~Sirius~
I've been lied to my entire life.
Not always on purpose or out of ill intent, but that knowledge has been a looming presence for my whole sentience.
Lies.
The lack of truth.
Everyone lies, including me. I'm not saying I blame anyone for lying to me, I get it, I lie all the time. But when I think back to any conversation I've ever had, that gnawing presence is always there.
The times when I was a child, commuting with other feeble children, are likely the only times I've never been lied to.
My father is probably the best example.
Every memory I have with him is a gauntlet of crushing lies and fabrications. I've known that. I've known he was a liar since I was little. I didn't want to admit it back then, but he's a liar through and through.
He would fib over the smallest of things. Something so insignificant...
But it's not just him. As I said, everyone lies.
My brother.
One time, back when he was in elementary school, I stopped by the school's playground. I don't remember if I had the day off or what, but I chose to go visit him during his recess. Mom had bought popsicles earlier that day, and I wanted to surprise him.
I showed up with the box of popsicles and all the kids ran up to me like I was a superhero. I still remember that feeling. My brother, Canopus, was the most excited to see me. We saw each other every single day at home, but he ran into my arms like we hadn't in months.
He told me: "You're the bestest big brother in the whole world!"
...
I still remember that feeling. Very, very well.
Maybe at the time, it was true. Maybe I was the bestest. We were best friends after all. We did everything together. We went everywhere together.
We were brothers.
Another time, right after the first time we moved homes, Canopus sat right beside me on my bed. He was still upset over the move. We had to say goodbye to our friends and old house. He wasn't adjusting very well. Neither was I, and he must have picked up on that.
He leaned against my shoulder with a tear rolling down his cheek.
He told me: "I promise I'll never leave you. I promise we'll be together forever. You and me."
...
Even if it was a promise that he fully believed in at the time... It doesn't change the fact it turned into a lie. I know I was the one that left you behind... I know that. I regret that. But what happened to being together forever? You took away that chance. You took away my life...
Needless to say, I'm not big on promises.
...
I could go on and on about how people do nothing but lie and deceit. My mom. My classmates. My so-called friends.
I've known people are like this. It's in their nature.
So why...
Why does it hurt so much?
...
Ever since I've come to this world, I haven't been able to believe. I mean, I haven't for a long time, but recently speaking... I can't tell if anything is genuine.
A witch tells me a get a second shot at life...
I'm given a stopwatch counting down to my memories disappearing...
I meet Aureole. I meet Korlin. I'm taken to a mansion...
I'm given a chance to restore my breaking memories...
So many things have happened that I've been given explanations to. I understand why they've happened. I know what has led me to every encounter I've had. I know that I've changed if only slightly. I know who helped me.
This isn't a dream like how Korlin describes it. I know this is my new reality. But...
Nothing feels real. As if this entire new world is a fabrication meant to deceive me. As if all these people around me are actors. Why would someone do that to me? I couldn't say.
All I can do is hope it's not true.
I want to believe it isn't.
I want to believe it is genuine.
That nothing is a lie.
But being at this outpost has only proven my doubts. Not necessarily that the world is false, but that people endlessly lie.
...
The buildings lie in ruin.
Regrouping snowsquallers gather at their destroyed homes. They're crying. I walk through the melancholic streets and gaze upon the wreckage.
With the threat of hoarbanes surrounding the outpost, outside aid is not an option. The inhabitants here must rebuild their lives on their own. From both a financial and emotional standpoint... it's horrible. But...
It stirs nothing within me. Maybe if I grew up here it would. Maybe if I knew these people's stories it would. But as I am now...
I'm incapable.
...
When recovering from a disaster, homeowners and shopkeepers often go through a predetermined process.
Document the damage > File an insurance claim > Pray you are covered
I don't actually know if that's true, but that's what my mom told me once.
Our home was hit by a violent storm and a tree had collapsed onto the roof. The cost was likely enormous based on her mood afterward.
I was much younger then, probably nine or ten. I don't remember the incident very well, I'm pretty sure I was sleeping while it happened. All I remember is the damage caused by the tree. Both on my home and my mother's face.
