June 27, 2023
I sweat while jogging forward – through the corridor. No, there was no way I could find it – an empty classroom. It was already late, if ma'am takes now… we will have to go to lunch very later.
My phone rings as I go towards the staff room.
"Hello, will class be there?" my classmate on the other side asks, but before I can answer – he speaks again. "Cancel it please, why simply."
Right, of course, as if it were that simple. But these guys… they expected me to be the maestro or something over a CR.
"No bro, I'll ask ma'am to take at normal time only. After the lunch break."
And saying this I enter the staff room and go to ma'am's cabin – while cutting the call. And I explain it to her, she understands and agrees.
My phone rings again, before I can call my friend. A different classmate this time.
"Is this the CR?" a mean tone of a voice asks.
"Yes."
"Come to our class soon."
"What? Why?"
"Just come. I need to tell you something." And the call cuts.
And while gasping I reach towards our classroom. I had everyone's numbers… but I wasn't quite sure how this particular classmate looked. But I peep in… these were my classmates surely – but it was awkward to not know which one called me. What a great CR I was.
"HEY!" I hear a thundering voice from the opposite corner of the classroom, as I try to leave – while unlocking my phone to call the person.
I see a bunch of students I had honestly never seen before. But I go towards them, nudging them to move and get in-between, to talk to the lady who had called me – who was sitting down. Her expression was… of someone quite displeased.
"Are you toying with us?" she asks.
"What?" I ask, still trying to catch my breath. I rip my facemask off my face, and breath while moving up and down.
"You once say we'll have class. And once say we don't. We had gone to eat lunch, and had to race back."
…The timing between both the texts were five minutes. And usually we took that much time to exit the college. She claims they went and came? Interesting.
"I'm not the one who decides," I declare.
"You're the one putting up the texts though."
"But I only do as ma'am asks of me."
"And what about our opinions? What about our time?"
With all due respect, I have never seen you before.
"You should say no to ma'am, when she says class should be preponed," one of her friend says.
"I only went with it because then we will be let go sooner."
"Yeah, you're only thinking about yourself, buddy."
"How is that-"
I end up rushing into the washroom and punch the wall out of frustration. The whole thing was a no-brainer argument. So… this is how being a CR is. She was senseless and just onto her damned point. Useless point.
December 20, 2023
I enter the gates of my college, and start walking in the fastest of my walking – which didn't look neither like jogging or running. People say I walk pretty fast… well, I… had to.
As I walk my usual route: I see a few familiar faces. And I wish I don't get recognised… I don't really fancy human interaction by that much. But as the second law of thermodynamics states… everything across the universe, tends to have an increased entropy.
I get called by one person, some small talk about information I wasn't quite aware of.
"Oye CR!" I get called, and when I turn to my right… I see that lady again, the lady who had called me that day. "Come here."
I look at the person I'm talking to, who just nods to me. So I walk up to this lady… ah, she must be a badminton player or something… or just a show-off.
"Did you get the teacher changed for Microwave class?"
"No…" where the heck would she get that idea from? "Sir informed me that instead of ma'am, he'll be taking the class. I just informed." I'm just a messenger, not some messiah.
"No," she says, while looking at her racket and lifting it in between us… she was sitting on the bench, while I was standing. "We want ma'am."
"That isn't in my hand. I only said what sir asked me to."
"Are you crazy?" she asks, while glaring at me. "You know the kind of teacher he is? He is too much. Can't you understand? Why would-"
Another no-brainer. I'm only a messenger. But she screams at me and technically threatens me with the racket in-between us. But I stand my ground.
I don't punch a wall… I should be punching her though. But… I don't. Only if she weren't a girl.
July 3, 2024
Apparently exam times suck. Not even about us having the exam. It could be anyone's. Out management sucked, our classrooms turned to exam hall and we had to evacuate… it was a total sucky suck.
When asked where we should be sitting, the management just replied with "well, the exam is for one hour. Just have a break at that time." Easy for you to say.
Our professors were different however… such bad teachers. This lady barely took any classes… and even then her classes were… a bunch of bullshit. Who makes them as professors?
"Hello ma'am, we are in A306," I inform the teacher on call, and then text the same to the class' unofficial group.
A306 was quite… compact. Too small. I count the number of seats… it could only hold 42 people – but the class strength was 56. Then again… I believed in my classmates… they wouldn't have come.
The 'teacher' or whatever to call her… enters the class with some swag or style… an attempt at least. She was… such a show-off. She looks at the strength and makes a comment on it.
"CR, can't you ask everyone to come? I can't teach to lesser strength."
Can't you not be a jerk, and actually teach sometimes? It wouldn't have been the case if your classes were actually interesting… oh well, not many were interested in the topics anyways. They just wanted the marks, even with sloppy attempts of theirs to gain it.
People keep coming in, and even that lady with her racket enters… wow, what a show off. I hated each moment of whenever I had to see her. And as for the seats… I see that we cut close to 40 yet – because why not. Make my life more miserable.
But, I don't get asked to find a new classroom. Couple more students who enter – just bring chairs from other classrooms and just adjust here.
