Jaewook
Two years ago
It was annual awards show season again. Tonight I was only here as part of the audience, a guest, and my head was full of a mix of anticipation and boredom. These events were part of the job, but they always felt like an endless parade of the same faces and the same forced smiles. As I navigated through the crowd, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, I was a tad envious of those who seemed to thrive in this environment.
The atmosphere buzzed with excitement as everyone awaited the announcement of the next award. I was seated among my peers, trying to muster some genuine enthusiasm when her name was called.
"Iseul, for 'It's Not Me, It's You.'"
I looked up, curiosity piqued. I'd heard about Iseul, of course—everyone had. The scandal that rocked her career was still fresh in people's minds. But what caught my attention wasn't the controversy; it was the way she walked up to that stage. She moved with confidence, with assurance. It was a clear marker of her fierce determination. Her eyes sparkled with defiance and pride.
As she accepted her award, her speech echoed through the hall. She spoke with an unfiltered honesty that sent ripples through the audience. "This is for everyone who's been told they're too much," she said, her voice unwavering. "Too loud, too bold, too unconventional. Keep being you."
I was leaning forward in my seat, captivated by her confidence. Here was someone who had been knocked down publicly and yet stood taller than ever before. Her resilience was amazing, radiating from her every word and gesture.
Later that night, as I watched from a distance, Iseul flitted among the other artists and industry insiders. She laughed loudly, throwing her head back with abandon, completely unbothered by the whispers that followed her every move. It was clear she didn't fit into any mold—and she didn't care to.
Her song had been playing on repeat in my mind since its release. The lyrics were raw and unapologetic, a direct hit at those who had wronged her. "You never could make me scream anyway," she'd sung with such conviction that it felt like a personal triumph for everyone who'd ever been underestimated.
Frankly, I admired her boldness and her utter disregard for what anyone thought about her. It wasn't just about the scandal or the comeback; it was about how she owned every part of her journey—flaws and all.
As the night wore on, I caught glimpses of Iseul here and there—her infectious laughter, her animated conversations—but I kept my distance. Approaching her felt impossible; what could I possibly say to someone who seemed so untouchable?
Still, something about her drew me in like a moth to a flame. Her presence was magnetic; she was a force of nature in an industry that often tried to tame its wildest spirits and drained you for all you were worth.
The next morning, as I scrolled through social media over breakfast, I saw post after post about Iseul's victory speech and performance from the night before. Fans praised her courage and authenticity while critics dissected every word she said—but none could deny that she'd made an impact.
From that moment on, I followed Iseul's career more closely than I'd like to admit—each new song release felt like it solidified her place as an idol. Someone totally unique who brought something different to the table than all the cookie-cutter pop singers she out-competed on the daily.
I admired how she continued pushing boundaries despite facing constant scrutiny from both fans and media alike; it took guts—and talent—to thrive under such pressure without losing yourself along the way.
And so began my silent admiration for Kwon Iseul—the girl who refused to be silenced or defined by anyone else's standards but her own.
***
One Month Ago
The backstage area is its usual zoo, and I'm able to slip into the sea of artists and celebrities with a small wave or shout of acknowledgement here and there. I don't mind hosting, but I also don't volunteer for it often. The real reason I took on the hosting gig tonight has just left me with thoughts spinning round my head. Iseul.
Her presence is like a gravitational force, drawing everyone in, including me.
After our brief interaction, I'm even more intrigued. Her confidence, her unapologetic attitude—it's rare in this industry. Most people are too afraid to rock the boat. But Iseul? She doesn't just rock it; she capsizes it.
I can't stop thinking about her as I navigate through the rest of the night. The conversations around me blur into background noise as my mind fixates on our brief encounter. I need to know more about her, but how? It's not like I can just walk up to her and ask for her number. That would be too obvious, too risky.
It comes to me after a while. I have connections—friends who know friends who know Iseul. Discreetly gathering information is something I've done before, though never with this level of personal interest.
Over the next couple of hours, I make some subtle inquiries. Nothing too direct; I don't want to raise any suspicions. My friends are more than willing to help, curious about my sudden interest in Iseul, but not enough to pry.
I learn bits and pieces. The more I find out, the more captivated I become. She's not just a pretty face with a scandalous past; she's a force of nature who has clawed her way back to the top.
Eventually, I get what I'm looking for: her contact details. My heart races as I stare at my phone screen, thumb hovering over the call button.
Taking a deep breath, I press the button and wait as it rings. The sound feels like an eternity until finally—"Hello?"
"Iseul, hi! It's Jaewook." I say, trying to keep my tone casual despite my racing heart.
There's a pause on the other end before she responds. "Jaewook? How did you get my number?"
