The holiday ended with the palpitation. I was trying to deal with the home assignment in the evening. Mamma called me from the kitchen. "Oh Ratis! Come to have meal." Washing my hands I entered the kitchen. Mamma prepared the dish for me. Without producing a single word I started to eat.
Mamma said,"Look son, what was supposed to happen it happened. Now leave it. Tommorrow, when you reach college, convince Suravi in better way. You've to quit your relationship." After saying it, Mamma also started to eat. I didn't speak. I entered my own room after finishing my dinner.
I tried to study but my mind could not concentrate a little bit. So, I moved to the bed and rested with my eyes wide open. My mind started to be dissolved in ongoing thoughts. "What should I do now? Should I say about these to Suravi? And how to say? And is it a correct decision to leave her?" Thinking about all these I couldnot make any decision. Tides of thoughts was disturbing my mind but when I fell asleep, I couldn't remember.
It was Sunday morning. I reached upto Koteswor taking lift from a friend on his bike. He dropped me there and rushed towards his destination. I stood for a while beside the building of Kantipur Publication. I didn't feel like to go upto the hostel of Suravi that day. I extended my legs directly towards the college. I left a small text on her number. "I have reached the college a bit earlier today. I am sorry I could not be there to receive you. We will meet in the college. Be here in time."
After entering the classroom I kept my bag on the desk and went to the library. I didn't ask for the books, instead I engaged myself reading the newspaper. After few minutes, Suravi entered the library. I had already noticed her entrance through the mirror infront of me but hadn't turned towards her. Suravi might have thought that I hadn't noticed her. She slowly approached towards me and covered my eyes with her hands from my back. I didn't try to take out her hands from my eyes instead I pinched near her waist.
"Ouch! how did you know that it is me?" Suravi said removing her hands from my eyes. "I can smell you dear. I can kiss your presence even if I am dead." I said. "Do not pretend to be oversmart. I know that you saw me from that mirror." Suravi said with a pleasant smile on her face. "Hehe, you're quite smart." I said. "Not more than you. And why didn't you come to hostel today?" she said. "Oh, I am so sorry. I came on one of my friend's bike and arrived a bit earlier so I entered to the college directly instead waiting you outside the gate of your hostel." I said. "Okay, let's get down to the classroom. It's time for lecture." She said. "Okay, let's go." I said.
We left the library and got down to the classroom. My mind started to produce thoughts. "What will happen to Suravi who seems happier and secure holding my hands when I will say her that our relationship will last no longer. No, I won't tell her. But, I have been ordered to quit our relationship by my parents." "Ratis, what are you thinking about? And I feel you are stressed." Suravi said. Perhaps, she had observed my face. "I am thinking about nothing." I said as I didn't want to say her about the matter. "No, there is something wrong. See, if you try to hide anything from me I won't talk to you." she said.
Suravi started to force me. "There is nothing serious like that. But, I will talk to you about it while returning home." I said. "Okay, but talk to me about it in the evening." She said. "Okay." I said. Suravi produced a pleasant smile on her face and took out dairy milk from her bag. She handed it to me. I took the chocolate and turned towards the white board at once. I controlled the tears about to drop from my eyes. The day ended in tension. I couldn't concentrate in study.
After the college hour was over I along with her reached upto her hostel. She was trying to flirt as usual but I wasn't in mood instead my mind was suffering from a strange hallucination. I was feeling as if I was a murderer. As I was going to kill, yes I was going to kill the embryo of my first love, trust of Suravi towards me and I was going to kill my words given towards her.
We reached near the gate of her hostel. Suravi gave me a tight hug as usual. Perhaps, she felt my strongly pumping heartbeat, she detached herself from my chest and said,"What has happened to you Ratis today? You were in stress throughout the day and you were about to say something in the evening and it is the moment. Please tell me what is the matter?"
My mind was about to brust with the pressure. I couldn't figure out what to do. "If I don't say it right now then when to say? But how to say about it to her. What will Suravi do after listening about it? Could she control her?" I had numerous doubts within myself. I closed my eyes for a while and took a couple of long breathe inside and threw it outside. The board examination of grade eleven was knocking at the door but also with some courage I told her everything. I said,"Suravi, I haven't tried to break your trust towards me. You yourself suggest me. What should I do?"
Listening to me the glow of her face faded away and she seemed a bit serious. She said,"I knew this would likely to be happened. Is being from low caste my fault?" Then she entered inside her hostel, she didn't turn towards me. Before she entered the hostel I had looked to her face. Her eyes were full of tears. Watching her with tears, I couldn't remain without making my eyes wet.
