I moved away from the place where the beast I had killed by a lucky chance was lying towards the south, leaving behind marks in the form of small stones every 10 meters.
It wasn't exactly cool right now, but it wasn't warm either. I got goose bumps every time there was a slight breeze, but after that I quickly returned to normal.
Stupid world and stupid system, what should I do now?
Behind another tree, I suddenly ran into two people: a girl in a magic robe with a staff and a man in leather armor without a helmet.
"Pervert!" the girl screamed, pointing her wooden staff at me.
"Calm down, calm down, I can explain everything," I raised my hands up, lowering only the bag of pebbles.
"Come on now, you only have 10 seconds," the man said, pulling his sword out of its scabbard.
"Wait, let me check his stats first," the girl said, which made me worried.
Do they know about the system too?!
"All-seeing Eye!" she recited the spell.
No, no, no, f*cking no!
She looked at me intently, but after a split second her eyes bulged in bewilderment and anger.
"He's a virgin!" she shouted, pointing at me with her staff.
"A virgin?!" the man shouted back, assuming an angry look.
Oh, f*ck! What does that have to do with it, idiots?!
I took the bat in my hands tighter, but I was already preparing to run away.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the girl said calmly, to which we both looked at her in amazement. "I wanted to say one thing, but my gaze lingered on another and I read the wrong one, hee-hee."
"Oh, well, it happens," the fighter replied with a smile.
Even so, you were ready to kill me just because I'm a virgin?! Stupid bastards!
"I wanted to say," the girl replied, "that he is a murderer!"
"A murderer?!" the man in the leather armor glared at me angrily again.
After that, he rushed at me, but I already rushed back, but... I stumbled and fell!
Behind me, I also heard an uneven scream, as if someone was at first at one height, but afterward fell sharply.
Lying on the ground, I turned around. This idiot tripped over a protruding tree branch and fell with his blunt forehead on my bag of pebbles!
[You killed another innocent soul!]
Shut up! I thought, quickly getting to my feet and hiding behind a tree that stood between me and the female mage.
"You... You killed him!" the girl screamed through her tears.
"I have nothing to do with it!" I shouted on impulse.
It's an accident! And anyway, you were the first to attack, so it's also self-defense!
"Little bitch, you will pay for this!"
Damn, she's a magician, she probably has a way to kill me, even if I'm hiding behind a tree! I need to act quickly.
With these thoughts, I came out of my hiding place. The girl pointed her staff at me like a shotgun.
"Fire!.."
Before she could cast her spell, I threw an iron bat at her... And hit her right in the head!
Splashes of blood flew in all directions, the iron bat flew off in the other direction from such a strong collision, and the girl herself fell dead to the ground.
"Phew, f*ck," I gasped and almost collapsed on the spot due to overexertion.
But then one thought hit my head, "there was no notification!"
"...ball..." sounded softly from the half-dead.
A scarlet glow shot out from the staff she was still holding, which very quickly turned into a ball of crimson flame that flew straight at me.
"F*ck!" I shouted, pushing off the ground with force and landing away from the spell.
At the same moment, an explosion occurred just a couple of meters behind me, my back was engulfed in flames and I could feel my skin boiling and bubbles of fried flesh bursting.
[You killed another innocent soul!]
"IT HURTS, AAAH!" I screamed, rolling on the grass, trying to put out the flames that appeared on my back.
After a while, I calmed down, continuing to roll on the ground and breathe heavily.
It's so f*cked up, it's literally so f*cked up... I thought, sobbing in pain. My temples were tickled by running tears, and the part of my face under nose was covered in snot.
I cried out as I tried to stand up.
The skin is stuck to the ground and grass!
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, Assreal, everything will be fine... I reassured myself.
I shouted and abruptly sat up, sitting on my ass.
I don't think it's even worth saying that the pain was just terrible.
After I screamed a little from the terrible pain, which has now subsided a little, I got to my feet, but my ass was also burned, the fabric from my underpants got into the wounds along with the grass, so this process was painful.
[You've got a new trait and a passive ability!]
[Survivalist – you are faced with such hardships of fate that not everyone is able to survive.]
[Cockroach – cockroaches are very tenacious and hardy creatures. The same can be said about you, you are a real cockroach!
Description: cockroaches feel a special closeness to you. +1 to health, +3 to endurance.]
[Your stats have been updated, would you like to see the changes?]
Not now... I thought, finally coming to my senses after such a shock. My back, ass, the back of my head, and the top of my legs were slightly sore and itchy, but right now I was trying to ignore it by removing the man's clothes from the corpse. But then I came across a little problem...
When a person dies, all his muscles relax, including the sphincter. In short, the corpse shits itself.
He smelled of urine and shit. Holding my nose, I bravely came closer and began to undress the corpse, taking off his outer clothes first.
When it came to the bottom, I was a little squeamish, but I still managed to take off his pants. I didn't touch underpants.
When I took everything off him, I left all the clothes, as well as the leather armor, bracers and greaves to air out.
Next, I approached another dead moron, which turned the entire back of my body into a well done steak.
To begin with, I put her staff away, because I treated it like an always loaded gun – let it lie aside.
