Dressed in the beige suit I have only ever worn once, I stand outside in the spring weather with my two siblings. This is the sort of weather that I find pleasant. The scent of pollen tickles my senses and when I glance around, I spot the source of the fragrance—my father's garden is beginning to bloom with various coloured hydrangeas. Some of them are even scaling up the walls on the side of the house.
I feel my little sister's stink eye piercing through my temple and my gaze reluctantly flickers over to her. Her glower intensifies and the corners of her lips tighten in irritation.
Awkwardly, I try to smile at her to placate her fury, but her stern expression remains unchanged. Her eyes continue to glare at me almost resentfully. She absolutely blames me for the predicament we are in right now but how was I to know that Ji Ho would go to such lengths? I tried my best to talk him out of this, but nothing was going to deter him from having this funeral.
He is making us bury my now-withered rose as if this was a major loss. He even dug up a hole and everything.
"This is all your fault," she whisper-shouts through her gritted teeth.
"What?"
"This stupid funeral and," she grasps on the edges of her dress harshly, "the reason why I had to wear this stupid dress."
Ji Ho turns around to glare at us, holding his finger up to his lips to hush us. Bashfully, we both bow our heads and respectfully, I pretend to mourn the loss of my rose.
While adjusting the cuffs of my sleeves, I look over at my sister through my peripheral again and catch her glancing right back at me. When I mouth an apology at her, her gaze softens the tiniest bit before she shakes her head indifferently.
After the conclusion of the funeral service, I tiredly trudge up the stairs, the thumps of my dress shoes against the wooden floorboard ringing loudly.
While loosening the tie around my neck, I push the door to my bedroom open before tossing my body on the bed, flopping around like a silly salmon. My eyes immediately flutter closed but before I can fall deep into the blanket of sleep my phone lights up on the dresser. Blinking awake, I exhaustively strain my arm to reach for it and once I have it in my grasp, I turn over to lie on my back holding the device over my face. Even with how low I have the brightness on my phone, the blue light still has my eyes stinging.
After rubbing my fist against my eyelids, I think to myself that I should probably get some sleep. My brain is not working as well as it does on other occasions but as soon as I see the name displayed on the screen, my exhaustion fades away and I motivate myself to sit up, leaning my head against the headboard.
After answering the call, I hold the phone against my ear and quietly say, "Hello."
"How do you sound even more tired than before?" Kai questions in bemusement, slight laughter in his tone.
"Please don't even..." A chuckle escapes my lips and hearing it, it sounds like a cross between a wheeze and a snort. "Cause I cannot seem to catch a break today. A bunch of stuff just keeps coming up and I haven't had the opportunity to have a good night's sleep."
A murmur of acknowledgement rings in the back of his throat and then he muses curiously, "So I'm guessing we will not be able to meet up today."
My mouth opens to confirm that I probably will not be able to see him later today but for some reason, the words do not leave my mouth. I instead release a tired yawn and I still ask him, "When do you have to go back to Oxfordshire?"
"Tomorrow."
Even though my brain feels mentally tormented by my decision, I hesitantly suggest, "I think I could meet you later in the afternoon if I take a quick nap. Just to recuperate some energy because I am tired as a motherfucker. My brain is barely keeping up."
"You don't have to do that. If you're really tired, you should get as much rest as possible."
Even though I am really tired and I do want to get some sleep, I don't want to miss my chance to see him before he leaves. There are still so many things I need to figure out and the only way to do so is to speak to him, not only about the kiss we shared but the truth about that first text that I sent to him where I seemingly confessed to liking him. I need to tell him the reason why I did it and ask him what his reason was for kissing me back. Does he have feelings for me?
Is that what he meant when he told me that he likes me back?
"When's the last time you genuinely got eight hours of shut-eye?" he questions me and through my end, I hear him shifting around before the sound of clicking comes through my speaker. It sounds like typing on a keyboard.
"I don't think I have ever slept for eight hours," I admit to him. "Besides, isn't that just a suggestion? Like how they tell you to drink thirteen cups of water a day but really you only need about two?"
"What? No, who told you that? It's not just a suggestion," he exclaims in a scolding tone and I purse my lips in order not to burst into chuckles. "You need to drink about fifteen cups of water a day and try to sleep for eight hours every day if you want to remain healthy."
An amused grin escapes me as he goes on this tangent about how our bodies are a temple and we should care for them. Even though I can hear a few of the words that he is saying, my brain can hardly keep up and in the end, his voice starts sounding like a beautiful hum, singing me to sleep.
