Preface
YEAAHHH! The dandiest spider is back!
I do realize that I haven't posted anything here in a while so here's a bit of a recap, but you know, wrong answers only:
Arc 1, Call: In which Ryze loses his marbles and Andy helpfully picks one up. Andy becomes the newest drug lord in Phoenix, AZ.
Arc 2, Antebellum: In which other gangs don't like the new drug lord, Andy is bullied, Alice is not a Bakuda, and Kevin is a male Karen.
Arc 3, Charmed: In which Andy makes new friends and fingers people inappropriately who do not like being fingered. Alexandria gives him a hug and tells him to clean his shoes because they're dirty.
Arc 4, Ripples: In which Andy moves to DC and throws many rocks into the lake. Hero discovers his new calling as a goldfish. Contessa makes a new friend and they share cookies.
Caught up? Great. And now, I present… Scattered!
Seriously? This arc will be a bit… scattered. There will be many small time skips, like stepping stones spread throughout a river. As some of you may be aware, I was living out of a hotel and then my friend's condo for three weeks of July because my house flooded with sewage. Suffice to say, I didn't get much writing done.
Originally, Scattered was supposed to have a huge climax and be an extra six to ten chapters longer than this. Unfortunately, I didn't get that far so this arc is now a setup arc for the next one. Please read this arc accordingly. Blame my plumbers, landlord, and her shitty condo association.
A few of you even gave me money saying I should buy groceries. Thank you. Thank you sincerely. You didn't have to, I am still solvent and my boss was generous enough to give me a Visa gift card with $250 no questions asked (I have a pretty cool boss). Still, I want you to know I appreciate your generosity, even if I'll never reply on Kofi.
Scattered 5.1
2000, September 16: Washington, DC, USA
I couldn't sleep. My heart began to pound relentlessly the moment she left.
I survived Contessa. I survived Contessa.
Seriously, who could say that? How many people in the world could say that they shared cookies with the Eye of Abaddon?
I didn't know if I wanted to dance around with joy or cry in a corner. Either way, sleep eluded me.
At four, I finally gave up on trying to catch some Zs and began to meditate. An hour later, I placed my last Total Biscuit of Everlasting Will onto a plate for mom and scribbled a note beneath. I put on a domino mask and the fedora Fortuna left me and stood in my living room.
"Door, back alley of Quigley's," I called. True to Fortuna's promise, a portal winked into existence before me, revealing the back alley of the restaurant where Hero and I first had our chat. I could teleport directly to the lab, but it wouldn't do to bypass the security without authorization.
'Although… Making Rebecca cover for me without knowing how I suddenly have Doormaker access would be pretty funny,' I thought with a chuckle.
I walked the few blocks to the Madhouse. Thankfully, the Biscuit was more than enough to keep me alert and energized. I mindlessly went through the security checkpoints and got to the shared lab.
It was utterly empty save one person: Armsmaster. Collin "what the fuck is sleep" Wallis. He was barely dressed. He wore his armor's undersuit, though it was pulled down to his waist. Beneath that was an Inspector Gadget t-shirt. Oddly appropriate. Like me, a classic domino mask was the only homage he paid to the unwritten rules.
"Hyunmu," he glanced up from his work then nodded curtly, bringing attention to his beard. Even despite the early hour, it was combed and tapered to perfection. It even had a subtle shine to it from whatever beard oil he used.
"Armsmaster," I greeted back. "Good morning. Are you always here at five?"
"I am. Clinical studies suggest that the human brain is most alert immediately after exiting the natural sleep cycle. As such, I endeavor to make use of this time as productively as possible."
"Agreed. I'm most alert in the mornings as well, though I usually work out and meditate."
"Why are you here?"
I let out a small snort. From anyone else, that would have implied that he didn't want to see me. The more I talked with him, the more I could see just how he got the rep he did in canon. "I wanted to change things up a bit. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Anyways, happy tinkering," I waved.
"Likewise." Social niceties finished, he turned back to his work.
It seemed some things never changed. He could be observant when it suited him, but when it concerned anything outside his work, his interest dropped rapidly, such as just how I managed to get to the lab this early. He likely made his own assumptions and didn't care enough to inquire further. As far as he was concerned, I was permitted to be here and the hour was irrelevant.
