Chapter 29 - Chapter 29: Vulnerable

TW: Language, drinking, self-harm, mentions of Dea*hDracos POV The end of the first week of the O.W.L.s came to a close, Draco hadn't been sleeping well all week. His mind kept going back to the muggle born girl he'd been forced to kill at Voldemorts hand. It was eating him up inside, and the thought that it could one day be Demian if he refused was always in the back of his head. He thought it would be easier, writing him off. He knew he cared for him, sure, but was it enough to dedicate his life to doing whatever it takes for the dark lord? He didn't know. And that scared him. He didn't want to be forced to kill again, but he missed Demian more than he wanted to admit. He felt he was a liability, one that was held over him and could be the ticket to forcing him to do anything he wanted.But it hurt. He caught himself looking up at him frequently, he was careful he never saw him for fear he would show back up again like the other night. The guilt of knowing he had slept outside his dorm that night was killing him. But what Demian didn't know is Draco had done the same, leaning on just the other side. Draco paced in his dorm, it was just past midnight on Saturday, and he'd been drinking alone. I can't do this anymore. He thought to himself. Suddenly a knock at his door startled him, If it's him, just tell him the truth.He cracked the door open and Pansy stood there. He sighed audibly and went to close the door. "He's fucking someone else." She said, He stopped in his tracks. "What are you on about now?" "You heard me, Draco. Demian is fucking someone else." "You're lying" He, laughed softly a bit and went to close the door again. "It's professor Valor." Draco froze, his stomach sank and a feeling of sickness twisted in his guts. He opened his door and she walked in. "That's a pretty serious allegation you're throwing around Pansy." He finally said, "Well I've been watching Professor Valor for weeks, I wanted him for myself. But your little boyfriend got to him first." "How do you even know any of this?" "I told you I've been watching him, I've seen Demian leaving the library with him, I've seen Demian going to the classroom late at night", she paused, "I've seen Demian leaving the Professors private quarters, late." Draco avoided her gaze, he clenched his fist instinctively and pointed at the door."Just get out." He said. "Are you fucking serious? Fine, I'll fix it myself." She turned to walk away. "Don't you dare do anything to Demian." He threatened. She just scoffed and waved her hand as she exited. Draco stood there for a moment in silence, he had never fully trusted Pansys words, but he didn't know what she gained from lying about it. He tried to justify why Demian might be seeing him, even in his private quarters but he couldn't find the answer. That familiar rage built up inside him and his hand found the raven necklace, ripping it off and throwing it to his dresser. The truth was he felt threatened. Much more so than with Higgs. Professor Valor was certainly more mature than he was, he probably treated Demian kindly and with significant more respect than he did. And he was genuinely worried. For the first time a sadness welled up in him as he realized just how inadequate of a man he was, in comparison. Ignoring Demian, refusing to tell him just what had happened that night, or what could happen in the future. He thought he was protecting him, but he drove him into the arms of someone better. Or at least, that's how he felt. He had to remove this accursed mark if he ever wanted to be with Demian again, one way or another. And he would get him back, no matter the cost. Images of his charms professor haunted him for the rest of the evening as he sat there, contemplating any desperate means of removing the mark. He suddenly stood up, it had been a few hours since pansy left and whatever buzz he had from then had surely diminished. He picked up a bottle of vodka that littered his floor and took several big gulps. He choked it down through the gagging and felt a warm feeling overcome his being. He shook it off and searched his dresser for anything sharp. The only thing he had was a small switchblade, he flipped it open and examined the sharp edge. It gleaned in the light and his hands trembled. He held it up to his forearm pressing the blade into his skin and the initial sting shocked him, he dropped the blade. Blood seeped out from the fresh cut; he winced in pain and grit his teeth. Just do it. He told himself. He picked up the blade again and held it back up to his forearm, his hands were still trembling and he pressed it back up against his skin, he clenched his teeth together and his unsteady resolve made him waver. "Fucccccckkkkk" He yelled out, dropping the knife again. His forearm dripped blood slowly down his skin, he sat on his floor, defeated. Scared. He needed Demian back, he needed to know what to do. He needed to confide in someone. He hung his head in shame, droplets of blood decorating his floor.