There's an infinite amount of ways to define the word love. But ultimately, it comes down to what emotion we feel the most when experiencing it.
For some, love would be euphoria—a feeling that would bring intense happiness and excitement. One that would make us feel alive and feel that we aren't alone in this forsaken world.
For others, however, love would be an abyss—a deep, bottomless pit. This word is usually associated with the saying, "when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back at you."
For me, love is an abyss. I don't really know where it began or how it came to be. I was never a person who was fit to be in a relationship, to begin with. However, the moment I had a taste of love, of what it meant to spend so much time and give so much affection to another person, I just couldn't stop.
And well, of course, the happiness and all the nice things, they always come to an end. I might say a failed relationship is the catharsis meant to stop me from feeling more, however, that's just not how it works.
After a heartbreak, there will be a moment when you just don't want to love anymore—you just want to curse the world and ask why you fell in love just to hurt yourself. But then you get this chance to love again, and like an idiot, you pursue it no matter what. You try to move forward, deeper into the abyss, just so you could feel that happiness, that excitement.
Ah, I'm such a moron. I'd even want to use the word imbecile. How many times has it been? 3, perhaps 4 if I add that...
What a time to be alive.
...
March 20XX.
It was a fateful day for Chris. He woke up to the alarm of his phone, an alarm that would annoy his entire family whenever they heard it.
Good morning, have a nice day!
Good morning, have a nice day!
Good morning, have a nice day!
These words spoken in an annoyingly girly yet child-like voice repeatedly echoed inside his head before he eventually woke up. It was as if to remind him that another day of doing the same thing again and again had begun. Wake up, eat, work, play games, eat, sleep... Just like a routine with no particular goal—living for the sake of living.
It was such an ugly start, and the feeling he had for a moment left him in a daze as he stared at the ceiling until a knock came from the door.
"What would you like to eat? Wake up your sister in 30 minutes." From the other end of the door was his mom, Lucia. As usual, she had woken up early and was about to prepare breakfast.
Chris took a deep breath and immediately answered, "Anything, you decide, Ma."
He slowly sat up and stared at his surroundings. His bed was now a mess, and his favorite lobster plushie must have fallen to the ground. He just moved a little too much while sleeping.
In comparison to his seemingly always mean expression due to his small eyes, tall nose, and big lips, he was actually quite... delicate inside. He always had an eye for soft and cuddly things, and he went so far as to have an entire collection of animal plushies that he would hug to sleep every night.
Looking left and right, Chris eventually found the lobster plushie under two pillows. He pulled it out, hugged it, and lay down on the bed once more. He didn't know what to think at the moment, but there was helplessness slowly brewing inside his heart.
"Ah, enough..." He shook his head and sighed. Life had been continuously dull, and he was really at wit's end. Add to that a broken heart, reality just seemed a little too bleak.
He reached out for his phone and found it just beside his pillow. His mom would always nag him to put away his phone every night due to "negative effects of radiation," but after having it beside him as he slept for so long, he just decided to not care.
He unlocked his phone, and the first app he opened was messenger. He didn't really have anyone to expect to message him, but it was still his go to, a routine of sorts he did every single day. He opened his group chats with all his friends and bumped it up with an emoji. There was no real reason why he did it, but he thought of it as reminding people that "hey, I'm alive, you little sh*ts."
After going through all the group chats, he searched for a name and hesitated for 5 minutes before eventually deciding not to message that person.
'What's the point?' It was a question that made him lose confidence to even say "hi."
He closed messenger and proceeded to go to discord. This was an app where he had a lot of friends online. Mostly from work, but some from games. In truth, he was anonymous here, and he was able to show his true colors since the judgment of other people didn't really matter online.
Anyway, he was looking forward to a message. And that message, of course, was from a girl. He was not particularly interested in her romantically, but it was just that she was a person that piqued his curiosity, not to mention she was an incredible listener.
That girl had the same hobbies, played a lot of RPGs, and she was a total neet. She was just the perfect existence in the mind of Chris. It was just that she was, after all, a person he met online. After all, a girl one met online could actually be a "girl"—a Guy In Real Life.