She told me everything was alright. A classic lie told from parents to their children. A parent doesn't want their child to worry, they want to protect them. But what good does that do if the child already knows?
My mother was a woman who hid her emotions. Or more precisely: her pain. She was terribly bad at it, but she continued to do it throughout her life. If something was wrong, she'd bottle and let it build. She wouldn't say a word, pretending as if everything was fine.
...
I wonder if I got that from her...
Maybe I'm more like her than I thought.
Of course, I've opened up a handful of times. To Korlin. To Aureole. Even Kynn. What I said weren't lies. I gave them my heart and felt relief. They'd respond with words trying to make me feel better about myself.
Deep down in that abyss, it made me happy.
But with all the lies I've heard and said, what if one day those moments come back to bite me? What if everything I've let out is used against me? What if I'm right?
What will I do then?
Does it matter? They gave me so much.
I've been smiling. I've felt emotions I never have before. I've been interested in people, something I never could do before. I have people I can talk to, people I can listen to.
I decided things for myself.
Before I met them, I could barely function as a human being. I couldn't decide. I merely did as I was told. Some of those aspects remain inside me... but I like to think I've changed. If only slightly.
I decided. And let down my guard.
Shit... I'm second-guessing myself again.
I always contradict myself.
I thought I stopped deciding for myself long ago. But even while I did, I subconsciously decided not to trust people.
I decided to always keep my distance from others.
There's always a barrier between me and other people.
I always walk behind others. I make sure not to walk beside them. Even when I do, it's to follow the mood.
I decided to read people.
I subconsciously pick up on the little cues and traits of everyone I meet. I take their personality and break it down to reach them the best I can in a given situation.
I decided this long ago without even knowing.
...
Call it paranoia, but it keeps me safe.
People are terrifying.
As Kynn and Nola have said: People are instinctive. They do things without reason and act without meaning to. They say things they don't mean to.
But what if they're like me?
What if someone else overanalyzes my actions? What if I'm being toyed with without my knowledge? Lately, my belief that I could read and understand others has been challenged.
Do I really know nothing about these people? How much of this life is built upon lies? I don't know.
And that's terrifying.
...
Holy shit. I need to calm down.
I sound like I'm schizophrenic.
I tend to overthink things. Maybe I should take a note out of Kynn's mind.
'Sometimes, people just are, you know?
If you try to analyze every little thing someone does, it'll drive you mad. Not every little thing has a purpose or reason behind it. People are impulsive and reactionary. They do things without meaning to or realizing the consequences. Take me for example, I take life as it is in the moment. I get sad for no particular reason, and I let myself be sad.'
Maybe he's right...
I should try and take things more lightly. Not everyone has an ulterior motive. Even if they do, it doesn't mean it negatively impacts me.
...If only it was that easy.
...Maybe I should talk to Aureole. She told me to talk to her if I'm ever overwhelmed or want to vent.
Before I realize...
A smile spreads on my face.
...
Hm.
Why does that happen when I think of her?
Maybe I really am comfortable around her.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
I sort of just ran off after everyone started pitying me.
Everyone is really upset with Korlin. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't too.
But I don't regret meeting him. And I especially don't want pity.
He's been with me from the first day I emerged in this world. Hell, I watched him emerge. We understand each other. After all, we are alike.
Not that I would ever cause mass destruction because I want to be admirable, but in other aspects we are.
I suppose he's in prison right now...
He told me to stay away from him. Which, I'm not too surprised about. He did something stupid, and I may have been the one to lead him onto that choice. I wouldn't want to see me either.
I never would have imagined this is how things ended up. I thought we'd come to this outpost, Aureole would resolve the trade issue, Rawlin would get the map, and we'd be done.
I wonder if when Rawlin arrives, assuming he'll survive the journey here, he'll be able to free Korlin. I know he betrayed my trust, but I still feel indebted to him. I owe him something, and I can't give him much when he's stuck in jail.
...
I tread over shattered glass and apparently, I've gone full circle.
I stand outside the king's quarters, which miraculously still stands.
As if on cue, the king and many healers come into view. They continuously heal the man's arm as he walks toward his home. Quilo trails behind.
