A sixteen-year-old boy stood gazing at the sky. His name was William Harrington.
The sky was bright, with more blue visible than the clouds that covered it.
It was a beautiful morning, perfect weather to start the day.
But William remained silent in his backyard, sitting and staring at the sky with an empty mind.
He wasn't thinking about anything at all, truly empty, devoid of any content. Endless tranquility occurred, but occasional bad memories about his little sister caused wrinkles to reappear on his forehead.
His father approached him. He knew it was his father, but he remained silent and didn't even greet him.
A glimmer of hope appeared in his heart, but it was a hope for punishment. He craved pain, but also hated it. Yet, he felt he deserved it.
His father, unaware of William's thoughts, sat down beside him and remained silent for a moment, saying nothing.
His father seemed restless and like he wanted to say something, but a hesitation held him back.
Meanwhile, William, who knew this, remained silent. He chose to flow like water, ready to accept whatever would happen.
"Will..."
"What is it, Dad? It's rare for you to come talk to me. What is it? Are you worried about me? I'm okay, because—"
"This incident... Maria's death... It wasn't your fault."
William was startled, his eyes widened at this, but there was a feeling of disappointment in his heart. Because he knew where this conversation was going, it made him uncomfortable but he couldn't refuse.
"No one is at fault in this case."
"Stop it," William thought, but he smiled as if he was happy.
"It was an accident. No one is at fault. Maria just had an accident while cooking."
"I told you to stop!" William thought, but he can't said that in front of his father. Because he can't, he know it will cause his father hate him. even if he think he don't deserve to be exist, even if he think he don't deserve to be around people who he love, He was still afraid of being hated by others.
"Because of that, you don't need to blame yourself, Will."
"Why do you think I feel guilty?"
"I don't know, only you know. It's just that I don't want you to do something stupid like you did in elementary school back then."
"Elementary school..."
"Don't act stupid like that just for your family again. I know you loved Maria, but that's enough. Maria would want you to be happy too, she would be sad to know that her death is making her brother suffer."
"Why? Why are you being compassionate towards me? Why? I am the reason why your daughter die, you know!" He just can only yell it in his mind, he is a coward.
"Can you promise me? Your mother must be worried about you right now."
"Oh, what about Mom, where is she now?" William tried to change the subject, with a fake smile in his face, he running away again.
"Oh, your mother still can't come back, there's a bit of a problem at her workplace, but I doubt she can work normally after hearing about Maria..."
"..."
"That's all I wanted to tell you, I have have to see your Grandpa after this. You can be alone in this house, are you alright?"
"Yes!" William replied with a fake smile on his face again. Because he didn't want sympathy from anyone, because he felt he didn't deserve it.
Stop be kind to me! It's hurt! But it's what i want. But i hate it! But i deserve it! I deserve to be hated...
After that, he became a lifeless doll again. Looking at the scenery around him with lifeless eyes. His view of the world slowly turned gray again. But he didn't truly go back to how he was before, because that was just his hope. Despair made him believe what he wanted to believe. It made him blind to the truth and the reality happening to himself.
Soon after, he lay down and covered his face with one hand so he could see the darkness inside his eyelids more clearly. It made him unable to see anything but darkness and he drifted into his own thoughts.
In the end, I'm still Mr. Gray, because I'm a coward. Mr. Gray is myself, my identity when I running away from reality.
I hate myself, I always want to change, but when I become Mr. Gray, I feel so comfortable.
But that comfort is fake! But I'm comfortable with it! But it's not reality! I'm just running away from everything! Throwing away my humanity and trying to forget precious emotions, becoming a doll who only acts according to the logic I believe in.
I want to feel alive! But i don't deserve to be exist!
I hate it! I hate the loneliness! But I deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be around the people I love. I don't deserve to live! But I also hate loneliness!
Anyone, please help me! Slap my face and wake up this arrogant self of mine! Why doesn't anyone punish me? I deserve to be punished, right?
Anyone, please help me!
After he shouted in his own mind, he took away the hand that had been covering his eyes all this time. He looked at his hand, wet when he lifted it, making him confused about the source of the water.
He touched his face and felt his cheeks were also wet without him realizing it.
What is This?... Tears?
I... Crying?
Why?
Because of Maria?
Why am I crying?
No... Am I sad?
After realizing something, he began to understand his current emotions, making him mutter, "so... This is sadness."
He smiled, he felt happy, but then he became sad again remembering the reason, then his smile slowly faded while his forehead furrowed.
I don't deserve to cry!
William began to cover his face with both hands, "Hiks... Hiks...You taught me happiness, you also taught me sadness. You are Really... How many thing do you want to leave for me, Maria?"
But why am I still crying? Why can't I hold back my tears?
Oh... That's right, I'm not Mr. Gray anymore.
Damn it! In the end, I failed to running away.
No! I can't running away, I deserve to feel this pain! Why are you thinking of running away , you idiot!
That's right, I'm stupid! Genius? Talented kid? What is that? A noble title? I'm human!
This is nothing compared to the pain Maria felt!
I won't running away! I deserve this pain in my heart.
However, deep down, he truly wanted to return to nothingness, he wanted to die because he didn't want to be hurt or hurt anyone anymore, but his sense of responsibility strengthened his resolve to receive punishment.
I will bear this pain forever and never forget it!
I hate myself, so it's okay if I punish myself by not running away , right?
In the end, the path he chose was to fool himself. Making himself believe what he wanted.
That's right, I'm not running away anymore! I promised Maria. I said I wouldn't running away anymore!
Anyone, please help me! Punish me!
Making himself believe that punishing himself to atone for his sins was not a way to running away.
Damn it! What's wrong with me!? Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
The other side of him refused to accept that self doctrine.
That's why I hate myself!
Without realizing it, he had already been scratching his own face. He didn't even feel the slightest bit of pain, because the pain in his heart was more painful than that small wound.
He started laughing because of his jumbled thoughts. He didn't even understand what he wanted to do. But he stood up and started walking because he was bored to do nothing all the time, but from at that moment on he always insulted himself in his heart.