One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another difference between big winners and little losers. Several years ago I was
doing a project for a client. I had the pleasure of being taken to
lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm. They wanted to familiarize me with communications problems their company was
experiencing.
We went to a busy midtown restaurant at peak lunchtime.
Every table was filled with a variety of corporate creatures. Upperand middle-management types were lunching in their suits and
ties or high-collar blouses. Workers and secretaries were munching in their blue shirts or short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing
with conversation and conviviality.
Over the entrée, we were in deep discussion about the company's challenges. The CFO, Mr. Wilson, was talking about the
financial outlook when suddenly, BLAM! Not six feet away, a
waiter dropped a tray full of dishes. Glasses broke, silverware clattered against the marble floor, and a hot baked potato rolled under
our table in a direct path for Wilson's feet.
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How to Win Their
Affection by
Overlooking Their
Bloopers
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Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the
humiliated waiter. We heard a cacophony of "Uh-oh," "Butterfingers!" "Whoops, watch it!" "Boy, that's his last lunch here,"
and a variety of tittering and derisive laughter.
Wilson, however, didn't miss a word of his monologue. Not
one big player at my table turned or blinked an eye. It was as
though nothing had happened. The restaurant gradually quieted
down around us as we continued our deliberations. (A few minutes later the baked potato shot back out from under our table. At
that moment, I found myself wondering whether Wilson had been
a soccer player in his youth.)
Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms. Dawson, was discussing the company's planned expansion. Suddenly she made an
expansive gesture with her arms that knocked over her coffee cup.
Just as I was about to say, "Oh dear," I bit my tongue. Before I
could grab my napkin to help, Dawson was dabbing the muddy
puddle with hers, and not missing a syllable of her soliloquy. None
of her cool colleagues at the table even seemed to notice the overturned cup.
At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no bloopers, hear no bloopers. They never say "Butterfingers" or "Whoops"
or even "Uh-oh." They ignore their colleagues' boners. They simply don't notice their comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and
blunders. Thus, the technique "See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers" was born.
Let Me Suffer in Your Silence
I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, "Oh, are you coming down with a cold?" Every time I miss a step on a curb, it's "Be
careful!" Every time he sees me after a long day's work he asks,
"Are you tired?" Granted, this is small fry in the great bouillabaisse
of bloopers. And the poor guy probably genuinely thinks he's
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being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a
cold, missing the curb, and looking tired are less than cool. Let
me suffer—in YOUR silence.
If you're having dinner with a friend and she makes a boner,
be blind to her overturned glass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough,
or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your "gesundheit,"
"whoops," or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their
own human frailty.
"Fine," you say, "for small slips, but what should one do in
extreme circumstances?" Say a rippling tide of soda is flooding
across the table in your direction and it will be impossible to ignore
by the time it reaches your lap.
If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and
keep talking. Try not to miss a syllable of the sentence you started
before the oncoming tide. At this point, your companion might
mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical "It's
nothing" into your current phrase and continue talking. On such
small sands the castles of big cat camaraderie are built.
298 How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #78
See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers
Cool communicators allow their friends, associates,
acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of
being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing
biological functions. They simply don't notice their
comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas.
They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of
human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never
gape at another's gaffes.
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If people hate to be reminded of the moments when they're
not shining, there is another event almost as disillusioning. It is
when a talker is shining and the spotlight abruptly pivots to a more
urgent matter. The speaker is forgotten in the flurry.
Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabber's
eyes with the technique that follows.