A grim look rests on his face. He must still be angry with Aureole. I don't know exactly what happened, but I assume she wasn't able to prevent the king from being harmed.
The king somberly gazes at his ravaged capital. He must be frustrated. From what I could tell, the king doesn't view himself as a great leader. Likely due to his lack of experience, he's not prepared to deal with situations such as these.
He must think of himself as useless right now. Like he doesn't deserve his position or respect. Kind of like me with Kynn, huh...
The healers lead the man into his standing home. The king's quarters are a sort of symbol for this outpost. With their respect for their king, the squallers are likely relieved the symbol of their home still remains.
I stay out of sight so as to not grab his attention. That man seems to have faith in me for some reason. When I went to evacuate the sick like Korlin told me to, the king didn't act surprised at all. Like he expected it from me.
The king enters his quarters and just as Quilo is about to follow, he spots me.
What kind of sixth sense does this guy have??
The boy is given the choice to follow his dad or come up to me.
Unexpectedly, he chooses the ladder.
Quilo asked me to chat again. I have a slight suspicion it's going to be a venting session.
What am I? A vacuum for people's feelings? Why does everyone always talk to me about their problems? All I can do is listen, I'm not good at giving advice or anything.
But I will admit... It's nice to be relied on.
Quilo takes me to the tree we spoke at earlier. This place must be comforting to him. Maybe he has good memories here.
Last time we were here he told me he hated people. That the expectations placed upon him led him to despise everyone but his father. And then he thanked me just for letting him talk.
He's a strange boy. Slightly younger than me from what I can tell, but it seems as if he's already lived a life full of pain. He doesn't get close to others in fear he'll be hurt. He seems to relax around me, maybe he sees me as a kindred spirit of sorts?
In a sense we are...
While he has been kind to me, a troublesome glare rests in his eyes.
"Do you believe everyone is equal?" Quilo stares out, overlooking the damaged outpost. He sits at the zenith of the snowy mound beside the tree.
I walk over and drop beside him on a rock.
"Not really. Certain people are better than others. Some people don't have much significance in the grand scheme of things."
"...Right?! Some people don't have a point in this world at all."
"I wouldn't say that..."
"My dad is the most important person in the world to me. Everyone beside him is cruel and foul. In my eyes, everyone else is meaningless."
"..."
Quilo glances over at me and must have just realized what he said.
"Oh! Sorry! I didn't mean to insult you-"
"It's alright. I'm a pretty meaningless guy. Continue."
The boy sighs and looks back over his father's domain.
"My dad... he got poisoned by a hoarbane."
"Yeah..."
"It's not fair..." he furrows his brows. "That lunim girl should have been the one to get bit. She promised to protect him and yet she couldn't do a damn thing!"
"I'm sure she did what she could-"
"NO! SHE DIDN'T! She tried to use a stupid blessing, but all it did was waste time!"
Him insulting Aureole doesn't sit right with me. From what I can gather, he didn't do much to protect his dad either. At least Aureole tried.
"..."
"And then... just as she was about to get hit, my dad jumped in the way. He sacrificed his health to protect her... Why...?"
I almost want to say 'It's a king's duty to protect people' but I feel like that would only anger him further. Once again, I can't say a thing.
"..."
"...Is a life worth preserving if it causes yours to hurt?"
"..."
I wonder... is that how Canopus felt?
I was stuck in the hospital, absorbing all of mom's attention and care. I wonder if he felt hurt. Is that part of why he killed me?
I'll never really know... will I?
"Sirius," Quilo faces me. "Tell me, do you trust that girl?"
"...I... don't really know."
I want to say I do. But really, I've only known her for a couple of weeks, it's too early to say. I need more proof. Proof I'm not being led on or lied to. She's managed to pry open my heart a handful of times, but until I know for sure... I need to keep that lid closed.
"How did you meet her? Why are you with her?"
"Is that really important-?"
"Er-" Quilo can't find a response and sinks in place. "I guess not..."
He places his hand on his forehead and stares at the ground. He's either trying to guilt trip me or he feels stupid. I can't tell which one.
Ah, what the heck... why not?
"You know I'm a Witch Spawn, yeah?"
"Mm, that's what my dad told me."
