After ushering Dominic out of my house yesterday, my actions had me contemplating and pondering for a while, a very long while. I think even as I rested my head on my soft pillow, counting the brightly blinking stars on my ceiling, the train of thought in my head kept choo-chooing around all throughout the night.
What really had me scratching my head in bemusement was why I chose not to tell him that I was at a skatepark with someone else the day preceding yesterday.
Why exactly did I feel like omitting that bit of the story? Was it something really worth hiding from him? Was it not a bit of trivial information? I mean, it's not like we did anything wrong going to a skatepark together and then later on getting lunch together. Even though my heart did skip a beat once during the night when the warm light was kissing his beautiful, soft features.
Today during our Physics lesson, which is the only class that Dominic and I share together when he so clearly waved me over to sit with him, I purposefully pretended as if I didn't see his gesture and walked over to sit with Christian, trying very hard not to trip over with how ungainly my steps felt.
I definitely didn't miss the way his deathly stare was burning into my temple throughout the entire lesson, and I tried as hard as I could to avoid said stare and pretend as though I was unaffected by it.
I don't know what I'm doing.
As I'm about to step into the room of my final class a few minutes early with my nose still stuck between the pages of my notebook to soak in some final information before the test, I spring out of my skin when someone wraps a hand around my arm and tugs me backward.
In surprise, my gaze flickers up and slowly I relax when I see the familiar, black beanie hiding the dark, rowdy curls within them. Until it dawns on me that he's the person I have been trying to avoid all day.
He doesn't look impressed.
Where is he taking me?
"I have a test to write," I say to him while throwing my head over my shoulder to see a few students lingering outside the door of the classroom, probably still trying to soak in their last bit of information. I'm worried that he's going to make me miss it.
"Yeah, I know. You mentioned it yesterday before slamming the door in my face," he retorts lowly, and I don't miss the scornful tone in his voice.
Bashfully, my eyes flicker down to my shoes.
"And don't think I didn't notice how you were avoiding me in Physics by purposefully rushing over to sit with Christian."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I say with a mild stammer. It's enough to expose the deception in my words.
Somehow, someway we find ourselves in the janitorial closet yet again. It's a bit dark in here and all I can see is his silhouette until he switches the light on. From top to bottom, I study him and my eyes linger on his familiar, monotone coloured clothing. They remind me of the boy I fell for in the eighth grade. I'm guessing now that he has broken up with Jodie, he doesn't feel the need to keep wearing clothes that apparently don't make him appear gay. Which, now thinking about it, is pretty ironic.
"Why are we here?" I ask him nervously, even though I already know the answer to my question.
"Why are you avoiding me?" he questions me instead, deciding to ignore my question. Then again, him asking that is answer enough.
"I'm not avoiding you."
"Yes, you are. What's wrong? I thought after breaking up with Jodie you and I would—"
"You and I would what?" I demand, cutting him off and the way my eyes narrow on him curiously almost happens unconsciously.
"I don't know, but I definitely was not expecting you to give me the cold shoulder like this. You know I hate it when you do this. Don't you remember when I was giving you the cold shoulder?"
At his question, the look in my eyes softens and I avert my gaze guiltily.
"Yeah, it just isn't very fun. So, I would rather we just have open communication from the get-go. What's wrong?"
With a loud sigh heaving from the depths of my chest, I defeatedly say, "I don't know. It's just that, I have liked you for so long and I've dreamt of the day you finally reciprocate my feelings—"
"But?"
"But I don't like how it was contingent on you breaking up with Jodie."
"Would you rather I still be with her?"
"No, I didn't mean it like that. I just… I don't like being the reason why you broke up with her. It just makes me feel so much worse, worse than before when all we were doing was kissing."
The corners of his lips twitch a bit and after pinching his eyes shut, he quietly mutters, "I forgot how stupid you are sometimes."
"Okay, if you're just gonna throw insults at me, I'll just make my way back to class to write my test."
With an indignant frown adorning my expression, I turn around to reach for the door handle. Again, he grabs my arm and pulls me back into him, until I can almost feel the heat emitting from his body.
"Your stupidity is one of the things that made me fall for you," he whispers and my face heats up at his words.
