One day on a Sunday evening, I went to church with only my father, because my mother had other plans to do. The church I went to that day was not the usual church we usually go to; it was far away from our home. It is a very small church, not too many people compared to other churches generally. But I like that, the community is so friendly and full of a lot of people my age. They welcome me with an open hand. On that day, after the Sunday service finishes there is a short get-together for youth there. I already knew the people in our group, but there was this one boy who came to the church our pastor was the one who invited him to come. Then in our gatherings, we usually share anything about our lives or what we learn from the sermon that day. We went in turn, one by one. And then this new boy introduced himself to all of us. After that it was my turn, I talked about how my book was going, and my plan for collaborating with a mental health non-profit organization to do a podcast together.
I ask them to pray for me so all will go smoothly. They all were so supportive, which makes me grateful.
Then on that very same day, this new boy WhatsApp me directly, I noticed he got my number from our WhatsApp group chat. Because it is nice to have a new friend, I reply to him, saying nice to meet you. He proceeds to ask about the details of my podcast and my books. It was nice that he was interested in my work. And I thought that would be a one-time thing. Usually, I was the person who had to initiate first so my friends and the people around me wanted to talk to me. But this time he was the one who initiated. From that very day, he would not fail to message me, asking how I am, and what I am doing, and just saying some random stuff, and getting to know each other too. I was already suspicious, to be honest. So, I asked him "Do you always chat with your friends this often?" then he replied, "Yes, I guess?, am I bothering you?" I tell him that "I don't mind actually". After chatting for about two weeks (Remember he could not fail to talk to me every day) he asked me if we could hang out. I was in a state of searching for new friends, so I accepted.
When I am overthinking about him, I message my friend about him and how he has been giving an aura of liking me more than my friends. And she said, "I could go with you when you are going to hang out with him, so you would be giving an impression of just being friends and nothing more". I was happy that she helped me that day because I could not shake the feeling of him having an alternative motive. The day we hung out together, the three of us, just talked and ate lunch together and became more familiar with each other. It was nice.
I message them and tell them thank you for today when we get back home. I don't remember when it was specifically but because he is always asking how I am, that makes me go to him when I need a friend to talk to. He is so available that I don't question it anymore. But as weeks went by, he already hinted to me that he could not sleep, and the reason behind it would make me uncomfortable if I knew. I took a guess, but I just played dumb. Because I don't find him romantically attractive, and the truth is he is not my type. So, when he confesses to me about his feelings for me, I end up in a state of dilemma. In my mind, there are two voices about this situation, one is saying "Just turn him down, and tell him I don't feel the same way towards you", and the other one says "Now is your chance to finally have someone to could consider dating later in life". I was confused about my feelings for him after he confessed, I thought I didn't like him, but when he stop chat with me, I felt terrible feelings about losing people. So, I did make the mistake of turning him down, but after about a week I chatted with him again and said that I wanted to get to know him better first, and I miss his attention towards me. Then he said that I should give him time to think about me again. And his attention to caring about how I am, giving some pretty lovely messages to me, I think that is the start of me considering him to be someone I can trust and be with. In my mind, the pros and cons were equal at that time, which makes me so confused, yet again I doubt myself. After that, we agreed to get to know each other more first before anything, so he took me on a movie date and we went to a gun range, to shoot for fun. We share some pretty heavy topics, I can say that he had many traumas too in his childhood, I am emptied with him, and just listen with no judgment. With that, he is pretty much an open book now.
I too open up to him, but not as much as him. I can see that he is hurting, and is searching for something to fill the hole in our hearts. I felt that even though we connected, our chat and all, there was still some red flag that made me still not romantically attracted to him. But like I had already said, having someone who is there for you, and makes time for you even if they are busy, warms my heart so much.