I couldn't figure out what to do. My heart was burning with pain. I don't know what kind of heat was that. I, who always used to be proud being a brahmin regretted a lot that day of being a brahmin. This brahmin suffocated me a lot that moment.
I reached home. Neither I was feeling hungry nor tired. Even I wasn't feeling like sleeping. Whatever I had was a big pain inside my chest. "What I did? Did I do right or was I wrong? Showing her dreams and breaking that dream at instant I left her in the mid way of the journey. How much she loves me! Is getting birth in so called lower caste is her mistake? Who made this caste system and why? Today, I committed a great sin. But, I am also not that much guilty as I am worrying about. Then who is guilty in this case? Is suravi guilty? By having faith on me did she committed crime?"
My mind was full of such thoughts. I was totally in grief.
I was thinking to send her message but I couldn't. "I have not betrayed you Suravi. Really, I love you a lot." I wanted to say this but I couldn't.
The next day I reached the college as usual. The environment of college was not familiar as usual. It seemed as if someone was murdered. That day I wasn't feeling I was inside college instead I was somewhere in the hell. I entered the classroom at the third floor. Perhaps, I had reached a bit late. All of the classmates had already entered the room. I sat on the same bench as usual. The place where Suravi used to stay was vacant.
The smell of our love was flourished entirely within the college. There was a group of lads and ladies who used to burn their mind looking at our bond. I rotated my eyes around the classroom for once. I felt as if everyone was teasing me. Thenafter, I stayed staring at the whiteboard.
"Ratis" Susmita called me from my back. "Umm, What is the matter?" I asked her. She seemed a bit serious. She said,"Will you please walk outside along with me for a while? I have something to discuss about." "What do you want to discuss about? Can't we talk about it here inside classroom?" I said. "Hmm, I don't find it suitable to discuss inside classroom. The matter is quite serious and personal. So, let's go to canteen and talk." She said. "Okay, but the lecture is about to start." I said. "Few minutes is left for lecture. I will take only few moments. And we will return back." She said. "Okay then." I said.
We, I mean Susmita and I reached the canteen situated at the basement of college. We took an empty table and sat facing towards each other.
"Shall I order tea?" I asked her. "No, thank you." Susmita said and was still looking serious. I asked her,"Okay, Please tell me what is the matter? And where is Suravi today?" She said,"Actually, I was trying to talk about you two. Suravi is not feeling well." "What has happened to her? And why she didn't inform me about this? She could have called me." I said to her. "You must have known better than me what has happened." Susmita gave a strange reply to my question. I remained confused. I didn't speak.
She continued to speak. "Look Ratis, I know more about you and her. Not only I, everyone in our class knows about relationship between you and her. I wish best for her so I am talking all these to you. I had already warned her by the time she had talked about you. She took it lightly. I had already told her that it is time to study and think about career so don't be engaged in stupid relationship but she always used to talk about you. She used to say Ratis is like this, Ratis is like that, bla..bla..bla..
We used to be irritated listening to her stuffs. Furthermore, If you two had gone somewhere for date, she used to show all those snaps. She used to talk about everything. She is my room partner and our house is also near. Hence, I know her since childhood. She is a bit crazy and obstinate. She trusts others easily. She had talked to me at the time she was going to propose you. I had said to decide keeping her head cool. And when you two became closer enough, if anyone of the other girls in the hostel express that she loves you, Suravi use to quarrel with her.
Few days ago, I had clearly observed
her scolding Mamata so cruelly. But she is soft hearted, She herself pleaded her after a while. I just want to say that she is madly in love with you. But what is in your heart I don't know."
"I too love her more than myself." I said to her. "If you love her then why have you done this to her? Why did you say her to break up? Do you know what has she done?" She said. I got worried and became shocked. I remained silent for a while then asked her, "What has she done? Please, say it to me."
Susmita took a gentle pause on my face and said,"Last night, she kept the regulator of gas cylinder open for hours and this morning Warden snatched knife from her. She was about to cut her ribs. Had you ever thought about this? Tell me, what would happen if it was a bit late?"
I felt as if a big earthquake has just occurred. The land where I was siitting started to slide deeper. Volcano errupted few meters ahead. I became nervous and could no longer stay there. I left from there and as I was conscious enough to feel I found myself at my home.
"Whom to say?" I talked about all to my sweet mom. Mothers are the goddess of affection. She said,"Look my sweetheart, This is your time to study, so focus on studies. I will convince your Pa later. I am here always for you. So don't get worried. At first, you have to build your career, then everything will be fine."
After getting a little motivation from my mother, I felt quite easier. I thought I should speak about this to Suravi. Hence, I sent her a text message. I didn't know either it was delivered or not as I didn't get any reply.