Finally, exhausted, he collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. He glared at me and muttered some harsh words at me, and I smirked at him."Feel better?"
Gasping for breath, Seung-hwan re-sheathed his bayonet and waved his upraised hand wordlessly. I slumped in my seat and held out my hand to the one still gasping for breath. I took his hand and spoke to him as he rose from his seat.
"Get some sleep. I'll make the bed. I'm sorry, because of me. You must be tired of struggling alone."
He nodded wordlessly, took a seat near the campfire, and lay down. I watched as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, and my devilish mischief returned.
"Seung-hwan, why don't you go get some firewood and then go to bed?"
When I waved him off, he tried to throw his bayonet at me, and I continued on my way to get what I needed.
As I wandered through the darkness, the old man's words echoed in my head. At the very least, according to him, I was a coward who fled for fear of being hurt by those I was supposed to protect.
It was also clear that the last thing a coward should do is being suffered.
Out in the cold, I gathered firewood for the night and food for the morning. Arriving at the spot where Seung-hwan slept, I tossed kindling into the dying campfire one by one. As I watched it roar to life once more, I was deeply troubled. Thechoice is mine, as it always has been, and no one can blame me for whatever I decide. This world was never meant for me anyway, or so I brainwashed myself into believing.
The only thing that mattered was when the time came to make that choice. I wish that time would come sooner rather than later, but that's just wishful thinking. As I stare at the campfire, I feel insignificant for thinking about these things.
Even at this age, I haven't gotten any stronger. I hated myself for not being able to let go of my childlike innocence and good nature, and in rejecting it, I wandered off again and again. In the midst of my endlessly recurring worries, a fierce winter wind blew in and blew over the bonfire. The dying fire began to flare up again as I put kindling on it, and I stared at it again, sharpening my bayonets one by one.