As I traveled to Dimapur with my cousin for my 12th grade, it was time for me to shift. We would be staying in a different apartment with my cousin sister, her friend, and Hanks, since my brother Athree wouldn't be staying there any longer. We started preparing our new home, cleaning and arranging everything, and by evening, everything seemed to be sorted.
After dinner, I stepped outside to take in some fresh air. Suddenly, my phone started ringing. I looked at the screen and, to my surprise, saw Tsula's name. It caught me off guard; she rarely called. Wondering why she would be calling, I picked up, concerned that something might be wrong.
"Hello?" I said, but I didn't get a response. Perhaps it was a mistake.
Before I could hang up, she replied, "Hello."
"It's been a long time," she said, her voice bringing a flood of memories.
"It is," I replied, feeling a chill run through me.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, worry creeping into my voice.
"I need your help right now, and it's urgent," she said, sounding anxious.
"What is it?" I asked, my concern growing.
"Actually, my aunt forgot her password, so I need your help with that," she explained.
"Oh, it's just that," I said, feeling relieved. "Yes, I can help."
"Really?" she asked, sounding hopeful.
"Yes, it's no big deal," I replied.
"Oh, thanks!" she said, her voice brightening.
"Although, her entire phone data will be gone, so is that alright?"
"Yes, it's alright."
"Okay then, I'll tell you the steps. Follow my instructions."
"Okay."
As I guided her through the process, we began catching up, reminiscing about the past year. The conversation flowed easily, filled with laughter and shared memories.
"So, is it done?" I asked.
"Yes, it's done! Thank you so much, Ashan!" she said excitedly.
"It's alright. I'm happy I could help you," I replied, feeling a warm glow.
We talked for a few more minutes, the conversation filled with lighthearted banter and genuine connection. As the call was about to end, she said, "Thanks for everything, Ashan."
"It's fine. I'm always happy to help you," I said, hearing the smile in her voice.
"That's good," she replied. "Alright then, see you. I'll text you later."
"Sure, see you. Take care."
"Okay, bye. I love you," she said in a smiley tone.
Her words took me completely by surprise. The moment I heard "I love you," I instinctively cut the call before she could finish her sentence. My mind raced. Did she just say what I thought she said? Why did she say that? And why did I cut the call?
I sat there, regretting my impulsive action. Then, I received a voicemail from Tsula. She was laughing so much, saying how funny it was when I cut the call while she was saying "I love you." She thought I had gotten annoyed and cut the call, and she found it hilarious.
In reality, I wasn't annoyed—I was just surprised. Her words had made me happy, even if it seemed like part of her teasing game. I couldn't help but wonder what if it wasn't a joke...
Deciding not to dwell on it too much, I continued my night and eventually drifted off to sleep, a mix of confusion and warmth lingering in my heart.
The next morning, I woke up early, texted Tsula a good morning, and started my day. There were still a few days before classes started, so I wondered what I should do. I woke Hanks, and we went out for a bit of sightseeing before spending the rest of our time playing games.
After a few days, our school reopened, and I went to my first class. The distance between our school and home was a bit far, but since it's a plain area, it was much more comfortable. As usual, I was late. I ran to my class, and as soon as I reached the classroom, I heard my teacher call my name. I said "present" with one arm inside the classroom. Thankfully, I didn't get scolded, but what a way to start my 12th grade.
I saw Hamit and my other friends, but I didn't see Ikito. I wondered what had happened to him.
Weeks went by, and my classes were going smoothly. On my way to school, I commuted with my sister Asa, and as usual, I joked about how single I was and how I wanted a girlfriend to make the conversation interesting. It always worked. At college, I talked with my friend Hamit about anime and games. In computer class, I sat near Sana, and we kept talking about stuff, although I still hadn't been able to talk to Ezung yet. She was so active on WhatsApp, always saying how she would hit me when I annoyed her, but she never approached me. It was also because we had different sections, making it harder to talk.
Sadly, Ikito left our school. Maybe he got bored or didn't want to stay anymore. I tried to contact him a lot, but my messages wouldn't send. I wondered what he was up to now.
Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. It was almost time for our midterms. I didn't wear a sweater anymore. No matter how persistent I was, the sun was just too hot for me to keep wearing a blazer, so I left it. As for my studies, they weren't going very smoothly. I asked Ezung for help, and she helped me with some questions, but I couldn't understand much, especially in accountancy. Although I was pretty chill about the upcoming exams, knowing I wouldn't do well, Ezung was making an even bigger deal about it, saying she would fail everything. I tried to comfort her a bit while we studied together.
The exams came and went, and it was time for the results. I wasn't worried much, but I knew I wouldn't do that well. Ezung kept saying the same, always claiming she wrote the exams badly after each one. When the results came out, the teachers distributed the students into three sections based on the results to teach everyone effectively. I failed one subject, accountancy, so I was placed in section B. Those who failed more than one subject were placed in section C, and those who did well were shifted to section A.
In section B, I started looking for my friends, and most of them were there with me. But the biggest betrayal was seeing Ezung casually sitting in section A. The way she had convinced me she did badly made it sound so believable. I asked her about it, and she said even she didn't know how she ended up in section A. From then on, I kept teasing her, calling her a snake and annoying her for fun. But well, I learned not to believe Ezung when it came to studies.
It's almost the middle of the year, and I still haven't had any contact with Ikito. I really wonder if he's okay. I started taking tuition for accountancy, which is held at the school itself right after classes end.
One time, during a particularly dull session, I was sitting at the last bench when a girl next to me suddenly leaned over and said, "Hey, I really like your keychain. It's cute."
