Chapter 66: Catching upNotes:
Ok heads up, the reason why this took so long is because I really hate this chapter for whatever reason. I deleted and rewrote it several times and each time it just seemed to get even worse imo
I post it anyway because I can't just sit on it forever and I want to get back to the fun stuff again, so please don't be too dissapointed, okay?
Thanks to Pandora for proof-reading when I could not bring myself to do it.
Chapter Text
Chapter 66
"My Lady, a certain 'Subaru' is seeking an audience with you."
"Mmh?"
Glancing up from the manuscript she was studying, Tanya passively regarded the servant who had disturbed her intense studying of Lugnica's tax system. Some things seemed to be really universal, as they of course should be, to keep a society of rational individuals stable.
"He is waiting at the front gate. From his garb to his features he seems to be authentic. Shall I let him in, my Lady?"
"Yes, please do so."
She was curious what Emilia's knight could want from her. Maybe he carried a confidential letter that her ally only entrusted to the hands of her closest servant? But what could the half-elf not have told her face to face yesterday?
Her window did not allow her to see if the boy was on his way to her, but she got alerted to his presence by a curt knock to the door of her personal study.
"Come in, please."
Settling a comfortable customer service smile on her face she greeted the entering teenager. Although she was of higher rank than him, Tanya did him the courtesy of standing from her seat. Politeness was a free gift after all.
"Hello, Subaru. How can I help you?"
Thin, black eyes regarded her with an indecipherable emotion as he stayed silent.
Was something wrong?
"You really don't remember me, do you?"
The question threw her for a loop. How could he infer that from her generic greeting?
"Of course I remember you. Why wouldn't I? We spoke with each other very amicably last week."
At least she assumed so.
"Ha! That's one way of putting it. You don't recall us also both dying by chance, right?"
What the hell was he talking about? Maybe he was testing her? Or he was just delusional.
How awkward...
Maybe a joke could lighten the mood? She had never been good with those, but it was the only thing she could come up with.
"You look rather healthy for a walking corpse..." she chuckled lightly.
An ugly expression entered his gaze for a second before disappearing just as fast.
Oh, that was the wrong word choice then. Trying to back-paddle she switched to a serious tone
"What I meant is that if we actually died then we wouldn't be here. You are most likely describing a different phenomenon, but I sadly don't understand what you mean."
More silence filled the room with an uncomfortable atmosphere.
"So you really don't..." Subaru trailed off, a grief-stricken look crossing over his features.
Damn it! She should have said nothing! This secret could not be allowed to reach Emilia's ears or else she might annul their alliance!
She needed to deny, deny and triple deny it before the damage became irreparable. If worse came to worst she would have to either threaten or bribe him into submission.
"Obviously that is not true. I know perfectly well what I did in the past; it just escapes my mind at the moment what specifically you are talking about. Please articulate clearly for I am a busy woman and have many plans still for today"
Instead of listening to her like a sane person, Subaru began ranting to himself, fists tightly clenched and eyes unfocused.
"Of course... my luck...my rotten luck! Fuck! I got my hopes up for nothing! Everything was working out so fine... and now... No, I can't be alone! I won't be alone again!"
There was mad desperation basically radiating from his person that she didn't like. It reminded her of that accursed puppet of Being X. Madness like that turned a good, productive human being into a mindless husk reigned by instinct, no better than an animal.
"Don't worry Tanya! I'll save you! I'll make this right! That's what friends are for and I won't leave you to suffer alone any longer!"
Yes, he definitely lost it. At least temporarily.
Reaching out to calm the boy before he did something he would regret later, Tanya's hand instead snapped to her concealed weapon as he lunged for the letter opener on her desk. Was he going to attack her? Had he completely snapped?
Her first instinct had her grabbing for her pistol to eliminate the potential threat; however she waited just long enough to see Subaru raise the blade not against her, but himself!
Was he suicidal?
Shakingly his hand hovered above his throat and Tanya was honestly absolutely unsure how to handle the situation. This wasn't her subordinate, so she technically couldn't command him to stop, but there had to be something she could do against this waste of a promising young man. He still hesitated despite the clear anguish on his face which made her optimistic that he wasn't entirely gone yet.
