Chapter 59: Changing opinionsNotes:
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Chapter Text
Chapter 59
Her mind felt like it was bursting at the seams, like her brain was ballooning outwards, stretching further and further while causing her pain so excruciating that she would have begged for death had she been able to remember how to speak. Every moment the agony was only growing as the fullness inside her head swelled mercilessly without release.
Foreign senses and memories flooded her thrashing consciousness, imparting upon her an understanding of the metaphysical that seemed to twist the familiar neural pathways of human thought in alien and confusing turns. A shard of something far larger than herself was stuck inside of her and was violently integrating itself into her. Her perception of rime stretched into an eternal band with neither a beginning nor end, forever racing forwards through the darkness of a circulating universe. No, many universes! Existing next to each other, inside one another, above one another! Endless possibilities of eternal changes looping in darkness!
Why was it so bright? Why? Why? Why?
It was too much to bear! The information was simply too great for a mortal creature to comprehend. Her soul was ripping apart and still the assault on her very being continued unperturbed! Her mind was fracturing to escape the bombardment of otherworldly knowledge, true madness swallowing her whole! Until it unexpectedly stopped.
Blessed silence left her reeling for a moment, pushing her back together and sealing the cracks in her consciousness. The shadows held her tight and shielded her awareness from the horrible truths she had just been exposed to. She could not tell how long it lasted, but when reality slid its treacherous tentacles into her consciousness again everything looked so much more vibrant and fake at the same time.
Light consisted of photons travelling along a wave, she had known that, but until now she had never felt that. The structure of the table in front of her was so ordinary and simple, it was almost shocking. This piece of furniture, composed of atoms and energy, was only part of a larger structure called Lugnica, which in turn was part of a small, unimportant world circling around a common star. All were built from the same parts and obeyed the same rules.
Everything was so clear and obvious. Made that the things more beautiful because she had gained insight into their nature or absolutely meaningless due their predictable constitution?
A human approached her, yet she did not move. He was merely part of the scenery, not more important than the leaf fluttering in tandem with currents of the wind or the burning hydrogen of the sun projecting warmth onto her skin. Nothing stood out in a sea of remarkableness. Weirdly though, the memory of a red-haired man, dressed in a white uniform flickered up inside the maelstrom of her thoughts.
Was he acquainted with her?
Was that even important?
Yes.
She could not tell why.
Why , if everything was so apparent, was this question so hard to solve? It didn't make any sense! Focusing her attention inward she grabbed the ember of familiarity that was troubling her so much and examined it.
A protector, a sponsor, an opportunity, a tool, a subordinate, a confederate, a teacher, an ally, a provider, a potential friend... Reinhard van Astrea seemed to be many things to her.
Curious.
"Milady, are you-"
She felt his breath before her brain registered his words. His concern was kind of touching in its sincerity.
"No, my dear knight. I am not."
She was not alright. Something was terribly wrong.
And then Tanya knew no more.
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Much to Crusch's amusement Subaru was vibrating in excitement on his seat. The boy was much too open about his emotions for his own good, but she found that trait endearing. Her position as duchess meant that not many people from outside her inner circle were honest with her and that hurt somewhat. As useful as her Divine Protection of windreading was in negotiations, it also left her with a pretty depressed outlook on society sometimes. Crusch was no cynic, but constantly recognizing the artificial pleasantries and false promises among the nobles painted them not in the most positive light to say the least.
In contrast, her guest's straightforward attitude was a refreshing experience. Even Felix sometimes lied to her, although never with the intention of deceiving her, but just in his usual teasing manner. Her knight was an unrelenting prankster at times as proven by the fact that he still hadn't corrected Subaru's misconception about his gender. Despite her cultured upbringing, Crusch could not find the will to stop this ridiculous charade, for it was incredibly entertaining. The awkward blushes whenever the catboy whispered into the boy's ear or touched him with mock intimacy were simply hilarious.
Subaru was an interesting individual in general. She knew that his claims to hail from a foreign state were correct. It must have been located behind the great waterfall, because from what little she had managed to gather it appeared to be similar to her rival's home. Thankfully he was no elite, veteran battle magician like Tanya. Rather... the opposite.
Naive, unguarded, weak, with no apparent talent for the sword and a gate as damaged as Felix had never seen before. Others might have dismissed an inexperienced commoner without magic or combat prowess as worthless peasant trash, but Crusch had long since learned to think differently from the nobles of Lugnica. If her rival praised him so glowingly that she was even willing to share the glory of defeating Hakugei with him then there had to be more to Subaru than a good heart and a witty tongue.
