Hello, I am Dante, a young man who is not someone important at the moment. Maybe I am like you, a normal and ordinary person with a common job. Right now, I am going through an existential crisis because of everything that happens with the country. I am someone very curious who likes to investigate. I am of a generation who was born when there was no technology and grew up with technological development. I grew up seeing how the internet developed; in those times, I only saw it as a game. Nowadays, I investigate things—maybe I know more than I should—so much that it makes me sick just knowing certain things. I have seen almost all the evil in the world, but I try to continue however I can. Well, this has been a little bit of me.
Well, as we were saying, it all starts in my childhood. I lived in a relative's house where my mother was mistreated (beaten), just like me. There wasn't much we could do because the place where we lived belonged to my father's family. And you might wonder what my father did. Well, it might sound a bit cliché, but he was the typical drunkard who came home drunk every day. Over time, he started drinking less because he had surgery for cirrhosis. In that house, I had nothing of my own, and they were mean to me. It was all fights and abuse until I grew up. By the time I was 12 years old, I was 1.60 meters tall and was able to defend myself from my abusive uncles. I punched one of them who tried to hit me. This started over something trivial, though I don't remember exactly what it was. From that moment on, they stopped bothering me. One of my saddest memories in that house was when my drunken father threatened my mother with a knife. I stepped in to defend her, and thankfully, things didn't go any further. Later, my mother started defending herself from my father. She had always been somewhat naive and shy, but over time, she began to understand that some people don't understand words, and you have to defend yourself. I figured that out first, hehe. Eventually, we left that house. My father began to understand things better, and we got a house far away from the first one. Now, before continuing with the story, let's take it step by step. I'll tell you about my school next.
Everything I told you so far happened during my elementary school years. And quite apart from the story, let me tell you about some of my virtues: I am very resistant to pain and blows, but I am also very unlucky—this seems to be something fated, I guess. Maybe you can relate to me because of this, hehe. During school, I learned several things in elementary. I was strong and knew how to fight a bit, as I had been practicing due to the turmoil at home. At this point, I didn't like seeing anyone being abused, so when I saw a classmate getting beaten up, I helped him and taught him how to defend himself. But, being naive, the boy I helped turned bad. He used what I taught him to bully others; he even surpassed me. I was afraid of hurting people and confronting them, so I just distanced myself from him. I had created a monster. After that, I stayed away from problems and didn't teach anyone else.
In elementary school, I also experienced love for the first time, but being so young, I didn't really understand what I was feeling. I just let it happen. I also went through several other things during that time. I told you that I was very unlucky, and this was even more evident on my birthdays. There wasn't a birthday when something didn't happen to me. For example, on one birthday, I was riding a bike with my cousin down a steep slope. He pulled on the back of my shirt, causing us to fall, and I scratched my back. On another birthday, the same cousin put a stick in the front wheel of the bike, and I fell. I went flying, landed, and scraped my shoulder. Now, I remember it as if I fell like a defeated superhero, haha. After that day, I never rode with my cousin again, but I never got depressed about everything that happened to me. Since it was an accident, I saw it as just that—an accident, and nothing more.
Now, another bad thing that happened to me was when my classmates began to call me a name I didn't like. It was an annoying nickname that made me uneasy; they called me "devil," and even the teacher called me "diablito." Although she didn't mean it with bad intentions, I didn't like it because I had something very special with that damned animal. In the house where I lived, I don't know what it was, but strange things also happened. I dreamed several times about that thing, which is why I didn't like being called that. So, they changed my school, which I would say was the worst decision my parents ever made. At the new school, the teacher was even worse—she taught beyond her level. In other words, she taught high school material in elementary school, which confused me. Every day, I received punishments and bad grades. I started to feel very bad, but since I always did my best, I didn't think it was bad—just things that happened. When my mother realized this, she transferred me back to my old school. Thankfully, my classmates apologized to me, and my elementary school years continued normally until graduation. I've already told you that I have very bad luck, right? Well, I dislocated my hand after falling from a hill. Remember I told you that I am very resistant? I only ended up with a dislocated arm, and even with my hand in a cast, I managed to graduate. It was sad to go through such a bad moment, but I always smiled. I was young and never got depressed by the bad things that happened to me.