"Subaru! Listen to me!"
"I have to do it! Come on! This shouldn't be so hard..." he whispered to himself, fully ignoring her presence.
Alright, he was not listening. When words failed then actions needed to be taken. Lunging forward she gripped his arm with magically enhanced strength and ripped the offending item from Subaru's weak grasp.
"What were you thinking? Stop this nonsense and explain to me clearly what you're talking about!"
Tanya did not think that there could be any logical reason behind impulsive self-harm, but confronting his inner thought process would ideally wake him up to the gravity of the situation. Logic triumphed over emotions and it was the duty of every rational individual to carefully manage the feelings that could cloud their judgement. By being forced to articulate his painfully absurd statements Subaru could enter the self-reflective phase of self improvement before he hopefully learned some permanent lessons.
"I am here and I am willing to listen. I appreciate that you obviously care a great deal about me" – for whatever reason she could not discern – "but I am no mind reader. Let's take it nice and slow while you just sit down for a while and breathe, understood?"
Well, he did at least appear to calm down somewhat, even if the boy's confused blinking bordered on comical. She half led, half gently pushed him into an armchair far away from any sharp objects that she was able to spot. No need to tempt fate.
Writing a report to Emilia about her subordinate's behaviour was not going to be enjoyable, Tanya thought exasperatedly.
Ringing the bell near the door three times in order to signal whoever was listening to fetch refreshments from the kitchens, Tanya weighed the pros and cons of investing more time into this debacle which was going to sharply eat into her study schedule. Playing the role of a counsellor was really not on her agenda today, but what other choice did she have? In the end she silently affirmed her decision to entertain an emotionally disturbed teenager if only for the sake of her alliance with his superior.
"I just ordered a wonderful pot of coffee or 'Kaff' as it's known in these lands. I am sure it should make this whole affair a fair bit more relaxing, no? Why don't you tell me some basic facts about yourself in the meantime so that we can check how much of it I actually do remember? That should put your fears to rest."
Tanya planned to nod along with whatever he said and add some of the sparse details she could discern from context clues as to appear convincing. It was a skill anyone had to learn who regularly conducted workplace interviews.
"Ehm... This is not-"
"No, no! Please go on! We have a few minutes."
Subaru's eyes swept down to the letter opener in her hand and in response she let some simple illusionary sparks dance around the gleaming metal.
He swallowed.
She smiled.
"Uh, you know, I am Subaru Natsuki... seventeen years old. My hobbies include... gaming, helping people out and... cleaning I guess? I wasn't too bad of a servant. Although Ram was always mean about it I know she was impressed by my impeccable butler skills!"
Halfway through his speech, confidence crept back into Subaru's voice and his demeanour became noticeably more animated. A lesser person would have suffered crippling whiplash from such a sudden switch in emotions.
"I love Emilia-tan and I aim to become her knight! I am not amazingly talented or super strong, but I can do it! Call it a fool's dream all you want, but I'll get my happy ending! And I'll take anyone I care about with me, so we can one day all smile together!"
Wow, that was a vastly more impassioned declaration than anything she anticipated. She couldn't remember ever feeling so positively about something. When he talked like that, Subaru kind of sounded like a protagonist from one of those fantasy shows her co-workers had talked about during the corporate scheduled lunch breaks back in her first life.
That kind of naive optimism would have been beaten out of him during his first week in the Rhine theatre... Or perhaps not. Now that she thought about it, her personal adjutant also never lost that cheery determination no matter how many enemy soldiers she beheaded...
"That's what I want to be able to say anyways. Sometimes I'm not sure I really believe it. It's not like I can actually talk about... you know, anything! But-" severity returned his voice and his sharp gaze settled directly on her own, "I have to try. I've been useless for too long. I only got one ' gift' – if you want to call it that – but even if it's a shitty power I make the most of it."
Tanya hummed noncommittally, trying to decipher the subtext in his statements. She needed to know more if what he was speaking about was at all relevant to her own past. Maybe she should offer a few encouraging words to keep him talking?
