When I was a child, maybe around 5 or 6 years old. My nanny said that life would be rainbows and cotton candies. I always, always get what I want, materialistically though.
"Honey, your mom sent you the latest Uphone again, what do you want to do with your old one?" My Nanny Jenna, who's been with me since I learned how to speak and think.
"You could take it, mommy."
My nanny Jenna smiles whenever I call her mommy and whenever I give her gifts, her smiles shine the brightest that way. So, I always try to give her things. Kindergarten is not that hard, to be honest. I just have to attend every day, play until I sweat, sing, dance, count, write, then draw pictures of family…
"Family…" I asked my teacher.
"What does family mean, teacher? Can I draw my hamster and nanny?"
I can't remember the face of my teacher back then. I can just remember that she bent down to my table and said,
"Baby, family are the people that love you so much" Then I just picked up my colored pen and drew Monster, my little hamster, and nanny Jenna, who always takes care of me. That's what I presented in front of the class that day and I found myself in trouble. I heard my teacher telling Nanny Jenna
"That they need to talk to my mom." Then I said
"… But Nanny Jenna is my mom." I saw from their faces that I was not doing well. Then the next thing I remember.
"Baby, what can I do for you?" I opened my eyes, and another person served me,
"Mommy?" I blinked a couple of times, scratched my eye, then just blurted
"Mommy Jenna?" The other lady sat beside my bed as I sat up from sleep and she said
"Baby Jun, my name is Deanna, you could call me nanny, auntie, or just plain Deanna…" I stared at her smiling face and she continued "…but not Mommy." She does everything that Mommy Jenna did to me. Helped me prepare for school, taught me homework, prepared my food, bath, and potty, cleaned my toys, got to my parent's conference as a representative, brought and got me from school.
"She just does everything but never asks for anything, but she doesn't talk, smile, or look at me like mommy Jenna" It's just that she gives me the idea not to talk about her anymore until…
"Baby Jun, this will be your new school. Now that you're in grade school, you'll be facing a little more responsibility. Just remember to be a very good boy and make your mommy proud." Then I thought,
"Mommy? If she's my mommy, why doesn't she want to see me?" I don't remember much from grade school, but still, I think I've done a great job doing what everybody says. I study and learn, I don't fight other kids, I play when they say so, I eat when they say so, and I stay wherever my nanny Deanna tells me to stay. But one day, as I sat near the entrance of my school waiting for my nanny to pick me up, I started to think but not question. I was sighing with confusion or longing, but all my nanny said whenever I felt down because of my parents
"Your mom and dad work so much so that they could give you everything that you wanted". I saw kids getting picked up by their moms and dads, some even brought their baby sisters with them. My other classmates always run out of the door where he smiles so wide whenever his mom lifts him when he runs up to her. Some kids are getting dropped off. I just knew back then that our grades hadn't stayed the whole day yet. There's a morning batch and an afternoon batch, and I remember that I'm always on the morning batch. At that time, because of my surname, where they do it alphabetically, the kids with surnames that start with A to M get to morning classes, then N-Z gets the afternoon classes unless their mom requests otherwise. Until I heard a very familiar voice and laughter, I insistently looked for that voice and I saw…
"Jammy, baby. Remember to never fight anybody in school all right. I will be back here later before you know it."
"I saw mommy Jenna! She's hugging goodbye to another boy in school," I ran to her, hugged her legs, and just felt and missed her. I remember she got down on her knees.
"She's back, she's back to get me" But she slightly pushed me and met my eyes. She wiped something on my face while she smiled very slightly, a shot curved from the side of her lips. That's what she showed me before when I was naughty, like when I was not eating my snacks back then, she kept rubbing my cheeks until I realized
"I didn't know that I was capable of being so sad after that day. She's wiping my tears without me realizing it." She hugged me that day and told me
"…never tell your mommy that you saw me" and that's the last day I saw her face again.
Nanny Deanna picked me up where I was still sobbing, and she checked me all over to see if I was hurt.
"What happened baby?" She kept asking me, but I never told her what happened there. Then and there I knew
"I am also capable of keeping secrets" Till then my life has been sticking to rules. I'm not saying I hate my parents; I just try to understand what my nanny Deanna always says.
"They both work hard… for me." Sometimes they call me on the phone. I've known their faces from the portrait they have in their room, the master's bedroom. Sometimes, I hide there when I don't want to see anybody. It's just that,
"This room is very big for hide and seek". It became my safe place, but without mommy and daddy.
"Sometimes it's scary, but a lot of the time outside that room it is a lot scarier"
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