Well now, I will tell you about high school. What can I say? I met girls and I also experienced humility because I was an idiot and a fool. I got into fights with the wrong people and they ended up beating me and humiliating me. At this point, I understood that there will always be someone stronger than you. By fourth grade, I became a womanizer. I was with several girls because I didn't know what a real relationship was—just fleeting illusions. However, before that, I met love in third grade of high school, but we ended because she left the country. In the end, due to my immaturity, I lost her, and that's why I became like that. Then, in fifth grade, I met the person who would be my future partner. With her, I spent many beautiful moments. When I finished high school I wanted to break up with her, but just out of pity I didn't end the relationship. I know what I did was wrong, but at that time, I was like that—I only thought about myself and didn't like to confront anyone. Well, life goes on.
When I left school, I fell in love with others, but I was just a horny boy looking for love, and one thing led to another. I ended relationships quickly because I was immature. After a while, I continued seeing the girl from my high school that I met in fifth grade. The only bad thing about her was that she was very protected by her family. We didn't see each other for about a year, even though we were still in love. After some time, I met other girls and left her to be with them. We kept breaking up and getting back together. At this point, I didn't know what career to follow. At first, I wanted to pursue medicine, so I joined an academy. However, I couldn't continue because I had no economic support, so I started working. I ended up liking the money more and left the career aside. I tried several things, and my parents pushed me into something I didn't want, which led to more frustration because I felt they were always meddling in my affairs. Eventually, I searched for other opportunities but found nothing, so I just kept working. At first, I did minor jobs, then I got into a more serious company. I won't mention the name, but it starts with M; there are several, haha. Here, I discovered the wickedness of people—my coworkers were the worst in the security field, including the boss. I got into security, and at that time, the pay was good for my age of 19. I thought I was special with what I earned. I had spare time and money, and I behaved, well, how should I say, like a show-off, I think. So, this was the beginning of my work life.
In this job that I mentioned, several things happened. My own sub-boss scammed me out of with 150 dollars with the help of another colleague. My coworkers didn't help me adjust, and I also didn't want to learn; I was like any other teenager, feeling that the world was mine. The last thing my boss did to screw me over was making me sign my resignation letter without me noticing. At first, I just thought it was another job, but I learned that this kind of work requires caution. I ended up in other jobs that paid poorly and were more exploitative.
At this point, I had my first significant experience with my girlfriend. We had sex, and eventually, she got pregnant. I didn't want to have a child, and I think this was when my life started to go downhill. One day, as usual, we had to visit my father, who was a merchant, at his establishment. I stubbornly made her walk to the store. I don't know if I did it intentionally or not, but I didn't want to have a child, and I will always regret this decision for the rest of my life. After this, she started to feel unwell, and the worst happened—she lost the child. She was devastated. I wasn't as much, but in my own way, I was shocked by the news. My mother delivered the news in the coldest way possible. I'm not a person who shows a lot of feelings, but I was sad. I blamed myself for everything, though I never showed it. I pretended to be strong to avoid making her suffer more. I wanted to get closer to her, but she asked me to be alone, and I took it literally, distancing myself from her without realizing that she truly needed me.
After this, I tried to get along better with her, and we planned for my first daughter, aiming to take good care of her. But like everyone else, no one is truly ready to be a father, and I behaved very distantly from her, remembering what she had told me. During this time, I discovered my so-called vocation—I wanted to be a boxer. I tried, but with a daughter, I no longer had time for it, so I continued with the work. My path remained in security, and I spent my time in a job I didn't want, burdened with the guilt over the death of my son. I never told anyone about my grief; almost every night, I would sit in the dark in my armchair at 3 a.m., reflecting in the darkness, looking at nothing. This is when I began to become aware of my depression and felt like I was falling into an abyss. More things happened; I felt undervalued at work, and my colleagues were annoying. In this work environment, you have to be a sucker and a sycophant to be promoted, but I didn't like that. I was moving from job to job, trying to survive, and the same thing happened in my love life.
After several years, the following happened: I had another daughter, which was unexpected. I thought she had taken her pill. The problem was also on my part for not protecting myself, but I thought she wanted to keep me tied down, as she discovered that I talked affectionately to other women. As all typical toxic jealous people, that's what I thought. I don't know if I was wrong, but I'm not sure, and she never gave me a reason; she just went out with other things to avoid fighting.