I headed deeper into the Madhouse, passing by the different workstations. Finally, I arrived at my little corner and sighed, grateful that no one else was here. Armsmaster had no reason to be in my workspace and so missed the man-sized aquarium filled with a liquid that glowed in varying shades of subtle purples. More important than the weird lava lamp was what was in it: Hero. Awake.
He let out a string of bubbles when he saw me approach.
I couldn't help myself. I waggled my eyebrows and tipped my fedora in a jaunty wave. "Yo, boss-man, fancy seeing you here." I made a show of looking down. "Feeling chilly?"
His glub-glubbing turned a little more frantic as he tried to cover himself the best he could. The Elixir of Life cured all ills and injuries, but it didn't repair clothes. One hand waved angrily while the other tried to keep his bait and tackle from view.
"You know that I already know what everyone looks like naked, right?" More angry garbling. I rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine, not a morning person. I get it."
I turned on my computer and skimmed through last night's footage. Sure enough, I saw him dunking into the tank via Wayfinder. The crude contraption in the tank triggered and mixed the water with the Elixir of Life, turning it a violet hue. "You're welcome, by the way."
"Glub."
I flipped a switch and the tank began to drain. "Say, how upset would you be if I market some of this stuff as Hero's bathwater? If the internet's taught me anything, it's that there's bound to be some idiot out there with more money than brain cells."
"No. Don't you fucking dare," he growled. "Andy, what the hell?"
"Hyunmu, Eugene," I grinned. I sighed at the complete deadpan on his face. "Alright, fine. We don't have time for the long answer though. Go fix your costume and get yourself kitted out in your spare gear. And if you have any big guns you've been keeping on a shelf somewhere, go ahead and dust them off too. You're going to need everything you've got today."
"What?"
"Leviathan hits Naples sometime today," I told him. I watched his face pale and tapped my dandy new hat. "Like I said, no time for the long answer. Short answer is that the lady of dandy hats and I had a chat. I'll see you and Rebecca at the next Illuminati meeting after you deal with Naples. Seriously, Eugene, you don't have time. Go."
He looked at me then towards his workstation. "I… We'll talk about this."
I opened the aquarium door and waved him off.
I was about to turn back to my computer, I had much to do, but then I heard metal footsteps approaching my workstation. 'Oh… Oh no…'
"Identify yourself, degenerate," came Armsmaster's bark.
"Stand down, Armsmaster," Hero tried to calm him down. "I'm Her-"
"Unlikely. Hero has shown no inclination towards exhibitionism."
"I'm not an exhibitionist!"
"You are a pervert and thief. You are charged with trespassing, indecency, grand larceny, and intent to expose yourself to a minor. You will be brought into custody immediately. Surrender."
"Your name is Collin. See? I'm Hero!"
"I must instigate master-stranger protocols. Regardless, come with me or you will be subdued."
"Colli-Argghh!" I heard him yell as Armsmaster activated his taser. He must have done something else because the lab's security systems began to activate.
"Ah, shit," I sighed. I looked around for anything that would help me diffuse this situation and found a post-it note on my desk lamp that I hadn't noticed before. "Oh, great. Thanks, Fortuna." Flipping on the lab-wide intercoms, I spoke. "Stand down, Armsmaster. There is no cause for alarm. Code Mike-Charlie-Foxtrot-Lima-Yankee-Delta-Mike-Charlie-One-Two. Wait, seriously? The code to cancel MS procedures is McFly-DMC-12? Fuck. I blame Zero Day for this nonsense."
I walked over and stuffed another healing potion in Hero's mouth.
"This is highly irregular."
"It is, Armsmaster. Come on, let me show you last night's footage."
"If he has not been mastered, there are serious allegations to consider, not least of which would include exposing himself before a minor."
"You are jumping to conclusions without having all the available information," I pointed out. "That's not like you. I promise there is a reason our glorious leader looks like a drowned rat."
He made a pinched face then nodded curtly. "Very well. I insist that he not leave my sight."
We acquiesced and Hero ran to his locker to get dressed. The two of them reconvened in my workstation a few minutes later.
I played the video. Really, it was just ten seconds long. Hero teleported into my aquarium missing everything from the waist down. The elixir mixed into the water. He began to heal. End clip.
