Lucifer placed his hands in front of his body on the crimson cloth resting on the table, pressing his fingertips together in rapid succession as his red eyes gazed between the two men seated before him.
He cleared his throat.
"Ouch."
He kicked an imp away, who had found its way up his tight pants to nibble upon the sensitive flesh around the demon lord's ankle.
Lucifer tried again. He cleared his throat as a smirk tugged on the corners of his lips.
"Have you heard of a cherub?"
Azazel sighed. He already didn't like the direction Lucifer's story was heading.
"Yes, Azazel muttered as he laid his forehead flush against the silky, smooth tablerunner.
Luke simply nodded enthusiastically, his quill positioned at the optimal angle for jotting down the story in his documents.
"Ah, the cherub," Lucifer mused as he remembered the story in his head. "A pudgy, angelic child, similar in stature to my dear Egor."
"Are you telling it now so I can begin to zone out?" Azazel asked, not moving from the stiff position he took against the table.
All I want to see is the table. I wish all I could hear was the table.
"Yes, but you best listen, for there will be a quiz later."
Azazel groaned.
Lucifer cleared his throat for the third time. "Do not interrupt me again."
The blonde demon ran his nimble, gloved fingers through his hair. He then sat back in his seat before he began his tale.
"On a dark, rocky landscape, my chiseled silhouette stood, illuminated by the twin suns rising from the east. As I stood there, finding sanctuary on the crater-covered surface, my brother manifested from the darkness. He challenged me to a duel in the name of his false prophet."
I know this story is fake already.
"I shook my head. I did my best to talk Michael, my adorable brother, out of such a fruitless battle. We already stood on a landscape torn from a nuclear war of ages past. What good would battling one another on such a battleground accomplish? But he scoffed. Oh, boy, did he scoff?!"
Do you even know what a nuclear war is?
"He continued to scoff. He knew I would cave if he threatened me with his scoffs. I scoffed back once. I knew better. My one scoff brought me one step closer to the edge. I was about to break. Being Lucifer, the most powerful of all sexy devils, I could never back down from such a challenge."
Scoff. Scoff.
"He told me, 'You're going to make this easy. My cherubs are going to curbstomp your noob balls.' He really thought his trash-talking me was going to phase me. Ha. Surely. He knew better. We talked through the rules. My army of ferocious imps were to go against his pansy cherub team. The battle had been decided before it even began."
So fake. This sounds like a real-time strategy game lobby.
"We met for battle in the scorching land where our weapons of mass destruction—his cherubs and my imps—had come together and clashed violently against one another. For miles, the destruction went on, until Michael surrendered there, begging on his knees."
…
"He crawled up to me. He kissed my boots. He begged the all-powerful lord, Lucifer, to spare his cherub army and allow them the respite. Little did he know at the time how devilish the forces of darkness actually were. I began to grab cherubs. One by one, I drained them of their holy blood with my sexy fangs."
I want to laugh. This story is so bad.
"Yet, at that battle, which was rumored to be the greatest in all of creation, which saw the deaths of trillions upon gazillions, on the brink of the demise of the universe itself as we know it, we held a chess match to decide the outcome and the true winner."
…? Where did this even come from? I thought this was cherubs versus imps.
"I won't. Darkness prevailed. I prevail. The end."
Azazel groaned again.
That was probably the worst story in the history of all stories ever told.
"Lord Lucifer," Luke began as he rose to his feet. "What an enthralling tale."
As Lucifer stood, taking a dramatic bow, the sound of a single man's applause was heard against the backdrop of countless imps screaming profanities.
Lucifer beamed with pride as he soaked up the Hell Scholar's praise.
"Azazel," Lucifer said, looking toward his demon son, waiting for additional praise as he addressed the table-eating demon. "What have you to say of my magnificent battle?"
Azazel raised a single brow as he lifted his head from the table to look at the two men standing. A smirk pulled on the corners of his mouth.
"Do you truly wish to know my opinion?"
It's rubbish.
"Yes." Lucifer smirked.
Azazel shook his head. He could tell from Lucifer's fiery gaze set on him that he knew the black-haired demon would have some sort of retort, but he couldn't give him exactly what he had been expecting.
No, I need to attempt to be clever.
Azazel rose from his seat. Slowly. He took a few steps back. The other two men turned to face him. Both of their gazes were heavy with anticipation for his reaction.
"Are you ready?" Azazel asked, looking between the two men.
Azazel took a deep breath.
He flipped them both off.
He sat back down.
With a hand firmly pressed against his chest, over which he claimed his own heart to reside, Lucifer smirked, "Bless your savage little heart."
Azazel shrugged. It was the best reaction he had other than calling Lucifer out on his bullshit, which he knew Luke would be willing to defend to his grave. It wasn't worth than the hassle.
Azazel felt like a little boy who had gotten praise from his father for creating a lopsided bowl out of clay for Father's Day.
He didn't like it, but it had to do.
A pinging sound was heard.
Lucifer perked up and pulled a holographic screen, in the shape of a phone, from his pants pocket. His tight, leather pants pocket.
That can't possibly fit in there.
A dark, purple screen flashed brightly as he slid his thumb over the screen. He read through the notifications, then swiped them off the screen before shoving the object back into his tight pants.
Where is he even storing it? Up his ass?
"Damn notifications," Lucifer stated with a sigh. "I swear, Hellbook has gone too far collecting my sensitive information."
Luke adjusted his glasses. He stared in Lucifer's direction, his mouth gaping wide open. He seemed to be in awe of the object the blonde demon had pulled out, as he had never seen anything quite like it.
On the other hand, Azazel couldn't care less, as it was too close to the phones he had been used to using back on Earth. By the time he had kicked the bucket at the hands of his murderous ex-wife, it might as well have been ancient technology.
"Hellbook," Azazel said, placing his forehead back against the table. "Interesting."
Lucifer furrowed his brow and looked at Azazel. "You know of this damn Hellbook thing?"
"No," Azazel murmured into the surface of the table. "But Earth had its own version, which was beyond pointless."
Lucifer walked next to Azazel, pulling his holographic phone back out of his pocket. "Can you uninstall the application for me?"
"Does it work the same as a smartphone?" Azazel asked, leaning up and taking it from Lucifer.
"Smartblone?" Lucifer incorrectly questions, "This is a BlartsBlone. A guy named Paul Blart came to Hell and created them. He stated he was a cop at a thing called a mall."
I take it back. Paul Blart's creation of a phone is the lamest story ever.
Azazel messed around with the phone. Though the operating system on the phone seemed rather archaic in comparison to what he had been used to, he easily removed HellBook from Lucifer's device.
"Happy?"
Azazel handed it back.
I feel like I'm helping a grandpa navigate his phone.
Lucifer stroked his chin. "I'm pleased."
Azazel laid his head back down on the table. The whole visit to hell was beginning to tire him out.
All he had been doing was stepping in shit. listening to stupid stories and explaining a smart phone to an old ass demon who used to wear togas.
"Are we done here?" Azazel asked, muttering against the wood on the table.
If he kept his head there for much longer, he was going to end up with a table shaped imprint permanently on his forehead.
"No," Luke protested. "I came here to see one thing."
Lucifer walked toward Luke, shuffling his feet against the floor to kick away a few imps on his way to the Hell Scholar.
"Piss drinker," one imp growled.
The words didn't phase Lucifer. He continued forward as he gazed at Luke. "What would that be?"
Luke spread his legs, feet planted on the floor. He laughed manically, which was enough to make Azazel turn his head against the table to stare at the scholar.
"HUMAN TORTURE."
This damn guy. I almost forgot his real kink.