Chapter 24: ask me why i cry and i answerNotes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Just because the war is over doesn't mean the work of the shinobi is.
There is so much cleaning up to do in the aftermath, endless high stakes courier missions containing important treaties and missives, and continuous surveillance requests. No one quite trusts the peace yet. A lot of people don't even really like the idea of it, and the several little uprisings that need to be quelled before they can take off are a testament to that.
Needless to say, Minato finds himself running on fumes very quickly.
As one of the highest ranking commanding officers in Konoha's forces and an upcoming leader, he is somehow needed everywhere all at once. He has really been living up to the whole Yellow Flash moniker with the way he has had to flit in and out of the village at breakneck speeds.
Obito had taken one look at him just last week and winced because apparently Minato's bags had bags of their own. "I guess even you don't look like a pretty boy all the time, huh, sensei?" he'd said, and Minato had very earnestly contemplated drowning himself in the sad little puddle of leftover ramen broth in his bowl.
But, heedless to his exhaustion, life goes on. Minato can only go along with it and do his very best as he has always done.
In some ways, he is pretty sure the Sandaime is testing him and using this time to teach Minato some of the more high stakes decision making involved in being Hokage before any actual announcement regarding the Yondaime Hokage nomination goes out. Hiruzen sends Minato on endless bureaucratic missions to all the civilian villages and towns Konoha caused damage to or is looking to form ties with to broker agreements and alliances. He pushes to include Minato in as many meetings as possible whenever he attends conferences with the other villages' leaders to form new peace treaties. Minato is tasked with leading all the new schemes meant to ease the population of Konoha into their fragile peace so he can build a rapport with the civilians.
It is an ungodly amount of work, yes, but Minato is also grateful. He can see how Hiruzen is striving to make him the face of this new era that promises prosperity and growth, and it would be foolish to start openly complaining about the opportunities being handed to him on a silver platter. It is good to know that his dream is openly being supported by a leader as beloved as Sarutobi Hiruzen.
"What do you think makes the Sandaime so well liked?" Minato wonders aloud.
Across from him, sitting on the other side of the foldable little magnetic shogi board, Nara Shikaku looks up with a thoughtful frown. "Why are you suddenly asking?"
Minato shrugs, turning his attention back to the game. He'll lose in another twelve moves if this keeps up. Hopefully Shikaku will leave his knight alone for another two moves so he can mount a possible counter.
Sighing, Shikaku captures Minato's knight in the very next turn and soundly ignores the scowl that immediately gets sent his way. "It's hard to dislike someone who managed to get us through two whole wars in relatively one piece. He's a strong shinobi, he's a stronger strategist, and he's an involved leader who actually tries to listen to and address what the people have to say. The civilians love him even more than the shinobi do, and for good reason."
"Go on," Minato prompts, moving a pawn so he can make a bid for control over the center of the board.
"For one, he made sure that the war barely touched the village despite Konoha's open position. All the other villages have natural defenses like desserts, mountains or water bodies. On the other hand, Konoha is downright accessible with only the Forest of Death serving as a natural defense, and we still never had to fight off a large scale frontal assault that threatened our homes," Shikaku explains. "Secondly, he's good at appealing to civilian values."
"Oh?"
Nodding, he elaborates, "Hokage-sama has had the most inclusive legislation when compared to his predecessors. He's the one who established all the different tiers to the civilian council and gave them a seat at the main council. The civilian council is pretty much entirely responsible for civilian decision making and the Sandaime is the one to have given them that much power. He also actually bothered to invest in trade, arts and technology before we had to close the borders. And, of course, he's a Sarutobi."
Minato raises a brow at that. "I didn't realise the Sarutobi clan has special status among civilians."
Shikaku smiles thinly at him. "To be fair, it's kind of old news so you might have never heard. The Sarutobi started off as vassals to the Akimichi, you know."
"Wait, really?" Minato blinks. "I know that the Nara and Yamanaka had been vassals to the Akimichi, but I didn't realise the Sarutobi clan had been under them as well."