I used the Oracle's Elixir to read from the post-it note in the trash bin. "Last night, Hero and the Founders engaged in a covert operation against an extremely dangerous cape called the Siberian. In preparation for this, and as a proof of concept against future S-class threats, I was tasked with making a sort of healing tank. I did not expect to need it, but it was good that I finished."
"Why was no one else in the lab informed?" Before I could answer, he received a phone call. "Armsmaster speaking. Chief Director Costa-Brown. Yes, ma'am. I'll be right there, ma'am, ETA one minute."
I sighed as Armsmaster left. No doubt, that was more of Fortuna's meddling.
"Hyunmu, what's going on?"
"Didn't you see the video? You ran into William. He went cray-cray and you discovered a newfound love for skinny-dipping."
"Since when are you a part of Cauldron?"
"Since yesterday. The better question is how long I knew of Cauldron's existence. And really, you need to go see to your armor. I wasn't lying about Leviathan."
"I… We'll talk alter."
"We will," I promised.
He left and I leaned back into my chair. It was barely six in the morning and I already felt like going to bed. For all my cavalier snark, that was absolutely exhausting. Funny, but exhausting.
Still, I knew what this meant. I was done. Finished. Rebecca had my potions. The heroes were forewarned of Leviathan. The Italian government was doing its best to prepare without giving the game away. Short of going to Naples myself and committing creative suicide, I'd done all I could and it was out of my hands.
I was free, finally free to turn to my own projects, at least for a time.
"Okay… Priorities, Yusung," I muttered to myself. I opened a notepad and began to brainstorm. "The next attack should be sometime this February. British Columbia if nothing else changes and since the bird-bitch isn't active yet, High Priest shouldn't change anything… Okay, but… where in British Columbia?"
I swore and cursed Wildbow. British Columbia wasn't a city; it was a whole goddamn province, the fourth largest one in Canada at that. At the very least, I knew it wasn't Vancouver. If Behemoth wrecked Vancouver, Dragon wouldn't have made it her HQ. That left… the rest of the fuck-massive province. And since Behemoth tended to gravitate towards infrastructure and energy sources, I couldn't even narrow down by population density. He could target everything from roads to the electrical grid and I wouldn't have any way of knowing until it was too late.
"Fuck it," I swore. I jotted down what details I could but dismissed the idea of the Worldstone network. It was hard enough making a network to cover major cities. And honestly, the one following February was just as bad. I knew Leviathan would hit somewhere in India in July, but India was an entire subcontinent. Even if I could narrow down the area, getting the Indian government to cooperate would be a giant hurdle in itself. No, the Worldstone network would have to begin with the US, maybe Canada once I had a proof of concept up and running.
"Okay, table that for now. I have a long time before the network becomes a priority. What else?"
I stayed like that for hours, scribbling down idea after idea. In the end, I'd run out of excuses; it was time to focus on my eyes and armor. If nothing else, I'd spent so long infusing mana into the Tear of the Goddess that it was nearly ready. Thanks to Glacial Augment, I had knowledge of how to make True Ice efficiently as well as an incredible building material in Neo-Petricite.
It wouldn't be exact, but I wanted to make an armor based off Winter's Approach, tossing in my own brand of enchantments here and there.
The drawing I ended up with was rough. It was a set of plate armor with four blue crystals, one on each shoulder, chest, and back. I planned for each of these to be made of True Ice, anchors for my enchantments. The neck and shoulders were trimmed with fur, though I had no idea where I'd find a dead polar bear. All told, the armor looked largely like the one from the game, though I stuck to my color theme of gray, black, and cobalt-blue.
Similarly, I planned to make my eyes out of True Ice.
There was one major benefit to True Ice as an enchanting material: It was still. Which as to say, it embodied the concept of cold, of stillness. It was a material formed alongside the Freljord, ancient beyond mortal understanding. And, like much of the Freljord, it was one of the hardiest, most stubborn things around. It loathed change and once formed into something, it would retain that shape through the ages, enchantments included.
Avarosa's bow was a good example of this. Thousands of years after its creation, it loosed arrows as surely as the day it was first made.
Grinning, I got to work. Finally, it was time for me.
X
I was shaken from my work at three in the afternoon. A long, low siren rang out throughout the lab. I'd never heard it before, but I knew what it meant: Leviathan. Endbringer sirens didn't ring throughout every city in the world, but they did ring in every Protectorate and PRT office. From there, the PRT would send out emergency messages and provide logistical support to coordinate the response from independents and villains.
