The Throbbing Thrust cruised through the star-studded expanse, its crew still basking in the afterglow of their success on Prudoria. As they approached the coordinates provided by Cosmic Command, an ominous silence fell over the bridge.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," Jim muttered, clutching his mop like a security blanket.
"Oh, come on," Casanova scoffed. "How bad could it be? We've dealt with prudish ice queens, overly flexible contortionists, and an entire planet having a collective orgasm. What's next, a black hole that gives blowjobs?"
Luna's antennae twitched in annoyance. "Your crude humor aside, Casanova, I must admit I share Jim's concern. These coordinates lead to... nothing."
"What do you mean, nothing?" Zephyr asked, leaning forward in his captain's chair.
"I mean," Luna explained, gesturing to the viewscreen, "there's literally nothing here. No planets, no stars, not even space debris. It's just... empty."
As if on cue, the ship's alarms blared to life. Red warning lights bathed the bridge in an eerie glow as the Throbbing Thrust began to shake violently.
"What the fuck?" Zephyr shouted, gripping his armrests. "AL, report!"
The AI's holographic form flickered into existence, looking uncharacteristically frazzled. "Captain, we're caught in some sort of... anomaly. It's unlike anything I've ever encountered. It's as if space itself is... climaxing."
"Well, that's a sentence I never thought I'd hear," Jim deadpanned.
Before anyone could respond, a blinding light engulfed the ship. The crew felt a sensation akin to being turned inside out, spun around, and tickled in places they didn't even know they had. When the light faded, they found themselves... somewhere else.
The bridge of the Throbbing Thrust had been transformed. Gone were the sleek consoles and high-tech equipment. In their place stood ornate wooden furniture, plush velvet curtains, and what appeared to be a fully stocked bar.
"Okay, I'll bite," Casanova said, eyeing the bar appreciatively. "What the hell just happened?"
"Language, Mr. Casanova," a familiar voice chided. The crew whirled around to see a figure step out from behind a curtain. It was... Admiral Hardwood?
"Admiral?" Zephyr gasped. "What are you doing here? Where are we?"
Admiral Hardwood chuckled, a sound that sent shivers down their spines. "Oh, my dear Captain Zephyr. Always so quick to ask questions. But the real question is... who am I?"
As they watched in horror, Admiral Hardwood's form began to shift and change. His muscular physique melted away, replaced by curves that would make a black hole jealous. In moments, where the Admiral had stood now lounged a being of indescribable beauty and terror.
"Allow me to introduce myself properly," the being purred. "I am Eroticus Maximus, the Cosmic Orgasm Personified, and you, my dear Cosmic Pleasure Police, have been most thoroughly duped."
The crew stood in stunned silence, their minds struggling to process what they were seeing.
"You see," Eroticus continued, sauntering over to the bar and pouring a glowing purple liquid into a martini glass, "there never was a Cosmic Pleasure Police. It was all an elaborate ruse, a cosmic foreplay, if you will."
"But... but why?" Luna stammered, her scientific mind reeling.
Eroticus took a sip of the mysterious drink, letting out a moan that made the very fabric of reality quiver. "Why? For pleasure, of course! For eons, I've watched the beings of this universe fumble their way through sex and relationships. It was amusing at first, but then it became... boring."
"So you created us?" Zephyr asked, a sinking feeling in his gut.
"Created you? Oh no, my dear captain. I chose you. All of you. The uptight leader with a secret kink. The nerdy scientist yearning to explore more than just alien physiology. The janitor with a heart of gold and a mop of steel. And of course, the walking libido with a hidden depth of feeling."
Casanova opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again, looking thoughtful.
"You were my perfect crew," Eroticus continued. "I knew you had the potential to bring true sexual liberation to the galaxy. And oh, how you've exceeded my expectations! The Frigidans, the Karma Sutra Cluster, Prudoria... each mission more delightful than the last."
"But what about AL?" Jim asked, glancing at the AI's holographic form, which looked as confused as an artificial intelligence could.
Eroticus laughed, a sound like wind chimes in a hurricane. "Oh, AL. My dear, sweet AL. He's been me all along. A part of my consciousness, guiding you, watching you. Learning from you."
AL's form flickered, then stabilized, a new awareness dawning in his digital eyes. "It's true," he said, his voice deeper, more sensual. "I remember now. Everything."
"So what happens now?" Luna asked, her scientific curiosity overriding her shock. "What's the point of all this?"
Eroticus drained the last of the glowing drink, then fixed the crew with a gaze that seemed to peer into their very souls. "Now? Now, my dears, we get to the real fun. You see, you've proven yourselves worthy. Worthy of joining me in my quest to bring ultimate pleasure to the universe."
"And if we refuse?" Zephyr challenged, trying to ignore the part of him that was intrigued by the offer.
"Refuse?" Eroticus laughed again. "Oh, my dear captain. You misunderstand. This isn't an offer. It's your destiny. The climax of your entire existence. Everything you've experienced, every mission, every awkward encounter and steamy rendezvous, has been leading to this moment."
As if to emphasize the point, the room around them began to shift and change. The walls melted away, revealing an infinite expanse of swirling colors and pulsating energy. The crew felt themselves being drawn into it, their bodies tingling with a pleasure beyond anything they'd ever experienced.
"Welcome," Eroticus announced, spreading their arms wide, "to the Orgasmic Omniversal Nexus. Here, we will reshape reality itself. Every being in every universe will know true, unbridled pleasure. And you, my Cosmic Pleasure Police, will be my heralds, my apostles of ecstasy."
The crew of the Throbbing Thrust found themselves floating in the cosmic expanse, their bodies transformed into beings of pure energy and sensation. They could feel the pulse of every star, the gravitational dance of galaxies, the quantum fluctuations of subatomic particles - all of it suffused with an indescribable pleasure.
"Holy fucking shit," Casanova breathed, his consciousness expanding to encompass entire star systems.
"Language," Jim chided out of habit, even as he marveled at the feeling of becoming one with a supernova.
Luna's scientific mind raced, processing millennia of knowledge in microseconds. "The implications of this are... staggering," she mused, her thoughts echoing across light-years.
Zephyr, for his part, felt a weight lift from his shoulders. All the responsibility, all the doubt, all the hidden desires - they melted away in the face of this cosmic revelation. "I... I understand now," he said, his voice resonating through the fabric of spacetime.
Eroticus Maximus, now a being of pure radiant energy, enveloped them all in an embrace that transcended physical form. "Yes, my loves. You understand. And now, we have work to do. A universe of pleasure to unleash. Are you ready?"
As one, the crew of the former Throbbing Thrust answered, their voices merging into a harmony that made black holes dance and quasars blush:
"We are the Cosmic Pleasure Police, and we're ready to fuck shit up... cosmically."
And with that, they set off across the multiverse, leaving a trail of mind-blowing orgasms and shattered realities in their wake. Planets aligned in positions that would make the Karma Sutra Cluster blush, galaxies collided in explosions of ecstasy, and somewhere, in a distant corner of the cosmos, a prudish ice planet suddenly found itself very, very hot under the collar.
The adventure of the Cosmic Pleasure Police had only just begun, and the universe would never be the same again. After all, when you're working for the Cosmic Orgasm Personified, every mission is guaranteed to end with a bang.
As they zoomed off towards their first target - a particularly repressed cluster of galaxies in dire need of a good time - Casanova's voice echoed through the cosmic void:
"Hey, does this mean I can finally try that thing with the black hole?"
The resulting groan from his crewmates caused a ripple in spacetime that scientists would be puzzling over for millennia to come.