"Well, as it turns out, I was only born into this world about twenty days ago. I didn't know what was going on or where I was."
"..."
"I was aimless. But then... she took me in. She brought me to her home and offered me shelter and food. Since then, I've worked and lived there while helping out her lord here and there. And that brought me here."
"...Are you serious?" A dumbfounded expression lurks onto his face. "There has to be more to it!"
"Uh... which part?"
"Meeting each other! She just brought you to her house?!"
"Well, no... While in the capital she got attacked by a wailian and her bracelet got stolen. I managed to retrieve it, but after that, she thanked me and left. It was two days later when she offered for me to come live with her. I was in a pretty vulnerable state, so I accepted."
He does not seem pleased with my response.
"How vulnerable?"
"Eh... I don't know how to respond to that..."
"What kind of work do you do for her lord? It's that Rawlin guy, right?"
"Y-yeah... Technically I'm a butler of sorts, but really he's having me help him make her the next queen of Lunalir. And in the process, he'll be helping me restore my memories."
"Your memories?!"
Why can't this just be common knowledge?? I mean I get it but come on... explaining this every time is tiring.
"Before I was brought here as a Witch Spawn, I lived a life, if you could even call it one. But once I died, I was brought into this world... twenty days or so days ago. But now the memories of my past life are disappearing. The lord is going to help me keep them."
"..." I think he needs a little time to process all of that. I mean, if someone told me that before all this, I wouldn't have believed them. "...And you don't find any of it suspicious?"
"What do you mean?"
"Only a few days after you get here, and it just so happens that while you're in a vulnerable state, a pretty girl shows up and offers you a place to stay. The lord, taking advantage of the fact your memories are disappearing, makes you work for him. And for what?! On some slim chance he's telling the truth? Do you even know if you can keep your memories?!"
"...No."
"What if he's lying?! What if him and the girl are playing with you to get something?! Not to mention you're a Witch Spawn! That makes it even stranger!"
"...I don't have any other options. Besides, I know both their goals are to make her queen."
"How can you be sure?! You only just met them!"
"...I guess I can't..."
"You don't find it odd they just picked someone off the street without knowing who they are?! Even if they are trying to make her queen, surely something else is at play here! You don't think they're just taking advantage of you and your situation?!"
"...It has always been a question I've had. But, even if they are, I still owe them. Even if I'm being used or tricked, the least I can do is follow along."
"Is that how little you value yourself?"
"Who knows where I'd be if she didn't take me in? I know nothing about this world or its people, apart from the fact they hate my kind. I'm practically an alien. I owe them this. Even if it is all just lies, even if I can't trust them... I'll just have to endure."
...
I will admit, it is strange. She took me in after only spending minutes together. Was she desperate for someone? She said it was to thank me, but... It can't be that simple, can it?
After I entered the mansion, while met with confusion, I was also met with kindness and care. Everyone accepted my presence almost instantly, apart from Hyacinth supposedly. It's almost like I was expected to be there. But that can't be right... right?
...I don't know.
I'm going in circles again.
"How close are you with them?"
"...Not very. We talk freely and she's seen me cry... but I wouldn't call us close. It's like you've said, I don't really know them."
"Hm..."
"You have to keep yourself safe, right?"
Quilo forms a slight grin.
"Yeah... Just be cautious. People can be cruel and try to make you care for them. Next thing you know, it was all a trap..."
"Ah, well I don't have to worry about that part."
"...What do you mean?"
...
I guess I can tell him. He wouldn't tell anybody, right? He goes on about not trusting people, so I pray he's at least somewhat credible...
But only time will tell I suppose...
I take a long, drawn-out breath and stare into the hazy sun.
"Can I tell you something? Something I've never told anyone before?"
"...Go ahead."
"I... don't care about anyone."
...
...
"..."
"I can't bring myself to get close to someone else. All the relationships I have with people... they're all fake."
"..."
"I've never loved someone. I've never connected with anyone. Be it fear or apathy, I've never been able to care for another person."
"...No one?"
I shake my head.
"Not one. Even if someone were to love me with all their heart, I wouldn't be able to reciprocate those feelings. I can't feel for others. I can't even call someone a friend... I'm surrounded by strangers."
