[Inspiration for this world comes from me listening to nostalgic music I listen to during a time where I wasn't addicted to music and never had an attention span issue. Doing so seems to help me go back to being that version of myself more easily since my reactive association towards those specific sounds/beats are to feel calm rather than rushed, psychologically.
I'm going to aim for writing for daydreaming for the next 2 hours without distractions.
I'll write at the end of this chapter my guesstimated ratio of what time I spend these next 2 hours either as 'immersed:distracted'.]
10:44PM
I'm on a park bench in the open space of a shopping mall on a Christmas night.
It's cold, and snow surrounds me, being my only company in my final hour.
I feel death's grip on me, and before I leave this world, I decide to fall to my knees onto the snow below me, and gab some with my bare hand to feel the sensation of the cold making me feel more alive that ever for my last memories.
I stare down at the tips of my fingers as I feel my guts bleed out internally, and the tips are bright red, as if trick my eyes that everything is alright.
Even so, I find comfort in seeing colour in my finger tips, since I like the look of it in the dim lighting of the Christmas tree and the shopping mall.
I then grab more snow, and create a snow ball.
I feel a greater sense of comfort by holding this small piece of the world in my hands, as if it's alive, and as I begin to hunch over from exhaustion, I softly bring the snowball to my lips.
I keep it there for about 10 seconds, before I look up to notice the vast physical distance between myself and the tree.
I never noticed before the feeling I could get before from paying attention to the distract between myself and physical things, and that's when I try my hand at looking up at the illuminated clouds above me, lit up by the dim lights of the Christmas tree and the lone shopping centre that surrounds me.
…
I see the vast distance, far greater than the tree, and almost begin to feel the instinctive fright that I may start falling towards the sky, having nothing to hold onto for support.
I know nothing in this situation as I stare up at the clouds. No sun, no moon, no stars, no concepts, no ideas, no knowledge, no associations, no beliefs, no identity, no values, no aims, no decisions.
It's just me and the sense of mystery I have towards the sky.
As I stare into this abyss, I feel almost naked. The air feels so big, and my aloneness in this moment has become more apparent than ever, and yet, I am not lonely.
I am accompanied by everything that's happening to me in this moment, and I think to myself why I never noticed the present moment in such a way as I have now in so long…
I then fall over, collapsed against my will after having lost balance from looking up for too long, onto my left shoulder in the snow.
The fall to the ground felt cinematic, hyper-realistic, and more vivid than anything I had witnessed before.
What was in my sight as I fell for that short period was an excelleration of the world around me becoming more like smears rather than a clean image, and the moment I stopped falling after making contact with the ground, my vision suddenly becomes more attentive of what's in my peripheral as well.
The park bench bleeds into the scene, bent around ever so slightly from fisheye perspective.
Speaking of bleeding, I feel no pain, I just feel certain that this moment is my last, for another thing that I am paying attention to as something that is happening to me, is my dying, even though I don't know anything beyond that.
12:59AM
[Immersion:Distraction ratio = 1:99
Meditation notes: it took me about an hour before I was able to finally start paying attention to something, and quickly after things began to flow naturally from there.
Although I had to play the same moment again and again in my head before I could continue on the the next part of this daydream, I was able to notice the difference between thinking about visuals and GENUINE immersion.
It felt like everything I imagined were things that actually happened to me, things that I actually saw with my own eyes in front of me.
That's a big difference from the type of 'obsessive' daydreaming I've grown to get used to.
I can see a consequence of these practices, if I go too deep in, will result in the creation of significant memories from these imaginative experiences, changing my personality in the real world as a consequence as I begin to identify myself with a backstory that is technically fictional.
However, I have no bias against such things, so long as I handle the social situation appropriately irl.
Better having a personality that comes from a dream rather than have no personality at all due to a lack of immersion within any sort of world that I don't feel to have a home in.]