"Uh … I may have asked around a little," I chuckle nervously. "Should I not have?"
We talk for what feels like hours but is probably only minutes—about music, life in the industry, and everything in between. She's as candid over the phone as she was on stage, and it's refreshing.
After my date with Iseul and the night we had, I realize just how guarded I've kept my heart all these years—how much I've avoided letting anyone get too close out of fear or self-preservation or whatever excuse seemed valid at the time.
But with Iseul? It feels different—it feels right.
Yet reality crashes back in as I think about the implications of what happened last night.
Can I really afford to be involved with someone like her? My heart says yes—she's captivating, genuine, and unlike anyone I've ever met. But my mind warns me of the potential fallout. The media would have a field day if they found out about us.
In the shower, I let the hot water run over me, trying to wash away my doubts. I can't deny my growing feelings for Iseul. She's more than just her public persona; she's resilient, talented, and unapologetically herself. But being with her means stepping into the spotlight in a way I've always avoided.
By the time I'm dressed and ready to leave, I've made up my mind about one thing: our encounter needs to stay a secret, at least for now. It's not just about protecting my reputation; it's about shielding Iseul from further scrutiny. She's already been through enough.
As I drive back to Seoul, I think about how to navigate this delicate situation. Keeping our relationship under wraps will be challenging, but necessary. I'll need to be discreet, careful not to draw any unwanted attention.
Over the next few days, I throw myself into work—meetings with directors, script readings, photo shoots. It's a welcome distraction from my internal conflict. But no matter how busy I am, thoughts of Iseul keep creeping in. Her laughter echoes in my mind during quiet moments; her defiant spirit inspires me more than I'd like to admit.
***
Present
After my second date with Iseul, I'm on cloud nine. Her spontaneity is a breath of fresh air. Everyone in our world is always so cautious, so calculated. Everyone with a spotlight shining on them has a habit of being hyper-vigilant and careful not to step a toe out of line in fear of a scandal. That's obviously not the case with Iseul. She's unfiltered, unapologetically herself, and I'm fascinated by it. As I step into my apartment, the familiar surroundings take the tense scrutiny of the outside world off my shoulders. I toss my keys onto the table and flop onto the couch, sinking into the cushions.
The day's warmth still clings to me, a reminder of the sun-soaked hours spent with Iseul. My phone buzzes with messages from friends and work-related notifications, but I ignore them for now. Instead, I close my eyes and let my mind wander back to her laughter, the way she looked at me. Daring and fearless, and so damn sexy, I can feel myself getting hard just thinking of it.
Just as I'm about to drift into a pleasant reverie, the doorbell rings. I sit up, momentarily disoriented. I wasn't expecting anyone. With a sigh, I push myself off the couch and head to the door.
When I open it, I'm met with a familiar face—Seonho. He grins wide when he sees me, dark eyes full of their usual mischief.
"What—" I stop and tip my head to one side curiously.
"Surprise," he says with a wink.
I step aside to let him in. As soon as he kicks off his shoes, Seonho steps forward and kisses me without warning. It's not just a peck; it's deep and familiar. My initial surprise melts into something warmer as I kiss him back.
When we finally pull apart, I'm breathless but grinning. "You could've told me you were coming."
"Eh, I like to keep you on your toes," Seonho teases, brushing off my comment like it's nothing.
He makes himself at home immediately, heading straight for the kitchen like he owns the place. He doesn't even ask anymore; he knows exactly where everything is. He pours himself a drink and then helps himself to some snacks from the pantry.
"Do you not have food in that multi-million Won penthouse of yours?" I ask, leaning against the counter and watching him with amusement.
"It tastes better when it's pilfered," he replies cheekily before taking a sip of his Milkis and then rips open a bag of shrimp chips with his teeth.
Though his appearance is unexpected, I feel the smile forming on my lips, nonetheless. There's no use in trying to curb him. What's mine is his in Seonho's mind. This routine is a familiar dance between the two of us. Seonho is used to and unoffended by my sudden silences and abrupt trips for work. He somehow always seems to know when I'm back home without being told and appears when he feels the need. It's our dynamic, and it's worked for nearly three years now.
"So how was Fiji?" Seonho asks casually as he pops a shrimp chip into his mouth.
"It was great," I reply, still feeling the afterglow of that trip with Iseul. "Really great."
Seonho glances at me and arches a dark brow. "Didn't you like have to drop everything and fly halfway across the world overnight then memorize an entirely new script in two days?"
"Ah, well." I rub the back of my neck self-consciously. "That wasn't so great, I'll admit. But the cast and crew were great, and so was the location."
"Mm. You've got a nice tan going for you," Seonho notes with approval.
