-What had just happened - I questioned myself trying to find the right wording to phrase what had just happened. I felt my heart beat start the race again. I do not know what it was racing against but no matter the speed it was never gonna match up to the speed of my brain.
I was building castles with thousands of scenarios of possibilities of what could have just happened. The thought that I apologize made me feel powerless.
What calmed me down was the thought that maybe he did not see my wet underwear. The moment I entered the lift I saw a man standing next to me. He looked at me weirdly. Which made me feel even more uncomfortable. I could feel his piercing gaze on my body scanning me as it goes. The thought that maybe someone could see the marks because of the slit. Made me shiver.
He had this weird look on his face that pissed me off. I would never know if he was sexualizing me or trying to understand the way I looked .
Did I look that ugly that someone would look at me for so long? Living on the top floor was never a problem but today it felt problematic. That was why I needed a private one which my father declined.
Thinking about my dad made me remember that I could just call dad and inform him about my professor who had just sexually,and physically abused me.
After the man got off. I finally had the nerve to look at my reflection. The lift was empty and now I could look at any angle and see myself . The reflection of my face disgusted me. The big waist, the big hair, the big ass. Even the thighs that were showing on the slit looked really gross. I slowly lifted my dress and saw my ass had a color patch. It looked like hand marks.
I felt my eyes swell with tears as they slowly soiled my cheeks. Looking at my disheveled state. It came crashing to me that there were cameras in the lift. I felt a wave of disgrace hit me hard like a tsunami on the shore.
-Maybe Mr Jones did not do anything to me because he was trying to molest me but just because I'm really rude and I'm ugly. -i thought to myself
Mother had told me in the past that if a beautiful person says something rude it looks sexy and cute but when you're ugly it looks like god has just hit another nail to make you unlovable and miserable. Maybe this had nothing to do with anything except that I was just a pervert that enjoyed being watched. When the lift stopped and the doors opened. I felt something move in my chest . Not something lovable but just the thought I was to vomit. I wanted to do it because I thought about how disgusting I was.
I ran to my apartment as I went straight to my bathroom to vomit. It was all just liquid with no lumps. Symbolizing I have not eaten in a day. And it was already mid day. I took a shower immediately trying to wash off the vomit. If I could change myself I would immediately actually.
First I would get light and color to my eyes . Second, lose weight. Third, be pretty. Fourth perfect. -today I lost one thing that was close to perfect because of Jonas - I repeatedly tried to calm myself.
The thought of this made my dreams even more uncomfortable . The thought of Mr Jonas touching my body made me ache in between my thighs. I slowly let my hand roam around as it came out with a sticky textured feeling. This made me feel even more convinced I was a pervert. Frustration grew even more as I thought of all the faces I had to face because of the mistake I was for not being able to be pretty.
Mom was right . I had just lost two marks that cost me my life. After taking a shower and scrubbing my body over and over again I finally felt satisfied. I leaped naked into the front of the mirror and looked at the most hated being in my head. I looked at this big fat monster trying to understand what she is good at. Yet just like always she just imitated exactly what I did. I looked at her . She looked at me too. I blink so did she. She had hair that was wet and dripping with water. I think she also felt no energy to wipe off.
A flash of Jones looking at me came up. I felt my body heating up. My nether regions were feeling even more uncomfortable. I tried fighting the urge to take another bath. Which was a battle I could not win .
As I looked at my reflection one more time ,I was looking at my bare naked body. I remembered that I had eaten chocolate which made me realize I was gonna go nowhere. I took some water from the basin and swallowed some. After a few sips. I put my hand letting a few fingers reach deep parts of my throat as another hurricane of vomit came. I felt so much cleaner after a few tries. I brushed my teeth to get the horrible after taste.
I went straight to bed with my wet hair and a naked body. Which made no difference because now my body was aching after the scrubbing and my head felt heavy after the vomiting. I was left with an empty stomach. As hungry as I was I could not bring myself to eat as it was gonna make me gain more weight. I knew I had a bad relationship with food but I was gonna be fine after the chocolate I ate earlier.
I felt the insomnia slowly making my bed its own as it kept me up all night . I could not even bring myself to take pills. It felt better to just drown myself in the pool of pity. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think and have my thoughts clear and the actual nerve to go to school and hopefully no boy will come close to me.