"Like I said," Shikaku shrugs, "it's really old news. Eventually, they became independently strong enough that they split off and became a force of their own almost a century before the idea of a shinobi village was ever even conceived. They never quite made it to noble clan status, but the Sarutobi were popular among the civilians back then because they were excellent merchants. That reputation follows them even now."
Minato makes a thoughtful sound and captures Shikaku's rook. "I never knew."
"Shinobi call Hokage-sama 'The Professor' for his extensive knowledge of jutsu. The civilians do it because the man is one hell of an economist."
Lips twitching, Minato raises both his eyebrows. "You come up with that yourself?"
Shikaku returns the smile with a dry one of his own. "Heard my old man say that once actually." Smile widening, he gestures at the board. "That's check by the way. Better focus before I win again, blondie."
Minato rolls his eyes but does as asked. "You should be nicer, Shikaku-kun," he comments mildly. "I could have just refused when you asked for a match. Tomorrow is probably the most important meeting either of us will ever attend."
"It's just going to be a bunch of old farts sitting around and pointing fingers," Shikaku snorts, leaning back in his chair.
Well, that certainly is one way to describe the Paradise Isles Conventions.
"Besides," Shikaku adds knowingly, "you would have refused if you didn't want to. Don't act coy with me, Namikaze."
Fair enough. Minato has escaped Shikaku's attempts to coerce him into a game on more than occasion, and he has utilised questionable means unflinchingly to do it too. Nothing is quite as mentally exhausting as playing against Nara Shikaku. The man openly psychoanalyses his opponents for personal amusement; it gets old very quickly.
"I'm just making nice with our new esteemed jounin commander."
Snorting, Shikaku makes a face. "So, you only care when you want to use me somehow. How cruel, Namikaze-kun."
Minato moves his gold general to put Shikaku's king into check. "Now you're the one playing coy, Nara-dono." Shikaku scoffs and moves his bishop to threaten Minato's gold general. "How long do you think these meetings will last?"
"Too long," comes the immediate response. "At least a week, but almost definitely longer than that. It's going to be a drag." Sighing, Shikaku puts Minato's king in check again. "Well, it's not like I could refuse."
"For someone who complains about it, you do always get the work done, Shikaku-san," Minato muses aloud. He smiles, eyes closed. "I see why Hokage-sama favours you so much."
Eyebrows shooting up, Shikaku slumps even further in his seat. "You are the last person I want to hear that from," he says blankly. "I'd probably complain a lot more if you weren't here to be honest."
"I'm flattered, truly."
"Nothing was going to make me miss out on seeing Onoki's face when he realises that you're here," Shikaku continues. "Inoichi wants to see my memory of it too. Apparently, he's feuding with the Tsuchikage for fun these days."
Minato sighs, shoulders dropping. "I was worried about that. I resign by the way."
Shikaku looks at him weirdly even as he clears the board. "You were worried about Inoichi beefing with the Tsuchikage?"
Eyes squinting, Minato stares back. "What? No. I was worried about the Tsuchikage making things difficult for us because I'm here."
"Ah." Shikaku nods. "I wouldn't be too concerned honestly. He might try, but I have a good feeling that the Kazekage is going to be out for the old man's blood this time."
Intrigued, Minato leans forward. "You know, Raijin mentioned something very similar once."
"He's surprisingly insightful like that, that brother of yours," Shikaku notes, eyes narrowing. "I heard he's on scouting missions right now."
"With Kakashi," Minato confirms. "They're sticking together for now."
"I figured as much. It's standard protocol for traumatised soldiers to be assigned together when we can afford it." Smiling wryly, Shikaku adds, "It's nice being back to standard protocol again."
With a sigh, Minato scratches at his cheek. "Well, I'm glad they can look out for each other out there. It'd be nice if I could at least see them once, but I expect it will be another month before that can happen."
"To think it will be winter by then."
"Time sure flies by," Minato agrees. "We should probably call it a night too, Shikaku-san. The meeting is bright and early tomorrow after all."
Shikaku hums, stretching out in his seat before rising to his feet. "Indeed. Got to be awake if I want to see the Yondaime Kazekage rip Onoki a new one."
"You're surprisingly sadistic, huh, Shikaku-san?"
