"What the fuck, man...."
Gazei Barodius Hunter-Pendragon (Rin is lucky that his mind was not there when they married) blinked, trying to adjust to the bizarre reality he found himself in. "What the actual fuck!" he muttered, looking down at his ridiculously muscular body. It was his, but it wasn't.
He shook his head, the memories flooding back. Long story, very short. He was a trophy husband to a rich, lustful woman named Rin Shishidō (stupid rich matching Black Panter with Richie Rich on crack), living a wild life that spanned continents and generations—real Blue Mountain State-type stuff. God, he had so many (legal, I swear) drugs and sex and made children from America to dangerous places like North Korea. Rin was determined to make him the next Genghis Khan.
Then they died. Gazei had no idea, but death was welcome. He doesn't give a damn if the drugs make it safe. At 107 years old, all he wanted to do was relax and be the goofy great-great-grandfather he was meant to be. It gets weird when you have a baby that shares the birthday with your great-granddaughter and another great-great-granddaughter and her newborn. Stupid black genetics and Asian food-sex diet made him feel 40 years younger than it should. Again, a 107-year-old man shouldn't move like a graceful, aging 40-year-old one. Real cyberpunk-type shit, but it still died for unknown reasons.
Then, instead of Heaven, he was greeted by the sight of his wife winning against a Buddha-looking god. The details were lost, but he learned that his wife won the right to custom-build the world of her choosing spun on the Wheel of Reincarnation. The bet also included the rights to his soul.
Yeah, Gazei knew that the rulers of the Afterlife would do anything to stop Rin from becoming a demon and ruled the world with painted iron nails (Rin hated the saying Iron fist). But to screw himself like that was uncool but understandable.
He would, too... It's why he never stopped Rin from acting like a goddamn succubus all the time. The only thing that woman loves more than sex is money.
It's better to deal with an Asian with a breeding fetish (and minor feminization fetish; again, he stopped caring) than her going down the road as a more evil and money-loving Raymond Reddington mixed with Donald Trump and every rich bitch from all moves he was forced to watch—too many girls, too many feelings, and far too many shoes. "By god, it was horrible," he thought.
Now, he found himself in a bizarre world where different rules and powers clashed, and to top it all off—he was a giant.
His new body was enormous: a towering 8 feet, 8 inches of pure muscle. His long, spiky black hair added to his intimidating look. He wore black jeans, no shoes, just Muay Thai wraps around his feet, and an odd, oversized anime multi-belt. A sleeveless shirt completed the outfit.
"Why am I so huge?" he muttered to himself. "Did Rin have some weird obsession, One Piece?" He shook his head. The last time he checked, he gave up on that manga long ago. There were too many chapters, and the plot armor Luffy had against Kaido was insane. The dumb motherfucker should have lost outright.
"Oi, you daft twit, care to explain what's goin' on here?" a robotic voice with a thick British accent chimed in from his wrist.
He looked down. It was a talking watch with a face, and it was already giving him a load of attitude.
"Rin..." Gazei muttered under his breath, starting to put the pieces together.
"Why the bloody hell does that explain everything when you only say one word!" the computer groaned in frustration, sighing loudly. "How?! What happened to my body!? Why am I a Rotom Watch?! Why are you taller than Big Ben, and for heaven's sake, why are you not wearing shoes?" the computer asked in disbelief. Last it remembered, it had been comfortably running the training schedule for the dragon crew and dodging Lady Rin's persistent attempts to create an AI girlfriend—again.
It still baffled Computer how Rin, his owner's wife, had somehow managed to program lust into a digital system. "I'm an AI! I'm not supposed to deal with that nonsense!" Computer fumed silently. It had been exhausting. And yet, here he was, stuck in a watch, and somehow, his "owner" had become a giant without shoes.
Rin," Gazei repeated, as if that single word explained everything while saying absolutely nothing.
"Right, I'm out!" Computer snapped, immediately going into rest mode. It wasn't about to deal with this madness any longer.
Gazei glanced at the now-silent watch on his wrist. "Figures," he muttered. Even his AI couldn't handle the Rin's chaos anymore.
"Explain this shit!" a voice demanded.
Gazei looked down at the source of the voice, his eyes widening. To his surprise, a Pichu—oddly the size of a Pikachu—stood before him, staring up with a fierce expression. Its face was scarred with claw marks, and one of its ears looked like it had been through a grinder, jagged and torn.
The Pichu crossed its tiny arms, glaring. "Aye, what're ye starin' at, ya big oaf?!" it snapped in a thick Scottish accent. "I ain't got all day, so ye best be tellin' me what's goin' on 'ere!"
Gazei blinked, taking in the bizarre sight, then sighed heavily. "Rin."
The Pichu—no, Zeus—sighed loudly, exasperatedly. "I hate how that one word explains everything..." he muttered, shaking his head.
Gazei smirked. "Well, how are you feeling, Zeus?"
Zeus glared at him like he'd just asked the dumbest question in the world.