In those days of trying to get to know each other more, I was confused about my feelings towards this boy right in front of me. He tells me that he wants to work abroad after graduating from university. His ambitions were big, making me think about how I am still lost in planning my future. "I could learn from him," I said to myself. But even though I fully support him, because it is his life, he can choose whatever his heart desires, I will not be the person who stands in the way of people's dreams. Still, even though I look okay all the time, the feeling of being left alone makes me a bit sad. Because, when I learn more about myself, I like the comfort of someone who is there for me no matter what, being present, and close physically and mentally.
Then the last time we went on a date to spend hours together, I asked if he wanted to come to my house and we could just chill and watch movies. He was down to it, so we planned it. I was nervous about asking for my parent's permission, but I got the permission in the end. So, I asked if he could come or not. He said yes, and looked forward to it, surprisingly I did too. But on the due date, in the morning he messaged me saying he woke up late, then after hours had passed, he messaged me again saying at the last minute that his parent had changed their mind, and would not allow him to come to my house. I was mad at him, not because he couldn't come, but because he wouldn't just tell me that his parent had not consented from the start. The communication between him and his parent was not the healthiest, I know. But I thought he would be a little mature. The way I look at it, he is not the type of person for me. From there, my dilemma has been answered he is not the one for me. I asked him to give me some space to think. And then he gave me.
After not talking to him for about a day or two, I finally have this gut feeling that I need to let him go. I message him saying I wanted to talk, but I was a coward, and just WhatsApp him instead of calling him. Then I turned him down, I said "We can't be together, not just because of what happened yesterday, but after getting to know you and myself, I come to a conclusion about what I want in a life partner. And you have helped me with knowing what I want and what I don't want too. So once again I am sorry, we are not each other soul mate. I let you go, so you can move on, and find someone else who will love you back, more than I could".
He listened to me and said "Okay I get it, I respect your decision, I am sorry too, that I can't be there for you when you need it the most, and I genuinely loved you, I could never hate you. Please know that I wanted all of you and not just your body. I hope too that you will find someone better than me". So I said goodbye and asked if he wanted to rant to me more, and he just said "No" but, asked me not to block him, and if I ever message him, he will still answer me.
It went more smoothly than I imagined, I felt free, and I managed to tell him everything in my heart. I felt relieved to find my answer, being confused with one's feelings is a terrible thing to feel, at least for me that is.
After a couple of months gone by, I successfully did not turn to him again when I needed someone close to me. I am an impulsive person, and if I am hurting so much on the inside, I would always want to find empathy from other people. And that can be a very unhealthy habit. I am still learning to be better, and not be impulsive all the time.
One day, in around June, I saw his Instagram profile was changed into a silhouette of two people in an aquarium. I can tell that it must be him and his new girlfriend. Because he is not the type of person who would do that if not serious. At first, I felt jealous, but after I thought about it, I was happy for him to find someone else. So, I found the courage to ask him about it, and he said "Yes", he was so happy, and I told him how happy I was for him and said all the best to you too. He said, "Thank you".
Then the feeling of envy and jealousy punched me in the stomach. I feel happy and sad simultaneously. My mind was full of negative thoughts about maybe I was never going to find my life partner, because I am too much for people. And when someone finally wants to try and accept me, I don't feel the same to them. Why? I asked myself. But did not find the answers. My older cousin once said, "You don't need to be with a person who likes you, but you don't feel the same way about that person, you don't need to feel the pressure to accept someone just because you are lonely". That makes me realize I am a lot more selfish than I imagine. Being with someone has to have two-way communication and feelings, and not just be one-sided, I need to engrave it on my mind. I still have the feeling of loneliness, that is why I seem desperate to find love. I envy someone who I see as a dynamic duo. I want that, I want what they have. Even though I know deep down what is best for me will come at the right time eventually, in the meantime I'll hold on to that hope tightly.