By then, she already had another daughter, and the fights continued. My first daughter was the one who felt all this because I was a terrible father. I deeply regret this. One day, while I was hitting my daughter, I felt the echoes of what was done to me in the past. Something in my mind broke as I realized what I was doing. I had a moment of clarity and stopped. I went away for a while to think about what I had done, looking at my hands and reflecting on what I had become. Sitting again in my armchair at 3 a.m., in the dark, with an old tie in my hand, I felt this had touched my soul. I contemplated ending it all, wanting to hang myself and escape the evil I was inflicting. I tried to pass the tie through a beam and put it around my neck, but my blessing was also my curse. As I struggled due to the pain in my neck, the tie broke, and I fell to the floor. My family came running because of the noise, but I just told them I had tripped. By this time, I was living with my parents in a new house that my dad had gotten, and I was also living with my partner in that same house. The incident with the tie didn't lead to anything further. I just kept moving forward, trying to get better, believing I had another chance.
Time went by, and the fights with my wife continued. She would tell me that I always left her alone when she needed me the most, but she herself pushed me away, and I didn't say anything. I wanted to avoid confrontations and not talk about it. This happened because I didn't have good communication skills. I got another job taking care of a huaca. Since this job was at dawn and I was bored, I used a sketchbook to draw and write at night. Gradually, I developed a taste for writing, as my mind took me to other realities, inventing stories. I didn't give it much importance, considering it just a hobby. I even drew a kind of manga.
After leaving this job, I got another one, but I didn't feel fulfilled. This job wasn't for me, and it only lasted a maximum of 3 months before I resigned. This decision would have consequences later. After working at a pharmacy, a former coworker called me with an offer for another job in a shopping mall. I saw it as an opportunity since these jobs paid well and had less working time compared to the 12-hour shifts I was accustomed to. I was bored with my current job, so I immediately quit. I would regret this decision because the coworker led me on for about a month, and nothing materialized. I survived with my severance pay and some odd jobs, but I didn't have a secure position.
I tried to find other jobs, but due to my history of frequent job changes, employers were reluctant to hire me. The constant arguing with my partner overwhelmed me. I asked myself why I had quit before my time; I felt like an imbecile. I didn't know what to do anymore. I called my ex-colleague one last time and he told me he couldn't help me with work anymore. I hung up and went to my living room where I had my punching bag. I started hitting it until my knuckles bled. I hugged the bag and fell to my knees, crying because I had nothing. My mother picked me up next to my partner, I cried as if someone had died. I had hit rock bottom and felt like shit.
A few days later, I set out aimlessly in a car, saying I was going to look for a job, but in reality, I just wandered around the streets of the city. I'm not sure where I ended up, but I went into a shady pharmacy and bought some painkillers. Once again, in that chair, in the dark, I spent two nights with the pills in my hand. One day, as I sat in the dark, I don't know how to explain it, but something appeared to sit in the chair in front of me. I didn't feel scared, it was like a person, completely black. I raised my head and realized I couldn't see it clearly, but I noticed it was laughing. It spoke to me in an almost whispery, creepy voice: "Why are you like this?" I told it that I felt like a failure and a worthless person with no direction in life. It replied: "If you want, I can help you; just give me your hand and I will make your life better." I knew immediately what that thing was, you feel it too, right? It was the big guy downstairs offering me something. This creature had followed me all my life, and now it was right in front of me. I looked at it and asked what it wanted in return, my soul? It said no, it wanted the souls of my family. I stared at it and told it to go to hell. I was having a hard time, but I wasn't an idiot and I knew its tricks. Thanks to my mother, who always warned me about this creature, I was able to stand up for myself. I told it I didn't need it and that I'd rather die and leave it here than let it hurt my daughters. It started laughing and I stared at it, taking a large amount of pills. I told it that I had hit rock bottom, that this didn't make sense anymore. The thing grew huge, it reached all the way to the ceiling. At that moment, I started to feel an inexplicable fear. It was crouching down to get closer to my face, and I just saw two intense red eyes staring at me very closely. It said, "If you're already down, just come up." And I passed out. I woke up around 6 a.m., wondering what had happened to the pills. It turned out that they were fake; I think it was a placebo, I don't know. After this, I went to bed very tired.