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*The next day Demian was woken up early, especially for a Sunday, Professor Valor was already getting ready for the day. He sat up, still covering his naked body with the sheets. "It's so early." He said, softly. "It is, go back to sleep." Professor Valor insisted as he got dressed for the day. He walked over to the bed and kneeled, kissing Demian on his forehead. "We can't be seen leaving here together." He said, somewhat sadly. "I'll leave first, you can leave whenever you're ready." Demian nodded but looked up at him. "Do you have to leave so soon?" He pleaded. "Come now...I need this to look like any other day my darling. I'll do as I always do, and you follow." He reached up and gently stroked his cheek with his thumb, Demian blushed. "I understand..." "Good boy." His professor said again and Demian swallowed hard at the words. Christian kissed him quickly and left. Demian tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. He got out of bed slowly and collected his clothes amidst the mess of papers that littered the floor. He glanced at some of them, mostly poems written by Christian. He saw the one he wrote for him, amongst them and picked it up smiling a bit. He folded it a few times and setting it on the desk with every intention of taking it for himself. He got dressed and felt the familiar lump in his pocket. He pulled out the snake necklace and that pang of sadness and guilt overcame him as he remembered the night before. It was everything he wanted, and more....but he couldn't help but miss Draco. Love is a partnership, not ownership. He reminded himself.But he cradled it in his hand, nonetheless. He decided to help clean up a bit, picking up the various books and papers that had been thrown around. He stacked things neatly on Christians desk, remembering just how it was used last night made his heart thump. As he set the last book on the desk he noticed a small leatherbound journal sitting on the ground, open. He picked it up and read the last entry that looked hastily scrawled, "The guilt I harbor for what I feel eats at me, I've always thought of myself to be a trustworthy person, but who would trust me if they knew the truth? Am I truly protecting these....kids?" Kids was underlined. Demian felt a sting as he realized just how badly Professor Valor felt for being with him. He closed the journal quickly and stacked it on top, leaving Christians room. But not before he grabbed the poem, written specifically for him.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*He walked down the spiral staircase slowly, his hands pressed against the familiar stone. He stopped in his tracks when he reached the bottom and saw Draco standing there. His stomach sank and he stammered, "D-Draco. What are you doing here." Dracos arms were folded, Demian could see fresh white bandages wrapped around his forearm peeking out from his robes. "What are you doing here?" He asked him, quietly. "It's true, isn't it." "What's true?" Demian lied, he swallowed hard and tried to avoid his gaze. "You're sleeping with Professor Valor." Demians eyes went wide, he continued to avoid his gaze but remained silent. "Just tell me the truth." Draco pleaded, "Please." "You first." Demian spat, finally locking eyes with him. "Okay." Draco said. "O-okay?" Draco held out his hand, Demian took it and they walked back to his dorm together in silence. When they entered Dracos room was littered with clothing and bottles of various shapes and sizes. He saw his raven necklace sitting on the dresser and a stab of sadness pierced him. "Draco...your arm." Demian said, "What has happened?" "You tell me first." He demanded, his selfish nature getting the best of him again. "It was only once." Demian admitted, "And I was the one who pressured him into it." Demian felt guilty admitting it, but he still wanted to protect his reputation, if he could. Professor Valor had always worried so much, and flashes of his scribbled journal entry wouldn't leave his mind. Draco turned to him and Demian took a step back, instinctively, but he fell to his knees in front of him, vulnerable. "D-Draco?" He said softly, but the air remained silent for a moment. He finally looked up at him, several tears fell down his cheeks and he spoke quietly, "I'm so scared Demian. So scared of losing you, forever. So scared of myself. So scared of this accursed mark", he