How much my Pa used to care me and worry about me, I realized after then. Forgetting about the care of my parents I was moving behind the daughters of others who never cared me. I was really a fool. I was such a fool that I doubted in the love of my parents too. As a result I once talked nonsense to my Pa when he was trying to convince me seriously.
He said, "Look son, please do not waste your time. We have a good hope from you. Have you ever think what will happen to us if anything unlikely happen to you? And who will take care of us at our old age? I have listened that you are in bad company these days. Without telling a lie, say me what kind of substance do you take these days?"
I didn't take care of his other words. But I tried to think about only a question. "And who will take care of us at our old age?" I didn't answered his question. Instead, I kept my own question. I said,"Oh then you are showing me a fake love? You just raised me up for your old age security? You make me born just for taking care of you at your old age? This is only your desire from me? Aren't you selfish?"
Perhaps, I shouted as a insane. Hence, Pa said,"I am not living in your hope. I can fulfill my needs on my own till I live. You will regret a lot." Saying this much he left from my room.
I was suffocated from inside. Hence, I hit the tea table made up of glass with my left hand. The table was broken and few pieces of broken glass hurt my hand. The hand started to bleed. Perhaps, the sound was big enough, hence mamma ran straight towards my room. She started to weep with the eyes filled with tears and tried to clean my wound.
In a soft voice she said,"You better cut my neck instead of giving me such a pain. You gave me a good return of my care. Had I carried you on my back during your childhood and walked each day up and down from home to Suryabinayak to see this day?" "You better leave me alone. I am alright alone." I shouted instead of being silent. Mamma left the room with the eyes filled with tears. What I did I couldn't remember.
Cigarette and I, we lost in our own world. Wild and naked world. Our surreal world. Yes, we lost completely. The board examination was already over. The college was to be reopened from June. I roamed as a insane throughout the month of May. I smoked marijuana a little bit those days. Mamma and Pa must have known about my substance abuse till date. But, they hadn't told me anything.
Perhaps it was the last Saturday of June of 2011. I had gone to the market along with my Mamma. When I reached near the Suryabinayak chowk I said to her," I will roam around the market and return." Mamma went to the grocery story to purchase the household materials. I crossed the road and went a bit farther to roam around the market.
I love eating momos and chowmein. As I am vegeterian, I went to one of the newly opened momo center named V.I.P. momo house as there each and every varieties of momos were available. I went to the counter and bought few cigarettes. Then I ordered a plate of vegetable momos and a plate of vegetable chowmein. Then I walked up the staircase and reached upto the first floor as smoking was prohibited inside the ground floor. It took only half and hour for me to finish eating my snacks and smoking two of those cigarettes.
Then I payed the bill amount and left the momo house. I stand outside it nearby the road and started counting the people who were wearing green coloured uniform. I had counted 117 people who were wearing green coloured uniform, suddenly my cellphone rang.
I had Nokia6300 in my hand. The frogy was lost somewhere in the pool of Ranipauwa where I had met with an accident. I received the call. It was my Mamma on the other side. She said,"Where are you?" "On the opposite side of Laxmi sweet house. Did you completed your purchase?" I said. "Yes, I bought all what I was supposed to. I am in front of dairy right now. You come fast."She said. "Okay, I will be there within five minutes." I said. I disconnected the call and moved my legs towards the way to home. I reached up to the place where mamma was within five minutes.
Mamma was inside the dairy with plenty of household materials. She bought a litre of fresh curd. Then we started to move towards home carrying each of the bags on our hand. We had covered only few meters. Mamma stooped suddenly. She said,"Stop for a while." "Why? What happened?" I asked her in confusion.
We both stopped there and kept our bags on the earth beside the street. Mamma came quite closer to me and she held my hands. She took my both hands upto her nose and smelt them. In a loud voice she said,"You scoundrel, you now started smoking too."
I didn't feel like telling a lie to her. So I said," Yes, I have smoked cigarette. About a couple of months have been passed since I smoked for the first time. I felt like smoking hence I smoked. And I will continue smoking. You may better scold me as much as you want when we reach home. Do not create a scene in the street. Otherwise, your dignity may be in problem. And if people come to know that I have smoked may be there will be reduction of our glorified caste."
"What have I done? Do not try to be a fool. There is a huge difference in smoking and getting into affair with her." Mamma said seriously. "I do not want to listen anything. Please, stop talking to me." I said to her.
Mamma started to move forward murmuring at her own. What she was murmuring I didn't want to listen. I started to walk behind her carrying the bag with my right hand.