"Life is all about finding joy in the little things, Minato-kun."
"Whatever you say, esteemed jounin commander."
Travelling with a baby version of Kakashi who will never grow up to become the man who had been Raijin's sensei is supremely strange.
Travelling with a baby version of Kakashi who is kind of traumatised and has nightmares about Raijin dying every now and then is decidedly stranger.
Honestly, they're both kind of fucked up about each other and the whole time travel thing just adds a whole new layer of emotional disaster to it that would probably make any emotionally healthy adult cry tears of pity for them.
Naturally, because they are both shinobi, neither of them does anything emotionally healthy like—y'know—talk about it or something. Instead, they bicker and bite and generally try to get on each other's nerves as much as possible to cope.
"We're lost," Kakashi states, arms crossed like the bratty little preteen that he is.
"We're not lost," Raijin insists. "I know exactly where we are!"
"Oh, yeah?" the little shit challenges. "Well, then, where are we?"
Raijin pauses, lips pressed into a thin line.
Even with most of his face covered, Kakashi manages to look smug. "See—we are lost."
Okay, fine, so maybe they're kind of lost. It's not Raijin's fault that apparently travel routes change over time. How was he supposed to know that they were supposed to go right instead of left?
"I told you we were supposed to go right instead of left, and you didn't listen to me."
That's totally beside the point!
Crossing his own arms, Raijin looks away, cheeks puffed out. "I am not claiming responsibility for this."
"It'd be the adult thing to do."
"Well, maybe I don't identify as an adult," Raijin huffs. "Ever thought of that, Kakashi-kun?"
Kakashi has the gall to scoff at him. "Raijin-san, no one identifies you as an adult."
"Hey!"
"I just had a totally amazing idea," Raijin declares.
Rolling his eye, Kakashi mutters, "Oh, boy."
"Trust me—this is going to work!"
"Rai—" Kakashi stops, gaping as he watches Raijin prance off. "We are not asking a frog for directions."
"It's a toad, Kakashi-kun. Educate yourself."
"Ah, my bad. Now that I'm looking, it is markedly more hideous looking."
Pointing his finger, Raijin gasps in outrage. "You take that back! Toads are adorable."
"How is that I have one eye covered and, somehow, you're still clearly the blinder one?"
"It is cute!"
"We'll take a room for two please," Raijin requests, pulling out his cute little fox themed wallet to count out the amount that the lady who is manning the counter at the inn tells him.
"How long will you be staying?" she asks, scrawling out the fake name Raijin provides her with into her register.
Leaning back onto the balls of his feet, Raijin chirps, "Two nights!"
Beside him, Kakashi scowls and aims a kick at his shin to violently bring him back down on his feet proper. "Stop that," he hisses.
"Ow!" Raijin whines. "Do you have to be so violent all the time?"
"After you got us lost in the woods for an entire day," Kakashi says scathingly, "you should be glad I haven't tried to stab you yet."
The lady behind the counter chuckles as she looks between them, shaking her head when she earns twin stares of confusion from the boys. "I'm sorry," she says, waving a hand, "you two remind me so much of my own boys. They were always bickering when they were younger too, you know. They're all grown up now, so I finally have some peace in the house, but I do miss the noise sometimes." She smiles at them kindly. "It's always good to see brothers who are close."
"We're not—" Kakashi starts to say impatiently before he promptly gets cut off by Raijin violently pulling him into his side with an arm around the neck.
"Yup!" the blond beams. "That's us! Super close!" Smoothly ignoring the way Kakashi is staring at him in disbelief, Raijin leans closer to the counter. "Say, ba-chan, how old are your kids now?"
"Oh," she sighs, "they're both in their thirties now. And you boys? How old are you?"
Sighing, Kakashi says, "Twelve."
"I'm twenty."
The lady blinks. "Quite far apart then. What brings you out to our town?"
"Just a quick stop," Raijin informs. "We're going to the Land of Hot Water! I promised my cute little brother here a trip to the best hot springs, and I finally have enough time off work to do it."
Clapping her hands together, the woman says, "How wonderful!"
