"They say that life is the most important thing someone can carry."
"It is, after all, your only shot, your only chance to change things and to enjoy the limited aspects of it. Yet for some, it is a curse. A curse that will only plague one to the ends of the earth..."
***
Distant nonsensical chatter, howling cold winds, and my very own beating heart.
These three things were the only noise that rang through my ears.
They were somewhat muffled and silent but still very much audible even as I stood where I was.
However, these noises were unbearable as if their very existence were there to taunt and torment my faltering mind.
The chatter of those who laughed while I didn't, the cold winds that blew toward me without considering what I felt, and my heart that continued to beat even when I wanted it all to end.
The persistent beating piece of morsel that pounds again and again without stopping... I just wished could it had stopped long ago before it had to come to this.
Today was no different and for this moment in particular, my heart accelerated in its pace as if it had a mind of its own; a part of my body that was scared beyond belief, to the point I wouldn't be surprised if it had burst out of my chest in a desperate attempt to get away.
I couldn't blame it either, even I was scared of this moment... But to consider doing anything else, would've hurt even more. To be scared is to acknowledge your own fear.
The feeling of something so overwhelming it clouds your mind and leaves your body screaming at the very sight of it. To repulse and to avoid, to stray away from what your body reacts in opposition, that is the definition I would give to what being scared really is.
My hands shivered under the cold wind along with the subconscious thoughts that filled my mind, my face pale as ever while my head was lightheaded enough to the point I couldn't even stand up straight much longer without focusing.
It was hard to push myself to stall any longer for if I don't steer myself to do it now, the cycle will begin over again and if that comes, there won't be another chance.
I stood on the very edge and as the once distant chatter sourced from the departure of students turned to silence, I looked over the scenery one last time, my weary expression watching dark clouds move over the vast skies.
A gloomy day and a cloudy one at that, a sight to be expected seeing the last few days that passed.I inched closer to the by another inch, letting the top of my shoe peek over in the air as the line between solid ground and bare empty space hid under the soles of my shoes.
I took another breath and as I did so, the wind that continued on and on picked up its pace, blowing a hard gust of wind that had me wavered but for a moment; the gesture looked as if fate itself was trying to prevent me from continuing on what I was heading straight toward.
But it was pointless, the frugal attempt was too little too late. It should've played into place much sooner than this. It should've done all it could back then if it really was opposed to my rash irreversible decision.
I stood there alone with the tips of my fingers and toes freezing, atop the building where the harsh blowing winds were pushing against me.
My red tie and the jacket all students were ordered to don while in school were nowhere to be seen, pieces of clothing I felt were a waste of me. The white undershirt school uniform and the dark blue pants were all I wore and as they fluttered like a butterfly under the change of wind, the fabric blowing along with it led my hair to turn into nothing but a mess.
My white school uniform looked blue under the evening sun, a fitting color to set the current mood as soon... I'll cease to exist.
My eyes were on the verge of closing with but slits allowing for the bare minimum of sight as there was little left I wanted to see left in this unforgiving world.
Toward the distance, just under my sight line, the covered sun attempted to pierce through and shine onto me yet was impeded by the thick layer of clouds that looked to represent my very state of mind.
I could trace it back to a couple of days ago when I was called to the head counselor's office, most probably because of what had happened over the course of a couple of months.
But when I attended, the counselors said I should take a break from school but that only made it worse.
Staying in that empty house that was once filled with the constant chatter of them, was insufferable and made what was eating away at my mind grow with a much more insatiable desire and hunger to continue ravaging away at the deteriorating brain of mine.
But now that I am here, I won't have to relive those days any longer. I won't have to keep remembering their smiles, their warm embrace, and most importantly, the company they gave me; the irreplaceable feeling of having someone behind you to support you, the only thing that cannot be found easily regardless of how hard you try.
I won't have to cry over them any longer...
Nearing closer and closer, I thought over and over again of the time when I heard of their passing. It was just like yesterday, no, it felt like moments ago they had died.
My sister, a bright and supportive light that was always by my side. The only sibling I had and the best friend I could ever ask for died just two months ago.