After this, I found out that my wife, whom I had married for the sake of my children, was pregnant again. I had been unaware for about six months and just wanted to divorce her. By this time, she was already afraid and suspicious of me, but I decided to change. We both tried to improve and behaved better, but I was always in that chair in the dark, reflecting on why that thing had spoken to me. Maybe it knew the pills wouldn't work and wanted to corrupt me, or maybe it had some connection to me; I'll never know.
One typical day, while looking for a job, I ran into a former coworker who was now a sub-manager at a store. I told him about my situation, and at first, he was reluctant to help, thinking I wanted security work. But I explained that I wanted to be a salesman in his store. He reconsidered and helped me get the job. This is where I began to find real happiness—or so I thought at first. Everything was going well until the company started demanding more without offering additional benefits, engaging in the typical exploitative practices: "Put in extra hours today, and we'll help you later," but it was all lies.
The good news was that I managed to get promoted on my own to a position where it was harder to manipulate me because I was no longer directly involved with the vendors. My years in security had given me the confidence to stand up for my rights, and my life began to improve a bit with a more decent job. However, I still felt like something was missing.
While all this was happening in my family, something else was happening, my daughters were a little rebellious because my mother, like any grandmother, spoiled them a lot and since I was mostly not at home, I argued with my wife and this shocked me,So, once again, I found myself in that armchair, listening to sad music. I didn't want the same outcome as before, so the next day we both talked and reached a mutual agreement. She would move away for a year, and we would save money to reunite, as I couldn't move because of my job.
Now, here I am, alone, without my daughters and wife, feeling sad. I have a lot more to share, but for now, I'll just say that we intentionally lost another baby, and this is also weighing heavily on my mind. My curiosity also led me to explore disturbing and macabre content on the dark web. My mind became troubled, and I started to believe that the world didn't deserve to exist.
But I tried to focus on the positive side, acknowledging that there is always both good and bad. One normal day, on my way to work, a truck blocked my view on the road, and I was overwhelmed by a thought of loneliness and sadness. I considered ending it all and ran towards the truck, but a motorcycle coming around the curve hit me, causing me to roll and scrape my leg badly. This happened just one day before my vacation. It seemed like, just as in elementary school, I faced a crisis before a break.
Lyhere in my bed resting from the injuries. I was a little bored and it was beginning to weigh; If I had done this at this moment and if this or that happened, then I started imagining whole worlds of other stories and I wanted to write them, suddenly an enlightenment came to me, writing this is what I wanted for myself, my mind helped me after so much. time I knew what I wanted, my life began to make more sense and I knew what direction to take.
As they say, happiness doesn't last forever, and something else had to happen. After a year, I discovered that my wife had lied about her intentions of returning and had left me for good. Initially, I was shocked and wanted to get even, but after some reflection and discussion, we decided to distance ourselves for our own good. I calmed down and started to see new opportunities.
and now here I am in this armchair at night alone again, talking to the evil that is in me and summarizing stories together, don't get me wrong, I just learned to manage my demons and my feelings better, I am alone, yes, but happy to continue with a goal and a place where I feel comfortable: writing.
They say the meaning of life is to work for your children, but my friend, don't give up on your dreams. Keep fighting for them. Your children are important, but your dreams and goals are what truly drive you. Educate your children well, but also pursue your aspirations.
After this, I focused on my writing. I'm currently setting up a website to showcase my stories and plan to publish books and manga in the future. I even dream of seeing my stories adapted into movies. This is my new goal. Despite working a job that annoys me, I have good friends who help me cope. I'm finally following my dreams and, at last, I feel at peace with myself.
Currently, I don't know what life has in store for me, but I'm trying to improve every day. Even though my family is no longer by my side, I have one piece of advice: don't give up, fight for your dreams. I tried to take my own life more than 3 times, and here I am. The most important thing is to stand up to abusive companies; they won't care about you, they'll just replace you if something happens. I've seen it happen with a coworker. Take care of your health, and remember that you are more important than any company. Think of yourself, don't torment yourself over past guilt, and keep moving forward. Right now, I have this project in mind, and only heaven will guide me through this path of ups and downs. I wish you the best, good luck survivor, and never give up. I'm still trying.
end of volume 1