"Don't say things like that," I stammer, my gaze wavering in embarrassment to focus on the hydrochloric acid on the shelf. Why is it that I'm always looking at that bottle?
In amusement, I hear him releasing a short snort in the back of his nose. "I did not break up with Jodie because of you. I broke up with Jodie because it would have been unfair to both of us if I kept stringing her along when I didn't feel the same way about her that she does about me."
"It's just, you did it so quickly and so easily. As if she meant absolutely nothing to you in the first place."
"I hate beating around the bush, Seong Jin. It's just a waste of time. The quicker I broke up with her, the better. For everyone."
Blinking up at him in interest, I muse, "How did she take it by the way?"
"She actually didn't really react."
"Really?"
That's weird. That's not the type of person Jodie is.
I still recall when in primary school Timothy broke things off with her, she first looked at him incredulously. Then she started chuckling deliriously and as her laughter grew more maniac, both Taylor and I were urgently mouthing over at the little boy to run because she was probably going to kill him. When she merely spun around on her heels and skipped back to her seat, waving us over with an innocent grin on her face, we both glanced over at each other with perplex shining in our eyes.
Until the following day, Timothy found a bunch of maggots in his bag. The little shit-eating grin on Jodie's face was telling who was responsible for it.
"Yeah, it was a bit shocking if I must say. She just gave me this emotionless look and when I asked her if she was okay, she... smiled at me. I could tell it was fake, but I didn't push for the truth. I'm sure she didn't want her ex to sit her down and try to pry information out of her after he just broke up with her."
"Does she know about me? That I'm partly the reason why you broke up with her?" I ask in a panic, worried that I might wake up tomorrow to find maggots in my bag. I actually have a slight phobia of maggots. Other insects, I have no problem touching, but just the sight of maggots gets the shivers running up and down my spine endlessly.
"No."
"Why didn't you tell her?"
"Because it doesn't concern her. That's our business. Besides, that would just be adding salt to the wound, don't you think?"
"Yeah," I nod and I am slightly grateful to have an excuse to hold onto not to tell Jodie that part of the reason why Dominic broke things off with her is me. It would just be adding salt to the wound. "Yeah, you're right. Um… I have to go to class now, to write my test."
With a sly grin sneaking onto his lips, he says halfheartedly, "How about a little goodbye kiss?"
"No."
"Why not? I'm always the one initiating our kisses. In fact, I'm pretty sure I initiated all three of our kisses. Normally, you just stand there, blinking up at me which works because it makes you look so fucking irresistible."
"I told you, stop saying things like that."
"Why are you so shy all of a sudden?"
"Well, Dominic, this might come as a surprise to you, but I have never had someone flirt with me before nor have I ever had a boyfriend, so I don't actually know what to do in these sorts of situations. I've only ever fantasised about it."
"Are you implying that I'm your boyfriend?"
Blankly, I blink up at him and before he can open his mouth to retort with something smart, the door opens and we both snap our heads over to see the janitor who is standing outside with a bemused look on his face at the sight of two, teenage boys in his janitorial closet. Mop and bucket in his hand.
"Out," he mutters monotonously in a no-nonsense tone and without question, Dominic and I hurriedly slip past the door.
Just as I'm about to enter my class, he grabs my hand again and as always, his palm feels warm against mine. Every time he willingly touches me, it never fails to catch me off guard nor knock the breath out of me.
I am still shocked that he actually has feelings for me. Everything feels like a dream I have yet to wake from. I remember him describing most of my attributes as irritating. Was he just lying, trying to take a jab at me? No, he probably meant it at the time. What about now? He did just describe my stupidity as something that made him fall for me.
To make sure that no one is focusing on us, I look around and fortunately they aren't. Everyone has their own issues and troubles to worry about.
"I'll see you after school. We really need to talk about us, make sure we're on the same page. Okay?" He stares at me earnestly and it makes me a bit nervous at the thought of us having a serious conversation about... us.
"Okay," I say, and I have to project my voice so that I'm audible.
"Yeah?"
Soundlessly, I bob my head up and down.
"Okay, I'll see you. Good luck on your test."
A smile breaks out over my face when he turns around to jog away from me towards his class until said smile wavers away when my feelings of guilt return and this time it is Kai's dimpled grin which brings those feelings out of me.