After that, I took off hooded robe and put it aside with the rest of clothes, maybe I will wear it too, because it is very well suited for hiding my face and the rest of my body.
The girl was wearing a dress, a shirt and a leather set of armor, just like the man. She was also wearing a large brown shoulder bag, which caught my attention.
When I opened it, I found... several pairs of girlish panties in different colors with lace...
Despite the fact that my underpants have fallen into complete disrepair and can fall off me at any moment, I'm not going to wear THIS.
There was a book and two parchments under a pile of women's underpants.
I pulled out a thick book in a light brown cover, it was written in black letters: 'magic for stupid (dummies)'
I opened the first introductory page.
"Chapter 1. Introduction.
Greetings, stupid novice magicians. Don't think that I'm insulting you, it's just that this book has better, cheaper and more informative analogues, and if you didn't know about it, or even more so you knew and bought this book anyway, then you are extremely stupid.
Well, okay, let's leave the question of your intellectual abilities for later, because reading this book further, you will very often encounter incomprehensible terms, difficulty in mastering spells and acquiring mana, so a little respite in the first chapter will definitely be useful to you.
First of all, there are only 5 spells here, and all of them are on the last pages of the book. Everything else is theory, ways to acquire and harness your own mana, a list of physical and mental exercises that are needed to prepare your body and spirit to become a magician.
Do not skip a single page! If you have read and studied everything, get ready for a second and even third repetition before you open the last pages.
But if you're stupider than I initially thought, then go ahead and get to the interesting part right away. But when you find yourself in the afterlife, don't blame me for not warning you.
In any case, get ready for hard work, do not be lazy and do not rush. This will be the key to your success. If you can study this book from cover to cover, then you can proudly call yourself a novice magician (removing the word 'stupid' from the title).
P.S. you can buy a dictionary of magic terms for stupid (dummies)' to make it easier for you to understand the essence of what is written.
P.P.S. if someone so smart decided to think that, like, why not add a similar dictionary immediately to the book, then f*ck you, smart person. This book is for the stupid ones, from whom I can shake money.
P.P.P.S Does anyone even read introductory chapters in textbooks and informative books?"
Wonderful information, and the author's style is very interesting... I was ironic to myself, taking out two parchments.
Opening the first one, I found another stack of text.
"Assignment from: Alan Schneider
Assignment for: Emilia Smith and Darius Smith
Description: get me at least 10 milliliters of sperm from a forest kangaroo, I need it for alchemical experiments. The kangaroo should enjoy the process for the effect I need, so don't kill it.
Payment: 100 crowns
Certified by: The Guild of Adventurers of the city of Surrik."
I read the text and didn't even blink an eye. Have I started to get used to the insanity going on around me?
I looked around. F*ck, I just killed two people!
Perhaps because of the adrenaline, or perhaps because of the deception of the brain, but until that moment I did not fully realize the consequences of what happened.
Now literally everything around me, two corpses, the smell of my scorched flesh and shit made the small contents of my stomach burst out, right on the task sheet.
I crouched above the ground for a while, but then slowly got up, doing breathing exercises.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... What has been done cannot be undone.
Calming down quite a bit, I pulled out the last parchment. It turned out to be some kind of strange map.
It seemed like it was from some kind of game, since most of it was just a white piece of paper, a small part most closely resembled a map with geographically correct locations, such as the city of Surrik and the local forest.
There was also an arrow-like thing that looked towards the city.
Without thinking twice, I turned 180 degrees. The arrow did the same.
Yes, it's a magic map, and this thing is me! It's like in a real video game.
Before getting dressed, I decided to take a look at the stats.
[Strength: 5
Dexterity: 7
Endurance: 6 -> 10
Health: 3/6 -> 3/7
Mana: 0
Intelligence: 11
Luck: 2
Medicine: 1
List of abilities:
Active abilities:
Provocateur – recharge 24 hours
Insightful – cooldown of 5 seconds, consumption of 1 mana or 0.1 health
Passive abilities:
Failures surround me
Cockroach
Traits:
Virgin
Murderer – 3 murders
Survivalist]
Having already dressed and pulled on a robe, I set off, taking the girl's bag with me along with the book. The map was in my hands and I was guided by it.
Meanwhile, I was thinking.
Why do you need traits at all if you have passive abilities? They do not give anything, although according to the description they should. But, remembering the description of a Virgin, these traits may possibly become passives.
I wonder when a trait becomes a passive ability, does it change, but remains in the traits, meanwhile giving a new ability, or disappears completely? Could it be that the Survivalist trait gave me the ability of a Cockroach? Or vice versa?
Thinking about important issues, distracted by empty thoughts and homesickness in the breaks, I reached my destination.
Here it is, a fantasy city where, with my luck, I can be run over by a horse or stabbed by a passerby! How f*cking wonderful!
Oh well, away with the bad thoughts, ew, ew. Now I need to think about something else. For example, what should I do now, how to live or at least survive in this world, and how to return back to home?
I don't know the answer to the third question yet, so it's better not to think about it again, so as not to get upset. But the answer to the first two is one word – work!
