Why do you pretend not to care?
I'm not pretending.
Why do you pretend not to care?
I genuinely don't care! I don't even know him, why should I care!
No, that's wrong, you only believe what you want to believe.
No! You're wrong! Who are you! Why are you acting like you know me!
I am you, I exist as a critic, I am the you that you created to punish yourself.
punishment?
To run away.
No, I'm not running away.
Then what are you doing?
I just want to make myself aware that I am a sinner. I'm wrong, I should be punished!
Ultimately you do it because you want to run away.
No, you're wrong!
You even doubt yourself, how can you trust your own thoughts?
I don't doubt myself!
Then who do you think I am?
You are me.
You knew that from the beginning.
Yes, I know.
You pretend not to know.
What's wrong with pretending!
There's nothing wrong with pretending, there's nothing wrong with running away. You think so?
Yes, I'm not wrong, am I?
Aren't you running away because you feel guilty?
No!
Then what do you really want? What do you want to do?
I don't know, never knew, I can't.
Why?
I don't know.
Don't you want to be happy?
Am I allowed to be happy?
Of course you are.
Even if I am a disaster?
Why do you think you are a disaster?
I hurt others.
Was it your own will?
No.
Are you sure?
No.
Then what do you really think when you want to hurt others?
Destroy.
Then did you do it of your own will?
Yes.
Why?
Because I'm a disaster!
Aren't you human?
No! I'm not human!
Then why do you hurt others?
Because I'm a disaster!
Not because of your own will?
That's right! I did it of my own will! I did it because I'm a disaster!
But doesn't that mean you are human?
Shut up!
You're running away again.
I'm not running away!
Then what do you want?
I want to die.
Why?
I should never have been born.
Why?
I don't want to exist.
Why?
I don't want to be here.
Why?
I don't know.
Why?
I don't know!
You're running away again.
No, i'm not!
Then why?
I don't know!
What you don't know?
The reason to live.
You want to die?
Yes.
You don't want to be born?
Yes.
Why?
Because I don't deserve to live.
Why?
My presence will only hurt others.
Why?
My ability exists to hurt.
Do you think without that ability you wouldn't hurt the people around you?
Yes.
Isn't that just your thought?
No, I'm sure.
You only believe what you want to believe.
No, I'm right!
You're wrong, you would still hurt others even if you weren't born without that ability.
Why?
Because you live.
After experiencing a strange dream, William woke up from his sleep on the sofa in his own house. The sound of the television was not heard at that time because the sound of his heavy breathing filled the room. Even after he started to calm down, his mind was full of strange questions that arose in his dream, making him unable to hear anything other than the contents of his own mind.
Without realizing it, his face looked very frustrated and he began to hold his own head tightly to prevent his head from thinking.
He didn't want to think anything for now, he wanted to forget everything and return to normal as usual, but unfortunately, the mind is not a physical object. Something that has no physical form cannot be stopped by anyone, anytime. It is an absolute thing anywhere and anytime.
Knowing that, William gave up and started looking at a photo with his family that was displayed on the table in front of the sofa at that time.
He smiled because he felt relieved, but slowly his forehead furrowed as he remembered the past.
I'm weak, this ability makes me look strong, but the reality is I'm weak. Very fragile and easy to destroy. But it doesn't matter, because I was already destroyed before anyone knew about my existence in this world.
Maria knows I'm here, but the me now is what she knows, the old me is gone. My weak self is already destroyed, because I destroyed it myself.
I'm the reason why I lost myself. I did it on purpose, because I thought I wasn't needed by anyone, not even by myself. If I didn't do it, then all I did throughout my life was hurt others. Rather than that happening, I'd rather kill myself.
If that's what's needed for me not to hurt others, then I'm even ready to be erased from this world. But my family would definitely be sad if that happened, Maria is the one who made me realize that.
Her tears that day are unforgettable. It made me realize that there are other people who see me in this world, there are people who need me, making me find a reason to stay here and exist.
That's why, all I can do is run away. Run away from reality, throw away emotions, become someone else, and forget myself.
But the reality is I'm just pretending, running away is not as easy as I thought.
In the end, what was lost with me was not just suffering, but also my humanity and my emotions, because that was part of me.
And when slowly my emotions came back one by one, when I started to understand myself little by little, suffering also came back at the same time.
Of course I'm happy because I can feel happiness and believe in that feeling. But is it balanced with my guilt?
If the end of my running away journey ends up being the same, then what's the point of me running away in the first place?
Why did I try to become myself again from the beginning if I didn't want to be tortured anymore?
What do I really want?
I don't know.
Slowly William began to calm himself down, he began to take a deep breath and closed his eyes to refresh his mind. He opened his eyes afterwards and then fell silent while looking at the fan spinning above.
No, I know, I want to accept myself.
I don't want to run away anymore, I want to be myself.
Running away is useless, running away doesn't make my problems disappear, it's just delaying time.
Rather than me regretting constantly running away, I'd rather face it this time.
I can already control my own ability, I should be able to this time! No, I have to be able to!
I hate myself.
But maybe I can learn to love myself from now on.
Maybe it's okay if I'm here!
That's right! I am me, other people are not me, because only I can be called me.
I am me, I want to be myself!
I want to be here! I want to be around the people I love!
Dad, Mom, Maria, they are my reason to live! They are enough to be my reason to live. No, I want to make them my reason to live.
After all, I am myself, I am the one who decides how I live!
This time... I won't run away anymore.