Meanwhile, Kakashi narrows his eye. "Cute little brother."
He is ignored.
"And what do you do, dear?"
"Calligraphy?" Raijin throws out. "Yeah! Calligraphy!"
"Oh, my! And you're so young too! Tell you what," the lady leans forward conspiratorially, "if you do a piece for our inn, I'll throw in free breakfast for the both of you. I heard the fancy hotels in the capital hire calligraphists all the time."
"You're the best, ba-chan!"
"It's a deal then!"
Ten minutes later, they're both up in their room with a complimentary lunch on the little table set by the large window that overlooks the market below, and Kakashi is staring at Raijin with all the judgement that the gods have bestowed upon his twelve-year-old body.
With a shake of his head, he declares, "You're a con artist."
Raijin frowns at him. "I'm just good with people," he refutes. "I did learn calligraphy for fuuinjutsu, you know. It's not far from the truth." Blinking as a new thought occurs to him, he tilts his head. "Hey, when did you turn twelve?"
"September," Kakashi answers. "When did you turn twenty?"
"October."
They both stare at each other, realising both birthdays were spent while on a battlefront.
"Minato-sensei might cry if you tell him," Kakashi states, flopping down onto his bed.
Raijin blinks. "What? Why?"
Lifting his head to stare at the elder shinobi blankly, Kakashi drawls, "He missed the first birthday he could have celebrated with his newly found brother and totally forgot about it. He's going to be guilty as hell."
Raijin flounders, a sense of foreboding creeping over him. He sees a teary older brother being overbearing and apologetic in his future. It's not looking good. "Well, I don't think he even knew," he tries and immediately cringes.
"That makes it worse," Kakashi snorts.
"He missed your birthday too!"
Crossing his arms behind his head, Kakashi closes his eyes. "He sent me a letter and gave me a present later. Face it: he's going to cry."
"Do you always have to try and be like this?"
"Correct? No, it comes naturally to me."
"Smartass."
Raijin wakes up to the sound of muted whimpering and pained gasping, and is rolling out of bed before his brain even manages to fully shake off the cobwebs of sleep.
Sad as it is, this isn't new. By now, he knows what to do.
He pads over to Kakashi's bed and drops to his knees beside it, careful to keep his weight off and his hands out of the way lest he scare the boy awake. "Kakashi-kun," he whispers, reaching with his chakra instead. "Kakashi-kun, wake up. It's just a dream, kiddo. You have to wake up."
As always, Kakashi startles awake, eyes swivelling wildly, sharingan spinning. He relaxes much faster these days when he spots Raijin hovering at his bedside, shoulders drooping and allowing his head to drop back onto his pillow.
"It's okay," Raijin whispers, reaching out to take Kakashi's clammy hand into his own. Kakashi is trembling ever so slightly. "It was just a dream. It's over now."
"You left," Kakashi croaks out, staring at the ceiling as if that will keep Raijin from noticing the tears pooling in his eyes. "You left. You could have died."
It's not the first time they've had this conversation either. It never really goes anywhere.
"I know." Raijin presses his forehead to Kakashi's hand. "I know. I'm sorry I scared you, Kakashi-kun."
"We waited for hours," Kakashi tells him. "Hours. And you never showed up. And they made me leave and—" he cuts off when his voice breaks, turning his face away. "I thought you were dead. I kept thinking about what I would say to Minato-sensei. How I could never face him again because his only brother would be dead, and it'd be my fault."
"It wouldn't have been your fault, Kakashi," Raijin says softly. "It was my choice. My decision as team captain. You're not to blame for that."
But Kakashi isn't listening. Instead, he whispers, "First, it was Obito. Then, you. I'm the common denominator. It was my fault."
Raijin's heart aches so viscerally, he almost wants to tear it out to see if that will ease the pain. At the time, the only thing he'd been thinking about was how he would do anything to not have to lose Kakashi again. How he wouldn't be able to survive if he had to relive carrying an injured Kakashi away from pursuing foe and then failing to make it in time for his sensei to be alive by the end of it. How Raijin would die right along with Kakashi if he had to ever hold him while the life drained out of him again.