Throughout the way towards home I was thinking that there would be a big bang at home. Perhaps, atom bomb would be exploded inside. Which one would be exploded? I didn't know but I was certain that atom bomb will be exploded. Maybe, Little Boy will explode, as the day when by mistake I was thrown to this blue planet to live a porn life is known as Hiroshima day. Maybe, it is because I don't feel terrified with the explosives. Whether it is atomic one or hydrogen one. So, I will observe and face the explosion.
We reached home. I directly entered my room. I took out my shoes and socks. Without washing my legs, I lay down on the bed. I soon fell asleep.
As I got awake, I found my Pa in front of me. He seemed too much serious. Such a bright face alike the Sun was turned into such a dark colour as if it was covered with dark clouds. "We won't say you anything. But, we didn't expect this from you." He said to me after he saw me awake.
I spoke nothing. Why to say anything? I accept that I had broken the trust of my parents towards me. But what could I do? I could do nothing as it was the demand of the story. And when the story demands even the creator of story could do nothing. Hence, I could do nothing.
By coincidence, I had met a new friend and we were becoming quite closer few weeks ago. He was such a nice person that not only by name but by his behavior he was Keshav. While returning back from the college, I used to spend few minutes at his shop. I used to share much more about myself with him. He just used to give a pleasant smile in return.
After Fuki entered in my life, he was the first one with whom I had talked about her. Except about Fuki, we used to talk about other stuffs too. He and I are alike in much more views and opinions but when it comes towards religious vision he always used to say that he is against every religion. And I used to say him in a loud voice. "Shut up, If you are against religion then why are you wearing that green locket around your neck? Is it just to impress Lolita?" He used to say nothing, instead he used to laugh aloud.
But one day, he became a bit rude towards me. I asked him what was the matter. He said,"Sometimes, you behave as a kid. As you posted a comment on my facebook status mentioning about Lolita it became a bit harder for me. One of my close friend stopped talking to me. It became very hard to convince her. She loves me a lot brother."
Listening to him I said,"Oh you are in love and you haven't told me till now." He smiled and said,"Why should I tell you? Do I need your permission to fall in love? Who are you?" "Oh, I see. Then I am none for you? It is okay. You and Fuki, both are aike. She too is rude towards me." I said and smiled. In reply, he too smiled.
I was spending my days in similar sequence. During the second week of June Pa received a call from college. "Hello, I am coordinator Bhattarai from the Linclon college. Am I speaking to Mr. Sunil Ghimire?" The coordinator spoke from the other side.
"Yes sir, you are talking to Ratis's father. Please tell me, what is the matter?" Pa said. "I just wanted to inform you that your son didn't come for practical examination. And hasn't he recovered yet? And where is he now?" Coordinator said.
"He was in front of me before few minutes but he is not here right now. Maybe, he has gone to the grassland nearby our house to be fresh. You too know about his health and condition. But I will inform you after knowing why he didn't attend the practical examination." Pa said.
"It is fine. You needn't have to worry. We have understood. You may convince him taking enough time. Do not give him tension. Nothing has happened. We have trust over him. We have sent the practical marks ourselves. He is a brilliant and hardworking student. He also understand everything. This is all due to his age. Later on, everything will be fine. Just take care of him. The college will restart its next session from next week. Please send him. We too will convice him. Okay, Mr. Ghimire, goodbye for this time." Coordinator said.
"Okay sir, goodbye. I will do as you have said and I will send him college from next week." Pa said. The call was ended.
That day, I was at the pool house inside the Village resort nearby my house. I didn't know how to play pool. Hence, I wasn't there to play pool but I was there in search of marijuana. Yes, I was being addicted to marijuana. Hence, I was there to smoke that plant and got lost in its trip. That time, I not only lost my honour, but because of me the long nose of my Pa reduced to half. I regret about all those these days.
I slept there for the whole day in the trip of marijuana. I wake up during the evening and rushed towards home. Pa was sitting on a chair outside the main door with his eyes closed. As he felt that I entered from the gate, he opened his eyes. I went up to the chair next to him and sat there. Pa started to vomit his pain.
He said,"Oh Druggist! What do you think of yourself? Have you ever observed yourself? How were you and how have you become? Today, coordinator had called me from your college. He said that you didn't attend the practical examination. But he too said that they had sent the marks. Also, the college will restart its next session from first day of next week. Are you going to college or not?"
I said,"I am not going to Linclon again. It is sure that I will be failed in three of the theoritical papers. Hence, I didn't attend the practical examination. As I was supposed to be failed at any cost then why should I attend the practical exam?"
"And where were you till now? The sun has set already an hour ago. Is it your time to return home? It doesn't mean that you can do anything you want misusing our freedom. Look, you have to regret a lot in future. Think in time. I am saying all these for your best." Pa said in a loud voice.