Caught off guard, I chuckled and replied, "Haha, thanks."
"Where did you get it?" she asked.
"I got it from my sister," I said.
"Oh, that's nice. It's really cute," she commented, smiling.
Not knowing how to keep the conversation going, I blurted out, "Do you want it? You can have it."
She looked surprised and quickly said, "Oh no, no. That's not necessary."
I was puzzled, but the conversation ended there. Later, it dawned on me that she was just trying to start a conversation. Damn, I can be so dense sometimes.
The next day, she approached me again. This time, I was more prepared. We chatted about our classes, hobbies, and eventually, she asked to exchange contact information, to which I agreed.
Her name was long and hard to remember, so I started calling her Toko. She reminded me a lot of Temsu from high school—the way she talked, the way she acted, and even a bit in how she looked. I found myself enjoying her company.
As we got to know each other more, I realized Toko was a huge anime fangirl and a gamer, much like me. She was full of energy and had a knack for talking about the most unexpected topics, often venturing into naughty territory. The contrast between her innocent appearance and her bold conversations made her intriguing.
Texting with her was a different experience compared to texting Ezung, who always had an innocent and reserved vibe. With Toko, the conversations were lively and often borderline inappropriate, but it was fun. She made the monotonous tuition sessions something to look forward to.
During one of our tuition sessions, I joked, "You know, you remind me a lot of a friend from high school."
"Oh really? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" she teased.
"A good thing, definitely," I replied. "She was smart, funny, and... a bit of a troublemaker."
Toko laughed. "Well, I'll take that as a compliment. By the way, have you seen the latest episode of that new anime?"
And just like that, our conversations flowed effortlessly. We spent the rest of the year sitting next to each other in tuition, chatting about anime, games, and everything in between. It felt good to have someone to talk to and share interests with, especially when life was getting more hectic by the day.
Months passed by, and I continued texting my friends and playing games while attending school regularly. Things were going well, and I kept in touch with Tsula. We talked about various things, especially her troubles. One time, she confided in me about how she couldn't hate the people who hurt her in the past, despite the pain they caused. She still worried about them, not wanting to hurt them.
That day, I got mad. "Tsula," I texted, "don't worry about them. Don't care about them. You suffer in silence without talking to others about it. Even when you're hurt, you endure it and worry about the people who hurt you. You think it's fine to keep suffering if others are happy. You keep suffering to the point you can't sleep."
I paused, feeling a mix of anger and helplessness, then continued, "Please, think about how you can live happily and have a better life. I really want you to be more selfish. Only think about yourself. Please, be more selfish."
My frustration wasn't just with her; it was also with myself. I felt powerless, only able to offer words through a screen. I wanted to be there for her, to comfort her in person, but all I could do was text.
Time moved on, and then one day, Toko confessed her love to me. I was caught off guard, but this time I managed to give her a proper response. "I'm sorry, Toko," I said, "I can't return your feelings. I don't feel the same way."
This was the fourth confession I'd received since starting school, and I'd never known how to respond properly. I hated hurting them, but I realized it was better to be honest. They deserved that much. I often wondered what they even liked about me. Did I seem like the kind of guy who deserved their love?
One of the main reasons I never entered into a relationship was because I knew myself too well. My gaming habits, my laziness, and my personality made me unsuitable for relationships. I wouldn't be able to respond to their emotions properly. I was too dense and would likely end up hurting them more. A part of me preferred being alone, and another part worried about how it would affect my relationship with Tsula.
I had a lot of reasons, but the one thing I was sure of was that I didn't deserve any of them. I believed that because I knew myself, I would inevitably hurt them. They truly deserved better.
After I turned Toko down, we slowly lost contact. I couldn't blame her. It was just another sad reality I had to accept.
As the final exams approached, I couldn't help but feel a mix of relief and sadness. My time in my 12th grade was drawing to a close, and while the exams themselves were challenging, Ezung's support was a beacon of light. She helped me prepare, and her companionship turned study sessions into moments of laughter and camaraderie. I cherished these moments, knowing they were fleeting.
The exam period was a bittersweet symphony of exhaustion and camaraderie. My friends Bishal and Hamit, with whom I shared countless memories, were by my side, making the experience bearable. I truly felt I had grown, both academically and personally, and believed I had done better than in high school. I was proud of my progress and the friendships I had forged.
The last exam came, and Ezung asked me to wait for her afterward. When she handed me a present—a cute keychain, a ballpoint pen, and a heartfelt letter—I was overwhelmed. Despite her usual aversion to being "cringe," her gesture was profoundly touching. It was the first time I had received a gift like this from a friend, and it meant more to me than words could express. In that moment, I felt truly special and grateful for her presence in my life.
The end of the exams marked a bittersweet farewell to my friends. I was looking forward to returning home and reconnecting with my family. The reunion was warm, but amidst the joy, I couldn't shake the feeling of an underlying melancholy.My mother's persistent worry was evident, and despite my reassurances, her anxiety seemed to grow.
A routine visit to the hospital, set against the backdrop of a forested area, was meant to be a simple check-up. But as we sat in the waiting area, I noticed a troubling change in my mother's demeanor.
Returning home after that visit, things took a turn for the worse. My mother's condition seemed to worsen, casting a shadow over what should have been a joyful homecoming. The weight of her troubles, combined with my own sense of helplessness, began to consume me. I felt my will to live waning.In the midst of this turmoil, I couldn't see a way out. But even in this dark time, a faint glimmer of hope remained—a belief that someone would come to offer solace and light. I clung to the possibility that there would be a way to emerge from this despair, and that perhaps, someone special would be there to guide me through the storm.