"I think I'll be fine after a power nap," I tell him in determination and even when I try to sound like I am not on the verge of passing out, it does not work.
"Are you sure?"
The concern in his tone does not go unnoticed and after closing my eyes, I feel the corners of my lips tilting up a bit. My heart rate slows down a bit as I am lulled into a relaxed state by his voice while simultaneously the knots in my stomach tighten. I feel warm.
"Mm-hmm."
With a defeated sigh, he responds with his uncertainty coming through his tone, "If you think you'll be okay after your power nap, then we can meet later today."
"Cool."
As the silence between us stretches out, I realise that it does not make me feel uncomfortable. It's a peaceful silence that doesn't feel heavy with unspoken words. I think to myself that I could become accustomed to this.
"I... I can't wait to see you," he stammers out nervously.
In my blind state, the smile on my face widens and I ask, "Why do you sound so nervous?"
He does not respond and I can see him turning red with embarrassment.
Another round of laughter causes me to shake against my headboard and afterwards, I quietly say, "I can't wait to see you too."
"Yeah?"
"I can hear the smile in your voice, you muppet."
He too bursts into chuckles after I say that to him and the smile on my face stretches onto my lips as I scratch the itch in my hair.
"What have you been up to today that you haven't even gotten an opportunity to sleep?"
I lie back down on my back. "Well, I had to take one of my siblings to the park so she could hang out with her friends and when we came back home, my brother told me that my rose died while we were out camping. He was so torn up about it that he made us have a funeral for it and everything."
"No shot."
"Yeah."
"That's kinda cute."
"It actually isn't. Especially when I was planning on going straight to bed after coming back home."
As I lay down on my bed, I frown in confusion when I notice how unusually soft my pillow feels wrapped around my head today. The moment I settled in, a wave of exhaustion washes over me and makes my eyes heavy and droopy. When I open my mouth to take a deep breath, before I know it a big yawn escapes me. My body is clearly begging for sleep and I immediately know that I will not be able to resist its call for much longer.
"Did you hear what I just said?"
"Hmm?" I perk up at his question, my eyes widening in surprise when I realise that I zoned out for a moment. Involuntarily, my mouth opens wide and another yawn falls out of me. Tears sting my eyes and I bring my hand up to rub at them.
"Are you falling asleep?"
"Sorry, I'm really tired." In the midst of feeling exhausted and drained, I notice the petulant tone in my voice as I replay my words back to myself. It is as if I am throwing a tantrum like a child who has not learned to control their impulses yet. After taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I hesitantly call out, "Kai?" in hopes of getting his attention.
"Hmm?"
I know I should tell him him the truth about the message which was intended for someone else. My conversation with both Dominic and Jodie today has shown me that secrecy and withholding the truth from someone, even though you think might be better for them, is not the right way to conduct yourself. He deserves to know the truth even though I selfishly want to pretend for just a little while longer that my affection for him has been with me since the very beginning.
With a resigned sigh, I gnaw on my bottom lip. "Uhm... remember when I sent you that text a few months ago? The one where I... essentially wrote that I liked you."
"You mean one of the most nerve-wracking moments of my life?"
"Yeah, uh... I need to be honest with you," I start anxiously, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering around violently, "that message I sent you wasn't... actually meant for you."
He goes silent for a moment and I can imagine him being taken aback before he murmurs in confusion, "What?"
"Yeah," I say back sheepishly, bracing myself for the inevitable heartbreak.
"Who was it meant for?"
Wincing at the question, I hesitantly say, "Dominic."
Again, he remains deathly quiet and I feel the nerves eating away at me. What is currently going through his mind? Is he mad at me? "I... do not understand. Why did you not clear that up from the beginning? Why did you feel the need to lie?"
"I guess I was scared because I didn't know what you meant when you told me that you liked me back. I didn't want to get it wrong and mess it all up. I really liked talking to you and hanging out with you. I didn't wanna risk ruining that."
A sigh escapes him and travels to my side of the device. "I don't know what to think."
"I'm sorry I lied," I say to him quietly, my words leaving with a slight slur as I grow drowsier. "Please don't be mad at me."
"Uhm... okay. Just get some sleep and call me back when you wake up, yeah?"
My mouth opens to try and get a response out of him for my request, but then I realise that he might need some time to think my confession over. Regretfully, I nod and whisper, "Okay."
"Alright. Speak soon."
"G'night," I say thoughtlessly without realising that it's actually one in the afternoon.
He does not correct me though. He says the same thing back to me, hilarity in his tone before hanging up on me. The second he does, my hand grows lax, the phone falls onto the bed and my eyes flutter shut.