The morning shined bright—wait a sec, we're in hell. It's always bright here. Time to get up! You see, hell is a pretty cool place. Maybe y'all should visit us sometime. We won't charge you anything, and you'll stay here with us forever. This place is way better than that boring heaven, I swear—WTF? Why the hell am I in heaven?
You see what I did there? *wink* Never mind that. The blue, calm sea, the shining bright sun, and those melodies playing in the background... and the floor is made of clouds. I am definitely in heaven. I am so screwed if God sees me.
As I floated on a fluffy cloud, trying to wrap my head around how I got here, a figure approached. She was dressed in white robes with a halo so bright it could give you a sunburn. "Welcome to Heaven," she said, her voice like a chorus of angels. "How can I assist you today?"
"Oh, I think there's been a mistake," I said, trying to sound casual while hiding my horns under a conveniently placed cloud. "I'm supposed to be in hell. You know, fire, brimstone, eternal suffering, that sort of thing."
She raised an eyebrow. "Really? Most people would give anything to be here."
"Yeah, well, I'm not most people," I replied. "I've got... commitments down there. Friends, family, a pet cerberus named Fluffy."
Her eyes widened. "A cerberus named Fluffy?"
"Yeah, he's a sweetheart once you get to know him," I said, smiling nostalgically. "But I digress. How do I get back?"
The angelic figure pondered for a moment. "Well, it's not every day someone wants to leave heaven. I'll have to check with the higher-ups."
"Great," I muttered under my breath. "Just great."
As she floated away, I decided to take a look around. I mean, it's not every day you get to see heaven, right? The place was stunning. Crystal-clear rivers, fields of flowers, and an overall sense of peace that was almost unnerving. Everywhere I turned, there were angels playing harps, people lounging on clouds, and the occasional choir breaking into spontaneous hymn.
I spotted a particularly fluffy cloud and decided to sit down. "Okay," I told myself. "Just keep a low profile until you can get out of here."
I looked around and saw a group of angels gathered around a table, deep in conversation. One of them noticed me and waved me over. "Hey there! New arrival?" he asked, beaming with enthusiasm.
"Uh, yeah, sort of," I said, walking over cautiously. "Name's Lucifer. Friends call me Lucy."
"Nice to meet you, Lucy! I'm Gabriel, and these are Michael and Raphael." They all smiled warmly, which made me even more nervous.
"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Oh, we do all sorts of things," Gabriel said. "Singing, flying, cloud sculpting, you name it!"
"Cloud sculpting?" I asked, intrigued.
"Yeah, check this out!" Raphael said, waving his hand. A nearby cloud transformed into a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower.
"Wow, that's impressive," I said, genuinely amazed. "Back in hell, we mostly just roast marshmallows over the eternal flames and tell ghost stories."
"Sounds... interesting," Michael said diplomatically.
Suddenly, the angel who greeted me earlier returned, looking a bit flustered. "Lucy, I have some news. It seems there was a clerical error. You're not supposed to be here."
"Tell me something I don't know," I said, rolling my eyes. "How do I get back?"
"Well, we need to go through the proper channels, but it shouldn't take long," she assured me.
"Fine," I sighed. "In the meantime, I'll just... blend in."
As I wandered around, trying to avoid attention, I couldn't help but notice how different heaven was from hell. No screams of torment, no rivers of lava, and definitely no Fluffy. It was peaceful, almost too peaceful. I missed the chaos, the unpredictability, the... fun of hell.
Just as I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get back, a familiar voice called out, "Hey, Lucy!"
I turned around to see my old friend Beelzebub, looking just as out of place as I felt. "Beelzy? What are you doing here?"
"Same as you, apparently," he said with a shrug. "Some mix-up with the paperwork. I was supposed to be torturing souls and next thing I know, I'm here."
"Great, just great," I said, shaking my head. "Well, at least I'm not alone."
"Yeah, but we need to get out of here before they figure out who we really are," Beelzebub said, looking around nervously.
"Agreed," I said. "Let's find a way back."
We wandered through heaven, trying to avoid the more populated areas. It wasn't long before we stumbled upon a large golden gate guarded by two towering angels.
"That's our ticket out," Beelzebub whispered.
"But how do we get past them?" I asked.
"Leave that to me," he said with a mischievous grin. "Follow my lead."
Beelzebub approached the guards confidently. "Greetings, fellow celestial beings!" he said, with a bow. "We're on a special assignment from the big guy upstairs. Need to inspect the gate for... security purposes."
The guards looked skeptical. "Security purposes?"
"Yes, you know, make sure it's secure and all that," Beelzebub said, flashing his most charming smile.
The guards exchanged a glance. "Alright, but make it quick," one of them said, stepping aside.
We hurried through the gate and found ourselves back in the familiar fiery landscape of hell. I let out a sigh of relief. "Home sweet home."
Beelzebub grinned. "Never thought I'd be so happy to see the pits of despair."
"Tell me about it," I said, looking around. "Hey, there's Fluffy!"
My three-headed dog bounded over, tails wagging enthusiastically. "Good boy, Fluffy! Did you miss me?"
"Woof!" Fluffy barked, all three heads in unison.
As I petted Fluffy, I looked over at Beelzebub. "You know, today wasn't so bad after all. A little adventure, a little excitement."
"Yeah," he agreed. "But let's not make a habit of visiting heaven, okay?"
"Deal," I said with a laugh. "Now, who's up for some marshmallows?"
I forgot to torture souls and didn't discuss the budget for new torture devices with Asmodeus like Satan told me to. But we can do that later—we have all the time in the world. Well, in hell, technically. Hegehawhaw! Marshmallows are tasty as heck. Heaven wasn't that bad, but if I get to choose, I'll always pick hell. And you should too!