In her fairly illuminating discussion with Emilia the duchess had come to learn that the half-elf valued him deeply which lent credence to the idea that he was somehow special. Well, special beyond his mythical heritage. Coming from a totally unknown place that appeared to be far more advanced in either magic, technology or both was an alluring trait for those who sought to claim these secrets for their own purposes. Crusch would bet one hundred holy coins that the greedy merchant princess was going to drool all over him as soon as he inadvertently shared that particular detail openly.
Luckily the boy would spend the next few weeks in her household until Felix managed to repair his crumpled gate so that he could cast spells again. More than enough time to pull additional valuable information out of him. It was not like she wanted to be so manipulative, but she needed every advantage she could get when competing against Tanya. If Emilia accepted her proposal then they would be allies anyway. For the safety of Lugnica she needed to know about Subaru in order to get one step ahead of her rival!
The half-elf was the key to a much larger game at play here. By forming political connections to her before Emilia could become too dependent on the frighteningly powerful blonde, Crusch would be able to get a foot in the door early for whatever that little devil was planning. Furthermore, denying Tanya the undisputed access to Margrave Roswaal's skills would hopefully delay her machinations for a bit longer.
Crusch was aware that her goals may seem paranoid and petty to those who had not witnessed the aftermath of the Tanya's "battles", but she knew better. Those massacres were not the results of a clear and efficient mind! Only a bloodthirsty beast, receiving pleasure from the utter annihilation of her enemies could produce such a slaughter! She had seen how unperturbed the diminutive magician had stood amidst the pulped remains of over a hundred men, how viciously the White Whale's eye had been carved out!
What made it all the more terrifying was how well Tanya hid her true nature. Nobody would suspect her to be cruel and sadistic at heart! Even her Divine Protection could be tricked by her charming smile and relaxed demeanour. A real wolf in sheep's clothing...
Together with her suspiciously powerful magic, her secretive nature and the apparent spell she held over the sword saint, Lugnica's future was hanging on a thin thread if that devil followed her nature. No single contender in the royal selection should be granted that much power! Something was not right in this entire situation and Crusch was going to get to the bottom of it.
"Are you alright, Cr- uh, Lady Karsten? You are suddenly looking so grim."
"Uh... Yes. Of course. I was just lost in thought. Are you excited for the ball, Subaru?" she quickly deflected.
"Of course!" he grinned. "I'm going to see Emilia again and I always want to meet new people! Although... I guess I am gonna feel out of place a little, you know? So many nobles who know what is going on and how to act and all that stuff. I'm simply a guy who's trying to fit in and have a good time."
Crusch chuckled again at his earnest personality. The world needed more people like Subaru.
"Don't worry. Emilia and Margrave Roswaal will be there. If you stick around with those you trust then the party won't be half as scary."
"And you have me! How could you be nervous with my adorable self present? Nya~" chirped Felix from the seat next to her.
"R-right. I am indeed lucky to find such good friends."
Crusch bothered not to correct his flawed assumption. She liked him, but at the moment they were still members of enemy camps. Until the half-elf agreed to her terms, they could not possibly be friends.
He looked down at his folded hands and whispered in a barely audible tone: "Everything will be alright."
Her windreading told her that that was a lie.
"Oh, look! Nya~. They decorated the gate!"
Crusch leaned towards the window of their carriage and quirked an eyebrow critically. Flowers? Why? This wasn't the spring festival. A few banners would have been sufficient to announce the festivities within.
Passing the usual security checks, they entered the palace proper. Legions of servants were running to and fro, hastily preparing the event that was scheduled to commence in the next hour. Perhaps showing up so early had not been the best idea after all.
More coaches were rolling in on the central street leading to the castle. Soon the ground dragons would outnumber the humans in the city, she mentally joked.
"Hey, I think that is Ros-chi, uh… Margrave Roswaal out there! I'm gonna say hello if you don't mind."
"I am not your liege, Subaru. You do not have to ask for permission to go see your master."
His face scrunched up in distaste.
"He is not my master."
"But isn't he your employer, strictly speaking?"
"Well, yeah… but… uh…Emilia-tan is the ruler of my heart!"
Amazingly, her Divine Protection confirmed his words as truth. Did he have no shame?
"Maybe you shouldn't shout your allegiance out loud like that." agreed Felix with an uncharacteristically serious tone. "Nya... Lady Crusch is obviously the best, but I let my actions speak for that, not my words. Subtlety is a knightly virtue, Subaru."
"Hehe… sorry. Sometimes I get carried away a bit. I'll be off. Thank you for the ride."