...
"Am I a stranger to you?"
"...You are."
crunch crunch
Someone is approaching.
"My, my..."
I recognize that voice... That relaxed, alluring voice...
"You don't care about a single soul, is that right?"
Quilo and I turn around simultaneously.
And just as I suspected... it's Rawlin.
He finally arrives.
He walks up the hill with an ominous grin on his face. He's dressed for the occasion too. Along with his typical blindfold, a warm stocking hat wraps snugly over his head and cut ears. A few loose strands of teal hair stick out. He dons an expensive-looking coat and boots.
The lord always carries with him an air of mystery. He's always smiling but without seeing his eyes, it's hard to tell his emotions. He's secretive. He holds himself with an imperfect confidence I can't describe.
Maybe he wasn't always royalty? Aureole did say she only met him a couple of months ago... But what do I know? I know nothing about him. Who was he before then? Why does he look like this now? Does it even matter?
Aureole said he's a relative, but I don't know in what way. Maybe he's just a cool uncle or something. Or maybe a respectable grandpa. I don't know how long lumalins live for, he could be really old but just look really young.
I don't know... All I do know is that he's mysterious and that I can't help but respect him.
"Were you listening to all of that?" I ask him.
"I heard what I needed to. I think I've got a better grasp on your way of thinking now."
"Huh..." What is that supposed to mean? "You picked a hell of a time to show up."
"Yeah... I heard the gist of what happened at the gate." Rawlin makes his way beside me and looks out over the ruined outpost. "This place has certainly seen better days."
"..." Quilo seems annoyed at the man's presence. He glares sideways at him.
"Last time I was here I received a more pleasant welcome too. I had to shield Cilas the whole way here, those dogs were savage in their pursuit."
"Tell me about it..." Gotta love your first hoarbane experience... "What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be talking with the king?"
"Ah, well... I was heading there when I saw my trusty partner. That's you by the way. I had to come see how things were doing, you know?"
"Ah..."
I'm his partner, huh? He's called me that before but... it doesn't feel right.
"So..." Rawlin turns toward Quilo but continues speaking to me. "Have you told anyone? About your role here?"
"You make it sound like I have some sinister plan..."
"I'll take that as a no?"
I did slip and tell Aureole... but I don't see anything wrong with telling her.
"Nope," I lie.
"Hm, alright... You're more loyal than I thought you'd be."
I can't tell if he's messing with me or not.
"Is that so...?"
...
We continue staring off at the rebuilding squallers. It's a melancholic sight, to say the least.
"Sirius... may I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What is it like? Being transported to another world?"
"Uh..."
"I can only imagine the whiplash. I'm curious of your perspective."
"Why are you asking now?"
"..."
He doesn't even glance my way. He waits for my answer since he knows I will give one.
"...It's liberating... in a sense. I don't need to worry about my past or the people I left behind. I'm dead there, after all." Not that anyone in that world cares... "But, in a lot of ways... it's also baffling."
"..."
"I don't know why I'm here. I mean... I was told why but... why me? I didn't know anything about this place. My classes and just talking with you all have helped but... everything still feels foreign. Distant. It doesn't really feel real. As if my mind is truly here."
...
I have so many feelings on the matter that I can't properly convey. This reality I've been placed in feels like it's full of holes. I just can't tell why or what the reason is. Apart from the fact being reborn is absurd and goes against what I've been led to believe my whole life, something in the logic is missing.
Maybe this happens to everyone when they die? Who's to say I'm special? Korlin, Alzir, and the Timekeeper have all been reborn as well, what if the reality is that people get sent to a different world when they die? What if there are infinite worlds out there recycling people's souls?
...Who knows? All I know is that what I was led to believe what death was, was nothing more than another lie.
"Interesting..."
The lord places a hand over his mouth so I can't read his reaction. From his tone of voice, he seems intrigued.
"You think so?"
"I do." Rawlin stretches both his arms and places them at his hip. "Well then, I should get going. I have a date with the king." The lord turns around and begins his descent down the mound. "You should take your rest for the night. Tomorrow, I ask you join me as soon as you can, Sirius."
