He suddenly fell silent, looked away, frowned and lowered his head. I watched his appearance in confusion.
"Ben?"
Did I say something strange? It's just five cans of beer. It's not enough to get drunk, but because I haven't drunk for a long time, it feels more intoxicating than expected. Could it be that I'm more drunk than I thought?
"... It's not that."
"Ah?"
He muttered in a low voice. Suddenly, as if seeking support, he hugged me. I was so surprised that my body stiffened. But while being confused, I still hugged his body. His stiff fingertips made wrinkles on my back, which made me feel a pang in my heart.
"Don't go anywhere."
He said in a trembling whisper. I stroked his hair gently like soothing him, but his fingertips pressed harder, which made me even more sad.
"Where could I go leaving you behind?"
"I don't know."
He slowly shook his head, and a shadow fell over his face.
"Sure enough, you still can't forget that person even now, right?"
I sighed. This sentence I uttered stung my own heart severely. I can't bear the thought of someone else existing in Ben's mind. Even if it's said that this is childish jealousy, I still can't bear it.
"No, it's not. It's a misunderstanding. I'm not unable to forget. Actually, I've already forgotten. But when you are by my side, somehow it comes to my mind."
"... Ah?"
I stared at him who suddenly spoke loudly. His body jumped up and his gaze swayed.
"Sorry."
He said like this, lowering his head with his shoulders trembling slightly.
"Don't apologize. It feels like we are talking about breaking up. I hate this."
"I, I didn't mean that."
"Am I like that person?"
"... Ah."
He raised his face and blinked in confusion. I also felt that I had asked a very boring question.
"No, not at all."
"Then, is it unconscious?"
Because of the similarity, so I unconsciously chose me?
He showed a confused expression, but I said in a cold voice. I didn't want to make him show such an expression, but for some reason I was extremely restless inside. Even if he said it was just a bit similar in atmosphere, I couldn't be tough with him—Contrary to my words, I hugged him tightly with my pitifully trembling hands.
"It's just my own uneasiness."
"If it's like this, then it's me who makes Blake uneasy, right?"
"It's not your fault."
I imagined his gaze on my own. It's just that I'm being willful and afraid of getting hurt. Clearly he should be in my hands, but it feels like he is about to disappear into the distance, which scares me.
"You and her, neither in appearance nor in personality, are completely different. And the thing you are worried about won't happen. She is already gone. It's already in the past."
"Already, gone, something in the past?"
I asked hesitantly. He gave a wry smile and stretched out his arm to wrap around my neck.
I hugged the approaching body and repeated his words like a fool. Ah, it's really troublesome—I had such words come to my mind. The one who leaves first always lingers in the heart of the one left behind for a long time and refuses to leave.
"Clearly it should be in the past, already gone. But when being with me, you still think of her? Can't you forget her even though she is gone? Did you like her so much before?"
I could hear the annoyance contained in my voice myself. I know that no matter how jealous I am of this person who is no longer in this world, nothing will change. But the swelling emotions still hurt him.
I don't dare to look into his eyes that are looking at me in confusion now.
"Sorry!"
I feel that continuing like this is just going in circles. I gently untangled his arm and put some distance between us. But as soon as I took a few steps back, he moved forward like chasing after me.
"So, it's not a matter of like or dislike."
"... Isn't it?"
He stammered. Suddenly his gaze fell on the ground.
"I'm not good at guessing other people's thoughts. Up to now, a lot of my inadvertent words and actions have made others unhappy. It's often like this with Blake too... Every time I think of these. But you never say anything."
"I'm uneasy."
His voice was so low that it was almost inaudible. My heart ached like being tightly clutched.
"Indeed, because of this reason I also remember a lot of things in the past. But now there is really only you."
He raised his face and clenched his fists. He looked straight into my eyes, which were slightly moist. Seeing his such sincere attitude and sad look, I realized again how narrow-minded and ugly my heart is.
"When I'm with Ben, I never feel uncomfortable. It's not true that I say I'm not uneasy, but I'm very happy and feel very blessed."
"You are really a fool. Why are you so gentle to me. It's always me who troubles you. You are really a fool."
He twisted his face and glared at me as if he was about to cry.
"It's too much. Don't always call me a fool. I have also made you uneasy many times. We are the same."
"Suspecting you, I'm sorry."
I stretched out my arm to him and hugged him whose mouth was slightly pouted. At the same time, his warm hands held my cheeks.
"If you want to cry, just cry. If you dislike, just say so."
"... Don't indulge me like this. I'll get carried away."
"I just want to indulge you. Blake, you should be more straightforward."
"As long as I can be with you, I'm satisfied."
This is not a lie. Jealousy and uneasiness will definitely exist all my life. But if I can be by your side, I'm willing to swallow these emotions. If I can really be by your side all the time, I won't ask for more.
"I refuse just being by your side."
"Ah?"
He suddenly looked at me unhappily. I couldn't help but blink.
"All of you. I want all of Blake. Actually, I hate others smiling at you, hate others talking to you, hate others looking back at you. I think maybe I'm too stupid. My desire is so deep!"
He spoke quickly. I looked at him in surprise. The hand of his that was touching my cheek moved around to my back. Then, maybe because he was shy about his own words, he pressed his forehead against my shoulder and suddenly fell silent.
"Cute."
"Shut up!"
"Er..., Ben?"
My muttering made him raise his gaze unhappily. He suddenly lifted his head and avoided his head. My center of gravity shifted backward, but he forcibly pulled my face closer. My body leaned forward unnaturally.
Regardless of my confusion, the touch of our overlapping lips was too gentle. I couldn't help but widen my eyes.
"I will never give you up to anyone!"
The person who is usually dazed and very dangerous suddenly has such firm and intense eyes. I feel that I can never match him in my whole life.