December 15, 2013
Finn
It was a beautiful winter day, I was sitting in my warm room and reading a book. "Josephine!" I hear my mother shouting, I hated being called that, I hated that I couldn't tell her that I was trans without being afraid that she would hit me or that she would make me feel bad, my mother was a Christian other than religion she no longer knew anything else properly.
Today I was planning to tell her when my father was there, I felt that he would understand me, he was an atheist, he was no longer convinced that there is a God due to the fact that his prayers were almost never answered and many tragedies and traumas happened to him. I go downstairs
"Jo, look what a nice dress I got you." I didn't really wear dresses, I didn't like them, I didn't feel comfortable wearing them. I try to put a fake smile on my face and with fake ease I say.
"It's very nice, thank you." She gives it to me and tells me to go to my room to try it on. I take it and as soon as I take it a feeling of disgust comes over me. I didn't like the dress and neither did I like the pink and purple colors that this dress had in the composition. Nevaeh was walking past my room. "Jo, you look so good in your dress!"
I wanted to cry because I was forced to wear something I didn't want to wear, something that didn't represent me. Nevaeh notices this.
"Be honest, you don't like dresses do you?" "How did you know?"
"You feel like crying, don't you Finn?
"How do you know that name?"
"I found your diary, it's full of interesting stuff."
I sigh, I didn't like her reading my diary, there are private things in there that I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet. I'm not that mad at her though.
"Finn, I accept you, I've always wanted a brother, it hasn't changed how I care about you just because you're trans. I advise you to tell mom and dad too. I'm sure they'll accept you. I decide to try. I go downstairs but not in that dress, I leave it on the bed. Mom looked confused.
"Josephine, why aren't you wearing your dress, don't you like it?"
"No mom, I don't like it and I don't even like you calling me Josephine, I don't like that name, I don't feel good when you call me that."
"What are you saying, that's your name, that's what I called you, I don't remember giving you another name!" "I don't like it because I'm not a girl, I don't like being a girl, I think I'm better as a boy, I also chose a name, Finneas."
"Finneas? Josephine, what nonsense are you talking there? God didn't make you a boy, he made you a girl, look at what's in your pants and then tell me if you're a girl or a boy."
I am shocked to hear these words. My mother was looking at me with hatred, I had never seen her like that before, I had never seen so much hatred in a human gaze. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, I ran to my room and locked myself in the room. I hear screams, Nevaeh argued with our mother about this. I felt only shame and nothing more. The panic attack had started, I was breathing hard and crying. I look at the dress on the bed, on the desk I had a pair of scissors big enough to cut through the material. I take it, put the dress on the desk and plunge the scissors into it a few times, cutting it into pieces until all that was left of it was a pile of purple and pink pieces.
January 15, 2014
I had received the news that my grandparents had died in a fire in the building of the company where they used to work from time to time. They were the only people who understood me.
January 17, 2014
I had argued with Nevaeh based on the fact that we couldn't agree on what music to listen to until Seattle. We get in the car and I hear a question that made me feel uncomfortable.
"Josephine, did you take everything you were supposed to?" I hated that she still called me that, I answer her with a simple yes. Dad gets into the car and after a few minutes he says. "Finn, can you pass me the water bottle? I'm dying of thirst."
I liked that at least he and Nevaeh accepted me.
My mother started to argue with him about this. Classic. Nevaeh warns them that they will crash into another vehicle and suddenly I can't see anything and I pass out.
January 20, 2014
I had woken up and tommorow I can go home, my father had died, my mother had only a broken hand and because of the damage to her amygdala and hippocampus, Nevaeh was diagnosed with a rare syndrome, the Klüver-Bucy syndrome.