"Right, I'm almost as dark as you now," I shoot him a playful look. I'm only joking. Seonho's known for being a little darker-skinned than most idols, and in Korean culture that's usually a negative trait, but Seonho's always been quite proud of it. He has natural beauty, and he's never been interested in changing it to fit the Kpop beauty standards. He's like Iseul in that way. Both of them are not interested in trying to be anyone but themselves. Maybe that's why I like them both so much.
"Uh uh. That's my trademark thing," Seonho says, waving a finger at me. "But I am looking forward to seeing you run shirtless down a beach on national TV."
I snort loudly. "You want other people to see me half-naked? Should I be offended that you're not angry and possessive?"
"Why should I be?" Seonho steps around the kitchen island and cocks a brow as he stands in front of me. He's only about an inch or two shorter than I am, but he still has to tip his head back slightly to look at me, brown hair sliding artfully over his forehead.
He gets a wicked grin on his face as he reaches out and runs his thumb along my bottom lip. "Don't you know I get off on the thought of everyone wanting you? Wanting what's mine?"
I grip his wrist and give him an arched look. "Who's claiming who?"
Seonho grins back at me. "It's been so long. I think I've forgotten how it goes."
I slip a hand behind his head, gripping a handful of hair and tipping his head back. "I think I'd better remind you then."
Seonho's eyes glitter with invitation. This time I hold him captive as I kiss him, exploring his mouth with my tongue, domineering and sure.
Seonho looks victorious when I pull back, and I see the challenge written on his face. I jerk my head toward the bedroom.
"Go on," I command. "Let's see if you can remember how to get yourself ready for me."
Seonho rolls his eyes but turns and starts to walk toward the bedroom. I grab the glass of water I left on the counter and relieve my dry throat and then say to Seonho's retreating back, "And go rinse your mouth out. You taste like shrimp chips."
Seonho cackles as he ducks into the bedroom. I grin helplessly and shake my head, but then glance at the skyline of Seoul out the living room windows. I'm hard for Seonho now when I was hard for Iseul just a few minutes ago. That's new. But there's only one way to relieve it right now. I set down my glass and wheel around, hurrying to catch up to Seonho.
***
Later, after I've showered, I walk back out into my bedroom and watch Seonho sprawled across my mattress, the duvet the only thing shielding his naked hips from view.
Seonho and I have an understanding. Our relationship is only monogamous when it comes to men. We're both bi, and we both date women on the side, but so far neither of us has ever had a serious relationship with a woman. We've never discussed what would happen if we did, and now I'm wondering.
It's premature to say that I have something serious with Iseul, but I can't deny that what I have with her is different. She fills my thoughts and circulates my deepest fantasies in a way no other woman ever has. In fact, the way Iseul makes me feel is not so different from how it was with Seonho in the beginning.
I don't know what that means to me and Seonho. I don't date very often, and my past is filled with short and usually meaningless flings with women that were more just for fun and to satisfy the side of my sexuality that Seonho can't. Seonho's had more long-term relationships, and yet, none of them have ever been serious enough for him to tell them he's also in a committed relationship with another man.
I don't know the protocol for how to do this. I'm not sure if I should wait until I'm certain of where things are going with Iseul or if I should speak to Seonho about it now. That would be the smart thing to do. That would be what a good partner would do. Be honest.
Maybe it's fear of the unknown that keeps me from going through with it. A small part of me is afraid if I tell Seonho there's a woman I might consider having a committed relationship with that it would change something between me and Seonho. And maybe I'm a coward, because I just can't bring myself to do it.
Seonho and I know our relationship can never be public. Korea's changing, slowly, and starting to accept more open-minded views of social and gender norms, but it's not quite there yet. Sadly, the scandal that a top idol like Seonho and a prominent actor like me being in a same-sex relationship would create would almost certainly spell the death of both of our careers. It's our most zealously guarded secret, one that we're both in agreement can never, ever get out.
I have never had a problem with this. I like loving Seonho in total privacy and I have no need for the rest of the world to have an opinion on it. The people closest to us who matter are aware, and that's all we need.
What Seonho and I have is easy. It's protected from our world. And the sanctity of it is built upon the trust we have in each other. I don't know if I'm ready to complicate that by bringing my yet-unknown feelings for Iseul into it. Having a public relationship with her would be its own circus, but one that, in comparison, I'd have no problem fighting my way through to keep her. But does she feel the same way?
If I were her, I'd be pretty jaded right about now. Maybe she doesn't want anything serious. Maybe she's not interested in having something she wants the world to know about. Until I know for sure, I want this peaceful bubble I have with Seonho to remain untainted and whole. I just hope I'm not making a mistake.