As he scurried away she turned to her closest confidante and whispered mischievously: "Very sweet of you, Felix. Your honesty nearly makes me blush. One could mistake your loyalty for maidenly love~."
His cheeks were dusted pink only the slightest amount, but it was enough to make her laugh.
"D-don't tease me like that."
"Ah, my dear knight… How else am I going to survive the dreadfully boring wait in the entrance hall?"
In actuality, it was not much of a wait, because nobles of all standings were immediately beginning to swarm her like flies. An apt comparison, considering that most were as annoying and hard to get rid of as those pests. Pointless banter about the weather, fashion, romantic escapades and similar topics were her least favourite aspects about politics. Crusch was rather a woman of action.
"Attention, please! Attention, please! A messenger from the honourable House Astrea has informed the Sage Council this morning that Lady Tanya von Degurechaff, candidate for the royal selection and slayer of the White Whale and the Sin Archbishop of Sloth, has temporarily fallen ill and will be unable to attend the festivities in her honour! Her condition is weakened, but not overly concerning! As her sworn knight and protector, the Sword Saint Reinhard van Astrea cannot leave her side and will be absent as well! He relays his apologies for failing to notify the council sooner and pleads to not let this unexpected change of plans sour your opinion of his Lady! With the blessing of the Divine Dragon and the Great Sage she may recover in due time to meet you esteemed Lords and Ladies at her fullest! End of the announcement!"
Murmuring broke out and one did not need to be a fortune teller to know that nobody bought this declaration. The woman who killed two of the greatest evils in the world during a single day was suddenly 'falling ill'? How much more suspicious could one get? It sounded more like a semi-successful assassination attempt on Tanya's life. If the situation was not 'overly concerning' then why did she require the protection of the sword saint after all?
And the timing was unusual as well. For the announcement to be made just before the start of the ball was borderline insulting. Betraying everybody's expectations at the last possible moment was highly uncouth. Although sending a messenger to every noble's residence in the span of a few hours was also impossible, Crusch supposed.
But what if this was a ruse; a ploy from her rival to lull them into a false sense of security?
Carefully she looked around the countless niches and corners of the room to verify that Tanya was not hiding somewhere nearby again. The duchess did not forget her sudden appearance at the start of the royal selection. Going up against an opponent who possessed the uncanny ability to turn invisible only made her plans more urgent.
" I swear on my honour, I will find out the truth! "
Interlude 3
The entity referred to as "God" by many and as "Being X" by only one person, felt an indescribable emotion, akin to the human feelings of sadness or disappointment. It had sworn to itself to watch over its creation, yet it had obviously failed at understanding the quintessential nature of its children.
They wanted to feel in control above all else.
How could it have been so blind? Their freedom was more important than their lives, their happiness or even their eternal salvation to them. Now it could detect that longing for liberty within itself. That tiny fragment of humanity which sought to carve out its own path through destiny no matter the odds, pulsed brightly in its metaphysical chest.
Whatever dark being had ripped it out of that accursed crystal prison had inadvertently changed it in the process. Despite how little the new part made up of Being X's overall "personality" (if one could call it that) the impact on his outlook on mankind was profound.
Finally it realized that its children only began praying to it to free themselves from the fear of the unknown future and ultimately the afterlife. Tanya longed for freedom of supernatural influence, unintentionally tangling herself in worldly dependencies. Being X itself sought relief from the burden of its work and the pressure to constantly prove its own existence.
Yes, freedom was the aspect it had been missing...
Reluctantly it could admit that it had treated his child, Tanya von Degurechaff, unfairly. Her self-determination outmatched its petty attempts at conversion beyond doubt. Although stubborn rage was not a wise motivation, pushing her further towards change would accomplish nothing. At least Being X could appreciate faith given out of genuine love and thankfulness from now on.
Belief that was artificially implanted like it had tried to do, was worthless and hollow. In fact, it would even describe this fake worship as the opposite of what it wanted. No free will ensured that the act of reverence carried no meaning with it.
For all it was worth, Being X was going to lift the mind-altering curse from the magic device she used. Never would it resort to such barbaric, unnecessary tricks again.
"Farewell, Tanya. May you find happiness in this strange world you found yourself in. Though you rejected my offer for salvation, I bear you no hatred. It is the choices of mortals that shape their fate and I must accept that saving everybody is not only infeasible, but violates the agency you have to express yourself. Be free, child . I shall watch over your soul no longer."
If retracting its guardianship over her was going to bring Tanya more suffering or peace was impossible to tell, yet Being X suspected she would choose this outcome either way.