"An admirable attitude. I remember thinking something similar when I joined the army."
Not really, but there was no need to reveal that. She had simply been a starving orphan trying to make use of her only selling point: her magic. It hadn't even really been a choice if she was being honest. Anyone in her shoes would have accepted the enticing chance to earn three hot, nutritious meals per day despite the inherent risk of flying out onto a live battlefield. A quick bullet was preferable to the aching hunger twisting her insides.
"Huh... Okay... Think, Subaru... Calm down..." he mumbled to himself, suddenly closed off once more.
Indeed his frantic breathing slowed considerably as he first stared at the carpet and then back at her.
"I am sorry, Tanya-chan."
Her eye twitched involuntarily.
How dare he call her that!? She had half a mind to sharply reprimand him, but he was suffering from some kind of mental illness, possibly bipolar disorder, so she opted to genially ignore his slip.
"I got ahead of myself. Triggering my power now would have been counterproductive. Resetting everything on an impulse could make things a lot worse. Beako would have surely scolded me... hehe. Or at least looked disappointed... I want to be able to trust you in the future which means that we have to work on this together. I don't want to be alone again."
She slowly believed she understood what he was talking about. Provided of course that he was not completely delusional, but that seemed more improbable the longer she observed him. Tanya still had not forgotten how she misjudged her surroundings by treating them too sceptically. A little faith in the rationality of human action was appropriate as Subaru's demeanour had meanwhile cleared of telltale signs of fanatic stupidity.
"I am glad you realized the error of your actions." she coolly remarked.
A knock from the door caught her attention, informing her that Reinhard's servants continued to perform their work superbly. Such speed on part of the cooks and the maids was admirable. Not letting her guest out of view, Tanya accepted the tablet brought to her through the half opened door and quickly set it down on her desk.
Subaru ultimately refused a cup so she merely poured herself a cup, delighting in the taste of the freshly brewed beverage. It was quite delightful.
Reinhard had managed to acquire an exotic plant from the neighbouring kingdom of Vollachia by pure chance that approximated coffee rather well. Of course, it might have even been real coffee beans just under a different name, but her sense of taste had gotten so messed up from all the substitute coffee that she wasn't sure she would ever be able to distinguish the original flavour with absolute certainty.
Pushing those thoughts away as the time she was stalling began to grow excessive, Tanya casually asked:
"And just how many times did you die, then?"
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"Thank you very much for sharing all this with me, Subaru. Kindly tell Emilia that I wish her well and that she can contact me at any time if she wants to. That applies to you as well of course. And please remember to not attempt to change my past without my consent. I value my individual freedom greatly."
Exchanging a few more meaningless pleasantries, Tanya waved the strange boy goodbye and collapsed into her chair as soon as he was escorted out of sight.
Honestly, in a way 'Return by Death' was worse than the blasted Type 95. To be possibly manipulated without any way of proving it drove her deeply ingrained paranoia to new heights.
'My, how terrifying... How overpowered is this guy!? No child should be given so much power.'
Her head was pounding, her mind a whirlwind of questions, possibilities and flashes of what either could be memories trying to resurface or daydreams caused by the stress.
Pinching the bridge of her nose she slowly let everything set in. Being X was trying to screw with her again, but after changing worlds twice nothing seemed impossible for him to try anymore. Maybe she should count her blessings that he hadn't turned her into a helpless pet for insufferable children or inserted her into a setting where everyone spoke backwards and lived in anarcho-communist villages.
She shuddered.
Confronting a teenager who could always escape death seemed positively mild in comparison. Possibly even useful. Taking this at face value it sounded incredible. Immortality and protection against anything! That was if he wasn't lying of course.
She had seen the raw discomfort in his posture; the revulsion clinging to Subaru's every word. Such emotion couldn't be faked without training and from what she knew of the knight-to-be, he was not a scheming manipulator. At least not such a brilliant one.
Could she even really disprove such an outlandish ability? Where was the difference between hallucinations of the future and literal time travel? Testing it out herself was obviously a horrible idea, although it would certainly be the most reliable way.
Regardless, time manipulation was a factor she would have to consider in her future plans, no matter how insane it sounded in theory.