Anna—it was a generic name she readily told him when he asked her. But in truth, it was quite a shocking name for him. He only ever knew another person with the same name in his entire life, but that person just had to be someone who used to occupy his heart.
Was it a coincidence? Unfortunately, yes. It was nothing but a coincidence. The girl he met online was from another country, and the girl from his memories lived just an hour away.
He checked his friend list, and there on top was her username—Kyporith. He tapped on it and saw the last messages she left last night.
—Kyporith: Still finishing a game, but it does seem interesting. The game just looks a little too cute, don't you think?
Hey, you slept on me again! -_-
You were supposed to tell me what happened when you were in fifth grade! Tsk. You owe me more stories tomorrow!
Goodnight, Moxie! ^_^
To say that he slept on her again wasn't really wrong. But this string of messages made him smile, albeit barely. In discord, he was Moxie, and he was already used to being called like that for so long. His name, Chris, had become such a long-lost name with the number of people calling him it getting smaller and smaller.
That aside, last night, he simply asked whether Anna wanted to play a new game. It was an RPG called Lazuli, which indeed focused on cutesy rather than badass mechanics. It looked like a chill game with farming, dungeon runs, and other game mechanics found in RPGs, so he pre-registered for it a long time back.
Anna was someone he met playing another RPG with cute graphics. As such, he thought maybe she would like this game, too.
Well, there was also a game advertisement that caught his eye.
"Look into the future—find the love of your life, find your ultimate calling."
Absolutely bullcrap, but he got hooked. With his heart in a mess, romance was, indeed, a matter of treating poison with poison.
He thought for a few moments to cook up a reply. Anna had always been fond of listening to his stories, and their roles in this relationship had already been set as the story-teller and the listener.
—Moxie: Morning... Ah, yet another day of doing the same thing all over again? Are you sleeping now? You should, otherwise, no pats for you.
Okay, okay, stories it is. For a start, fifth grade was both wonderful and horrible for me. There, I met my first love, and also the greatest enemy in my life...
To be continued. Haha.
And yeah the game is cute and nice, but it's just what I need. Something to spend my time on. There is a little challenge, but there are many things to do and enjoy.
Anywayyy, you should really sleep earlier! It's not good. I haven't even said a fourth of all my stories, you can't die early!
After typing all this, he was about to close discord when the words "Kyporith is typing..." just below his message.
—Moxie: Why are you still awake!?
—Kyporith: Why not?
—Moxie: You...
—Kyporith: You what?
—Moxie: It's not good to stay up so late. I don't know how many times I've said this to you.
—Kyporith: Blablablabla. I just wanted to say good morning, but now you're already nagging me. Stupid Moxie. :P
I am super excited for the next story... How am I going to sleep now?? Tell meeee.
—Moxie: What the hell? Sleep. You. Must. Sleep. Now! And I'm also going to get breakfast in a bit. Just wait for tonight, will you?
—Kyporith: Okayyyyy. Goodnight, Moxiee, I'm really tired, but it's just so hard for me to fall asleep...
—Moxie: Sleep. I'll give you lots of pats. Goodnight, Anna.
After the conversation between them ended, the smile on Chris's face was already quite wide. There was a peculiar feeling in his chest, which lessened the negative emotions already brewing inside his heart just as the day started.
"Ah, what a stupid girl..." he muttered softly as he checked the time. It was five minutes to 6:30, and it was almost time to wake up his sister and get down for breakfast.
He once again took a deep breath and was about to go up when his phone suddenly vibrated. He looked at the notification and saw that it was from messenger. Since a few people were from overseas in one of his group chats, there was always someone awake, who would also bump up the chat with an emoji.
However, the message he received wasn't from any of them, but instead from someone he really didn't want to think about now that he had a nicer mood to start the day.
On the phone was a name so familiar and whose memories were still so vivid inside his mind.
"Michelle," he muttered as he stared for a moment before pinching himself. Why would someone who hadn't talked to him for months message him all of a sudden?
He was reluctant... so very reluctant. He felt like reading her message would be a pandora's box that would drag him back to hell.
But hell was, nevertheless, hell, and with his emotions all stirred up, he eventually opened the message.
There, words that he didn't expect to see were written.
—Michelle: Let's meet up and cut all the loose ends, shall we?