lifted his sleeve and crimson blood decorate the bandage in a long vertical pattern, "the truth is, I'm scared of loving you. I killed for you, Demian." "W-what does that mean." He said, his stomach twisted in knots. "It is exactly as I said. Voldemort threatened to harm you if I didn't do it. I lost myself, without hesitation I killed someone. And I can't forgive myself. I pushed you away because the thought of losing you, or having to...kill again, tormented me. But all I did was push you into his arms." "Draco...I never stopped loving you, nothing has changed." He leaned down, kneeling in front of him on the ground."Please help me Demian." He pleaded, "Help me get rid of the mark so I can stop living like this. So we can be together, freely, and forever. Leave him, I'm begging you to be mine again." Demian looked at him sadly, he slid into Malfoys grip and leaned into his chest. "We will figure this out, together. I promise. I will help you." He felt tears welling up in his own eyes as he studied Dracos terrified face. He'd never seen him like this, he'd never seen him scared, ever. Let alone witnessed him crying, or even coming close. He buried his face in his chest and finally felt Dracos arms wrap around him. "You will leave him?" He said, that familiar tinge of jealousy in his voice. "I was never with him. The Professor would never let it become that serious..." "Tch..." He scoffed, but his grip only got tighter. "Demian..." He said softly. "Yes?" He looked up and Draco brushed the hair from his face,"I love you." His stomach lurched and he felt his face grow hot again, he kissed him deeply before responding, "I love you too." He pulled the necklace from his pocket and dropped it into Dracos hand, he helped him put it back on. "Please don't leave me in order to protect me." Demian said suddenly, "I can handle whatever happens. You can't always protect me from everything, you know." Draco looked away a bit, sighing. "It's hard not to try. But I will do better...""Thank you..." He swallowed nervously, afraid to ask about the night he was forced to end someones life, but he couldn't stop himself. "Who did you have to kill""I didn't know her..." Draco said softly, "She was some...muggle. I have no idea who she was, or why she was chosen. All I know is that night was a test, and I passed. But I had no desire to...." He avoided Demians gaze, but he turned his head to face him, "I'm sorry..." He said, quietly, "But you are not a monster...he threatened you, he pressured you, you were used..." He scoffed, "I have liked things like that, in the past, the hurting, the choking, the look of life...slipping away." He admitted, "I've been afraid of that side of me. But I didn't want to do it that night, I swear to you." His admittance made Demian gasp a little, he moved away from him slightly, "Demian please..." He pleaded not only with his words, but his eyes, "I thought you didn't think of me as a monster..." His heart beat quickly as he stared at him, his better judgement told him to get up, to leave, but he couldn't. "Promise me you will never hurt me, in any way." Demian said suddenly, "Never..." He promised. Demian felt some of the tension leaving the room, though his heart kept beating rapidly. "Please...come back." He opened his arms, Demian hesitated for a moment before he accepted, his hands trembled a bit, but they went back to his waist and wrapped around him. "I know you're scared..." He began, "I know you have every right and reason to walk out on me for what I've done, not only to you but...to others. But the truth is that I love you, Demian, I would do anything for you. I knew that on that faithful night, and it has terrified me ever since. But I swear to you, I want to control it, I want to prove to you that I can be the person that deserves you. Even through my sins." Demian remained silent for a moment, he cried softly into his chest before responding, "I believe you...and we will make it through this. We will get rid of the mark, and we will be together." This made Draco smile a bit for the first time in weeks, he lifted Demian up in his arms and brought him to his bed. "I'm exhausted...Please, sleep with me so I can actually get some rest." "It's...the middle of the day, Draco." He whined and Demian laughed quietly, he got under the covers and motioned for him to join. Draco laid next to him, Demians face on his chest. "Thank you..." Draco said softly, but within minutes, he was asleep. Demian laid there, listening to the rhythmic thump of his heartbeat. His mind swirling with all the new information he'd just gotten from the man that he loved. He thought about the muggle girl, a newfound guilt settled in his chest. He eventually fell asleep.