It was so sudden, I couldn't think at that time when I caught wind of her news; my face holding a blank expression throughout the ride to the hospital.
Upon reaching and meeting her and standing by her bedside, I found her lifeless body lying there with not a sign of life on her still face.
They said that she had a heart attack but by the time the ambulance got to her, she was already long gone. I couldn't hold back my tears then and after crying it all out, my mother and I simply returned home as if nothing had happened.
But I could remember it all too vividly that day, she was taking it much harder than I ever could; her expression that though showed calm and easiness expressed the underlying sadness that would overwhelm the strongest of adults.
The days that followed were silent at best and occasionally, I would hear my mother mourn for my sister; the silent sniffles and the salty pearl-like droplets that fell from her eyes, I saw it all when I stood behind, but a wall away from comforting her of it.
Not long after, my mother soon followed. It was a car crash that took her life and I could recall the day I received the news, the moment the nurses called for me but by then, I could no longer express any emotions.
My face wouldn't change nor twitch in the slightest, after all, it hadn't even been two months since the death of my sister.
She was cremated as after all, I was only by myself back then without any relatives. I watched my mother's fixed body being incinerated and handed to me in a funeral urn; the emerald green vase-like receptacle that held what remained of her.
I could call back to what I felt then, the constant disparity of losing such important individuals in my life, the feeling that carried on up until this very point, it was something I had never experienced before.I snapped back into the current reality I faced.
The coldness of the late evening winds, the orange rays that lay far in the distance of the school compound's soccer field, and the white tiled flooring down below that I will soon be meeting with.
I had lost all will to live after my mother's death and for the past week, I had just been drifting by, wondering what to do as I was overwhelmed with nothing but sadness.
Then finally, I had decided after an egregious amount of contemplation to not think of it any longer. Standing on the top floor of the eight-story building of my school in one of the less traveled parts, I readied myself to end it all.
There, I took out my cellphone and flipped the cover open, I clicked its small square-shaped, scrolling through the little contacts I had with the inputs I made and as it reached the two names that instantly registered in my mind, the bridge of my nostrils flared up with pain.
"Mom... Sis... I'm scared but... Don't worry, I'll join you two soon enough... Just wait for me, it'll be all over soon..." I said as my heart pounded loudly within my ears, the droning noise loud enough to block out every other noise that radiated around me; my eyes on the brink of tears.
Everything felt unreal at that moment, the sensation that everything seemed like it didn't exist as my mind wandered about aimlessly.
At one moment, I felt that I would regret whatever comes if I truly take my own life but yet, I couldn't wait another day without my cherished family around.
They were the reason I continued to live on, the sole thing that kept me going yet, it was lost right then, in the blink of an eye.
As I moved forward as if taking another step... I fell forth, allowing the gush of wind to push against me as gravity made quick work.
I dropped down head first, watching as I went straight down into the white tiled floor and as the memories of the past flashed before my eyes, I suddenly remembered something.
It popped up so suddenly, that it instantly became what filled my thoughts right then.
"Ah... It is my birthday tomorrow... Isn't it..." I thought, the words passing through my mind and in the next moment, darkness was what I saw next.
***
In but mere seconds, a dark figure fell on the side of the building and though it would alarm anyone who would be standing nearby, there looked to be not a single soul who witnessed the entire event that had transpired.
The streets were cold and desolate, like a ghost town derived of life and as the body of the student hit the ground, a small clattering sound sounded by and what came skidding over to the sidewalk was a small mobile phone with its screen cracked but functioning.
Time ticked on slowly as if someone had intentionally manipulated the clock that governed overall. It ticked and ticked, like a grandfather clock's pendulum that rocked back and forth, and eventually as a pink petal fell from a nearby tree, the body of the supposed student was gone.
Not a single hint of his presence was there as if he had never existed in the first place.
All that remained in the scene there was that of the phone that sat dormant in its still open state; the battery life of the device draining away as the blue glow of the screen persisted.
"Eito..." A feminine voice sounded as a small pale hand reached down to the ground to pick up the phone that belonged to the student...