"Okay, I corrected some of your mid-term papers, and you guys haven't written properly," the professor says.
Of course she'd blame us for it. And not see how all she talked of was co-relate each bits of everything we had to learn – to love stories. Randomly selecting a student and pairing them with some imaginary-badly-named girl, and giving weird analogies.
What did she think people would do in response to those cringe stories?
"So I'll give you important questions. You'll get sixty percent of marks through these…"
This wasn't the first course she took. And this wasn't the first time she herself leaked the paper to us… how does she even get away? Last time I wasn't a CR… this time… could I even do something…
'We won't have the 12:05 class', I text to the group – after seeing the message from our next session's professor. And after doing so I balance my pen by its clip, upon three round magnets at the top of my blue box – as my classmates start leaving the class.
"Oye, you can't say sooner?" I hear her voice again… and breathe a hard breath before looking at her. "Why do you keep doing this?"
The professor had left us… after her bullshit. And this lady… with her dumb 'follower'-friends or whatever, was here – by my bench.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Can't you hear me?"
"I'm the CR," I declare.
She glares at me, before collecting her reply. "And you think too highly of yourself. You keep doing things the way you want, whatever benefits you."
"Just because it doesn't fit to you, doesn't mean it benefits me. Go to the teacher with your query," I say, getting up. But the lady pushes me down to my chair.
"Oye…" she says, slashing her racket across the desk in front of me – making my balanced pen collapse. "Why are you showing so much ego and all? You think you're some authority… but do you also have the wrong idea of us being your slaves and listening to you without saying anything?"
"Did you just push me?"
"This is what happens when you do things like-"
I punch to her nose, and shove her away. Her glare at me turns wider and she lifts his racket. As she slashes her racket towards me, I push it away by putting my arm in between… but I had calculated it all wrong, it still hits my knuckle and makes me flinch.
I kick my leg towards her once, then again and again. Her friends try to grab me, but I push them away with my hands and still make my move towards her. But I was outnumbered, they succeed in shoving me back into one of the bench's edges – and I take a moment to recollect myself.
"You mother-"
The lady pushes her fist towards my jaw. And her racket meets my cheek. Her friends join-in to punch and kick towards me. And I fall to the ground.
"Stay in your fucking limits," she tells me, while pushing my face upwards with her racket.
July 16, 2024
"Humph," the professor says, as she places my answer booklet on her table – in front of where I'm standing. "Your whole class, and you too."
A twenty-two… for fifty. No. This was the easiest of subjects. Even with all the bullshit love stories she preached in class… I read. I read for this. How could she… this wasn't even half the marks.
"Ma'am… no…" I say.
"Huh? What? I read each line. And I can tell you how off-topic you went. You didn't write what was asked. You just wrote some other things."
"But I wrote… related stuff, ma'am."
"And? I asked specific questions. You didn't write the way I asked you to. Stories you wrote."
"But ma'am…"
"Are you begging for a few marks? I'll just give you a few. Show me which question you believe you should get in. You don't study, but just want marks."
"Ma'am, no… but I read."
"Then where are the proper answers? Even in the lab you laze around, I have seen you. Just chit-chatting and laughing."
"Ma'am no… I do do the experiments. I have done it. I know lab. Clearly."
"Oh is that so?" she asks, getting up, and grabs my hand.
She takes me out of her cabin, and out of the staffroom. Then we cross the bridge between buildings to get to the next building, which is connected to the other – where we go. She opens the door to the lab, and the lab assistant gets up after seeing us. The professor pushes me in front of a table.
"Explain to me this setup."
I look at the table, and then back at the lab assistant who is looking this way.
"Leave us alone for a moment," she tells the lab assistant. "Sir might be nervous behind that mask of his. We can't know."
All these people had a problem with my mask. And ignoring the core problem in themselves.
The lab assistant leaves us.
"Okay sir, now tell your clear knowledge on this. You told me you know right."
Did she herself know? Possibly not. How would she even know if I'm right? She even sent the lab assistant – who knows way better than her.
But she… the audacity… I had to show my strength.
"Okay this here is the power supply for Reflex Klystron. And it sends an AC wave called beam voltage, which goes to the Reflex Klystron. There is a cooling fan because the Klystron heats up-"
"-why does it heat up?"
"Because of the voltage… ma'am."
"Then for other electronic components why don't we use fans in other labs? Is it high voltage?"
"No ma'am. It is higher frequency."
"Say that."
"Okay ma'am, next is isolator. Which makes sure the wave doesn't reflect back into input-"
"-then what does Klystron do?"
"It… beams to voltage ma'am. It… uses velocity modulation."
I don't see an expression on her face. She couldn't actually know what all these were.
"Then variable attenuator for reducing power of the input ma'am. Then frequency meter to see the frequency-"
"See?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Not change?"
"That too ma'am. I was getting to that."
"Yeah, yeah… you'll get to that after getting into a fight with another girl. All you northies keep picking fights after coming here!"
I stay silent, and she keeps staring at me. So I continue. "And then slotted beam-"
"-no. You are just telling me stories. This won't work. Just saying one or the other thing won't work. Antenna lab isn't for this. The viva is tough for this. Don't act like you know everything. You don't."