Tentatively she reached over and blindly grabbed a sheet of paper as well as a quill and began to take notes. Frankly, documenting her exact experiences in an encoded fashion should have been a priority for her since she first noticed what the cursed computation jewel did to her sanity.
As a person of only slightly above average intelligence, Tanya's knowledge of her first life was her biggest advantage over her peers. For years she had attempted to make herself indispensable to the general staff by drawing upon her advanced understanding of modern war doctrines. By carelessly risking her memories she had basically tempted fate to strip her of this boon.
Constantly re-dipping the archaic writing tool into an inkpot really made her miss fountain pens. Although the calm rhythmic process left her ample time to consider every word she put onto paper.
'Can turn back time whenever he dies. Everyone forgets and the world returns exactly to how it was before. I am the only exception so far. Further research required.'
At least Subaru was going to stay in the capital for a while. His magical organ was somehow being healed by Crusch Karsten's famous knight in a process which was projected to take multiple weeks of therapy.
Furthermore, bizarrely he thought of her as a close friend or confidant despite the short duration of their acquaintance. Obviously he could barely cope with the strain of his repeated demise and was putting far too much trust into her for the simple fact that she was apparently the only one he could tell about his experiences. A most curious fact that reeked of meddling from malicious wannabe-deities.
The way he talked about his ability sounded like he had a lot of experience with dying. Was there no limit to his power?
Tanya underlined that question. Twice.
He claimed that he 'lost count after dying a dozen times', but upon further probing Subaru had revealed that he actually did not even want to know, fearing that it might drive him insane if he was confronted with the whole sum of his suffering.
Understandable, but disappointing.
However it wasn't like she would wish to recall how many times she got stabbed by some thugs in a dirty alleyway. There was a good evolutionary reason eidetic memory was not a widespread phenomenon among humans.
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Roswaal emotionlessly read over another letter addressed to him from the Sage Council. It was all standard fare; the demands of people who believed themselves to be far more powerful than they were. Their little lives were so dull and unimpressive that he stopped feeling anything about those fools and their ilk centuries ago.
To be fair that was true for most who were not relevant to the great plan of his teacher or had otherwise inexplicably wormed their way into his shrivelled heart. Like the pink-haired girl sitting in his lap for example.
"Shall I burn these, master? You would not be forced to respond if I had a tragic mishap while cleaning the kitchens."
Her voice was so adorably flat, but he could see the mirth sparkling in her eyes.
"No, Ram. Dealing with a tiiiiny bit of trouble at the border is quick work for me."
Absent-mindedly he massaged the spot on the maid's forehead where he was infusing mana into her in just the way she liked it.
"I aaaam the court magician after all. You could say it's my responsibility to caaare for the kingdom."
A deeply ironic statement, but Ram needed no explanation for that. Instead she openly enjoyed his touch which brought him some sort of twisted entertainment. For all his wisdom even he could not discern why that foolish girl fell in love with a wretch like him in spite of her awareness of his sins.
Some of them at least.
"By the way, have you sent the invitation to our deeear Frederica yet? She will have to play her role rather soooon..."
"Mh-mm..." hummed the Oni distractedly.
"Veeery good. Then you have to make sure she hasn't lost her touch when I take Emilia to a tour of my territories next week. Wooouldn't it also be nice if Subaru could accompany us as well together with your sister?" he grinned impishly.
As expected her face smoothed out to portray none of her emotions, inevitably providing him with a clear reaction of what she thought of her beloved twin and the miracle boy spending more time alone together.
"If that is your wish, master. Although I must remark that it will just put more stress on my poor sister when she has to constantly look after him and clear up his messes while she does her best to fulfil her duties to you and Lady Emilia, Lord Roswaal."
"Aren't you the least bit fond of him, Ram? You eeeeven kept that little flower he gifted you, because 'it matched the colour of your hair' or am I wrong?."
"It would have been a waste to dispose of the flower that he so brutishly uprooted. I felt sorry for the thing. To be touched by Subaru's rough hands is a fate worse than death."
Roswaal chuckled at that. His maid's mind was truly an enigma.