my eyes are the same as they once were when you picked your son up from my 8th or 9th birthday party, I may look different but when you see me your eyes light up and you smile like a million suns. you see how i've changed just to run over and hug me, just like how you used to when I came over every weekend to have a playdate - just across the street.
You look into my eyes and see the sadness that was there when your friends bullied me at your cottage during your sleepover party, you see the sadness and pain that was there when I moved without being able to say goodbye, you see the sadness and struggle that i am going through right now and you hug me with all your being silently wishing and hoping that everything will be okay.
You feel me flitch the moment you hug tight, you feel me let out a deep breath that you swore i hadn't taken before, you feel my head rest upon your shoulder as I cry and let my soul recover and heal in your grasp. You hear my cries and feel my soul breath, you hear how my lungs struggle to grasp the air we breathe as we stand there on the driveway of my childhood home.
You see the scars that run across my body, the small ones on my hands to the larger ones on my legs. you see the person whom I once was before I left - the 13 year old who had just gotten into the highschool of their dreams. You see the girl who thought that they'd become a graphic designer. you see the 13 year old hopeful graphic designer and you see the 20 year old hopeful audio/camera TV Broadcaster, you see both and wonder what happened.
The 13 year old hopeful is happy, but there is underlying sadness that you just can't miss. The 20 year old hopeful is struggling - as though they are drowning in a sea of depression and the only thing keeping them afloat right now is you. You quietly wonder what had happened over the course seven years- what had changed me so deeply that I am drowning in depression?
You don't ask, you stand there quietly hugging me and whispering words of support. You welcome me back home and tell me what has changed- all without letting go of my hand. You call our childhood friends of that fateful grade 5 class and tell them I'm home. They come and ask how i've been, what's happened in my life.
You notice the ghosts that haunt me standing behind me with their soft smiles, just wishing for me to move on and accept it, you feel something is wrong and has changed me drastically but you say nothing. no one says anything. You notice the way I dress and the way I present myself, but say nothing.
You wish that I could move forward - you know i'm stuck in the past.