"And you do?" I ask out loud, and realise it too late.
"Aye… what do you think of yourself, asshole?" she asks me.
"Sorry… ma'am."
"What, you think I'm a joker? You don't know the kind of person I am. You think you're some scary person? I have suspended many people like you, and been suspended myself in my school and college days. What cock and all you're showing?"
"Ma'am… with all due respect… that's not something to boast about."
"You mother-"
She pushes me to the table with the Klystron.
"Great. You are destroying the components now. You have to pay for it. Do you know how much it costs?"
I take the long metallic tube setup of the Klystron… and swing it to her face. And she staggers to the side. She looks at me holding the setup, and then feels her cheek to check for blood – she had a bleeding cut.
"You…"
She… I had seen her post…s he had posted about some boxing stuff. She might be a boxer or must be training for it. And she was older than me… by at least five years.
As she comes forward I smack at her with the lengthy setup again. And again. And again. Until it breaks. No… yet I continue. Until I stand there, as she lies on the ground – in the state I was in, about two weeks ago. She didn't have people behind her, like that student did.
"I could… punch you more. And feel good. I'll enjoy it," I say. "But…" I duck down to her level. "In torture you'll live. And I don't want you alive. You… bug! I have no interest in your Lowly Screams."
"You… your career is over," she tells me, putting her hand in-between us.
She was a professor. And I… wanted to… kill her. I…
"No," I say, dropping the tube in my hand "What have I done? I… no one should… know. This can't happen. You… even killing you won't solve this."
"Yes. You're done for. Being a class representative and all… this is how you represent your class? You're done."
"No," I say, and look outside the room – no one was there. Even inside the room, there were only components. And that window with… a window. Yes. We were… on the first floor.
I stumble my heavy legs to the window, and stand there – not caring for the professor I had just beat up.
Yes. Two basement floors. A total of three floors. This gap… if I only were to fall through here… would it be enough? No… yes… I should fall face first. I should…
I climb the wall, and hold the window frame to look down. It was dark down there, so my fear of heights doesn't really kick-in. There was a little construction at the lowest part… yes… I should… fall onto those metal roads.
I free fall. I let go… I put my face first… my neck should snap. It'll… be over. It'll be over. It'll be over. It'll all be over. It'll be okay. It's okay. It'll be fixed now. Yes. I didn't mess up. It is done. I… reach… AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
MY HEAD. MY NECK. MY ARMS. MY… JAW… MY NOSE…. I CANT BREATH… I'M BREATHING!!!! WHY AM I ALIVE???? I SHOULDN'T BE… IT HURTS SO MUCH!??! WHY DIDN'T I FALL PROPERLY?? IT HURTS. MY EARS.
I SOB LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. I CRY. I WHINE IN PAIN. IT HASN'T ENDED. NO. I WAS ALIVE. I MIGHT BLEED OUT. I MIGHT BE SAVED. NO. I CAN'T BE! I SHOULDN'T!!!
I LOOK AROUND, AS MY EYES TRY TO FOCUS. I FIND MYSELF STRUCK AT THE CENTRE OF ALL THESE METAL RODS. YES. THESE… THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL ME. I BANG MY HEAD AROUND BUT IT ONLY HURTS, WHY DON'T I LET GO??? I NEED TO FUCKING DIE!
I GET UP. MY LEGS WERE QUITE OKAY. I FIND STRENGTH IN THE PAIN. ONLY IF I PUSHED MYSELF… THERE WOULDN'T BE THIS PAIN AND MISERY. PLEASE. BEFORE I FORM HOPES. I SHOULD'NT LIVE! I NEED TO RESTART OR WHATEVER. I CAN'T STAY HERE. I HAVE FUCKED IT ALL UP. IT IS DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN. MY LIFE NEEDS TO END. FUCK ME. FIGHTING THAT GIRL WAS OKAY BUT THIS, I CAN'T LIVE AFTER THIS!
I CLIMB SOMEHOW. MY SKIN SCRAPES ACROSS THE CEMENT WALLS, AND I PUSH MYSELF AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE. I HAD TO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I DID IT… I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD. BUT I HAD TO.
I LOOK STRAIGHT AT THE METAL RODS BELOW ME, AIMED PARALLEL TO MY EYES. IF I JUST LET GO… MY HEAD WOULD… YES… STRAIGHT INTO IT. YES. FINA-
I don't fucking know when
I find serene darkness. Amidst which I don't feel any pain. I move my hands to my face… I don't feel anything. I don't… feel my skin. Where was… my arm? My… legs… I can't… lift myself up.
"Hello," I see someone and try to move… but I can't. "Oh don't worry. I'm just A Barber. Just… checking in."
I just look at him and tear up. I… couldn't scream. One of my eye was gone. My body felt dismembered – cause it was. And this guy…
He comes closer to me and whispers. "Can I please see you bleed? I promise you won't die. You can't… scream at least. The other one used to… but he went missing. Now you can be my fix. Stay good, yes?"