"You're what?!", two pairs of gawking, surprised eyes were staring back at me. Those were the reactions of my mom and my baby sister Tori when I informed them the news.
We were having our Sunday breakfast together in our family home. I was off work this weekend.
"I'm getting married." I repeated and forced a smile onto my face, saying those words in a sing-song voice.
"You're kidding, right?", Tori asked. 'Is this some kind of a prank?'
"You don't have a boyfriend", mom replied.
They exchanged silent glances at each other, then stared back at me.
"Do you?", they both spoke simultaneously.
I faked a laugh.
"I'm not, I do and I have."
I gave them both each pointed looks while answering their questions.
'"You never told me you have a new boyfriend', Tori pouted. Obviously hurt for I never kept secrets from her. "The last man I knew you dated was that crazy Simon!"
"Well, I wanted to surprise you both." I took a sip from my cup of hot cocoa. Draining my lies away as I gulped down it's rich taste.
"And you certainly did that." Mom, still looking incredulous.
"When can we meet him then?", Tori said excitedly.
I silently sighed with relief.
"He's always busy working so I need to ask his schedules first." Not that I was interested to know.
"Is he a doctor in your department?", mom asked. Wondering maybe how I was able to catch a new man even without informing them that I was dating somebody.
"No."
"A lab technician then?", Tori. Her curiosity was pricking her intelligent brain.
"Ah... No."
"A--- nurse? Or was he your patient maybe?"
"No. He's a businessman."
"A businessman?!', Tori. Her reaction was so exaggerated.
"Yes." I laughed, another fake one. "Why? Is it so unbelievable for me to have a businessman fiancé?"
"No, it's just doesn't fit with your type of personality." Tori then turned to look at her wristwatch. "Oops... Tell me the details of your love-story later. I'm gonna be late for class. Got an exam at 10. Bye mom", she went to mom, kissed her on the cheek and waved at me as she went out of the front door.
A deafening silence lingered around the dining area after Tori left.
"You never mentioned him before, Nicolaa." Mom spoke after some time.
"I-I'm sorry, mom. We were both pre-occupied at work and I didn't want to make you worry about it."
"Worry? Oh darling, you got yourself a boyfriend, that's normal. All I want is for us to meet him properly. To tell you the truth, I was starting to worry you'll never have a normal life after what happened between you and Simon." She gave me a fond smile.
Referring to my previous, toxic relationship. A relationship that almost left me devastated.
"I'll ask him to come over to meet you both." I hastily changed the subject. I never wanted to be reminded of the past ever again.
"Please do. So how long were you together?"
"About a- a year." Now I lied again. I couldn't tell her the truth.
That it all went down into this whirlwind, chaotic situation. That it all happened in just a month. That this happened because that ridiculous, scheming beautiful man proposed to me even though he wasn't my boyfriend and we never had any type of relationship other than as a nurse and patient. He was never even my patient.
"A year and we never heard about him at all?", mom looked astonished again. I bowed my head. It was so hard to explain. I didn't even know what to say anymore. I hated lying especially to my loved ones.
"He must be very much in love with you then for allowing you to keep your relationship as a secret for 12 months."
"Yes he-- he does", I hesitated.
I barely knew the guy.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes. I do. I love him."
I looked into her eyes intently, trying to convinced her... and myself?
Mom smiled slowly. She reached out and grabbed both of my hands. I wish she was giving me a mommy hug though. I would be needing it for I wanted to cry.
Cry because I lied to her and cry because I was sacrificing myself to a lion in a cage den.
"Oh my Nicolaa's getting married." Then she bursted into tears.
My guilty feeling increased. I would be doing this for them.
I couldn't lose my job. I couldn't bare not to be able to send my younger sister to the university. I couldn't bare not being able to help my family financially. I couldn't bare to lose my good paying job as of the moment.
Not now when I have several debts to pay.
Not now, anyway... but someday I will make sure I will set things right.
I glanced at my mom, wanting to confessed everything but I stopped myself. My mother looked so ecstatic.
And as for me, it seemed like my body was drained away with happiness.
I was awashed by emptiness.
Then a lingering question entered my mind. A question that has been bothering me since his secondary, ridiculous proposal.
Am I really marrying him against my own will?
Lord, please forgive me.
Forgive me for lying to my family and for lying to myself.