"Sure," I call back, watching him leave. "Don't tell anyone what I said!"
If Aureole or someone else finds out, it could spell trouble. Not only would it create tension between us, but it'd stun my progress to retrieving my memories.
"I wouldn't dare. But you should watch what you say around people from now on. You never know who might be listening..."
"..."
"Oh- And Sirius..."
He stops walking and turns to face me. A suspicious smile spreads across his covered face.
"..."
"You'd do well not to take people at face value. You never truly know who you can trust."
...
"...Mm."
With a final grin, the lord turns back around and falls out of sight.
"See ya."
...
...
You never truly know who you can trust, huh? Why bring that up now? Is someone listening to us right now? Is he referring to Quilo? He's been silent since Rawlin showed up. Is Quilo trying to extract information out of me or something? Should I not have told him any of this?
That's right. Of course I shouldn't have. What was I thinking? Why must I be like this? I don't even know this boy. Why did I spill my secrets with him? What is he going to do with them?
Unless Rawlin was referring to himself. Was he telling me not to trust him? But that doesn't make any sense. What about my memories? What if Rawlin really is lying? What if I can't keep my memories? What if I'm just being used? I mean, I know to some extent I am, but will I gain nothing from it?
Am I really just flailing around helplessly for something that's impossible? Is my goal reachable in my current situation? With these people? Or at all? Time may only tell, but I have to trust that it is. I have to. I don't have another choice.
...
Was I right? Was Quilo right?
Are Aureole and all of them just taking advantage of me? Was everything they've said and done just a ploy for me to get comfortable? Are they trying to lower my guard? Wilphrey and Cilas' teachings, our midnight talks, our meals, the time in the capital...
Was all of it fabricated?
...
"Ha..."
I laugh attempts to escape me.
It was too good to be true, wasn't it?
Nothing ever truly changes. Not me. Not the lies.
...
Ah...
My head hurts.
I place it into my hands and try to stop thinking.
...I'm just looking too far into things, aren't I? Right?
...
...
Suddenly, a familiar sound starts to play in my ears.
A grainy, terrible noise...
The sound of static.
"Sirius? Are you alright?"
...
"Huh-?"
I almost forgot he was there.
"Are you alright? You look pale."
"I'm fine. My head just started pounding for a moment."
It still is.
"Maybe we should head back. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to discredit your friends. I shouldn't have said all of that."
Friends...
"It's alright... I think... you've helped open my eyes a little."
"Oh...?"
"Yep," I rise to my feet. "I think I get it now..."
"...That's... good for you?"
"..."
"Well, I'm going to go head back to my dad. I want to be there when that lord is talking with him. I don't really trust him."
"...Mm."
"...See you, Sirius."
"See you."
...
Quilo descends the hill and runs off toward the king's quarters.
...
Did anything he say have truth behind it? It sounded genuine, but how can I be sure? I can't.
I don't know a damn thing.
...
Maybe I deserve this...
Maybe I deserve to be lied to. I don't care about anyone or anything but myself. Kynn's mother died, and I didn't feel a shred of sympathy. No, I was going to say something but I realized... it was pity. I was pitying Kynn.
I'm such a hypocrite. I despise being pitied yet I attempted to pity another. I complain about others lying when I do it the most. Even if I could care for someone, even if I could trust someone... I'd just be lying to them.
I'd only hurt them.
...
All I need is myself. That's how it's always been. That's how it should be.
I was delusional to think otherwise.
I make my way down the hill. I observe the townsfolk as they mingle and communicate. Even though their home was ravaged mere moments ago, they talk and share their feelings on the matter. They promise to support each other.
Ha...
I head to the shed beside Kynn's demolished home. I don't want to talk to anyone. I lie on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.
...
Static crackles in my ears.
Hours have passed.
Darkness envelops the world and stars freckle the sky.
No one has come here. Aureole and Pholy must be sleeping elsewhere.
That's probably a good thing.
I lie alone on my bed. I lie alone in this room. Not a sound dares to sing.
"Ha..."
I can't help but laugh at my situation.
I can't help but laugh at myself.
...
I wonder... when did I forget how to trust people?