I put down my work, a large block of Neo-Petricite I was fashioning, and rushed to the lab entrance.
I saw Hero, Bluesong, and Armsmaster rush out. Hero's armor worried me. I knew that his prime kit was wrecked last night so he must be using a spare he kept in reserve.
'Hopefully, he'll stick to search and rescue,' I thought. 'Would be a real pity if he goes and offs himself right after I saved his ass.'
Seeing nothing else I could do, I returned back to my project. The Tear wasn't ready for enchanting, but I could make the plates easily enough.
X
2000, September 23: Washington, DC, USA
When Behemoth hit Lyon in April, I was finishing up my physical therapy sessions and figuring out what kind of Ward I wanted to be. I paid very little attention to the mood of the city as a whole. And when Leviathan hit Kyushu before that, I was a little busy trying not to drown.
All that to say, I'd never been quite so cognizant of the environment immediately following an endbringer battle and it was… It was depressing.
Everywhere I went, it felt like the entire city was on edge, as though all of DC was in mourning. Some residents even hung black flags or shirts from their windows followed by the Italian flag, something about showing solidarity. It had only been eight years since Behemoth's first appearance at Marun Fields and the world had yet to truly grow numb to every tragedy.
Heroes and villains from all around the world remained in Naples, helping with humanitarian. Hero and Bluesong were among them. Armsmaster himself had only returned three days ago after doing all he knew how to do.
Despite the absence of our illustrious leader, not a single villain tested the waters. Even Stage Crew and other comics were silent, as though they could sense the mood.
This, I realized, was how the endbringer truce truly came to be. No one signed it into law. There were no formal declarations or grand gestures. There was no council of heroes and villains that shook on it. The endbringer truce became a universally accepted part of cape life because that was just how oppressive those attacks were. Really, it was a polite way of describing the depressing state of affairs than any concrete agreement.
So, the whole week passed in subdued silence. Hero and Bluesong remained in Naples, building water purifiers, organizing humanitarian aid, and helping the Italian government with whatever else they needed.
I spent the week refining my armor's designs and infusing every drop of mana I could into the Tear of the Goddess. The armor was a surprisingly complicated piece of tech for something that looked like it could have come out of a fantasy novel. After all, if I was going to make myself armor, I was going to do it right; the World Rune would allow nothing less.
That meant I had to consider every minute detail, separating the armor into different layers to optimize each enchantment before bringing it all together to form a greater whole. I spent three days just deciding on the exact fabric and weave I wanted for the undersuit, straight down to the molecular structure of each fiber.
After all, Petricite didn't exactly hold enchantments well on its own. The outer layer could be Petricite, but if I wanted it to channel my mana properly, the interior needed to be something else. Bit by bit, I drew on Jayce's memories and worked out the network of mana-conductive fabrics and wires I'd need.
That brought a smile to my face. I loved how everything I built was being used as the foundation for something else. This was Inspiration, to build on the backs of giants.
And then, a week after Naples, things had finally begun to quiet down and the cloud of melancholy had begun to lift from the city.
It was time.
I glanced at the post-it note taped to my closet door. "Clothes picked out. Best first impression. -F," it read.
Sure enough, when I opened the closet, I found several articles of clothing I definitely didn't own. It seemed Fortuna was going all-in on the "Contessa's new protégé" angle. The stylishly slim black suit, pressed white shirt, and embroidered charcoal-gray tie could lead to no other conclusion. Everything about the outfit screamed pricey and given my age and height, I knew she had to have it custom-made. Just running my fingers through the fabric made me wince at the imagined price tag.
"Door, Cauldron HQ."
Author's Note
I wanted to start this arc on a more humorous note. Don't like dick jokes? Tough. Andy's a smug little shit, but he's just spent a night with Fortuna. He's allowed to be a smug little shit.
Also, I've clearly found the secret to dealing with endbringer fights: Make them someone else's problem.
Yes. Yes I did end the first chapter on a cliffhanger. Really, if I included the Cauldron meeting, this would be too long. I guess I don't feel as bad about cliffhangers since I post daily and it's not like I'm locking it behind a paywall. So, allow me to be a little bit smug:
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.