The only people left now are my three university friends. Richard and Sabina are arguing over the fact that she took his game away from him to participate in a stupid, childish game. Over the bonfire, I ask the other person who has stayed behind if he wants to take a little walk around the grounds of the retreat before heading to our respective cabins. When he bobs his head up and down in agreement, we both get up out of our chairs and walk side by side.
Behind us, Sabina yells at us to stay protected and underneath the darkness of the night, my face heats up. Was that an innuendo for something sexual or is my brain working a mile a minute, making connections which are not even a thing?
"I heard there are stargazer tents somewhere around here," I inform him as we find a trail to stroll along. "You like stars, right?"
"I like stars?" he bursts out laughing.
"What?" I muse, bemused by his reaction. Did I unintentionally say something funny?
"No, it's just the way you said that. I have never heard anyone describe Astronomy to me like that. You like stars, right?" Again, he bows down into his chest, shoulders shaking with a guffaw. "Yes, Seong Jin, I like stars. Why, are we going to sneak into the stargazer tents?"
"And get in trouble with the staff? No, we'll just find a log on the ground somewhere and watch the stars from there."
"How much would it cost to rent a stargazer tent?" he asks while turning around to walk backwards in front of me.
I shrug at the question.
When his eyes playfully glimmer at me, I look at him questioningly and he muses, "So, lied to a best friend about having feelings for their boyfriend?"
With a small groan, I bite down on my bottom lip so that my lips don't tilt up. "That was so targeted."
"It really was. What was she talking about?"
"Basically, I used to have feelings for Edward back when he moved in front opposite our house but later on, as you can tell, he started dating my best friend."
"Oh."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Well," I begin, my voice a mix of nerves and after making sure to lower my voice so that only he and I can hear my next question, I ask, "What is... what's it like to... you know, have sex with someone?"
His eyes widen in surprise and a light blush creeps up his cheeks. Awkwardly, he scratches the little hairs on the nape of his neck, avoiding making any eye contact with me. After clearing his throat and fidgeting around, almost tripping on a root sticking out of the ground, he finally responds.
"Um, well, it's... uh, like... um, it's hard to describe," he stutters, his words an incomprehensible jumble.
"I've just made it awkward, haven't I?"
He lets out a nervous chuckle but instead of shying away from responding he says, "Most people will tell you how special and intimate something like that is for them but my first time ever having sex was with a guy and it was just really awkward and clumsy and I had no idea what I was doing majority of the time. Thinking about it only brings back a memory I have tried to suppress out of trauma."
I nod at his words, my own cheeks inadvertently catching on fire slightly at the awkwardness of the conversation. Why have I just asked him that? Curiosity perhaps.
Clarifyingly, he says. "I'm not saying that sex is awkward and clumsy all the time. It can definitely be something intimate. I just don't have the fondest of memories when it comes to it."
"Yeah, no I get it," I reply with a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. To change the subject quickly, I muse, "By the way, have you noticed the blatant flirting from Savannah or are you just blind?"
"What? Flirting? No way has she been flirting," he exclaims, feigning surprise and the sarcasm in his tone makes me grin in amusement. "I have not noticed it at all. I mean, when she put her hand on my thigh, I thought she was just being friendly."
"Okay, so you have noticed."
"Yeah, she has not been subtle about it at all."
"So, do you like her?"
"I mean, she's pretty," he says, lifting his shoulders nonchalantly, "but I barely know her. I don't even know her surname."
"Okorie," I tell him and when his brows furrow in intrigue, I add, "Kenyan. Her parents were from Kenya but they passed away when we were in the eighth grade."
"Oh."
Eventually, the stargazer tents come into view, and we slowly stop walking and halt a fair distance away from them. When we find our lone log on the ground, he dusts some leaves off it and sits down on it. I decide to lean against a tree watching him. Is this the right time to ask him about what his friend told me this morning?
In the stillness of night, we are surrounded by the quiet whisper of the wind and the gentle rustling of leaves overhead. He immediately tilts his head back to look up at the stars and his hair falls back, away from his eyes.
I can barely see his features in the dark, the only thing illuminating his face is the small sliver of light coming from the moon and it only shadows his lashes. Every time my gaze lingers on him, I feel myself getting lost in my emotions, my heart fluttering and everything, and then I think about Yang Jin's words again and I can't help the curiosity that plays around in my mind.
"What?" he muses when he catches my eyes on him.
I shake my head.
"You've been doing that a lot. What's up?"
"I feel like it'd be rude to ask, but on the other hand it is also very hard not to be curious about it."
He looks at me thoughtfully. "You're thinking about Yang Jin's warning about me."
Reluctantly, I bob my head up and down in confirmation.
"Alright, I guess it's time you knew the truth." He taps on the space beside him on the weathered log.
When I sit down beside him, I quickly say, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
Ponderously, he looks at my face and his eyes flicker around. I can tell that he's nervous to tell me his big secret. After heaving a large breath from his chest, he quietly states, "I used to be a drug addict."
I don't know what I was expecting, but it most definitely was not that.
"And I'm not talking about just the occasional weed or gummy bears, but actual hard drugs. The kind that ruins your life. Well, I mean, they all ruin your life, I guess, but uh…"
His hand comes up and he scratches the back of his neck.
"I did not think it was much of a problem at first, but the deeper I sunk into it, the more I started losing sight of who I was. I started stealing shit from my mum and friends, hanging with the wrong people. I met your brother during that time. The people who I was hanging with were his friends too. He saw that version of me and I guess that's the reason why he warned you about me."
I'm still stunned into silence and even if I were to speak, it wouldn't seem appropriate, nor would I know what to say.
He continues, "Uh, I think I only realised the effects of my actions when it started to become clear how much I was hurting everyone around me."
Attentively, I listen to him.
"When my mum was yelling at me for taking fifty quid out of my her purse without asking. I didn't notice it at first because I was high as a kite that day but that entire time my sister was sitting on the stairs. She was just sitting there, silently crying and that's when it finally hit me. I could finally see how much I was hurting the people who loved me even at my worst. How much I, her big brother, someone she once looked up to, how much I was hurting her. So, I decided right then and there that I was going to try and get clean. The gap year I took was because I needed to go to rehab."
When I don't say anything, he gnaws down on his bottom lip and his eyes fearfully watch me.
Quietly he whispers with his expression growing a little defeated, "I understand if you don't want to hang around me anymore."
I knew it.
I fucking knew when I said that whatever it was that he was hiding from me wasn't going to be enough to make me want to even remotely consider staying away from him.
My mouth stays shut and because I don't respond, his throat bobbles up and down as he swallows a gulp. Then he nervously digs his fingers into his eye and glances away at everything else. The trees, the stars, his trainers. Still, my eyes follow his movements. My mind is blank. All I see is him.
Timorously, I whisper, "Can I kiss you?"