When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, he'd
frantically seek a church to duck into. The crook knew if he could
get to an altar, the frustrated posse could not arrest him until he
came out.
When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a
jackrabbit, the frightened bunny's eyes seek a hollow log. He
knows the wolves can't devour him until he emerges.
Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens.
Although unspoken, they are as secure as the tenth-century altar
or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times and places, even
the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these "safe
havens."
I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency
who each year invites me to her company's Christmas party. One
year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. Conviviality was
high and champagne flowed freely. It was a terrific bash.
The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel
level of the holiday revelers went up and up. So high, in fact, that
Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the back door and
offered to drop me off at my place.
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How to Know What
Not to Say at Parties
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As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy
voice in the crowd, "Oh Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin!" A mail-room
worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled up to her
boss and said, "You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party.
But I been doin' some figuring. If half what it cost went into a
child-care facility for the seven, count 'em, seven mothers with
preschool children who work here . . ."
Kirstin, a top communicator, took Jane's hands in hers and
gave her a big smile. She said, "Jane, you're obviously excellent at
math. You're right, just about half of what this party cost would
indeed pay for the opening of such a facility. Let's talk about it
during business hours." We then made a swift departure.
On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said,
"Whew, I'm glad that's over."
"Didn't you enjoy the party, Kirstin?" I asked.
"Well, sure," she said, "But you never know what's going to
happen. For instance," she said, "that remark Jane made." She
went on to explain management had already had several meetings
about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans
for turning an unused storage area into a beautiful nursery were
already in the works. Naïvely, I asked Kirstin why she hadn't mentioned that to Jane.
"It wasn't the right time or place." Kirstin had handled the situation at the party the way any big winner would—no spoken
confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later).
Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven
rule, "Parties Are for Pratter." Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she
punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months
down the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor
Jane wouldn't even know why she was passed over.
Will it be because of a one-time overimbibing? Jane might
grumble, "Yes." Jane is wrong. It's simply that big players can't take
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the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday
spirit at another party and next time confront an important client.
Let's move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape
the claws of bigger cats and, they hope, the growls of lesser ones