"I have been nowhere. I just went upto nearby hill just to be fresh. And what have I done such that you are saying that I have misused your freedom?" I said.
"I know you went up to hill or to smoke weed. I can smell your breathe. How dare you tell a lie to me? I am your father. Do you think that I couldn't know the truth if you tell lie to me?" Pa shouted.
I remained silent. Pa looked at me for a while and said,"Look son, you for god sake, don't roam alike this smoking weed. Nothing has happened till now. I know you are a good boy. So, try to leave all of your addiction and be a best son. You have to do nothing for me. I will be happy if you become good and independent person. Tell me, is there any parent who want their children to become a bad person?"
I remained silent for this time too. Pa continued to speak. He said," I used to think that my son is very much disciplined. But, you ass turned everything into mud. Did you forget everything I taught to you? Everything including Geeta, Vedas and Puranas.?" "How did I turned everything you taught into mud? I have helped you at religious work and supported to overcome family expenses." This time I became a bit rude and said to him.
Listening to me, he became a bit hyper.He said,"It is not about helping me in need. People say me much more these days. They speak about you saying the son of Pandit is like this bla bla bla. You have made difficult for me too. I was about to do family planning after giving birth to two of your sisters. Your mother said, let's try for once. Hence, we tried again for next child. She is bearing a huge pain because of you these days. She was the one who was asking for son with god. And the same son has left us good for nothing."
On the one side I was in the trip of weed and on the other side I was the one who always use to be angry. "Why are you being so much hyper? How did I left you good for nothing? Why are you scolding me? Stop scolding me, otherwise I don't know what will I do?"
As I became rude, Pa became much more hyper. He said," Oh, now you started to speak louder with me. You only know to be angry? You scoundrel. It would have been better to remain without son instead of giving birth to fucking ass like you. If we need anyone for funeral then I already had my two best daughters along with me. And there is nowhere written in the religious book that a daughter cannot perform their father's funeral."
"Oh, then it is far better. You already have your best daughters. Then why do you worry about me? What is your problem however I become? Let me remain as a drug addict. But, think once. For me to be in this condition am I only responsible? Are you not guilty for what you have done towards me?"
As I said these, Pa couldn't say anything more. There was a silence in the compound for a while. As I was in the trip of weed, I couldn't figure out what I was thinking. But, I am sure that in the heart of my father, the fire was burning strongly which was turning his soul into ashes.
After a silence for few minutes, Pa said in a gentle voice," Then you have made your mind not to go to the college, haven't you?"
"No, I won't go to the Lincoln again. But, I will study somewhere here in Bhaktapur." I said nothing except than this. "I don't have trust towards you now. What if you again repeat the same?" Pa spoke a bit louder. "Then what do you think will be right you can do that. I will roam around chanting the name of Lord Shiva. Will it be good for you?" I too spoke a bit louder. Pa started to be lost in his own thoughts. I entered into my room. I slept on my bed even without having food.
The time was moving similarly in its own flow, in its own circle. My days used to pass in a similar manner roaming the woods alone and smoking cigarette. I had left smoking weed.
I haven't smoked weed after then. These days I smoke only cigarette. Clean cigarette, pure cigarette. The pilot cigarette as it is cheaper. I smoke Surya only in special occasions. As these days I try to save my earnings. And while smoking pilot cigarette, I become an imaginary pilot and fly my spaceship around the universe along with Fuki in that ship.
The addiction of marijuana for about a couple of months changed the direction of my flow in the journey of life. It changed my way of thinking. It diverted my emotions. To speak more clearly, it made me a sage. I became emotionless. Every emotions including love, greed, sex and ambitions were lost from my soul.
I started to be dissolved in the faith of Lord Shiva. But I had stopped to take any of those substances that could hamper the normal functioning of brain. I started to roam wearing the beads of Rudraksh around my neck. I started to keep my beard and mustache long enough. I started to wear the yellow shirt printed with the name of Lord Rama over it. Those days I was criticized a lot.
Some used to say that the son of Pandit was sent to Kathmandu for studies, he started to take substances and became totally insane. Some used to say that, it is very sure that studying much more resulted him to turn into Psycho. And those who used to know me quite closely used to say that perhaps he has become alike this because of his break up.
I don't know whether I had become Psycho or I had turned into insane but I know only this that those days I was living my life perfectly. I was trying to recognize myself. I was doing everything with my full sense. I was trying to remove every emotions present inside me.
But who could tolerate one's child to roam as a sage in his early age. Hence, my parents took me to the rehabilitation center. They closed me there for more than a month.