What a joke from fate, to live a boring life in which I was constantly rushing between work and study in order to die and live in a new world where I would also go to work.
Even after death, there is no rest.
But I wasn't going to waste my life right now. I need to become an adventurer, largely in order to gain experience in combat and magic, if possible.
It can help me if I find myself in danger again, and with such bad luck, I can certainly get hurt, even if I live in the safest conditions.
The Guild building is just marked on the map.
After walking a little through a typical, even stereotypical, seemingly medieval European city, I reached the right building, which differed from the rest only by a sign: 'Adventurers Guild'.
When I went inside, I remembered something! F*ck, I'm so stupid, I forgot to take the staff! Damn my f*cking stupidity and bad luck!
Ugh, what the hell, how could I forget to take such a powerful item for start...
As soon as I entered, dozens of people looked at me, more like escaped prisoners than heroes.
Everyone was angry and gloomy, the building itself stank of sweat and alcohol, there was almost no lighting. The fumes of alcohol and the local stench could be seen with the naked eye.
Making my way through such an unfriendly atmosphere, I sat down at a table where a single drunk was lying.
At the same time, I was mentally preparing to approach the reception desk.
Looking at the sleeping man, I immediately remembered my father, who was also an ever-drinking man. His name was Jack.
This adventurer had a large round shield attached to his back with various straps, and he held a sword in a scabbard to himself.
Suddenly, the obese uncle Jack woke up and sat up to his full height.
He was a head taller than me, and his fists was the size of a third of my face.
He reached for the nearest shot glass and a half-empty bottle of vodka.
First he poured for himself, then for me into the second one, which he was able to find and grope in an almost dark room.
"Cheers," he said, after which he poured the contents of the glass into himself in one gulp.
I raised the cup to my lips, but a pungent smell hit me in the nose. Ugh, it's not just a vodka, it's a pure alcohol! How can you even drink such rubbish?
In order not to injure myself once again, I poured the contents on the floor while uncle Jack was not looking in my direction.
After that, he poured himself some more and offered it to me, but this time I was able to refuse. After that, he continued to drink.
"Hey, uncle, what's your name?" I asked, trying to start a conversation.
"Mmh, I don't remember," he muttered. "Although... my last name is Daniels, but I've forgotten my first name."
Uncle Jack Daniels, that's great.
"Uncle, I'm going to take some easy mission for a little money now, would you like to help? We'll split the fee 50/50," I said.
Uncle Jack took a sip of vodka and then nodded.
I smiled and got up from my seat, heading deeper into the guild building, but at some point I accidentally bumped into a man who was walking out.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," I apologized.
"It's okay, I'm sorry too," a female voice replied to me.
When we looked at each other, I was even a little surprised. There were only mad looking men in this room, but there was such a beautiful flower among them – she was.
She had blue hair and eyes the color of ocean, her scarlet lips were delicate in appearance, and her smooth skin was snow-white.
I've never seen such sweet and beautiful girls, even on the Internet, if you know what I mean...
"Uh, are you all right?" the worried girl asked, because I must have been staring at her.
"Stay away from that freak, Adele," said a man in armor, but without a helmet, who suddenly came up to us.
He looked so-so. The short blond rattail on his head was greasy and the light stubble looked sloppy.
"Hey, that's rude," the girl chided him, but without much enthusiasm.
The man just grabbed her arm and looked at me, grinning. Then he turned around and took Adele with him to the exit.
"I'm sorry!" she shouted, not really resisting the man's grip.
Like an alpha male? How such people infuriate me, they show not their masculinity, but their stupidity.
"Greetings, how can I help you?" said an obese woman with a wart on her nose.
"Is there any easy task for two people?" I asked.
"Picking grass in the forest, description and illustrations are provided," said the bored woman. "Will it go?"
I just nodded.
"Sign it," the woman said, taking three sheets of paper from under the table.
One was a description of the mission, another was a description of that very grass along with the images, and the third was a contract.
"Can I use aliases?" I asked, taking the fountain pen from the woman.
"No."
I swallowed nervously, and then began to write the names first on one piece of paper, and then on another.
"Jack Daniels and..." the woman began to read out the written names, "Assreal Dick-in-son? I told you, no aliases!"
"That's my real name," I replied nervously.
At that moment, literally everyone was looking only at us. It's very awkward.
"What?" the woman was perplexed.
There was silence in the room.
"Well... Okay," the woman said, smiling stupidly.
I took two sheets of paper and, red with embarrassment and resentment, went to the table with Uncle Jack.
"I got the assignment, we can go," I said, looking at the drawing of the plant and its description.
It was called 'the nightmare of a musophobe' and from the outside it looked like a rodent: it was gray in color, the flower petals took on the shape of a mouse, the stem itself was described as constantly wiggling to one side or the other, attracting birds, snakes, and other rodents.
They interact with the flower in one way or another and carry its pollen to other places.
According to the task, we need to collect 10 such flowers together with the roots, the mission is from... Alan Schneider? The one whose assignment I found with those two? It's true what they say, it's a small world.
By this time, Uncle Jack and I were already outside the guild and heading towards the forest. I wish nothing bad would happen.