Chapter 76 - What Did He Dream About?
Anna:
We had walked all day and finally stopped to rest. Luke had lain down a little way from us; we were surrounded by darkness in the forest. The ground was still wet with mud, and our clothes were damp. Even the animal skins we used as blankets were soaked. The makeshift backpack we had crafted while gathering resources in our little cave was drenched, but we still laid a blanket on the ground and lay down on it. We tried to convince Luke to stay closer to us; we didn't mind if he leaned against us. He could just turn his back and we could share warmth, but he refused and lay a little distance away.
He had been acting strange since that crazy stunt.
I didn't know... If I had known he would risk his life like that, I wouldn't have let him. Part of me feels guilty for being grateful he helped us, but he could have died. He reached an advanced level of prana exhaustion, and that was the reflection on his body... I can't even imagine the pain he must have felt. Luckily, I could at least ease the pain a bit.
Looking at my friend dressed in black, lying with his back to us, I sighed, staring at his figure. Alice was awake but still leaning against me. This place wasn't as cold as the region we were in earlier in the Oblique World, but it was still chilly. Luke was in the cold; he had dismissed his cloak and re-summoned it dry when the rain returned earlier. But that didn't solve the cold of the night.
We watched his face while he was having that bad dream, submerged in that nightmare. When you exhaust your prana, your body shuts down, forcing you to recover energy, but slowly consciousness returns from that deep place where the mind was cast.
What did he see when his mind dove into that place?
We watched for a long time. I kept my hand on him, trying to emit my healing power... but his face of pain showed me it wasn't a physical pain he was feeling. Luke wasn't feeling pain in his body; he was feeling pain in his soul.
I couldn't do anything... I could only watch.
Alice tried to comfort him by laying his head on her lap, and we even stroked his head, but witnessing that was painful. It seemed like his breath would disappear and return; he made no sound, but Luke seemed to be drowning even while breathing. I could see the desperation on his face with closed eyes; I didn't know how, but for a moment, his fear became palpable.
At one point, I saw a single tear fall from his face. It was fleeting. It fell and then disappeared; it was a small tear that came and went with the same speed.
Why did I feel sad when that tear fell? It seemed like everything was also sad, as if the world was crying with him.
At that moment, I understood that I would never ask too many questions about him again. My immaturity in satisfying a curiosity hurt me. I didn't think about what reliving the past might mean for someone else; if I had known it could be so painful... I would never have thought to ask him.
In the end... I'm immature... and I couldn't help, even with my healing power. How can I heal a wound that isn't physical? Nothing can...
I don't know how, but I knew he wasn't having a normal nightmare. Excessive prana exhaustion has these symptoms; events and memories trigger when your mind starts to recover.
He almost died... and still had to relive something painful... to help us... I think I truly understand what the word 'friend' means.
Alice:
Luke had lain down far from us, but in that darkness, I could still see his form because of the faint glow of the moon. It seemed like the moon itself was gently illuminating his presence.
Lying there alone in the dark, I wondered:
What did he dream about? What was so difficult that his mind couldn't process it? What was so desperate that just watching him left me breathless?
I still didn't understand his true past; every time I theorized, it shattered with the tiny grain of new information I acquired. I shouldn't be thinking too much about it; it could even be considered a bit childish... but part of me wanted to understand.
For a part of my life, I lived surrounded by people of all kinds, mostly fake ones. They approached me with a false smile to tell me their lies.
Here, close to me, is a person who does exactly the same thing, but with completely different intentions. I know he puts on a false smile and tells me his lies, or simply says nothing. The expressions he shows, the smiles he presents, they are all... they are all a lie. But Luke wasn't lying to me; Luke was lying to himself.
When I saw his face twisted in pain, everything made sense. Luke is always using a mask to bury deep what he truly feels. All my doubts were answered when I saw that single tear on his painful face. My speculations about his ability to fight well, his sharp thinking in tense moments, his mental control to not succumb to fear at certain times—everything was answered when that face produced a tear, similar to an oyster that has to endure a lot of pain for a long time to produce a pearl.
That's what he is. Luke is the result of a lot of pain. I still wanted to discover what kind of life he lived, but a part of me... a part of me also didn't want to know. I had understood that he was trying to forget. So I would try to accept the truth he forges to deceive himself, but... I would try to help.
He had drained his prana excessively and almost died. The conclusion I reached was that he was an idiot for nearly killing himself. He is a... true idiot, but this idiot... is my friend.
Lucan:
Luke had laid down a bit distant from the two girls. In that darkness surrounded by trees, he was staring into the void, listening to the whispering wind. Luke was fixedly gazing into the darkness, trying to become one with the universe. He felt as if the very night was stretching out to hide him and keep him there. It seemed as though nature itself was attempting to conceal his presence so that nothing could witness what he was feeling.
He was trying to sink those feelings, trying to expel them, trying to make them... intangible.
Why did I dream about that? Why did I have to see her... out of all the people who have passed through my life? She was one of the few who truly marked me... she is the only person I will never be able to forget. Dreaming about that was painful. Dreaming about that place made me see the reality of my truth.
In the end... this is what I am. I have nothing, I have no one. I am always alone; there is no one who cares about me. This is the truth about me... I didn't want to, I didn't want to be back in that place. Now that memory showed me... showed me that after everything... there is never anyone. The things I saw, the things I lived through, the things I witnessed must stay buried inside me. No one can know those things, not even me... what I saw must die with me. The truth of that place must be kept hidden, no one can know... no one. What happened that day... the things I feel, my feelings. My first friends... and all the others... one day I will join you. The truth is, I am always alone, I am always... empty.