"Either is weird, pitiful."
"Here I am."
"The park is not really far from my apartment."
"I love my sister, I always protected her too."
"Her and Irene always got along, I loved seeing them together and have fun."
"But since I'm no longer with Irene, I didn't get along with my sister anymore."
"We were so close all this time and now I can't get along with anyone."
"I know it's my fault."
"I always want to say how I feel to her but... the words can't go out of my mouth."
"I feel ashamed of myself."
"The truth is that I just want to see her smile."
"But my love for Irene restrains me from being happy. Sadly I can't bring myself to leave Irene."
"It's a weird feeling, not wanting to betray without any engagements."
"Love felt real with her, only her."
"When I see couples I don't think they understood what love is, the more I advance the less I see truly passionate people."
"You don't need to be a genius to understand why people crave for AI girlfriends nowadays."
"When humans can't even bond, it's the logic solution."
"Do you prefer something fake that'll never betray or something real that'll betray you?"
"Craving for connection and recognition, that's all humans need but can't attain for various reasons."
"Hell is others; Heaven is others."
"Humans are the most horrible creatures but also the most beautiful."
"Beautifulness resides in complicated things."
"But ultimately the most beautiful thing is kindness. Kindness to all people."
"It's so decadent, kindness is decadent, unnecessary, dumb, truly the dumbest thing you can achieve."
"But in it resides every seed of the divine essence, give everything to your neighbor whatever his intentions are."
"That's what you learn in the Bible, to accept your enemy, to never retaliate."
"To save your enemies, that's the seed of heaven, the lines i'm writing is only to say this :"
"Love your enemies, no matter what, never begin a fight, that's the most beautiful thing in life."
"All truly strong person, at some point, crave for peace, for a long life full of beautiful people."
"We humans crave for heaven, more than anything."
"I craved for my heaven, my heaven who is Irene."
"I wish my heaven was more people."
"I wish we could all happily accept each other. But not all people are like me, not everyone wants to be happy."
"The only person I found who had the same ideal goals as me was Irene."
"To raise beautiful children with her, to laugh, to live simply, a peaceful life."
"An uneventful life, that's a Wonderful Everyday."
"God, whatever I say in this story, I love you,"
"Thanks for all people."
"I am thankful for being alive, for breathing, for being at Irene's side, for not having it rough despite everything."
"Even if life is a solipsism, even if I created everything around me,"
"Thank you for the delusion, thank you for everything."
"Thank you for the depression, it's beautiful."
"I gazed at the cherry trees."
"With the wind, the branches moved poetically."
"This poesy resulted in some leaves detaching from the branches."
"Ever so slowly, these beautiful pink leaves danced in the air."
"Ever so slowly, they fell on the ground."
"These leaves slowly dying, I found myself thinking that it was beautiful."
"Their death is a magnificent spectacle for us."
"Humans sometimes fall in the sky too."
"Out of despair, they detach from their roots, falling to the unknown."
"Preferring the rapid sensation of falling than keep on living a world of suffering."
"As for the leaves or the Humans, I wish none of them would detach."
"That I could save them all."
"Stuck in an evanescent moment."
"At heart I'm a pathetic idealist, who deep down loves and hates everyone."
"How to convey all feelings ?"
"Why would I, in the first place."
"The conclusion is that we're all pitiful thinking big of ourselves."
"Anyway, I thought too much, my sister texted me that she's almost here."
"I felt like my mood changed quite a lot in these few minutes."
"I see my sister's silhouette."
"She deserves better than a silent older brother."