He doesn't think he would change anything even if he could, but he does regret the pain he put Kakashi through. If Raijin could take the pain away from this kid, he would. It hangs salty and thick in the air now between them and all Raijin can do is squeeze Kakashi's hand.
"I'm sorry, Kakashi," is the only thing he has to offer. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault, kiddo. It's not. And I'm sorry that my decision made you feel that way."
Kakashi turns to look at him, eyes blazing and face twisted. It is jarring to see a version of Kakashi that isn't quite so strict about who sees his face once he deems them safe apparently. It's jarring to see him so young. It hurts to see him in so much pain even at this age.
"But you're not sorry about leaving," Kakashi states, voice raw and thick. He doesn't actually cry—he never does.
Lips pursed, Raijin doesn't deny it. "No," he admits, "I'm not sorry about that. It was all I could do to get you to safety at the time."
Kakashi wrenches his hand from Raijin's hold so he can dig the heels of palms to his eyes as he exhales shakily. "It's not worth it. I'm not—"
"You are worth it," Raijin interrupts him smoothly, gently pulling Kakashi's hands from his face. "I—I needed you to make it out of there alive. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you."
Levelling him with a glare, Kakashi spits out, "But you'd force me to live with the weight of your death hanging over my shoulders?"
Raijin falters. "I'm sorry for being unfair to you, Kakashi-kun."
"But you're not sorry about leaving," Kakashi repeats.
"No. I guess that makes me really selfish, huh?"
Scoffing, Kakashi turns his face away again. "It makes you an asshole," he corrects agitatedly. "You're a dick, Raijin-san."
"Sorry."
"I hate you."
"I'm sorry."
"Shut up," Kakashi hisses, shooting up so he can twist and glare at him fully. "You're not sorry so stop saying it. You don't mean it."
Raijin tilts his head. "I do. I'm not sorry for leaving but I am sorry that my decision is hurting you so much now."
Kakashi falters. He isn't used to regulating his expressions when his face is hidden away all the time. Raijin can see every emotion he feels pass right over it. "I'm—I'm not hurt. I just—"
"It's okay, Kakashi-kun," Raijin says gently. "It's okay for you to be upset about what I did and be affected by it. I did hurt you."
"No, you—" Kakashi shakes his head. "I'm not—"
"Okay," Raijin concedes, thumb stroking the back of Kakashi's hand. "Okay. I'm sorry for assuming then."
"If you say you're sorry one more time, I'm going to skin you alive."
Raijin grins weakly. "Violent as ever."
Kakashi scoffs and shakes his head. "Whatever. I'm going back to sleep."
And, well, that's that. Raijin doesn't push again. He sighs and crosses back over to his bed, crawling under the sheets that have since gone cold. Kakashi's grief still hangs heavy in the room. It feels like burning to Raijin's senses. He knows what's going to happen even before it does.
The smell of salt follows him into his dreams.
He dreams of a future that will never come to pass again. He dreams of battlefields and devastation and hopelessness. He dreams of running, a weight on his back and nowhere to go. "Leave me, Naruto. I'm not going to make it," haunts him at every dead end. He dreams of loss and emptiness and a face he only ever got to see in death.
And then—there is something. There is life; warmth. At his back. Skinny arms wrap around him, a face presses to the back of his neck. Familiar chakra that fizzles and pops like static pokes at his own.
"It's just a dream," someone tells him. They sound young. Raijin strains to listen. Their voice leads them around a corner and he isn't stuck anymore.
Raijin claws his way back to awareness, turning towards the voice. "'kashi-kun?""
"Go back to sleep, dumbass," is mumbled into his ear. The arms around him tighten.
And Raijin listens. He sighs and reaches for the warmth with his chakra as if that will let him carve it into his heart.
He sleeps. He does not dream of loss again.
Notes:
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER YOUR HONOUR
I actually have so many feelings about Naruto and Kakashi. They deserve everything. All the softness. All the healing. I will give it to them myself if I have to dammit. They actually care about each other so much.
Also, I love Shikaku. I think he has such great chemistry with most characters and he just makes writing so easy. Minato is similar in that regard for me so I just put them together.